Getting Through Another Day

Today is feeling like just another day with depression. No matter what I’m doing, my thoughts are constantly wishing I wasn’t around. My mind keeps telling me a wide variety negative things. I try to find something that I enjoy doing to help me get through the day, I use my wellness toolbox. Today, I’m going to a Coyotes game. I love hockey and I love the Coyotes! We’re playing the LA Kings. Going to the games can be tough because they’re so crowded, but my husband helps me through it all. Only 4 hours until we leave to go to the game. I’m hoping I’ll feel even a little better once I’m watching the game.

Handling My Depression

I’m in the midst of another depression. Each day I just try to figure out how to make it through. I make a to-do list and try to get everything done on that list. Staying busy helps the days go by quicker, but actually doing anything is more than difficult. I can’t even find the right words to describe how hard it is to really do things. Yesterday was a decent day according to how active I was. I cleaned the whole house and did the laundry. It didn’t make me feel any better, but it did make the day go by faster.

However, today is not going as well. I’m having a hard time getting myself moving. I just don’t care that much about anything. But I am trying to put on a face; I don’t like showing the people around me how depressed I really am. So I put on a fake smile and talk like there is nothing wrong.

Depressed Isolation

I find myself isolating more and more. I feel the depression getting worse as each day goes by. I have no desire to talk to people, and when I do talk to people, it’s difficult. Writing is also difficult. I guess I just don’t have anything I think is worth sharing with others. That is not normal for me; that’s the depression. Usually, I’m a very talkative person, but now. Right now, I would prefer to stay home and do nothing, but that’s not always possible. I do the best I can when I’m out in public and when I’m talking to others, but it’s getting harder as each day passes.

Loved and Supported

My husband came home last night with a bouquet of flowers for me. He said he got them just because I wasn’t feeling well and he wanted to help me feel better. It definitely brought a huge smile to my face. My husband does this from time to time; when he thinks I need some cheering up or sometimes just because. I’m very lucky to have so much support. He’s always trying to look out for me.

In fact, my entire family supports me. This afternoon I received a card in the mail from my aunt. It was just to let me know that she supports me and loves me. It was the perfect card. It’s a good feeling knowing that my family supports me unconditionally. It helps with the depression.

Another Rough Day

Today is another rough, gloomy day. I keep beating myself up for many things. Some of these things I have no control over. For some reason, I’m being rough on myself because I’m bipolar. I know I have no control over that at all, but I’m still being hard on myself. I don’t really know why.

I’m thinking about asking my doctor to change meds, but I have a feeling that if I do I’ll slip into an even worse depression or possibly even a manic episode. I’m not going to make any changes for now, but I keep thinking about it.

My suicidal ideations are back. They weren’t really gone, but they were much less for the past couple weeks. I didn’t really realize that they lessened until they started up again with full force.

Amazing

I heard a song today that really hit home with me. I’ve heard it probably a hundred times over the years, but today I not only heard the song, I felt it. Listening to Amazing by Aerosmith, I felt my depression and suicidal ideations and I could feel myself working through all of it. I could remember and feel the times that I have hit rock bottom, the struggle to get back up, and the fight to stay alive.

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through
The pain

When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave, but couldn’t get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishin’ that I would die

It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light
It’s amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you’ll be alright
It’s amazing
And I’m sayin’ a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

That one last shot’s permanent vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life’s a journey, not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings

You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn’t listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeah
I was out on the street,
Just a tryin’ to survive
Scratchin’ to stay alive

It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light
It’s amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you’ll be alright
Oh, it’s amazing
And I’m sayin’ a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

Desperate hearts, desperate hearts

Songwriters: Richie Supa / Steven Tyler

A Rainy Day

Today is a rainy day. There aren’t too many rainy days in Phoenix, Arizona. Between July and September, we have what we call monsoon season. It rains fairly often, and when it rains, it pours, literally. It can rain on one side of the street here and not the other. It’s really weird, but I’ve seen it happen myself. It usually rains late in the afternoon when the temperature is at its peak.

Outside of monsoon season, rain is few and far between. I look out side right now and I see rain drops; it started out by sprinkling. I wonder if it will stay this way or if it will pour later. I feel a bit down, probably because of the weather. Even my dog seems sad right now. It’s a good thing that I don’t have to go anywhere today. I really don’t like going outside in the rain.

Am I Sleeping Too Much?

My husband says I’m sleeping too much, but I don’t think I am. He says that any time we sit on the couch to watch TV, I fall asleep. It’s true, I do fall asleep in about 20 minutes, but I’m not sleeping all day. It’s not like a few weeks ago when I was sleeping approximately 12 to 16 hours a day. In fact, all day while he is at work, I’m trying to run errands, clean the house, cook, and manage both of our lives. I wake up usually between 4am and 6am and stay awake. Maybe that’s why I fall asleep so easily while we watch TV. Or maybe it’s the depression, or the medication. No matter what the reason is, I feel as if I’m doing something wrong by falling asleep, and it’s nothing that I can control.

A Good Psych Appointment

My psychiatrist appointment yesterday went really well. First of all, I love the fact that he is always on time, he never runs late. The only medication change is an increase in Cytomel, my thyroid medication, because my thyroid level is off in my last blood work. Other than that, my suicidal ideations are about the same, my anxiety is worse, and my depression is improving slightly. He also said that my twitching that happens because of the Lithium should not be getting any worse and is not a permanent side effect. That’s not that bad. I go back to see him in three months, unless I decide to retry ECT, which is not something I want to do at this point.

Psychiatrist Appointment Later Today

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist later today. I’m all ready for it; I have my list of things I want to talk to him already in my purse so I don’t forget it. Now, all I have to do is get through the appointment. I always wonder what he thinks of me. Does he think I’m ridiculous because there’s nothing that can help me regularly? Probably not; he is the one that diagnosed me as bipolar 1, rapid cycling and treatment resistant. I probably think I’m ridiculous more than other people do. I think those type of things about myself more than other people do. Well, here’s to hoping the appointment goes well. I’ll let you know how it goes.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Depression