Therapist Waiting Room

Yesterday, I walked into my therapist’s office and anxiety hit me immediately. There are a total of seven chairs in his office, and every single one of them was occupied. I walked up to the receptionist’s desk and decided to wait for the receptionist to appear. I stood there for a few minutes, but she never came forward. A chair opened up, so I decided to sit down. I get very nervous around strangers. I’m not comfortable being close to just about anyone, especially strangers. I don’t like to be touched by strangers. It’s a PTSD trigger for me. I even carry a spring-loaded knife with me everywhere I go, which probably is not a smart idea, but it’s what I do. My PTSD has improved, but there was a time that I couldn’t be touched by anyone, not even my loved ones.

My appointment was at 4pm; I arrived five minutes early. I sat in the open chair and moved as far away from the other people as I possibly could. I looked down at my phone and saw that the time was 4:22pm. Even more people had arrived in his office. I’ve never seen it this crowded before. Normally, there are only one or two other people in the waiting room when I’m there. I was caught off guard by the amount of people there. I decided that if my therapist didn’t call me back by 4:30pm, then I would leave. I knew that my therapist would understand if I left, he knows how difficult crowds are for me. Two minutes later, my therapist called me back into his office. I was shaking, fidgety, and rocking back and forth. He could see that I was having an anxiety attack, and he knew why. He told me that a family of six people all came to an appointment for a family member who was seeing someone else in the office. I understand someone’s parents going to an appointment, but I don’t know why all of their siblings would go as well. They didn’t even go into the appointment; they all just sat there in the waiting room. Oh well, everyone does things differently.

I had a good appointment with my therapist. He’s easy to talk to and offers helpful insights. I’ve been seeing him for several years; I think it’s been since sometime around 2011. Talking to him feels more or less like I’m talking to a friend.

Why Is Meditating So Difficult?

I’ve been meditating every day for the past week using the guided imagery for women with interstitial cystitis CD. I’ve really been trying to meditate, but it’s really difficult for me. I have made sure to at least try to meditate using the CDs each day. Some days are harder than others, but pretty much every day is difficult. The second I’m supposed to sit down and relax my mind starts to run even faster than normal (which I didn’t know was possible). I start to fidget and get itchy. I try to ignore these things, but the more I ignore them the more obvious they become. I don’t know why meditating is so much work for me. I’m told that it will get easier with practice.

Meditation is supposed to be relaxing, so why do I get anxious when attempting to meditate? The difficulties that I’m having with it are the reasons why I never liked meditating. Despite the difficulties I’m having with meditation, I keep trying because of the benefits that it has. The guided meditation I’m using is supposed to help with my bladder disorder. I’ve been having so many problems with my bladder that I’m willing to try anything in order to see some improvement. There was one time that I was meditating using the CD and I ended up falling asleep. I don’t know if that counts as meditating since I fell asleep in the middle of it, but it does show that I’m getting better because I had to be relaxed in order fall asleep. I can say for certain that I have been giving 100% effort into meditation every day and I will continue to do so for at least one month.

Another Week Of Clozapine

It’s time to refill my Clozapine again. I really hate having to do this every week. I spend so much time making sure the pharmacy can find my blood work results (they usually can figure out where they put the paperwork) and making sure my prescription is refilled or called in as necessary. After I’ve been on this medication for six months, I will be able to do this entire process every other week. Then, once I’ve been on it for a year, I get to do this once a month. So there is something to look forward to, it’s just going to take some time to get there. I started taking Clozapine in the beginning of April, so I still have to do this weekly ordeal until the beginning of October. That time can’t come quick enough.

Even though dealing with this charade is very stressful and difficult, the medication has been helpful. I do believe that Clozapine has helped to improve my depression when nothing else was helping. The reason the blood work and weekly scripts have to be completed is to protect me, and anyone taking the medication, from serious side effects that could occur. So far, I’m doing okay, and I hope that the Clozapine will eventually help me, and maybe even help me become stable. Anything is possible.

UPDATE: I received an email from Walgreens letting me know that my Clozapine prescription has been filled and is ready to be picked up. I’m going to go get it tomorrow afternoon. I’m so surprised. I didn’t even have to make sure they found my blood work or explain that I get the prescription every week. This is the first time that they did it all on their own, and I’ve been doing this every week for over two months. This is wonderful news; maybe it will be this easy to get my weekly Clozapine prescription.

Being Open About Mental Health

At this point in my life, I have decided to be open about my bipolar disorder. This doesn’t mean that I walk around telling everyone I meet that I’m bipolar, and I don’t wear a sign saying ‘Bipolar 1’, but I don’t hide my diagnosis. However, I have no problem telling people my diagnosis and explaining to them what it’s like for me. I feel like sometimes I’m educating people who know nothing about mental health. Other times, I end up meeting some people who also deal with mental health themselves or through a loved one.

There will always be people in the world who don’t understand mental health. There are still some people who do not believe in mental health. It’s really hard to talk to someone who believes that. Instead of arguing with them, I’ve found that I’m not going to change their minds, so I just let them believe what they want to believe.

I used to try to hide my diagnosis; I was always afraid what others would think of me. Hiding it took so much work, it was exhausting. At some point, and I’m not sure when, I finally accepted my bipolar disorder diagnosis. Once I accepted it, I no longer felt as if I needed to hide it. Plus, once I became open about my diagnosis, I realized that there are a lot more people out there that deal with mental health issues as well.

So many people are afraid to talk about mental health, but there’s no need to avoid the subject. The only way people can learn about it is by discussing it. Talking about mental health will help get rid of or reduce the stigmas that we deal with on a regular basis. If someone has a problem with my mental health, then that is their problem, not mine.

Insomnia…

I’ve probably mentioned before that I’m an insomniac. However, the Clozapine I take at night helps me fall asleep with 20 minutes, I just don’t stay asleep. I wake up at least twice every night. It would be nice to sleep through the night, but I don’t know if that will ever happen. My mind is always running extremely fast. It goes from one thought, to the next, and so on. I never catch a break; I never get a moment of peace from my own brain. This happens when I’m manic, depressed, and even when I’m not experiencing an episode.

There are many aspects in life that affect my ability to sleep. These aspects include keeping a routine, medications, my anxiety level, and my honesty. Keeping a routine is important, but it’s something that I’m not very good at. I almost never go to bed at the same time every night. I pretty much go to sleep whenever I feel like it, so that isn’t very helpful. Several of my medications, including Lithium and Tegretol XR, can cause insomnia in patients. I’m sure this worsens my ability to sleep. My anxiety level is high quite often. Even when it’s not high, I deal with anxiety on a regular basis, especially when I’m outside of my home. For me, it’s important to remain honesty. I have a hard time living with myself if I’m not honest. I truly believe that honesty is the best policy; it’s important that when we interact with others, you should treat them the way you want to be treated.

There are many reasons why I could struggle with insomnia. I wonder if this is something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. When I was a young child, I would fall asleep anywhere. Now, I have to force myself to fall asleep. And to make matters even worse, I tend to have nightmares when I finally do fall asleep. My husband says that he can tell when I’m having a bad dream because I talk very loudly in my sleep and I’m constantly tossing and turning. When I wake up, I don’t always remember my dream/nightmare, but I do remember feeling terrified. I wonder if there’s anything I can do to help get rid of these nightmares.

Anxiety Symptoms – Problems Breathing

I have anxiety attacks on a daily basis. Sometimes I know what causes them, other times I don’t. It’s not even actual events that always cause my anxiety attacks; sometimes my thinking can cause them to occur. My anxiety symptoms differ depending on the severity of the anxiety attack. Some of my symptoms include heart palpitations, shaking, chest pain, extreme fear, inability to speak normally, hot flashes, severe shortness of breath, dizziness, rocking back and forth, confusion and crying.

The severe shortness of breath is probably one of the worst anxiety symptoms I have to manage. All of the sudden, it feels as if I can’t breathe, like somehow my lungs are collapsing. It feels like it’s happening to both of my lungs at the same time; it seems as if the top portions of my lungs are collapsing. I try to take in a deep breath, but I can’t. I try over and over again with no luck. Then it gets worse; I can’t breathe if there is air blowing in my face. I have to turn off all of the fans and I need to sit completely still. I don’t know why I have to do these things, but I do know that they help me breathe. Sometimes my inhalers help, other times it does nothing for me. Then suddenly, I’m able to yawn, allowing me to take in a full breath of air. Finally, I feel okay again; however, it only lasts a couple of minutes until it starts all over from the beginning.

The Valium I take can help every other anxiety or panic symptom that I have, but it doesn’t help my breathing problems. This has been happening for years. I’m tired of it all, but all I can do is attempt to manage the symptoms. Does anyone else have breathing problems like I described when it comes to their anxiety? If so, I would like to hear how you manage

Blaming Myself Is Exhausting

If you’re anything like I am, you blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life. Every time that something goes differently than I want it to, I consider it to be my fault. The truth is, it may not be anyone’s fault, but I still blame myself. This is a very hard way to live life, and it’s very exhausting as well. I also tend to apologize to others for no reason. My husband is always asking me why I keep saying ‘I’m sorry’. I don’t know what to tell him. I do my best not to apologize for that; to be honest, I don’t know where this issue comes from.

It’s not necessary to take responsibility for everything that happens in life. Some things just don’t go the way you want them to; however, I don’t know how to express my feelings to other people without telling them I’m sorry. When my husband is in pain, I tell him I’m sorry. What am I supposed to tell him? When my friend is upset, what am I supposed to tell him/her? I suppose I’m just unsure how to express my emotions. I’m open to suggestions, if anyone would like to offer any.

Worst Case Scenarios

I’ve been told that I always tend to think of the worst case scenarios. I easily jump to the worst possible conclusion instead of the most likely conclusion. I try not to panic, but it happens so easily. I think that part of it is just the way I’m wired. I’m a worrier, it’s what I do. The other part is that I’ve experienced a lot of trauma over the years. My father died when I was 18 and shortly after that my boyfriend died. I have also lost numerous friends to drug and alcohol addiction and to mental illness. I suppose I just expect to hear bad news at this point. I would rather expect something bad to happen and end up being pleasantly surprised when it’s not true, than to expect good news and be disappointed with sad or scary news.

Maybe this is a terrible way to look at and deal with life, but it’s how I do things at this time. I don’t know how to do it any other way. I am learning to gather information before drawing a conclusion. For example, I heard that there was some type of incident in my home town where someone lost their life. That was all the information I could find. Instead of assuming that it was a friend or family member, I called someone to see what they knew. Turns out, it was not about anyone that I knew. Another example is that I become scared when someone I don’t know talks to me or comes up to me. I am terrified of anything I don’t know. I’ve been able to get better at this over time. Hopefully, I will continue to grow and be able to reduce my anxiety.

IV Ketamine Scares Me

The other day I made the decision to stop my ECT treatments and to increase by Clozapine dosage. I’m currently at 200mg and will be increasing my dose by 25mg each week until I reach 400mg. This was one of the options my psychiatrist gave me. Another option was to go back to doing ECT three times a week, but I’m not willing to do that at this point. The third option my psychiatrist gave me was to do IV Ketamine. He has been offering this as an option for many months now, but it’s not something I want to do.

IV Ketamine scares me for a couple of reasons. I used to get high off of Ketamine when I was using. That was a long time ago, and I know that abusing Ketamine and using IV Ketamine are two completely different things; the side effects of IV Ketamine are nothing like the effects of getting high off of it. My biggest fear of trying IV Ketamine is the possibility of dissociation. When I would use Ketamine to get high, I would take so much that I would slip into what’s called a ‘k-hole’, which is pretty much a dissociative state. I couldn’t move or speak, but I could still feel everything that was going on around me. The possibility of dissociating scares me, it triggers my PTSD. I always need to be able to protect myself, and dissociation would take that away from me. Plus, the treatments are especially expensive.

The use of IV Ketamine is highly effective, and it works very quickly. It is known to show improvements by the end of the infusion. Maybe my reasons for not trying it are ridiculous, but they are my reasons. I’m not saying that I’ll never try IV Ketamine; I would just prefer to leave it as an absolute last resort.

I Canceled ECT

Today, I called and left a message for the ECT department. I made the decision last week to stop doing ECT and I even talked to my psychiatrist about it; all I had to do to follow through on that decision was to cancel my appointment. I’m really happy that I’m stopping these treatments because it is way too hard on my mind and my body. However, I’m extremely nervous that I could slip into an even worse depression or manic episode. It doesn’t seem as if the ECT treatments have been helping me for quite a while now. My concern is what happens if it was helping and I just didn’t realize it. If I go too long without these treatments, then I would have to start back three times a week, and I can’t handle that.

I’m taking a huge risk by stopping the treatments, but I also have to listen to my body. My husband agrees that the ECT treatments aren’t helping me. He agrees with my decision to stop the treatments. It’s nice to have someone who sees me every day agree with my decision. It makes me feel a little more confident in my choice to stop. I’m curious how long it will take for some of the side effects, such as memory loss, to improve?

Are there other people who have gone through ECT treatments on a regular basis for a while and then chose to stop? If so, what happened when you stopped? How long did it take for your side effects to improve?

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Bipolar