Yesterday’s Disaster

Yesterday, I found out that we have bed bugs. There’s not a lot of them, so the guy thinks it will be easy to take care of; however, it was just another thing to add to the list of crap that has been happening to us lately. Taking care of this issue is not only extremely expensive, but it takes a lot of work, time, and energy. We have to wash and dry all of the bedding, pillows, drapes, shoes, and clothes (from under the bed, the dresser, and the bottom shelf of the closet). Then everything has to be sealed in plastic bags and put in the garage.

I started doing this yesterday, and then the dryer stopped working. That’s when I lost it. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. My thoughts were so negative with suicidal ideations that wouldn’t go away. My husband ended up coming home two hours early from work. That was a huge help. I finally stopped crying and was able to function. We took everything that had to be washed/dried to the laundromat. We ended up doing 12 loads of laundry all at once. He was so helpful and supportive. Without his assistance, I would have spent the rest of the day crying with horrible thoughts in my head.

We probably got at least half of everything done. I still have more work that has to be done, but I have until Wednesday to finish it all. Hopefully we don’t have any more crises happen in our lives for a little while. I know life will always happen, but I’m hoping for a break from other disasters.

Venting

Life keeps throwing things at me left and right, I can’t seem to catch a break. I’m overly exhausted; physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I don’t know what the reason is to keep going. If it’s not one thing wrong, it’s another. I just wish it would stop. I know I’m not going to do anything about it. I always tell my doctor about my suicidal ideations. I guess all I’m doing now is bitching about life. I know that no one’s life is simple, easy, and wonderful. And that’s not what I’m asking for. I just want a break. Well, I’m done venting for now. I have more stuff to get back to doing.

Invited Out – No Need To Be Home Alone

My mother-in-law invited me to go out with her to a meeting and then out to dinner afterwards. Normally, I find ways to say ‘no’ when I’m asked out by other people, but this time was different. I’m still getting over the loss of my dog, Cash, and my mother-in-law knew that I was struggling with the situation. She invited me out, saying that it’s better than being home alone, and she was right. I’m glad that I said ‘yes’ and the two of us went out together.

It’s been hard being home alone. I’m used to Cash always being there. I keep looking for him whenever I want to do something or go somewhere. I’m not ready for another dog, but I’m also not ready to be home alone by myself. I’m extremely grateful that my mother-in-law invited me out for the night.

Missing Cash

Today was another day of missing Cash. Every time I walked into my house, I expected to see him at the door, eagerly greeting me. When I’m cooking in the kitchen, I expect to see him anxiously waiting to clean up the mess that I left on the floor. Basically, I keep thinking that he will be there when I look over my shoulder. I know that this won’t really happen. I can’t wait for this instinct to stop.

I have received many nice phone calls, emails, and text messages from friends and family, all of which are giving me their condolences. It’s so nice that all of these people care enough to send me their kind thoughts and words. I’m doing my best to say busy. It will help me process and deal with everything that has happened.

Today Was Cash’s Last Day

Today was a very tough day. When I woke up this morning, I came out to the living room to see my dog struggling to breathe. Last night, we invited him to come sleep in the bedroom with us; however, at some point during the night, he decided to come out to the living room and lay down on the tile. My husband and I noticed around 7:30am, that he wasn’t eating or drinking, he couldn’t stand or walk, and his breathing was extremely labored. We could tell that he was in pain. I think he was trying to tell us that it was time for him to go, he was ready.

We had to carry him to the car, which was very difficult (he’s 88 pounds). They had a couple guys come out to help bring him inside. They told us to let them know when we were ready. We decided that we were ready right then. Cash was in so much pain, we didn’t want him to stay in that much pain. We didn’t want to be selfish, it wasn’t about us, this was about him.

Watching him go was extremely difficult. Cash’s eyes didn’t close, it was hard to watch. I cried, which I did many times today. We will pick up his ashes when they are ready. We decided to take Cash on one last hike (it was my husband’s idea). Cash loved to go hiking. He would wear his backpack and carry everything he/we needed.

We stayed busy today. We didn’t want to go home after he died. It’s going to be weird without him here. We eventually came home, and it’s so quiet here. It doesn’t seem right, but we will have to get used to it, at least for now.

ECT Today

I have my next ECT treatment in a couple of hours. I think they have been helping a little bit so far. Since I started the treatments, I am finally able to fall asleep quickly and stay asleep throughout the night. Prior to restarting ECT, I was not able to fall asleep easily, and when I did fall asleep, I woke up within a couple of hours. The progress with my sleep is huge! I wonder what will change next because of the ECT treatments. It would be nice if it could help my depression. I guess I just have to wait and see.

Feeling Sad In The Rain

It doesn’t rain much in Phoenix. When it does rain, it’s weird. For example, it can rain on one side of the street but not on the other side. I tend to feel a little more depressed than normal when it rains. I think that may be part of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Since it doesn’t snow in Phoenix, rain is the closest we get to winter storms.

From mid-June until the end of September, Phoenix has what it calls monsoon season. That’s when we get about half of our yearly rainfall. It still rains outside of those dates, just not as much. It has been raining/sprinkling a lot this past week. I don’t like to go out in the rain, neither does my dog. So I stay in, even more than normal, which just adds to the depression. To get Cash to go outside, I have to put a jacket and boots on him. He hates getting wet. I have to force myself to get up and get out of the house. It’s not easy, but I know it’s not healthy to stay in all day every day.

My First Time Back To ECT

Today was my first time back to ECT. It really helped to have my husband there because I was pretty nervous. Everything went really well. I remember the doctor putting in my IV and then they put me to sleep. The next thing I know, they are bringing me out in a wheelchair. I don’t remember waking up in recovery at all. I’m in a little bit of pain, but not too horrible. It’s just my jaw that hurts, no headache or anything.

My next session is on Wednesday. It should have been on Friday, but the doctor is not there that day. So I had to move around a couple of other appointments to make everything work. I think the next time will be easier for me since I now know all of the doctors and nurses.

Feeling The Depression, Mentally and Physically

Today my depression is extremely bad. Moving at all, even just to get up and go to the bathroom, is more than difficult. My body hurts, my mind is sad, and I don’t believe that anything can help me, at least not today. I’m still waiting for ECT to call me to schedule my first session back with them. Waiting is so hard. ECT feels like my last hope, and it’s hard to have hope and wait at the same time. Hopefully, today will go by a little quicker than it has been.

I’ve been so busy for the past six days taking care of and worrying about my dog. Now that he’s improving, I no longer have to worry so much. He doesn’t require my full attention all of the time, and that allows the depression to get worse. My husband asked what I’m depressed about and I tried to explain that there’s no reason, it’s just a part of the bipolar disorder that I have. He didn’t quite explain, but he tries and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

Getting Through Another Day

Today is feeling like just another day with depression. No matter what I’m doing, my thoughts are constantly wishing I wasn’t around. My mind keeps telling me a wide variety negative things. I try to find something that I enjoy doing to help me get through the day, I use my wellness toolbox. Today, I’m going to a Coyotes game. I love hockey and I love the Coyotes! We’re playing the LA Kings. Going to the games can be tough because they’re so crowded, but my husband helps me through it all. Only 4 hours until we leave to go to the game. I’m hoping I’ll feel even a little better once I’m watching the game.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Depressed