My psychiatrist mailed me two months worth of prescriptions. These scripts, for Clozapine, will get me from my 200mg dose up to my target 400mg dose. Each script is for one week worth of medications (because I still have to do the weekly blood work). He sent me everything that I would need to get through the next two months. The scripts are pre-dated, so I can’t fill them until Wednesday of each week.
I will be starting the increase soon, either Wednesday or Thursday of this week. I’m a little concerned about the possible side effects, but I mostly think it will all work out.I’m increasing my dose slowly to hopefully avoid side effects. I guess only time will tell.
I can still contact my psychiatrist any time I need, but hopefully everything with the dosage increase will go smoothly and I won’t have to. My next appointment with him is on August 25th. Until then, I can contact him via email or text if necessary. He will still get my weekly blood work results. If he sees a problem with my blood tests, then he will contact me.
For weeks now, I have been trying to decide whether or not I will be going to Cape Cod this summer. My family has been going since before I was born. For the past many years, I go for one week. Timing wise, I overlap with my sister, her husband, and their kids for one day. Then the rest of the time is just me and my mom. It’s great that I get to see my sister and her family. It’s fantastic that I get time just me and my mom. It’s my favorite vacation.
My mom and I get along so well, we’re more like best friends. We usually have the same ideas for what we want to do. We go and lay on the beach for a bit (just a one or two minute walk from the cottage), play some games, take naps, go to see a play, etc. We have the same taste in activities. When I go back home to Connecticut, I get to spend time with my mom, but it’s not the same. This is the only time we get to be alone together.
I’ve been questioning if I was going to go or not because of my bladder disorder. My interstitial cystitis is getting worse and I’m having to get treatments every week at this point. Plus, I would have to figure out where to get my weekly blood work done and where to get my prescription filled. It could be difficult, but am I really going to let these things get in the way of my vacation? I don’t think so. I think it’s time to start looking at plane tickets.
It’s time to refill my Clozapine again. I really hate having to do this every week. I spend so much time making sure the pharmacy can find my blood work results (they usually can figure out where they put the paperwork) and making sure my prescription is refilled or called in as necessary. After I’ve been on this medication for six months, I will be able to do this entire process every other week. Then, once I’ve been on it for a year, I get to do this once a month. So there is something to look forward to, it’s just going to take some time to get there. I started taking Clozapine in the beginning of April, so I still have to do this weekly ordeal until the beginning of October. That time can’t come quick enough.
Even though dealing with this charade is very stressful and difficult, the medication has been helpful. I do believe that Clozapine has helped to improve my depression when nothing else was helping. The reason the blood work and weekly scripts have to be completed is to protect me, and anyone taking the medication, from serious side effects that could occur. So far, I’m doing okay, and I hope that the Clozapine will eventually help me, and maybe even help me become stable. Anything is possible.
UPDATE: I received an email from Walgreens letting me know that my Clozapine prescription has been filled and is ready to be picked up. I’m going to go get it tomorrow afternoon. I’m so surprised. I didn’t even have to make sure they found my blood work or explain that I get the prescription every week. This is the first time that they did it all on their own, and I’ve been doing this every week for over two months. This is wonderful news; maybe it will be this easy to get my weekly Clozapine prescription.
Sometimes I feel like all I do is go to doctor appointments, pick up my prescriptions, and manage my prescription refills. This week, I have two doctor appointments and another appointment for blood work. That’s about how many appointments I have each week. I feel pathetic. Most of my life is spent attempting to manage my health, especially my mental health.
My current meds are: Lithium 450mg twice a day, Tegretol 200mg one in the am and two at night, Cytomel 37.5mcg in the am, Clozapine 200mg at night, Deplin 15mg at night, Mirapex 1mg three times a day, Inositol 500mg in the am, Depo Estradiol injection weekly, Depo Testosterone injection monthly, Valium 10mg twice daily as needed, Percocet 10mg as needed up to four times a day, and Zofran 4mg once daily as needed. It’s difficult to manage this many medications, but I do it pretty well. I’ve gotten used to it; I’ve developed a system so I get all my meds filled on time without missing a day.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday to discuss my Clozapine dosage. I’ll probably end up with more than one medication change. I’m hoping to get off the Deplin. It’s really expensive and it doesn’t appear to be making a difference. We’ll see what happens on Thursday.
I’ve completed a few things so far today that needed to get done. I went and got my weekly blood work, this week it included a Clozapine level. I also emailed my psychiatrist to let him know how I’m doing. I let him know that I think my weakness and exhaustion is from ECT, not from Clozapine. For every step I take, it feels like I’m taking a thousand steps. Every single task I work on, even when I don’t complete them, requires a major effort. And it seems to be never-ending. Once I finish one task, there are three new ones to finish. It keeps increasing. Can’t people tell I’m not up for this right now? I know that I normally fake being okay, but I’m not even trying to fake anything right now. To fake being okay requires energy, and that is not something that I have at this time. All I can do is be myself; tired, confused, and distraught.
My husband has decided to look for a new car. Actually, my mother-in-law wants to get my husband a new car and give his current car to his brother. His immediate family is pretty much computer illiterate. His brother once told me it was amazing how I was going back and forth between two windows. So any time they want to do something, they always ask me. “Why don’t you ask Jodi? She could easily do that for you.” My only problem with that is I struggle to say no to anyone. I especially struggle to say no when I’m asked in front of a group of people. This time, it felt as if it was assumed that I would do whatever I was told to do or whatever was “asked” of me. It’s hard enough to get something done when you have one person telling you what they want, but when the decision is between two different people who aren’t in the same room, it becomes a major challenge. It is not something I want to get myself in the middle of.
Maybe I would feel a little better if I could get a few more things done that need to be done for me. Tasks such as cleaning the house would help me feel good. I even break that task down into smaller tasks so I feel productive as I’m cleaning. I already cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms a couple of days ago. All that’s left is to dust, vacuum, and mop. I wish I could get rid of my depression. It’s making life so difficult; every little task is a massive job. I just don’t want to do it anymore.
Yesterday was a rough day, but the interesting part is that I don’t remember most of it. I don’t even remember going to bed. It has to be from the ECT. I feel still pretty messed up today, and that’s not how it normally happens. Apparently, I need another day to rest after this past ECT treatment. That’s very abnormal; usually I’m back my normal self the next day, but not this time. I’m trying to continue on with my day, getting things done, but I’ve having a more difficult time than normal. I’ve crossed a couple of things off of my list, but I don’t know if I can keep going. I was going to change my weekly blood work to Thursdays instead of Fridays, but I’ll do that next week. I can’t handle having another thing to do today. I’m even struggling in my writing today. My brain just is not all there. I’m perplexed, confused, baffled, and puzzled today. Hopefully, I’ll get part of my brain back as my day goes on.