Struggling

Struggling

I have difficulty with a lot of things. I have an extremely hard time saying no to people. I struggle to stand up for myself. Even when someone asks me what I want to do, I have a hard time answering them. I would rather do something I don’t want to do and be unhappy (without saying I’m unhappy, of course) that tell someone what I really want. Life feels like a giant problem, as if it’s an obstacle I may never complete, but I’m not giving up.

My ex, from before I got sober, was very abusive. I suppose that it just became second nature to do whatever he wanted. I would never dare to say no to him; I knew what the punishment would be if I didn’t behave properly. Even though he’s gone, I still react that way. I want to stop putting others before myself, but I haven’t been able to. Reacting the way I do is a force of habit. It has nothing to do with the people I’m with today, such as my husband, family, or friends; it has everything to do with me.

Pushing Myself Further: Wearing Shorts In Front Of New People

Pushing Myself Further: Wearing Shorts In Front Of New People

I wore pajama shorts again today. Actually, my husband forgot his wallet when he went to work, so I brought it back to him. I drove to his workplace in my pajama short, with our dog, Achilles. While I was on my way, my husband called and said that one of his co-workers (who is also a friend) wanted to meet Achilles. I was nervous because I was wearing pajama shorts, but I know I could do it. I could feel my heart beat increasing, my skin was dripping with sweat, and my hands/arms/legs were beginning to shake with small tremors.

Wearing shorts in front of another person was making me nervous, but I knew I could do it. I had to do it. The only way out of it would be to turn around, drive home, change, and drive back to my husband’s workplace. I decided to stick it out, and to be honest, I don’t think my husband’s friend even noticed. He was completely focused on Achilles, not on me, which was wonderful.

I pushed myself beyond my point of comfort, and it worked out wonderfully. I can keep moving forward a little bit each day or week, and maybe I’ll be comfortably wearing shorts as regular clothing in a few months.

I’m thinking about posting an actual picture of my legs. Nothing inappropriate, just a picture of my legs, (the ones I struggle with and hide all the time). I think that it will help me get over some of my issues. What do you all think? Should I post a real picture of my legs?

Haircut

I hope everyone had a happy Memorial Day. I want to thank all of those who served in our military and their families. I have a lot of memories of Memorial Day parades and barbecues. I’m trying to be productive and useful today.

I’ve been talking about getting my hair cut for months now. I haven’t had it done in over a year. I don’t remember where I normally get my hair cut because of my hair loss. Because of that, I’m too nervous to go somewhere new and have someone I don’t know stand behind me with scissors, so my solution was to just ignore the need for a haircut. Today, my husband offered to take me where he goes and to go with me. I really needed a haircut. My hair was almost down to the skinniest part of my waist. Now, my hair is almost shoulder length. I cut a lot off. It’s so much easier to deal with and it’s so much cooler in this Arizona summer heat. I was afraid to get my hair cut, but I faced my fear and went through with it, with my husband by my side, and it wasn’t all that scary.

Walking Alone

Walking Alone

Last night, my husband wasn’t up for going on a walk like we normally do, he just wasn’t feeling well. However, I still had to go get the mail, and I decided to make a walk out of it. I simply walked in a circle; up a couple of streets, over one block, and back home. It only took me 15 minutes; however, my heart was racing the entire time. I was so afraid, I kept jumping every time I heard a noise. I knew I was walking in a safe neighborhood, but I couldn’t help my reactions. I don’t think I want to go on walks anymore without my husband. Although, the only way I’ll get comfortable walking on my own is with practice.

Hiding My Frustration

Hiding My Frustration

I’m getting frustrated pretty easily. I keep pushing my frustration down, but maybe that’s not the best thing to do. Yesterday, my car decided not to start. It ended up working out okay, but it pissed me off when it happened. It’s just another thing to add to the list of crap that I’m dealing with.

When I get frustrated, I generally get very quiet. I usually don’t talk, smile, or do anything; I’m just there. Every once in a while, I will vent to my mom or my husband. I think I should allow myself to express my frustration, otherwise I’m afraid it will erupt at some point.

I wasn’t always like this. I used to be able to express my frustration and anger, but now, even the idea of it scares me. I even get scared when I’m around others that are full-blown angry because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I have a fear of the unknown. I need to find a happy medium. I know it’s not healthy to be angry every day, but it’s also not healthy to pretend not to be angry.

Cash Is Feeling Sick

Cash Is Feeling Sick

I had to take my dog, Cash, to the emergency vet earlier today. Cash was having problems walking, his temperature was 2 degrees low, his gums were pale, his abdomen was enlarged, and he refused to eat dog food or treats (even when they were brought to him). I waited, for what felt like hours (but it was really only 45 minutes), and the vet came into the room to tell me about the results of the tests. It turns out that his blood work shows him as anemic, with some type of big infection (his WBC is twice what it should be), a tumor near his abdomen, and there is also some lose fluid in the abdomen.

I’m so worried about him. He’s 11 years old, I’m not sure if he can make it through this. I’m sleeping out in the living room with him this evening. I’m worried that this will be his last night tonight. Tomorrow, I will be bringing him and all of the tests/paperwork back to my regular vet. I feel more comfortable seeing how it goes with my regular vet (who knows Cash very well). I’m hoping for some better news, but I’m not counting on it. I’m going to stick by his side so he’s not alone. It’s bad enough that he’s in pain, I don’t want him to be alone either. The employees at vet that I went to, were extremely helpful, polite, and nice.

I Spoke At A Meeting Today

I Spoke At A Meeting Today

The noon meeting I went to today went very well. There were only about 10 people there. I didn’t know any of them, so it was a bit nerve-wracking, but it was much better than a meeting with 50 or 75 people. It was an open meeting, with the subject of ‘One day at a time’. Near the end of the meeting, I spoke up by choice. When sharing, I decided to open up about how I’m nervous coming to meetings because I get nervous around people. Afterwards, one of the guys from the meeting came up to me and thanked me for sharing about my nervousness. He said that he feels that way too, but people don’t usually talk about it. He thanked me for my honesty and openness.

This is definitely a huge step forward for me. I can’t wait to tell my therapist and psychiatrist about what I did today. It’s a big sign that the Clozapine and the ECT are absolutely working. I’m going to try to keep going to at least a few meetings a week. Hopefully, I will find smaller meetings to go to so I feel more comfortable. Maybe I’ll even make friends with some of these people.