I Hate Confrontation

Confrontation scares me, I hate it; it puts me into a panic attack. I keep everything inside and I do my best never to let it out. I would rather hold it all in and be a complete mess, than confront someone about any situation, whether it’s serious or not. I don’t show my anger, I just keep stuffing it down, holding it all in, although I am a pretty sarcastic person. I know that one day I’m probably going to explode, but I just don’t know what else to do with it all.

When I was in rehab, we had to confront each another in a large group setting using the form, ‘When you…I feel…’ format. It may sound somewhat corny, but it does work, when you have the guts to actually do it. I remember when I would have to confront someone, my heart would race so fast and I would start sweating; I would even forget my words, why I was confronting someone, and even how it made me feel. I would do it while I was in rehab because I had to. Now, I do everything I can to avoid it.

I guess I’m afraid to upset other people. I don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings or make someone mad. I would prefer to be extremely uncomfortable if it would make other people happy. That sounds weird when I say it out loud, but it’s just how I am. My therapist is trying to get me to work on this, but it’s not as simple as he explains it. Even admitting to myself that I’m angry is difficult for me, why would I be able to tell someone else how I feel?

There are several things that I deal with, such as my anxiety and fears, and I know where those things originate. I think my fear of confrontation probably comes from the same place as my other fears. My ex used to get very physically and emotionally abusive when I would get upset with him. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I just shouldn’t confront him on anything. I guess I just let that issue seep into every other part of my life. At some point, I need to start taking control again. Right now, that’s too scary for me, but I’ll keep it in my mind as an option.

Weekly Blood Work – Same Phlebotomist

I have been nervous for days now about the blood work I had to get done today. Most of my nerves were because of the inappropriate phlebotomist from last week that kept asking me personal questions and telling me what I should do for my bipolar disorder. I have been practicing all week just what to say to her if she was the one drawing my blood again. I was prepared; at least I kept telling myself I was prepared. I was ready to tell her, “I don’t want to talk” if she asked me a question, or to ask for someone else completely. To be honest, I wasn’t prepared. I took a Valium to calm myself out of my anxiety attack and I went to the lab.

I arrived at the lab and stood in line to check in. I made a 2pm appointment, but they were running late. At least my Valium was kicking in, I was able to breathe, my chest pains stopped, I started shaking less, and my mind began to slow. I looked behind the counter and only saw one receptionist and one phlebotomist. Then my heart started to beat a little faster again, it was the same woman from last time. As I walk past her, she asks me “Did you think about what we talked about last time?” I can’t believe that she was that invasive two weeks in a row, better yet, she broke HIPPA laws two weeks in a row. I was surprised, but my response comment came to me quickly. I told her, “Yes, and I’m happy with the way I’m doing things.” I couldn’t believe it, but she actually backed off. The only other things she said was just normal chit-chat, to make time go by quicker. What I said was nothing like what I planned on saying, but it still seemed to work, and that’s all that really matters.

If she says something to me again next week, I will report her. It’s really hard for me to report her or tell her boss about the situation; I’m not sure why it’s so difficult, it just is. My husband keeps telling me I should report her. He’s probably right; I should probably do it for the people she treats after me. Even just the thought of reporting her, or having my husband report her, makes me start to have a panic attack. I don’t know if I could do it; I don’t know if I want to do it.

An update regarding the Clozapine: My fatigue has been decreasing every day and I have no other side effects that I’m noticing. I informed my psychiatrist these facts and that I completed my weekly blood work today. He told me I could up my Clozapine dose to 125 mg. I was so excited when I heard, I was worried he was going to stop the medication because of my blood work results, but he is still allowing me to move forward on my dosages.

Preparing To Travel

Traveling is something that can be fun to do, depending on several factors such as how you get there, who you’re with, and your destination. I have two different getaways coming up, and I know that it’s time to start getting ready for at least the first one. I want to be prepared for them, and the only way to do that is to actually do the work, both physically and mentally. Traveling when you’re bipolar takes more than just packing. The more prepared I am for the actual traveling, time management, and visitations with others, the more I will enjoy my trip.

My first getaway is this Wednesday and it’s just one night away with my husband. A friend of his is getting married and we decided to go away the day before so we don’t have a lot of driving to do all in one day. Plus we get a night away from our normal lives, which every couple needs to do now and then. I should be looking up activities to do while we are away other than just go to the friend’s wedding. Instead, I’m just anxious about going somewhere I haven’t been before and going to a wedding where I’ll be surrounded my other people. I know that I’ll be with my husband, who makes me feel safe, so I’m sure everything will go okay. I just need to stop playing it all over and over in my head, that’s doing me no good. As I was writing this, I realized I need to start planning some things to do while I’m away with my husband, we like to stay active. With one simple Google search I found a Dolly Steamboat tour and an entire Ghost Town to explore! It was so simple, and it looks as though we will have a lot of fun together. We can start making plans soon when he gets home from work. I’m actually looking forward to it.

My next trip to plan for will take a lot more planning. I’m going across the country to visit my mom and the rest of my family. I will actually be with my mom on Mother’s Day, I can’t wait! The most difficult part of the trip is the flying. I love to fly, my dad was a pilot, but it’s the airports that get to me. People don’t respect each other’s space and everything is crowded from the security lines to the bathrooms. People act as if you’re going to win a million dollars by boarding the plane as quickly as possible; it’s the same problem when it comes to deboarding the plane. I don’t like to be rushed, so I get there early, but that just means I have to deal with the crowds longer. All I really want to do is find a quite place to myself, anywhere I can sit down and plug my laptop in while I wait for my plane. I look for the same thing during my layover. It’s not usually a successful venture, but it’s still worth a try. To keep myself calm I take my Valium and I remind myself all the time that I’m on my way to see my family. Nothing is better than being able to see my family.

I’m going to visit with my mom, nieces, nephew, aunt, grandmother, family friends, and even some old friends I’ve been out of touch with. I’m lucky that my family is extremely accepting of my bipolar disorder and my anxiety. It can be difficult to fit in everything I want to do during the short amount of time I’m there, especially when you’re trying to adjust to a different time zone. This time, I’ll be there for eight days. I’ll get as much done as I can, but I can’t overextend myself, traveling is hard enough already. It is hard living away from my family, I need to take advantage of the time that I do have with them while I’m there. This visit in particular, I’m looking forward to one-on-one time with certain people such as my mom, aunt, and grandmother. I mostly just hang out with my family, but there are a few things I want to do while I’m there. I want to complete my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) with help from my mom, I still have to do blood work and get medication, I have a birthday gift for my niece, and there’s a 3D Leonardo Di Vinci exhibit I can’t wait to see. This is all I can think of at the moment. If I want to get all of that done, then I better start planning.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 16 Problems Arise

So apparently I have to go to the doctor today. It was either that or the ER, and luckily my PCP’s office had an opening. I was shocked. My psychiatrist was concerned about my most recent blood work, which took 3 times as long to complete as normal. My psychiatrist wants me to be checked for Clozapine-induced myocarditis. His reasons are because of my recent symptoms (which are now gone) such as shortness of breath, fatigue, chest and throat pressure, and eosinophilia (this is his concern from my blood work); as well as my previous reaction to Clozapine the first time I tried it, which was a high fever; and of course my genetics. When he refers to my genetics he is talking about my Ashkenazi genes.

I have an appointment in less than an hour and I’m ready to go. I’ve printed out my last 3 weeks worth of blood work and my psychiatrist’s notes. Hopefully nothing is really wrong; I’m sure it’s all fine. However, my stomach is killing me right now, probably from the anxiety.

Update: I went to the doctor and I’m not even sure that she really listened to me. I read the notes after the appointment was over, and half of them were wrong. It was extremely frustrating. Either way, they did more blood work and referred me to my cardiologist for an ultrasound. I asked if they could call to make the appointment, that way I could get in sooner, but they said they couldn’t do that. Then when I called the cardiologist myself, they said they don’t have my referral and can’t make the appointment until they have it. Now, I’m even more frustrated. My psychiatrist said I can wait on the ultrasound; I don’t have to go to the ER today, which is the first good news I’ve heard. I really am pretty sure everything is fine, I think it’s just a precaution. Although, the likelihood that I will be able to stay on this medication is decreasing. I’m doing everything I can to be able to continue taking the Clozapine, I’m just not sure if that’s enough.

Anxiety While Shopping

Running errands is a difficult task for me, and it always seems as if the errands are never ending. I’m comfortable in my own home for the most part, but when I leave my house, all of my fears start to take over. One of my biggest fears is having someone I don’t know come up behind me. My anxiety kicks in when I’m in public. I constantly look from side to side and front to back to make sure I’m aware of everything that’s going on around me.

There are certain stores that I hate going into on my own or at all. These stores have bright and fluorescent lighting, narrow aisles, and large display cases right at the entrance. These aspects cause anxiety and make me feel trapped and uncomfortable. I would prefer to go to a store that ends up costing me more money, than go to a store that brings out my anxiety. Even the regular store that I go to can sometimes cause anxiety; it all depends on how many people are there. It’s important for me to plan when I go shopping to avoid the crowds.

I also hate standing in line when it’s time to check out. There always seems to be someone behind me that doesn’t know what personal space means. This isn’t just at grocery stores; it happened to me the other day when I went to buy dog food. I despise going to the mall. I’ve actually only been once in the past year. I wasn’t alone, and despite that, I was still freaking out on the inside. These are some of the reasons why I try to buy as much as I can online.

There are so many things that I struggle to do, inside and outside of my home, which is why it’s important that I have a support system. My husband is great when it comes to helping me feel safe while we’re out. He will walk behind me so I know that he is the only person directly behind me. This especially helps while standing in lines. When I feel trapped in an aisle, I normally freeze, but he helps guide me through the store. He will put his arm around me, hold my hand, or hold onto my belt loop, making me feel more secure and ensuring that I don’t get lost. I can also go in on my own if absolutely necessary as long as I’ve taken Valium. I have progressed over time with the different activities that I’m capable of doing. Hopefully, over time, some of the regular errands I run will become easier for me to do.

How Much Longer…?

Do you ever wonder if you can make it? Even if it’s just for one more day, can you handle life that much longer? It seems that no matter what you do, everything is working against you. If you’re anything like me, it’s a daily burden that you have to deal with. I’m constantly asking myself, ‘Am I okay? What if…?’ Sometimes, when I’m able to think positively, instead of asking myself, I tell myself, ‘ I’m okay. Everything is good.’ I say these things even when I know they’re not true; I guess I say them hoping to convince myself that they are true.

I constantly worry about pretty much any situation you could think of. I’ve had some people tell me, ‘Don’t worry, just relax’, and honestly, that makes me want to punch them in the face. Do they really think I would choose to live like this? Would I honestly decide to have anxiety attacks every day and almost never feel safe or secure? Nobody chooses this life; it’s not enjoyable or manageable. Living without control over your own moods is torture. These types of symptoms, the constant anxiety, not feeling safe, and questioning if life is worth it, tear apart a person’s life piece by piece. My support system is the reason I keep going, but it’s not easy. I just want to give up most days, but for some reason, I don’t, I never give up.

I compliment those individuals who are able to live with these symptoms and the other bipolar and/or PTSD symptoms and continue living their lives entirely. Individuals that can go to work, take care of their families, maintain a home, and manage their symptoms are impressive; I admire these people. That used to be me. I had a full-time job, a full-time social life, and I maintained my own home. I miss being able to do that. I’ve been on disability since 2009, and I wonder every day if I’ll ever have that type of life back. Even my therapist is unsure if that will happen; he said so himself. He says that I’m working on learning to deal with these issues better.

I hope I’m not the only one that feels this way; I feel lost enough already, I don’t want to be lost and alone. Although at the same time, I really don’t want anyone, even someone I don’t like, to experience these situations and emotions. All I can do is to stay positive, even if it’s fake, I just think positively. I pretend that things will be okay; if you think something enough, eventually it could come true.

Talk Therapy: Difficult Yet Beneficial

There are many forms of therapy that are known to help individuals with bipolar disorder and other mental health illnesses. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical-behavioral therapy (DBT), interpersonal therapy, psychotherapy (talk therapy) and family-focused therapy are just some examples. Therapy is a vital aspect of bipolar disorder treatment. I have been using therapy as a tool since I was 14 years old. As long as you have the right therapist, it is very helpful. The way I found the right therapist was just by trial and error. It was difficult, but I ended up very happy with my final choice.

I’m not really sure what form of therapy I’m using right now. I go in his office, he sits at a desk and I sit on the other side, it’s very informal and I like that. We have some things in common, for example, he is also from the east coast. I’m very comfortable with him and I’m comfortable in his office in general. Basically, I talk about what’s happening now, what happened in the past, and my fears, and he points out some patterns that I never noticed. Then, he provides some solutions and even gives me small easy steps to take to achieve these solutions. He holds me accountable. I suppose you could say that he helps me find and use tools to deal with situations that I encounter. He also helps me to have healthier relationships with anyone/everyone I know. He knows my triggers and makes sure to always respect them and my boundaries.

It took me a few years to be able to talk about the abusive relationship I was in. But one day, only a few months ago, I finally opened up. He was great about it. I didn’t feel judged or looked down upon. He doesn’t bring up certain aspects of it because he knows how much of a trigger it is for me. I think that the type of therapy I use is talk therapy, also called psychotherapy, but I could be wrong. No matter what, the therapy that I do is helpful; I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t. Therapy is very difficult; it’s hard to talk about your life, problems, and difficult situations, especially face to face with another person. If you can get past these difficulties and the fears of talking about some of your most sensitive issues with a stranger, you will gain the benefits at some point, just hang in there.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 2

Last night I took 50mg, as instructed. I had some problems falling asleep because I couldn’t breathe; I actually had to go get my inhaler and sit upright for about an hour. It’s a sign of an anxiety attack, except for the fact that I didn’t feel much anxiety. However, once I was finally able to fall asleep, I slept! I actually slept about 6 or 7 hours, and the best part is that I slept straight through the night! That almost never happens to me, I’m so excited.

Once I woke up, I noticed that I was a bit unsteady, but only if I bent over or was too active. So I’ve asked for help with things, and my husband was more than happy to assist me. I also noticed that I’m slurring some of my words, and I did wake up with a sore throat. The longer I’m awake, the better I feel. Both of these things are side effects of Clozapine. I will inform my psychiatrist, but I do not want to quit this medication so quickly. I’m prepared to tough it out.

Family Get-Togethers

My family (in-laws) likes to get together a lot, at least for every birthday and holiday. Honestly, I like that. Family is extremely important to me and they are always supportive. Only recently have I really started opening up about the depths of what’s going on with me, and I was pleasantly surprised as to how understanding and encouraging they were. They already knew about my diagnoses, but not the details about how I feel in the moment. Being more honest about my mental health state has made me feel more comfortable with them; I don’t feel like there’s anything I need to hold back anymore.

One thing I really struggle with is saying ‘No’, to anyone about anything. I don’t know why, but I would usually rather have an anxiety or panic attack than tell someone I can’t do something. I told my mother-in-law, who I am getting closer and closer with (and I love that), and she was extremely understanding. I even feel as if I could tell her ‘No’ and I wouldn’t freak out about it. It’s amazing what a little bit of honestly and openness will do.

Yesterday, I received an invitation from my husband’s aunt for a get-together that will happen tomorrow. I really want to go to this; I get along well with everyone. I’m going to call today and say I can go, but I’m a bit nervous because of the new medicine I started. I’m increasing my dose by 25mg every night; what happens if I can’t physically go at the last minute? I don’t like being the person that cancels last minute, but I can’t say how I will be feeling tomorrow evening because of this medication. It’s a different reason than I normally have for being nervous about get-togethers. Maybe I should just be completely honest and tell them everything I just wrote. Honesty is the best policy, even when it’s scary.

My husband’s family, which I consider to be my family instead of just my in-laws, is extremely important to me. Almost all of my side of the family lives in the North East, with a few people scattered around the US. However, I am the only one from my side of the family that lives in Arizona. All of my husband’s family lives near; I love that we have the ability to see them almost any time we want.

Problems Sleeping, Still

My sleep has been screwed up for the past 2 weeks. Some nights I only sleep 3 – 5 hours and others its 5 – 6 hours if I’m lucky. Only 1 night did I sleep less than 2 hours. I try to nap during the day, but it never works. I seem to be getting more done at night when I’m unable to sleep than I do during the day. I like things to be organized. Anything that can be organized alphabetically, is, including my filing cabinets, all my spices, and the apps on my phone. I also organize my spices by size and brand. Maybe that’s a bit excessive, but it makes me feel good to be organized. Being productive is something that helps me feel better, which is why I keep trying to get things done. If I can’t sleep, I think it’s better to be productive than just sit on the couch watching TV or waiting for the morning to come.

The only issue is that I feel that I need to stay quiet so I don’t wake my husband. Luckily he has ear plugs that he wears, but I’m still cautious. Just because I can’t sleep doesn’t mean he shouldn’t sleep either. I haven’t cleaned my house in 6 days. So if I can’t sleep again tonight, then I know what I’ll be doing. I’ll dust every surface, clean the kitchen, clean the bathrooms, and anything else I can find to do, I’ll just do it as quietly as possible.

I start a new medication tonight, the Clozapine that I’ve been talking about, and I’m so nervous. I keep pretending I’m okay, but I’m not, I’m a wreck inside. I’m trying to think of the positives. The first thing that comes to my mind is that one side effect is drowsiness. Normally that would be a negative aspect, but since I’m not sleeping much, the drowsiness side effect could actually work in my favor. If I end up being tired and actually sleeping, I will just have to clean the house tomorrow.

My psychiatrist is fantastic. He asked me to check in with him every day to make sure that there are no problems. It’s nice to know that he will be available every day just in case I have an issue. It’s time to take my meds; I’m anxious, but I’m ready to find out how well it goes.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Anxiety Attack