Tag: Bipolar

So Many Medical Appointments

So Many Medical Appointments

This week has been full of doctor/medical appointments. I had my blood work done on Monday, talk therapy was yesterday, today was my gyn to treat my interstitial cystitis. I feel like all I do is go from one doctor to the next, over and over again. My blood work went well this week. I saw the woman who normally asks too many personal questions; she’s quite inappropriate. I was told that I should report her, but I didn’t. This last appointment, when I saw her, she only asked how I was doing. She didn’t try to tell me how I should treat and manage my bipolar disorder. I get extremely nervous when I see her, but now I know that I can see her without having her get inappropriate.

My therapy appointment went well. I actually opened up to him a little more than I expected. I told him some things that I’ve been thinking about that I haven’t told anyone else. It felt good to finally get some of the ideas that are running around in my head off my chest. It would have been better if talking about it made it go away. Instead, it just brought the negative thinking to the front of my mind. I keep going over and over it in my mind. I wonder when it will stop. At least I have someone I feel comfortable talking to about it. I’m not comfortable talking about it here yet, but maybe I will one day soon.

My gyn treats my interstitial cystitis, also called painful bladder disorder, by doing an installation. They are very uncomfortable, only sometimes do I yell or swear during the treatment. I’ve been doing the treatments every week for a couple of months now. Today, I found out that I finally get to do the treatments ever two weeks. I’m ecstatic about that.

I wish I could have a week without doctor appointments. I suppose the next time that will happen will be when I go to Cape Cod, although I’ll still have to get my blood drawn in order to get my Clozapine prescription. One day, I believe I will have a doctor-free week. It may not be today or even this month, but it will happen at some point.

Talk Therapy Today

Talk Therapy Today

I have therapy today, in a couple of hours. I like my therapist; he’s wonderful and I feel comfortable with him, which is not normal for me. However, sometimes I go in and I have nothing to say. That’s unheard of, I always have something to say. I have no clue what is going on with me. I used to go to therapy and just talk on and on. The past couple times, he had to ask me questions to get me to start talking. That never used to happen. One of the things about me that anyone who knows me knows that I almost never stop talking.

Lately, I’ve been trying to talk less at home. Sometimes I feel like I’m annoying people, like my husband, so I’m trying not to talk unless it’s important. I tend to talk about obvious things, things that aren’t necessary, and I also repeat myself. Some of this is due to my memory loss, but the rest of it is just who I am.

I have been going to therapy continuously since I was 14 years old. That’s a lot of talking; maybe I’m running out of things to talk about. I have a few ideas in my head that I want to talk to my therapist about today. Hopefully, when I get there, I will remember the topics. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I still find it pretty funny that I would be short of words.

Sad Nightmare

Sad Nightmare

Last night I had a terrible dream last night, it was a nightmare unlike any others I have had. My father was in a coma in the hospital for a few years. I would go visit him, hoping he would wake up, but nothing would happen. Then, one day, he finally awoke but he didn’t know who I was. He didn’t know who anyone in our family was. This was horrible. I was crying in my dream and I woke up crying as well. In real life, my father died over 12 years ago and I miss him more than I thought possible. I wish I could have a good dream about my father; then it would be like having him back, even if it was for a moment.

I tend to have a lot of bad dreams and nightmares. The only good thing is that I tend to forget them shortly after I wake up; however, I do wake up scared or sad. It often takes me a little while to figure out what is real and what isn’t when I first wake up. Most of my nightmares are about my past or they involve losing loved ones. I would like to stop my nightmares without taking any new medication. Maybe I should put up a dream catcher above my bed to catch my bad dreams.

When Is It Enough?

When Is It Enough?

At this point, Clozapine is causing a few side effects such as weight gain, drooling (increased salivation), and dystonia. I have to figure out when enough is enough. There are medications that can help with these side effects, but I’m already taking enough meds. I’m currently on Lithium, Tegretol, Cytomel, Deplin, Mirapex, Clozapine, Inositol, Depo-Estradiol, and Depo-Testosterone regularly. I also take Zofran, Percocet, and Valium as needed. I’ll probably be adding Cogentin to this list after I talk to my doctor today about the dystonia.

How many more medications can I add to this list? Every medication has side effects, even the ones that I’m taking to fix side effects of other medicines. It’s a vicious cycle. I know I need to take something, I’m assuming Cogentin for the dystonia, because I can’t handle the pain and discomfort.

I’m trying to decide when enough is enough with a medication. I believe that the Clozapine is helping me; however, it is the cause of the three side effect weight gain, drooling, and dystonia. I just can’t figure out if I should stop the medication or not. I made a decision earlier that I would keep taking this medication through the next two months of dosage increases. I have been told that once I stop increasing the medication, my body may adjust to it and the side effects may lessen. It’s hard to make decisions like this. I’ve gone through a long list of meds that didn’t work. Now, I may have found a medication that actually helps, and it causes all sorts of other problems. I know that my other option is IV Ketamine, and I really don’t want to do that. I suppose I will put up with these side effects for as long as I can.

Another Side Effect of Medication

Another Side Effect of Medication

The side effect I’m experiencing is from taking Clozapine. It is a side effect I’ve experienced before from a different medication, Seroquel, so at least I know what’s going on; I’m not scared or nervous, I’m just frustrated. The side effect is called Dystonia. It is a movement disorder that can cause muscle cramping and can effect as small as one muscle group or as large as your entire body. I’m lucky because the dystonia only has an effect on my lower legs, specifically my ankles. At night, or whenever I get tired, the muscles in my ankles start cramping and causing pain. I used to take Cogentin to counteract this issue, but I stopped taking it when I went off the Seroquel because I didn’t think I needed it anymore.

This past week, I have been especially tired because I haven’t been sleeping that well. This past week is when I first started to notice the dystonia acting up again. When it first started, it was just annoying. As each day passes, it gets more and more uncomfortable until it gets too painful to deal with. Maybe it’s part of what is keeping me awake at night. It’s hard to sleep when you’re in pain and can’t sit still because of the cramping. Last night, I went through my medicine cabinet and found my old pill bottle of Cogentin from a few months back. I took 0.5mg last night, and I took a dose about 30 minutes ago. Tomorrow, I will email my psychiatrist and let him know what’s going on with this issue. I will also ask him if I can take 1mg because the 0.5mg does not seem to be working.

Sometimes, it seems as if some medications can cause more problems than they can help. Clozapine has many side effects, and I’m lucky enough to get several of those side effects (that’s sarcasm, just so you know). Although, I suppose I am pretty lucky. The dystonia could have an effect on my entire body, but luckily it is only a problem in my ankles. I try to remind myself that things could be worse. I try to remember to be grateful for what I have.

Missing My Father on Father’s Day

Missing My Father on Father’s Day

Today is Father’s Day. I’m trying to remember any of the Father’s Days that I spent with my dad, but I can’t. I think that’s because of my memory loss from ECT. Years ago, my mom made several DVDs for everyone in the family that are all about the entire family. Maybe I could watch some of those videos today to have them help bring back some memories. However, they could make me more emotional than I am, and I really don’t want to deal with that right now.

I think I’ll keep myself busy today by cleaning. Staying busying keeps my mind from wandering sometimes. It gives me something to focus on, which can be helpful. A memory of my father just came to me, and I’ll try to write about it, but I am tearing up a bit. I would practice playing the piano just about every day. My dad would come in and sit in the big white leather swivel chair. He would sit there, listening to me, and he would put his arms up as if he was a conductor, conducting an entire orchestra. He would do that all the time. He loved it when I would play Fur Elise and Flight of The Bumblebee. He’s probably the reason why I love classical music.

My dad and I used to go skiing together. He would even fly me out to mountains that were a couple of hours away, such as Sugarloaf, Sugarbush, Whiteface, etc. I remember one day he woke me up very early and asked me if I wanted to go skiing. He made sure I didn’t have any tests that day in school, and then we got dressed and went to his airport (where he kept his plane). I can’t remember which mountain we went to that day, but I do remember skiing and having lunch together in the ski lodge.

I also remember that any time my mom would go away for the day, my dad would have us clean the house so it was clean when she got home. The funniest part of it is that he would sit in the family room reading the newspaper while my brother, my sister, and I would clean. Then, when my mom got home, he would say, “I cleaned the house for you.” That used to annoy me, but now it makes me smile.

I used to hang out with my dad in the break room of his pharmacy. He always wore a white shirt at the store and a pocket protector. Everyone knew my dad, and he was friends with everyone. His employees and his friends would hang out in the break room drinking coffee and telling jokes. I never understood what they were saying because I was so young, but I had a great time simply being there with my dad.

So I do have some memories of my dad; ECT didn’t wipe them all out. I still don’t remember any specific Father’s Day, but that’s okay. As long as I can still hold onto the wonderful memories that I do have, I will be happy. Happy Father’s Day.

Slightly Better For Now

Slightly Better For Now

I’m feeling slightly better today. I’m still upset about being labeled totally and permanently disabled, even though it’s what I needed to have happen. At least I’m not crying today like I was last night. Plus, it’s just a label; it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be disabled forever, even though it feels like that sometimes. It just sucks because I’m already doing everything I can do and the result is not very good. Oh well, at least I’m trying. I am proud of myself for doing all that I can do, whether it helps or not. If I wasn’t working at being healthy, then I wouldn’t be able to take pride in that aspect of my life.

I talked to my husband this morning about how I’m feeling. He kept trying to make me feel better; it was sweet and thoughtful. At least he cares enough to try. I have to give him credit for that.

I did sleep last night, but I didn’t fall asleep until 5am. I slept for 5 hours, which isn’t too bad. It’s better than not sleeping at all. I find it odd to be depressed but not sleeping very much. Usually, when I’m depressed, I sleep all the time. So does that mean I’m in a mixed state? Or can I have symptoms of both depression and mania, and still be in a depression? I’m not sure how it works. Anyway, hopefully things will continue to improve, even if it’s only one tiny bit at a time.

Depressed and Disabled

Depressed and Disabled

Yesterday ended up being a difficult day. The evening was the hard part. After my husband left for work, this deep heart-rending, wretched feeling set in. I started to feel ashamed of who I am; that is a feeling I haven’t felt in quite a while. I thought it was because of my weight, but that wasn’t it. I spent more time crying tonight than I have in months.

My mom called and we talked for a while. I started to tell her how I was feeling. As I was talking to her I figure out what the issue was. It was that my doctor completed my total and permanent disability paperwork. My therapist was also willing to do the paperwork if I needed it. Because of this paperwork, I realized that I had been on disability for 78 months. Wow, that is a long time. It’s something about being told I’m permanently disabled. I know it’s just a term, but it’s already been so long, and I’m not doing much better. I guess that’s why they diagnosed me as treatment resistant.

No matter what do or how hard I try, there’s always going to be a problem. I’ll go up and down; it will get better and worse, but the possibility of me becoming and staying stable is not likely. When my doctor filled out that paperwork for the total and permanent disability, he did so because he believes that to be true. He doesn’t believe that I will get back to fully functioning. I suppose I don’t believe I will get back to what I had before; a job and a social life. I don’t think everything is a failure; I’m just questioning it all.

The good thing is that I know this will pass. I will have an up-swing again, these feelings will go away, and I’ll deal with the problems of mania. At least my life stays interesting; it’s always something.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Keep Calm and Carry On

Today was a good workout at the gym with my husband. I’m doing the best I can to be okay during my workouts. I may feel like I’m freaking out, but I’m trying to remain calm. I don’t want to feed into my fears. I’m working on using the mirrors in the gym to my advantage. I’m using them to help me see things that are going on around and behind me. We are generally able to go to the gym when it’s slow, which is usually when most people are at work. That is a huge help to my anxiety.

I’m finally feeling better after being awake for two days. Yesterday, I was still feeling kind of messed up. It’s weird what happens to your body when you’re awake for 42 hours straight. Hopefully I won’t have any more problems sleeping. I think that the whole issue was caused by anxiety; probably from my dose increase and from stopping ECT. At least I’m feeling well enough to do my regular routine.

I’m trying to be grateful for what I do have and think positive about everything. This is easier said than done, but all that matters is that I keep trying. Just keep calm and carry on (as much as possible).

Clozapine Increase

Last night was the first night of my Clozapine dosage increase. I only went up by 25mg. I knew I was going to be doing this increase for almost two weeks; it’s about time I was finally able to start it. My psychiatrist told me to keep an eye out for fevers, dizziness, or other similar symptoms. Hopefully that won’t happen this time.

As I was looking at the side effects for Clozapine and weight gain was one of the bigger ones. Maybe that explains why I’ve gained and keep gaining weight. I keep trying to lose weight, but it’s not working. The Clozapine is working against me. I hate meds that cause weight gain, it’s not fair. Not like much of anything is fair, but sometimes it feels as if I have to choose between the ability to control my weight and the possibility of being stable.

I think that the Clozapine has been working for me. I want to give it a real try before giving up on it. I will follow through with the next two months of increase until I’m finally able to double my dose. The question is, how am I going to be able to control my weight? At least my husband is helpful and supportive. I’ve gained and lost weight many times in my life. I can do it again this time. I just don’t want to keep gaining weight right now. I’m ready to lose the weight.