Tag: Bipolar

Holding On For Dear Life

Holding On For Dear Life

Right now, I am holding on with all I’ve got. The Clozapine has caused a huge weight gain. I’ve gained more than 30 pounds in 3 months. It doesn’t matter how much I workout or what I eat, I just keep gaining weight. I know I made a committment to keep trying Clozapine until I reach my goal dose of 400 mg. I still have another month of dosage increases until I get to my goal. When I say I’m going to do something, I mean it. I want to hold myself to my committment. However, it’s easier said than done.

I told my psychiatrist about the weight gain. He told me that there are some measures we can take. However, he is on vacation, so I have to wait until next week.  So I know that there is something that could possibly help with my weight gain, but I have to wait another week. I understand that everyone is entitled to go on vacation, but waiting even another day is extremely hard, a week is close to impossible. But somehow, someway, I will do it.

The problem with going off of Clozapine, is that there aren’t many other options for me. I’ve already tried ECT for over a year. I don’t want to do IV Ketamine because the thought of dissociation is terrifying for me. I’ve taken so many medications, there aren’t many options left. I keep questioning my future since my treatment options are getting fewer and fewer. This is when I really rely on my friends and family. So far, I have been shown nothing but love and support. I can do this; I can get through this. That’s what I need to keep telling myself.

Happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July to everyone. This is a holiday where people like to get together with friends and family. People throw parties, grill, watch fireworks, and enjoy the company of others. However, that is difficult for me. I don’t do well at parties with lots of other people. When my husband asks me what I want to do today, I don’t always know what to say. I would rather stay home tonight and make sure the dog doesn’t freak out with the fireworks that will be going off. I’m using my dog as an excuse so I can stay home where I’m comfortable.

Sometimes I feel like I’m dragging people down because I don’t want to go out to family/friend parties, even though people tell me that it’s not a problem. I do push myself to do things that I’m uncomfortable with often. However, a 4th of July party is not something I can push myself to do. Maybe next year.

The past few days have been rough and I don’t know why. Nothing has changed that I can think of. I’m extremely tired and been having a big problem getting started each day for the past several days. Life is just overwhelming at this time, but I know it will pass eventually. I just have to hold on until these difficult times pass.

I Can’t Get Started

I Can’t Get Started

The past few days, I’ve been having a very hard time getting my day started. My muscles and joints feel like they’re too tired to move. This starts from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. I have no clue how to fix this. I did decide that I would try taking a day off of working out, which means no Zumba or gym workout today. I’ve spent a good amount of time today stretching my muscles, hoping that it would help, but there’s been no change so far.

I am so tired today that I actually took a nap for about 45 minutes. I slept fine last night, but for some reason, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. So far, today has not been at all productive. After I finish writing this, I am going to start cleaning my house. A clean house always makes me feel better; maybe it will help me.

I usually write when I wake up in the morning, but I haven’t had it in me to do that. I think I need to push myself to stick to my routine. When I wake up I should feed the dog, check my email, write about what’s on my mind, and then start any tasks written on my to-do list. I will try that again starting tomorrow.

 

Learning To Say No

Learning To Say No

I struggle when it comes to saying no to just about anyone. If someone asks me to do something for them or help them with something, I almost always say yes, even if it’s overwhelming for me. I suppose that saying no is more anxiety provoking for me than whatever it is I’m asked to do. This is something I’ve been working on with my therapist. He keeps trying to get me to say no to something, even something small; however, I hadn’t followed through on this until yesterday.

A family member wrote a script and is filming it soon. He has all of the parts filled except for one, the part of a mother, and he asked me if I would play that role. This would be too much for me to do, even if the role wasn’t a mother. Trying to play a mother role would be way too hard for me to do since I cannot have children. I don’t need another reminder that I’m not a mom. I started to cry, so I turned the water on and did the dishes so my husband wouldn’t hear me. I guess I wasn’t up for talking about it at that time.

I told this person that I’m honored he would think of me for this; however, it would be too much for me to handle. I thanked him for thinking of me. I hope all goes well, but I will not be able to participate. I was as polite as possible, but I still feel like I’m letting him down by saying no to his request. He was a bit sad that I turned him down, but I’m sure he’ll be able to find someone to fill the part. At least I took care of myself and did what I needed to do for my comfort level. All I’m doing now is wondering if he is mad at me or not.

I’m actually looking forward to my next therapy appointment so I can tell him that I finally said no to something. I wonder if it’s something I can do again? Now that I said no to someone once, will it become easier to do in the future?

Working Out

Working Out

I’ve been working out on a regular basis. I either do Zumba at home or I workout at the gym with my husband. Sometimes, like yesterday, I do both. It feels good to be able to push myself through these workouts; however, it would be nice if I was able to lose some weight. It doesn’t matter how much I workout or what I eat, my weight either stays the same or I gain weight. It’s extremely frustrating. I was going to give up, but my husbad reminded me that working out is not just about losing weight. It’s also about being healthy.

I know that the Clozapine is a big factor in the weight gain. It’s also what is making it almost impossible for me to lose weight. I really want to go off of if because of that; however, I made a committment to increase my dose until I get to 400mg. I want to keep my committment, but I also need to stay healthy. It’s very possible that once I stop increasing my dose, my body will get used to the Clozapine and the side effect of weight gain could go away.

I really want to try to wait this out. I want to have hope that the weight gain will stop. I want to hope that my working out will help me lose weight. Right now, I’m just trying to stay hopeful, which is extremely difficult.

Fireworks Fear

Fireworks Fear

The 4th of July is coming, and that means fireworks. I’m not a fan of fireworks because of the noises they make. In my neighborhood, people started setting off fireworks last night. They will do so every night and they will do more and more each night. They even set them off during the day. I’m not trying to be un-American; I’m just saying that fireworks scare me. Loud noises that come out from nowhere and happen over and over again terrify me. It’s a PTSD trigger.

My dog normally barks at fireworks and never stops barking, but last year I got him a ‘ThunderShirt’. The shirt is like a giant hug and is meant to help keep dogs calm. It works like magic. My dog may bark once, but then he goes and lays down. At least I don’t have to deal with my dog barking nonstop all night long from the fireworks.

The fireworks started last night. One really loud one went off, and I thought it was a gunshot. It’s not uncommon to hear gunshots in my neighborhood at night. My dog barked once and then went to bed. I wouldn’t mind the fireworks if they only happened one night, on the 4th of July. But instead, it’s at least 4 or 5 days of fireworks and loud noises.

I do my best to manage my fears. It scares me a little less since I already know that the fireworks are coming. I can prepare myself for them. Some nights, like on July 4th, I will take a Valium, which will allow me to actually enjoy the fireworks and celebration. Do other people have this same fear and problem?

I Don’t Know How I Feel

I Don’t Know How I Feel

I have had several people ask me how I’m doing lately including some friends, family, and doctors. However, the problem is that I don’t know how I feel. I’m not sure if I’m sad and depressed, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, fearful, lonely, or anxious. Maybe I’m all of those emotions combined. I know I’m not happy, but that’s about all I know. It’s very strange to be full of emotions, but not be able to pinpoint what any of those emotions are.

When people ask me how I’m doing, I just say I’m fine or I’m okay. It’s so much easier than trying to figure out how I’m really doing. Plus, most people don’t want to hear what’s really going on. The only problem with that, is my therapist wants to know how I’m doing, and I struggle to figure it out when I have therapy appointments.

I’ve thought about using a mood tracking app, but they all ask you questions regarding how you’re feeling and how much you feel each emotion. Since I have no clue what I’m feeling, it makes that extremely difficult. I suppose I’ll have to wait on the mood tracker until I’m able to determine how I really feel.

I’m pretty sure that this is all a part of my depression. It’s another problem to work through, and I will get through it, eventually.

Difficulties At The Pharmacy

Difficulties At The Pharmacy

Yesterday, I dropped off my weekly Clozapine prescription at the pharmacy. I asked the pharmacy technician if she could check to see if my lab work had come in. I told her that it gets faxed over from the lab every week, and that someone from the pharmacy normally puts a copy in my file. She looked at me weird, and said, “We don’t do blood work here.” I explained to her again, that I get my blood work done at a lab and then the lab sends my blood work to the pharmacy so I can get my prescription filled. She still didn’t understand; she told me again, “We don’t do blood work here anymore.”

Wow, I was surprised at how ignorant this woman was. If she had just taken 30 seconds to listen to my explanation, then she would understand. At this point, she went to the back of the pharmacy with my prescription. When she came back up front, I asked if she found my blood work results. Her response was, “I don’t know, I didn’t look.” I was so baffled that I just decided to leave instead of try to get this woman to understand me. I asked her to please call me if there were any problems filling the prescription.

Luckily, they were able to fill my prescription. The pharmacist must have found my blood work in my file. I think they’re finally getting used to receiving my blood work results and having me filling my weekly Clozapine prescription there. The pharmacy technician I had this odd interaction with was new, so I can understand her being confused; however, if she had just listed to my explanation, she would have understood easily.

Genetic Testing

Genetic Testing

Five months ago, my psychiatrist had me do some genetic testing. He told me that the genetic tests would tell him how my body reacts to specific medications. The testing would assess my DNA, looking for key genetics. It would be possible to find out which medications would work better for me and which medications I would be more prone to side effects. Basically, this test could tell me which medications would be more difficult for my body to handle.

I agreed to do the testing because it was free through my insurance. Also, I already know I tend to have problems with medications due to my Ashkenazi genes. I figured that more information couldn’t hurt. When the results came, the main thing that they told me was that my body is not able to process folic acid properly. My psychiatrist explained to me that this issue can make it more difficult for any of my medications to be effective.

He started me on a medication called Deplin (L-Methylfolate). It turned out that I knew of several people who started taking the same medication and they found it to be extremely helpful. I started the medication with a positive attitude. However, in the past five months, I don’t see any real changes from the Deplin. I only have more issues, not less. I want to get off the medication, but I can’t make too many changes at one time. As soon as I can make another change, which is not the Clozapine or ECT, I will go off the Deplin. I know that it’s helpful for many people; it just isn’t helpful for me.

The genetic testing also told me which medications I have an increased risk for side effects or a poor response. It’s not a guarantee, it just tells me what’s more probable. For example, Abilify, Saphris, Tegretol, Clozapine, and Seroquel are all suggested to use with caution. I have taken all of these medications at one time; I’m currently still on Tegretol and Clozapine. Some of these medications I had no problem with, such as the Tegretol. Other medications have had major issues. The Abilify caused an extreme manic episode and the Clozapine is currently causing weight gain.

I know that the genetic testing can be helpful for many people, but I haven’t found it to be too beneficial for me. I’m still glad I did it. Even if it didn’t help that much for me, if I didn’t do it, I would be questioning everything all the time. Of course I wish it was more helpful for me; but no helpful information is better than nothing at all.