Anxiety At The Gym

My husband and I just finished working out at the gym. Thank goodness it wasn’t very busy, but my anxiety was still pretty high. My anxiety tends to sky-rocket every time I see someone, walk by someone, or see someone looking my way. So basically, that means my anxiety is high the entire time I’m there. My husband stays by me the whole time to help me feel a little more secure, but it doesn’t completely remove my anxiety. I can’t imagine how anxious I would be without having my husband there by my side. In fact, I don’t think I would even be able to go if I wasn’t with him.

Even when the gym is slow, like it was today, there are still more people to keep track of than possible. Knowing everything that’s going on around me is one of the things that helps reduce my anxiety. I start to panic when I can’t see everything that’s happening and everyone that’s around me. My husband is there to help keep me safe and as a second pair of eyes, but no one can see everything that’s happening in a gym at one time. I become very nervous, scared, and paranoid in public places. I wish I could get rid of all of this anxiety. It’s exhausting. I have Valium that helps, but I don’t want to take one every time we go to the gym. I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it, although that doesn’t sound like something I want to do or can do. I’m sure it will get better over time; I just have to be patient.

Therapist Waiting Room

Yesterday, I walked into my therapist’s office and anxiety hit me immediately. There are a total of seven chairs in his office, and every single one of them was occupied. I walked up to the receptionist’s desk and decided to wait for the receptionist to appear. I stood there for a few minutes, but she never came forward. A chair opened up, so I decided to sit down. I get very nervous around strangers. I’m not comfortable being close to just about anyone, especially strangers. I don’t like to be touched by strangers. It’s a PTSD trigger for me. I even carry a spring-loaded knife with me everywhere I go, which probably is not a smart idea, but it’s what I do. My PTSD has improved, but there was a time that I couldn’t be touched by anyone, not even my loved ones.

My appointment was at 4pm; I arrived five minutes early. I sat in the open chair and moved as far away from the other people as I possibly could. I looked down at my phone and saw that the time was 4:22pm. Even more people had arrived in his office. I’ve never seen it this crowded before. Normally, there are only one or two other people in the waiting room when I’m there. I was caught off guard by the amount of people there. I decided that if my therapist didn’t call me back by 4:30pm, then I would leave. I knew that my therapist would understand if I left, he knows how difficult crowds are for me. Two minutes later, my therapist called me back into his office. I was shaking, fidgety, and rocking back and forth. He could see that I was having an anxiety attack, and he knew why. He told me that a family of six people all came to an appointment for a family member who was seeing someone else in the office. I understand someone’s parents going to an appointment, but I don’t know why all of their siblings would go as well. They didn’t even go into the appointment; they all just sat there in the waiting room. Oh well, everyone does things differently.

I had a good appointment with my therapist. He’s easy to talk to and offers helpful insights. I’ve been seeing him for several years; I think it’s been since sometime around 2011. Talking to him feels more or less like I’m talking to a friend.

Depression Improvements

For me, there are different degrees of severity to my depression. I can only speak for myself, I don’t know if other people experience these levels of depression as well. My depression is getting better, hopefully because of the Clozapine. If that’s true, then the dosage increase should help even more. When I’m really deep into a depression, dealing with the worst of it all, I can barely get myself to get up out of bed or off the couch. I struggle with personal hygiene, I gain weight, I don’t care about things that are normally important to me, and it’s even difficult to feed my dog. Sometimes I cry uncontrollably, other times I’m just crying on the inside. I distance myself from my friends; I stop calling and visiting them. I also stop reaching out to everyone. There are times that I’m not able to express my emotions. For example, I will see a funny movie, I will think it is funny, but I’m unable to laugh. That is really hard to deal with. When my depression is at its worst, I can’t push myself through it no matter how hard I try. I’ve also been struggling with suicidal ideations for many months. It’s always there in the back of my mind.

Right now, it feels as if my depression has begun to improve. I still struggle with personal hygiene, weight gain, expressing my emotions at times, and reaching out to some people. However, I do recognize my improvements. I have been able to reach out to certain friends and even take the time to visit them. Taking care of my dog is no longer an issue. There are times when I still struggle to express emotions, but the fact that I am able to laugh at times is great. The fact that I am able to push myself to do things is a huge improvement. Even though certain things are hard, I have the ability to push myself to do them. It’s better than it was a little while ago when I couldn’t do anything no matter how hard I tried. It’s a big deal that I can notice these improvements. The suicidal ideations are still in the back of my mind, but the thoughts are there a lot less. Those feelings are no longer my first ideas.

I finally have some hope. I do think it’s possible that I can be genuinely happy again one day; I’m just waiting for that day to come. I must have some patience, maybe a lot of patience, but it will happen. I believe that I will have lots of ups and downs throughout my life. This depression is not the end of everything for me.

Unknown Anxiety

I’m sitting on the couch, rocking back and forth. My arms and legs are curling me into a ball. Parts of me shake as I rock back and forth; it’s usually my right leg that shakes uncontrollably. Normally, I know the reasons for my anxiety attacks. In fact, I think that this is the first time that I don’t know what’s happening.

The only thing I can think of is that my husband and I both have appointments at Discount Tire tomorrow morning. I need two new tires and he needs a new one because he got a flat last night. New things normally cause me to have anxiety, but this shouldn’t be a problem because my husband will be with me. He always makes me feel safe.

I have a lot to do around the house. Maybe cleaning will keep my mind occupied and reduce my anxiety. Plus, my house could use some cleaning. I think it’s been over a week since I did a good cleaning. If cleaning doesn’t work, then maybe I’ll take a Valium, but I only like to take those when absolutely necessary. I could also try meditation once I’m able to stop rocking and shaking.

UPDATE: I started cleaning my house and my anxiety got better. I like seeing a clean house, it makes me feel relaxed. It’s nice to know that there are people in all parts of my life that are willing to help me though anything. Thanks for the suggestions and support.

Meditation Can Help Physical and Emotional Pain

I’ve never been a person that likes meditation. Over the years, I’ve been told by many people that meditation will help me in many ways, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was still against it for a few reasons, but the biggest reason is because it’s too difficult for me. My mind is always running a million miles an hour. How am I supposed to actually slow my brain down and think/focus on one thing? Also, I can never sit still for longer than a couple of minutes. Once I’m told to sit still, I start getting all fidgety. When I was in rehab, in 2004, we had to go to yoga class a couple of times a week. At the end of the class, there was a short meditation time that we were required to participate in. I always had such a hard time with it; plus, I never like to do something I’m told I have to do.

Last week, I received a package from my aunt containing a few CDs. Two of them were guided imagery to enhance healing for women with interstitial cystitis (a painful bladder disorder) and the other CD was called healing trauma, a guided imagery for PTSD. My first thought was that I didn’t want to use these CDs, but then I thought I would do some research. I found out that using guided meditation can actually help with the physical pain for interstitial cystitis. Suddenly, I became excited; there was a possibility to reduce my physical pain from the interstitial cystitis. I couldn’t believe that my aunt found these for me. She sent them to me with no pressure to use them. All she wanted was for me to have them in case I decided to try it.

I ended up trying the guided meditation CDs for interstitial cystitis the same day I received them. I decided to use the CDs every day for at least a month. I told my doctor about it and she agreed that it is very likely to be beneficial for my physical pain and for my emotional health. The guided meditation is getting a little easier every time. Even if I can slow my mind for just a few minutes, it would be better than nothing. At some point, I’ll try the CDs for PTSD, but right now, my bigger issue is my bladder disorder.

I have gone from being completely against meditation, to trying it every day for a month. I will let everyone know how effective it is for me. This has taught me to try to remain open to any possibilities in regards to improving my health. I’m grateful that my aunt is always looking out for me.

Overanalyzing Everything

I wish I knew how to control my thinking. Everything can be going just fine, and then one thing happens, like someone gives me an attitude, and I automatically start going through all of the possible reasons they could be mad at me. How self-centered am I to think that just because someone has an attitude it has something to do with me? There could be a thousand different reasons for that individual to have an attitude. I really need to get over myself. I always think that I’m doing something or everything wrong. I even tend to do the same thing when someone is giving me a compliment. I think that instead of actually giving me a compliment, that person is pointing out that I finally figured something out.

Yesterday, when I was with my granddaughter, I heard a couple of people say, ‘Wow, you’re getting really good with her.’ Instead of hearing a compliment, I hear them saying how bad I used to be with her. Then I start getting frustrated; it’s not like I had children of my own, this is my first time dealing with an infant. I really down that people are giving backhanded compliments. People are probably saying how they really think and feel, and I’m just overanalyzing everything. I’m actually mentally exhausted from always over-thinking everything for no real reason.

Trying to cut myself some slack is a lot easier said than done. I really do think that almost everything I say or do is wrong in one way or another. No matter how hard I try, it’s impossible to please everyone. Maybe I should just work at doing things that will make me and my husband happy. The only problem with that is that I don’t even know where to start.

Celebrating My Husband’s Birthday

Today is my husband’s birthday. We’re going to celebrate at his mom’s house with anywhere from 5 to 19 people. I wish I knew how many people to expect. However, I should be used to this by now. This is how it usually ends up going for every birthday and holiday. I’m looking forward to seeing my step-kids and my granddaughter. I have a good relationship with my step-kids; it’s always nice to see them and be a part of their lives. I get along with everyone in his family; I just sruggle with not knowing what I’m walking into. I also struggle with crowded spaces, but it will be fine. I’m grateful to get together with his family.

I plan on taking today off from working out. My husband and I have been enjoying great workouts. Yesterday we ended up just doing cardio, but it was a good workout. I’m hoping to lose some weight; I’ve gained a lot of weight during this depression that I’ve been going through. To be exact, I’ve gained 39 pounds. That’s way too much; it’s time that I turn this around. And it’s so much easier working on losing weight with my husband. I’m happy to have the support and encouragement; we are there to help each other reach our goals.

Physically And Mentally

My body is just as screwed up as my brain. I had my first surgery when I was 16 years old; it was a cardiac ablation. My heart rate would randomly jump from normal up to 200 or more, and I would pass out. A year later, I had a tonsillectomy. In 2009, I had surgery on both of my knees. A year after that, I had a tubal ligation, which I will explain. I had a total hysterectomy in 2014.

The tonsillectomy is pretty much self-explanatory. I chose to have my tubes tied in 2009 when I was living in Connecticut. This was after my total breakdown. My psychiatrist had to write a letter explaining that I knew what I was doing and was making a sound decision. I decided that I have a hard enough time managing my life. I’ve had ups and downs; no matter how hard I try, I can’t always take care of myself. I’ve seen many people struggle with being a parent; it weighed on them so heavily. I didn’t want that to happen to me or my child. I decided it was better for me not to have a child. For me, this was the right decision, but it has been really hard. It’s been extremely difficult for me to not be able to have children. I often cry uncontrollably because of that fact. A year later, I ended up having to have a total hysterectomy because of severe endometriosis.

I pretend to be okay with the fact that I can’t have kids of my own. I’m a 31 year old grandma, who has never been a mother. Of course I wish I could have kids, but if I had to do it all over again, I would still make the same choice. I made the decision because it was the right thing to do for me, not because it was easy.

Right now, the most difficult problem I deal with physically is the interstitial cystitis. I currently get treatments every week; sometimes I can stretch it out to as much as every 3 weeks. The treatment involves getting catheterized so the doctor can put medicine directly into my bladder. This problem has been getting worse over time. I also have chronic bronchitis and pneumonia among other conditions, but luckily that’s not acting up as well.

I know that I’m luckier than many people, but I’m also worse off than a lot of others. Why do I have to have both physical and mental health problems? Why are all my problems chronic? Living with and managing physical pain as well as mental health is exhausting.

Getting Through The Days

I went to the gym with my husband today. We had a great workout. I’m proud of myself for not pushing too hard. I normally push past the pain, and then I end up regretting it later. I’ve had a lot of knee pain over the years. I had a double knee surgery to correct the misalignment of my knees in 2009. I know that I’m going to need another knee surgery at some point, but I don’t want that to be any time soon. So it’s important not to push myself too hard on certain exercises, such as weighted squats and lunges.

After our workout, we went to visit with my father-in-law. We don’t see him often enough. He’s so nice and easy to get along with. We’re going to see him tomorrow too. My husband’s birthday is on Wednesday, he’ll be 42. I told him it’s like turning 21, twice. We’ll see his mom on Wednesday; she wants to through a ‘party’ for him. I’m a bit apprehensive because I don’t know who will be there. I just found out that she invited some aunts, uncles, and cousins. I like everyone; that’s not the problem. It’s just difficult when there are that many people in one house. My husband even said that all he wanted was for me, his mom and her boyfriend, his brother, and his kids to get together; but that’s not what’s happening. Plus, we want to see our granddaughter. The more people who are there, the less time we get to spend with her.

No matter what the circumstances, it will all work out okay. It just means that I will probably end up taking a Valium before I get to the party. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just another thing that adds stress. But I’d rather have too much family than not enough of it. We’re lucky to have loving and caring family on both sides; his family and my family. Having family that cares and supports us is wonderful.

I Did Well… For A While – My Life: Part 5

After working at the rehab for 9 months, I decided I wanted to move forward with my life. I applied for many jobs in Phoenix. I got a job as a receptionist for a legal compliance and ethics e-learning company. I found an apartment in Phoenix and moved there with a guy I was dating from the rehab, but that relationship didn’t last. I don’t know when our relationship ended, but I think we lived together for about a year. I adopted a dog and named him Cash (after Johnny Cash). He was awfully energetic and liked to chew on everything. I learned how to train him, and he started to behave properly. Cash came with me to AA camping events, which was a blast. At some point, I found a great AA club where I would go to the same meeting every day at 6pm. I don’t like change, so moving was scary. I like to keep a regular schedule. I made a lot of friends at the meeting, but I would only go to that one meeting every day. One of the guys I met was Brandon, who became my best friend. He had the same sarcastic attitude that I have and we got along wonderfully.

I was doing really well at this time in my life. I got a promotion at work, I was able to live on my own, make friends, and maintain my sobriety and my mental health. I took my medication and saw my doctors regularly. I was seeing the psychiatrist that was treating me while I was in rehab. Brandon asked me to workout with him. I told him no for months, and then I ultimately caved and decided to go with him. I was terrified because it was something new, but Brandon made me feel safe. After working out with him once, I was hooked. I loved it. We started working out together 5 days a week. It helped me get through my days at work. I would go to work, then workout with Brandon, and then go to my meeting (often with Brandon). I was happy with this new schedule; it was working well for me.

In the beginning, I wasn’t open about my mental health when it came to my AA meetings. My close friends knew, but that was all. Eventually, I ended up talking about my bipolar disorder in a meeting. I felt as if it wasn’t accepted. Several times, I was told that I didn’t have a mental health problem. It was just an issue to work on through step work. That was a problem for me. I didn’t feel accepted. My mental health was a huge part of my life. Even when I’m doing well, it’s still a large piece of my life. I was stable for years. That had never happened to me before.

My psychiatrist decided to wean me off my meds slowly because I had been stable for such a long period. It was possible that my mental health issues were drug related, so we thought it was worth a try to get off medication. I was down to two medications, and then she took me off the Seroquel. About 4 months later, I started to fall apart. I thought it would be a good idea to go to therapy again because I started to remember things that I hadn’t previously remembered. These memories triggered what was eventually diagnosed as PTSD. With the PTSD coming up and the med changes occurring, it was like the perfect storm. I started having hallucinations and was shaking uncontrollably. My psychiatrist put me on Abilify, but that made it worse. I barely slept for 3 weeks.

My job let me work from home, but after a little while, I couldn’t even manage that any more. I went on short-term disability, which then turned into long-term disability. There were times that I struggled to feed the dog. My mom came out to stay with me for a little while, but she couldn’t be there all the time. I decided to move back to Connecticut because I couldn’t be on my own anymore. I’m lucky that she was able and willing to let me and my dog move in with her. My long-term disability turned in to Social Security Disability.

I thought writing my story would help my memory, and it has; but it has also become difficult for me. There’s a lot that I struggle to remember, and a lot of other things I wish I didn’t remember. I think I’m going to take a break from writing my story for a little while.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Stress