Is It My Personality?

Is It My Personality?

I often wonder what I can do to help my mental health. For example, my therapist wants me to stand up for myself and say no more often. It has me thinking, isn’t it a part of my personality, of who I am, the fact that I have a hard time saying no? Is my bipolar disorder a part of my personality or vise versa? Am I supposed to change my personality to improve my mental health?

I know there are some things that need or needed change. Twelve years ago, I stopped drinking and using drugs, which was extremely difficult. That improved both my mental and physical health. It was my activities that I changed, not my personality. I suppose that it’s not so much what I do, but how I do and handle it. I’m not sure if any of this makes much sense, but they are the thoughts that are wandering around in my mind the past couple days.

How Did I Change?

How Did I Change?

I often think about how I was when I was younger. I was a happy child and I entertained myself easily with games and toys. My mom could and did bring me everywhere with her because I was so easy. I had my own desk supplies; I would tape and staple random papers together and then show my mom what I made. She says I was a simple child.

So what happened? I ask myself all of the time, where did that happy little girl go? I know what happened when I was a teenager, hormones. But what about the rest of the time? It seems like bipolar disorder took over my mind and body. I think that’s pretty accurate. I feel as if I’m the exact opposite of who I was when I was a child. I wish I could be that happy kid again. I know it’s not going to happen, but when I remember being that happy-go-lucky child, I can smile. That is a gift in itself.

Possible Access Difficulties

Possible Access Difficulties

I’ve made some changes to my blog today, just a couple of improvements. I was warned after I made the changes that they possibly could make it difficult for people to access my site. These difficulties could last up to a couple of days. If anyone has any issues, please contact me at jlpallone@hotmail.com. I apologize in advance if there are any problems.

Wanting a Hypomanic Break

Wanting a Hypomanic Break

Sometimes, I wish I was hypomanic. I know that sounds bad, but I’ve been dealing with depression and suicidal ideations for so long, it would be nice to have a change. I don’t want to be in a complete manic episode with the negative effects such as uncontrollable spending or impulsive actions. I want hypomania, where I have enough energy so I can get everything done that needs to be done. In my hypomanic state, I’m energetic, I come up with a lot of ideas, I’m sociable (which normally scares me), and I feel happy. It would be nice to feel like that for a few days. I know it’s not healthy, but I’m so tired of depression that I would do just about anything to take a break from it.

I’ve been feeling like this and hoping for hypomania for several months now. I’m just curious if there are other people who feel the same way. I’m just wondering if I’m alone in this train of thought. I swing from one episode to another without much of a break to enjoy life. Is it so bad to desire a break from it all? My hypomania is pretty much a break because I’m able to enjoy most of it. Do others desire any specific episode?

Downward Spiral?

Downward Spiral?

I had a medication change about 5 days ago because I was feeling numb, flat, and empty. My psychiatrist said that he has seen this happen to people who reach a therapeutic level of Clozapine that are also taking Mirapex. We decided together to taper off the Mirapex. I will take my last dose of Mirapex on Wednesday, I’m currently taking half the dose.

I feel worse than I did a week ago. I’m hoping that this is just me adjusting to the medication change. I really hope that it’s not the beginning of another downward spiral. I took a nap this evening because I just couldn’t stand being awake anymore. When I woke up, I was hoping that at least a couple hours had passed, but instead, it had only been about 30 minutes. What a disappointment. It’s getting harder each day to fake being okay.

Medication Changes Me: Good or Bad?

Medication Changes Me: Good or Bad?

I have been taking psych meds since I was 14 years old. Ever since I started taking medication, I have always been on a lot of meds. I currently take eight different psych meds, plus other medication for my physical health. I’ve spent more than half my life on medications, and I’ll probably spend the rest of my life taking medications.

Sometimes the meds help and sometimes they make things worse. Medications always have side effects that need to be treated. It’s a pain in the butt. Meds can cause both physical and mental changes. They tend to change the way I act, which is helpful for bipolar treatment, but sometimes it goes too far. I feel like the medications change who I am to begin with. The mental changes that take place are hard to deal with. Right now, I don’t like to go out in public unless I have to and I don’t enjoy things I used to care about. This sounds like depression, but it’s been this way even through manic episodes. Maybe it’s part of the PTSD. I can never tell what’s what anymore.

Will I ever know who I really am? Am I just going to continue to change depending on my medications? How much change is good, and how much is too much? These are questions I ask myself all the time. I was a different person when I was younger; I was social. Now, I’m nothing like that. I know a lot of it is because of my bipolar disorder, but I wonder if some of it is because of the medication as well. Will I ever really know? I guess I just wonder what’s really me and what’s because of the medicine?

Lessons I’ve Learned: Courage Is Not The Absence Of Fear, But The Ability To Continue In Spite Of It

Lessons I’ve Learned: Courage Is Not The Absence Of Fear, But The Ability To Continue In Spite Of It

This is a saying I remember hearing over and over at my AA meetings. When I was getting sober, I was constantly told to pray for help to change. Change is not an easy thing, so I was told to pray for the courage to change. I am not a person that likes to pray, but when you’re desperate¬†enough, you’ll try anything. I’ve now been sober for 12 years. At this time, I’m still having difficulties, just in a different area of my life. But I still need to work on changing, and I still need the courage to do so. I don’t feel like I have any courage. I feel weak and helpless, but my friends and family tell me that I’m a courageous person. Either I don’t see what they see, or they’re just wrong about me having courage. I suppose I’ll be positive about this and just assume that I’m not seeing what these other people are seeing.

One thing I know I’m good at doing and I keep trying. No matter how many times something fails or problems arise, I don’t give up. I guess others see this as courageous; I see this as desperate. I want to give up all the time; I’m not sure why I don’t. Maybe it’s because of my family. My entire family is so supportive and caring. They put a lot of energy into dealing with me. I feel like it’s the right thing to do to keep trying, if not for myself, then for my family.

I have learned that it’s okay to have fear, but don’t let that fear stop you from doing anything. I am in control of my life. I make the choices. I can choose to look fear in the face and keep moving forward. I have learned to never give up on myself. If I can’t do things for myself, then it’s okay to find another reason. For me, it’s my family. I wonder what other people use as their reason to keep moving forward. Does anyone want to share?