Another Day of Depression

I went to bed last night hoping that today was going to be different. When I woke up, I knew that it was going to be another day dealing with depression. The first sign was that I slept until 10am. I don’t sleep that late when I’m feeling well. Then my mom called me, which normally makes me happy, but this time I couldn’t feel anything. I’m dealing with a loss of interest in things I normally enjoy. My energy level is extremely low, everything feels like a major tasks. Even writing has become a huge task, but I force myself to do it.

Yesterday, I forced myself to get out of the house and go to my mother-in-laws when she invited me. It was extremely difficult, but I did it, and I’m glad I did it. It helped me feel a little better. Maybe today I should do the same thing. There’s a friend’s house I could go to; she understands depression and doesn’t judge me at all. I’m going to try my hardest to go over there in little while. I actually just made plans with her, that way I have someone to stay accountable to.

I’m pushing myself so hard. Sometimes I feel like I should just give in to the depression. It would be easier to just let go, but I need to put up a fight. Although, I’m wondering what the reason is why I’m fighting the depression. Am I doing this for my family or my husband? Is it possible that I’m doing this for myself? I don’t even know if the reason why matters. The most important thing is that I am fighting the depression. I’m not simply giving up. There are a lot of things that I could do to help. One thing I could do is to look at my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) and looking through my wellness toolbox for suggestions that I know are helpful when I’m in a depression.

Inside My Depression

I’m in it, inside the depression; it has taken my energy, my thoughts, and my will. I’m not myself, but I can’t even remember who I normally am. I can’t seem to get things done. It has been weeks since I’ve cleaned my house. Normally I clean the whole house once a week. I keep putting it on my to-do list, but I never seem to be able to get it done. Anything and everything is close to impossible. Every moment is a fight against myself, and it feels as if I’m losing.

I’ve done this many times before. It’s not my first depression, or my second, or third, and so on. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 14 years old. It’s been 17 years that I’ve been trying to manage my diagnosis. I just wish that I could find the peace and keep it just a little bit longer instead of going from one episode to another. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been depressed or manic. The most important part is that I get through it every time. No matter how deep the episode is, no matter how hopeless the depression gets, I’ve gotten through it before and I’ll get through it again.

I wish I could get through this quicker. I know this sounds weird, but a part of me wishes I was manic. Then I would at least have energy and be productive. I’m not thinking about the negative aspects of mania, I’m just thinking that I don’t want to feel the depression I’m in. Right now, I’m sleeping way to much (I keep falling asleep on the couch), I feel worthless, I feel empty, I’m overeating, I have a decreased interest in almost everything, and just about everything is irritating. I’m lucky that I haven’t started crying yet, hopefully it will stay that way; I hate it when I cry. When I say I want to be manic, it’s just because I don’t want to deal with this depression. I want what I currently don’t have. It would be best if I could just be even, not depressed or manic, but I don’t know if that’s reasonable.

I will get through today; I always do. I have a great support system. Everyone I know offers their help. My husband just asked me if he could do anything. I thanked him for offering, but there’s nothing he could do. I wish there was something that other people could do, but I can’t think of anything. Simply knowing that people close to me truly care is helpful. Just knowing that they are there to support me makes me feel a little better; right now, every little bit counts.

It’s All Too Much

I’ve completed a few things so far today that needed to get done. I went and got my weekly blood work, this week it included a Clozapine level. I also emailed my psychiatrist to let him know how I’m doing. I let him know that I think my weakness and exhaustion is from ECT, not from Clozapine. For every step I take, it feels like I’m taking a thousand steps. Every single task I work on, even when I don’t complete them, requires a major effort. And it seems to be never-ending. Once I finish one task, there are three new ones to finish. It keeps increasing. Can’t people tell I’m not up for this right now? I know that I normally fake being okay, but I’m not even trying to fake anything right now. To fake being okay requires energy, and that is not something that I have at this time. All I can do is be myself; tired, confused, and distraught.

My husband has decided to look for a new car. Actually, my mother-in-law wants to get my husband a new car and give his current car to his brother. His immediate family is pretty much computer illiterate. His brother once told me it was amazing how I was going back and forth between two windows. So any time they want to do something, they always ask me. “Why don’t you ask Jodi? She could easily do that for you.” My only problem with that is I struggle to say no to anyone. I especially struggle to say no when I’m asked in front of a group of people. This time, it felt as if it was assumed that I would do whatever I was told to do or whatever was “asked” of me. It’s hard enough to get something done when you have one person telling you what they want, but when the decision is between two different people who aren’t in the same room, it becomes a major challenge. It is not something I want to get myself in the middle of.

Maybe I would feel a little better if I could get a few more things done that need to be done for me. Tasks such as cleaning the house would help me feel good. I even break that task down into smaller tasks so I feel productive as I’m cleaning. I already cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms a couple of days ago. All that’s left is to dust, vacuum, and mop. I wish I could get rid of my depression. It’s making life so difficult; every little task is a massive job. I just don’t want to do it anymore.

Feeling Tired and Useless

I still feel messed up today; as if something isn’t right. I’m dealing with physical pain and being emotional distraught. Normally, when I wake up, words flow from my fingertips. Today, when I woke up, I felt empty. I have felt empty since I woke up from my last ECT treatment; it happens after every treatment, but this one is lasting much longer. This past ECT was the hardest that I’ve ever done. My husband told me that I say that every time. I told him that every time it gets harder. I have been doing this for more than a year. I can’t keep this up. I can’t continue. I’ve said that so many times; however, I think I’m serious about it this time. The memory loss, emptiness, confusion, and the chaos are too much for me anymore. I’m tired and I don’t think I can keep doing this to myself.

I don’t have much to do today, but I’m still wondering if I can get it done. The only thing I must do is get my blood work done at 2pm today. Hopefully I don’t run into that rude phlebotomist. I also want to clean the house today. It has been on my to-do list for a while now, but I can’t seem to get it done. It’s the ECT that’s holding me back from getting things done. I’m so tired; I feel useless. I hope that will change today.

Out Of It and Perplexed

Yesterday was a rough day, but the interesting part is that I don’t remember most of it. I don’t even remember going to bed. It has to be from the ECT. I feel still pretty messed up today, and that’s not how it normally happens. Apparently, I need another day to rest after this past ECT treatment. That’s very abnormal; usually I’m back my normal self the next day, but not this time. I’m trying to continue on with my day, getting things done, but I’ve having a more difficult time than normal. I’ve crossed a couple of things off of my list, but I don’t know if I can keep going. I was going to change my weekly blood work to Thursdays instead of Fridays, but I’ll do that next week. I can’t handle having another thing to do today. I’m even struggling in my writing today. My brain just is not all there. I’m perplexed, confused, baffled, and puzzled today. Hopefully, I’ll get part of my brain back as my day goes on.

I Feel Like Two Different People

I often feel like I’m two different people. This is the ‘pretend’ or ‘fake’ person. It’s not that I’m being fake, I’m just holding back. I’m one person when I’m around people I trust, such as my husband and my mom. I can fake being okay and my paranoia, anxiety, and fears decrease. This is the person that I make up; the person I let others see. I can also be this person around other people such as family members and friends. It’s just harder for me to keep up this person. But for some reason, I always feel like I need to put on this other persona. I don’t exactly know why, especially with the people I trust the most. Maybe, I’m just trying to give myself a break from the other person that I am; allowing myself to release some of my anxiety and paranoia. I usually need the help of Valium to do this with people other than my husband and mom.

Then, there’s this second person, the real me. I’m the person who jumps at every little noise. This is the person who sometimes keeps a baseball bat by the door and keeps a knife in my pocket when out for a walk, just in case. My paranoia increases when I’m alone. I have more auditory hallucinations when I’m by myself, although I’m learning to tell which things I hear are real and which are hallucinations. When I leave the house by myself, I’m constantly looking around, especially behind me, so I can see everything that’s happening. I never want to be caught off guard. I rarely ever take anti-anxiety medication when I’m by myself in my house. I prefer to use it when I leave my house or when I with others, that way I can be that other ‘pretend’ person.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel safe again when I’m by myself. Despite the fact that I’m pretending when I’m around others, I do feel safer than I feel when I’m alone. I feel like two different people. Each ‘person’ comes naturally. People I trust tell me I don’t have to pretend to be anyone or anything, but it just happens. For some reason, I don’t feel like I have control over which person appears, it’s just instinctive. Does anyone else have this issue or feel this way?

Off To The Airport

Not the airport again. I really hate airports, but I love planes. It’s just the people who I hate. People you don’t even know invade your personal space. I’m always afraid that I’m going to have to get a pat down when going through security. I panic when strangers touch me, sometimes even when people I know touch me. So the thought of a pat down is terrifying. In all of the times I’ve flown, it’s only happened to me twice. Most likely, everything will go smoothly (despite people invading my personal space) and I will have worried for nothing. I can’t help it.

I hate it when people tell me, just relax or calm down. The worst is when people say, there’s no reason to be nervous. Maybe there’s no reason to be nervous for them, but for me, it’s horrifying. I wish there was a better way to travel long distances. I have driven cross-country twice, but it is a 37 hour drive one way. I’m not really up for that. It’s like when people tell you how great you look or how great you’re doing when you’re going through a major depression. I know people are just trying to be polite, but it’s not helping. It generally feels more like someone telling me how I should feel instead of accepting how I actually feel. I don’t know if that was confusing or not. I tried to explain it all including how I feel. Does anyone else have this same issue? Does anyone else feel insulted or discredited when people try to tell you how great you look? All I want is to be accepted as I am. I hope that’s not too much to ask.

I Pushed Myself and I’m Grateful

I pushed myself today, much further than I normally do. I took a Valium before I left with my mom, but the event was more than I expected. A friend of the family was putting on a fundraising party and we wanted to go and support it. We got there, and the parking lot was full. My heart started to beat out of my chest. We sat in the car for a little bit while I got the courage to go in. It only took about 5 minutes, and we went inside. I looked around and people were everywhere, both upstairs and downstairs. I stayed close to my mom, she makes me feel safe. I saw a couple of family friends that I wanted to see. We stayed about 30 minutes. I’m surprised I made it that long. People kept bumping into me and others were looking at me. I was terrified inside, and then my mom put her arm around me. I felt safe again. I was ready to go; I hate crowds and did not want to be there anymore. My mom knew by my body language that I was ready to leave, so she helped me make it out the door.

I was also worried that I was going to run into someone I grew up with, someone who I used to get high with. It really doesn’t matter, but I’m always afraid to run into some of these people. It’s really just a trigger, seeing people from my past. I have enough triggers already; I don’t need to add in people from my past. Luckily, I went to the event, stayed for 30 minutes, and left without running into a single person that I used to get high with. There were lots of people I know, but they were family friends, so that was okay.

We got to the car and my mom told me how well I did and how proud she was that I pushed myself to do that. I was still a little freaked out, but after a little while I was able to get myself to calm down. At that point, I was happy and grateful that I went to this event. I did it to show the person running in how much I care about her. Friends and family are important, and it is vital that we show them how much we care. I did the best that I could tonight. Everything was terrifying and felt awkward, but I did it. It was such a huge accomplishment for me. It’s okay to say no to some things, but it’s also okay to say yes. Today, I said yes, and I’m happy I did.

Layover

I made it through my first flight. It wasn’t that bad. The people next to me were polite; the people behind me were loud and obnoxious. I’m halfway through my layover already. I had to walk from gate B to gate F. I wasn’t in a rush, so it was no big deal. Plus, it’s always nice to be able to stretch your legs after a 4 hour flight.

The rest of my layover and my next flight should be no problem. Then I get to see my mom! I’m hoping not to have to take another Valium, but the airport is extremely busy and starting to make me nervous and it is starting to be overwhelming. I’m not sure if I will take it or not, but at least I have it if I need it.

I can do this, positive thinking, keep saying it. It helped last time, it sure can’t hurt.

Beyond Frustration – Clozapine Refill Issues

One thing after another, it never seems to end. There is always something that needs fixing or needs to be completed. I had my weekly blood work done on Friday and I’ve been checking for the results a couple of times a day. Normally, it’s done and I get the results the same day or early the next morning. For some reason, this week and last week, it took longer for my results to come through, but they finally did this afternoon. Once I know that my lab results are in, I call my pharmacy to make sure they received a copy. I usually spend the first five minutes of the phone call with them telling me they didn’t receive a copy until they finally look in their fax machine to see it sitting there.

They generally talk down to me, as if I don’t know what I’m doing. Today, the pharmacist kept telling me that they need to receive my lab results every week in order to fill the prescription. If only she would have stopped talking, she would have realized that I’m well aware of that and it was even the reason for my phone call. Shortly after hanging up with the pharmacist, I received a phone call from her. She called to tell me that my white blood cell count was high and she was concerned about filling the script. I explained to her that my count has decreased, improved, since last week and that my only current side effect is fatigue/low energy, but it is almost gone. I told her that I would have my psychiatrist call her. Then, she informed me that she would fill the script, but starting next month any time my lab results are off, they would be required to send my results to a central database location. The pharmacist would no longer be able to decide if it is okay to fill the script or not, someone at the central database would have to decide.

Now, I’m sitting here thinking that I could be taken off Clozapine any time if my blood results are off. I’m basically living week to week, never knowing if I’ll be able to get my next prescription of Clozapine filled. It’s adding on so much anxiety to an already stressful life. My psychiatrist says that they need to be concerned about a low white blood cell count, not a high count; however, I have so many more questions.

If at some point the pharmacy, or central database, won’t fill my script, do I just stop the medication immediately or am I supposed to titrate down off the medicine?
What side effects can I expect from going off Clozapine?
What levels of a WBC (white blood cell count) are good, and which are bad?
Is it bad that my eosinophils count is very high? At what level does that count make a difference?
If I have to go off the Clozapine, what medication would replace it? I’m no longer on Seroquel or any other antipsychotic.
How long would it take for a new medication to start working?
How likely am I to have a major episode if I go Clozapine?

Once I know the answers to these questions, I will let everyone know. Hopefully, I won’t have to worry about any of this. Hopefully, my next blood test results will be back to normal. Until then, I am just going to stress over it all.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Overwhelmed