I’m not exactly sure why, but for some reason I feel as if I’m just going through the motions. Nothing that I do seems to matter like it used to. I don’t care about things the way I did before. No matter what I’m doing, it seems that the only thing I look forward to is finishing whatever task or event is at hand. I wonder if there will be a time when positive things start to happen again in my life. Will I ever care about things like I used to?
Sometimes I feel like I take too much medication. I take Lithium, Tegretol, Clozapine, Cytomel, Mirapex, and Valium for my bipolar disorder and anxiety. I take Zofran, Cogentin, and Metformin because of side effects from my bipolar medication. I have to take hormone replacement therapy because of my hysterectomy. I also take Percocet and Elmiron for my bladder disorder. It’s a long list of medication.
One of the meds has to be taken on an empty stomach twice a day, but some of my other meds have to be taken with food. I take medication about 6 times a day, sometimes more, depending on when I eat. It feels like all I’m doing is taking medication. I hate the fact that so many of my medications are treating side effects of other meds, but I guess that’s how it goes.
I’ve been hoping that one day I won’t have to take medication, but realistically, I know that won’t happen. This is just something that I have to deal with. I think I wouldn’t care about it as much if the meds actually worked. My depression has improved, but my suicidal ideations are still there. In the end, I know that I’m a lot better off taking these meds than I am without them.
I generally hide certain emotions, especially anger, even though I know it’s not helping me. I used to get drink and get high when I couldn’t handle my anger. Over the years, I’ve taught myself to downplay my anger so it didn’t have as big of an effect on me as it used to. I thought this was working, but I now know that I was just avoiding problems instead of dealing with them. All problems need to be dealt with at some point.
I have so much going on in my life right now. I became so overwhelmed yesterday and I finally admitted that I was angry; I said it out loud. It felt really good to say it out loud and express my emotions; it actually lessened my anger. I should have done it a long time ago. I’m hoping that I learned something from this experience.
I started another medication yesterday for my bladder disorder. It seems that my medication list is going to keep getting bigger. I was told that I have to take this medication on an empty stomach and I take it twice a day. I already have a medication that I take with food twice a day. I think that the new medication is what pushed me over the edge yesterday. Nothing ever seems to be simple. Hopefully the new medication will work, but it will take time.
Right now, I am holding on with all I’ve got. The Clozapine has caused a huge weight gain. I’ve gained more than 30 pounds in 3 months. It doesn’t matter how much I workout or what I eat, I just keep gaining weight. I know I made a committment to keep trying Clozapine until I reach my goal dose of 400 mg. I still have another month of dosage increases until I get to my goal. When I say I’m going to do something, I mean it. I want to hold myself to my committment. However, it’s easier said than done.
I told my psychiatrist about the weight gain. He told me that there are some measures we can take. However, he is on vacation, so I have to wait until next week. So I know that there is something that could possibly help with my weight gain, but I have to wait another week. I understand that everyone is entitled to go on vacation, but waiting even another day is extremely hard, a week is close to impossible. But somehow, someway, I will do it.
The problem with going off of Clozapine, is that there aren’t many other options for me. I’ve already tried ECT for over a year. I don’t want to do IV Ketamine because the thought of dissociation is terrifying for me. I’ve taken so many medications, there aren’t many options left. I keep questioning my future since my treatment options are getting fewer and fewer. This is when I really rely on my friends and family. So far, I have been shown nothing but love and support. I can do this; I can get through this. That’s what I need to keep telling myself.
I struggle when it comes to saying no to just about anyone. If someone asks me to do something for them or help them with something, I almost always say yes, even if it’s overwhelming for me. I suppose that saying no is more anxiety provoking for me than whatever it is I’m asked to do. This is something I’ve been working on with my therapist. He keeps trying to get me to say no to something, even something small; however, I hadn’t followed through on this until yesterday.
A family member wrote a script and is filming it soon. He has all of the parts filled except for one, the part of a mother, and he asked me if I would play that role. This would be too much for me to do, even if the role wasn’t a mother. Trying to play a mother role would be way too hard for me to do since I cannot have children. I don’t need another reminder that I’m not a mom. I started to cry, so I turned the water on and did the dishes so my husband wouldn’t hear me. I guess I wasn’t up for talking about it at that time.
I told this person that I’m honored he would think of me for this; however, it would be too much for me to handle. I thanked him for thinking of me. I hope all goes well, but I will not be able to participate. I was as polite as possible, but I still feel like I’m letting him down by saying no to his request. He was a bit sad that I turned him down, but I’m sure he’ll be able to find someone to fill the part. At least I took care of myself and did what I needed to do for my comfort level. All I’m doing now is wondering if he is mad at me or not.
I’m actually looking forward to my next therapy appointment so I can tell him that I finally said no to something. I wonder if it’s something I can do again? Now that I said no to someone once, will it become easier to do in the future?
Life has been pretty busy the past couple weeks. Between many doctor appointments, family obligations, trying to stay on top of bills, completing the Total and Permanent Disability paperwork, and completing the patient drug assistance program, I feel like I’m on overload. There’s too much to do, I don’t feel like I have any time to myself. It was suggested to me that I take a day to myself, a day when I don’t run any errands, fix any problems, or go to any appointments. It sounds really nice, but now I’m just trying to figure out when that day will be. There’s always something to do, such as cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, or other errands. I really want to try it, a day off sounds just like what I could use.
I’ve just been staying very busy, but I haven’t been keeping to my normal routine. I think that’s what has been screwing me up. Routines have always been beneficial for me; not keeping to my normal routines has its consequences. I’ve been trying to schedule flight plans for me and my husband, but I get overwhelmed every time I do the research. Everything that I’ve been trying to do lately has been more difficult to complete, and I think it’s because I’m not keeping to my normal routine. I guess I need to get back to my routine, after I find a way to take a day to myself.
The past couple of days, I’ve been feeling like a total screw up. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong; I’m feeling shame. There are also some things that I’m avoiding because I know/feel as if I’m going to mess it all up. I don’t know where these feelings are coming from. I’m reading into everything that people say; somehow, I can find negative things about myself when others are talking. The “funny” part about it is that people don’t even have to be talking about me for me to find something negative about myself.
I think a lot of it comes from my weight gain. I look in the mirror, and I automatically feel sad and pathetic. All I see is the person I don’t want to be. I feel like I can’t talk to others properly, I can’t stay organized, I can’t workout well enough, I can’t cook right, I can’t get things done, I just can’t do anything right. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. This overwhelming feeling is taking control of my mind and body.
Even though I know that I don’t do everything wrong, I still feel as if I do. I don’t know why that is. For instance, I know I’m a good cook; so why do I feel like the dinners I’m making suck? I’m also a very organized person, but I feel like my house is unorganized and I don’t know how to fix it. I know the truth, but what I don’t know is why I still feel this way even though I know it’s false.
When it rains, it pours. I’m just so exhausted with life; however, the second I think I can finally relax, something else happens. I’m overwhelmed and about to burnout. The dishwasher broke over the weekend. At least I rent this house, so I don’t have to pay to have it fixed, so that makes it simply inconvenient instead of a huge problem. It’s not like when the microwave died. I never realized until then how much we rely on microwaves.
In the yesterday, I got a medical bill for my husband for $4100; it was for anesthesia for his back surgery last year. I mailed in an appeal for it today because we met his out-of-network deductible and out-of-pocket maximum with the surgery. Since we met everything, I don’t think we should be paying this bill. I called the company where the bill was from and let them know that I sent in an appeal. At least everyone on the phone was really nice about it.
A lot of medical bills have been coming in. I’ve paid some, made payment plans with others, and also appealed one. It’s just a bit overwhelming to have all of these bills coming in at once. Many of the bills are from October 2015. They took their sweet time sending us a bill; I feel like I should be able to take my sweet time paying the bill.
My dog cut his paw the other day when he was outside. The short story is that he tripped over a tree stump. I couldn’t even see where the blood was coming from, but I was able to stop it by holding a towel to his paw for a while. Then, I stuck his foot in a bowl of hydrogen peroxide. Every other way I tried to clean his paw was not working. The bowl of hydrogen peroxide worked great. I worry about him though. He always has skin infections; they improve and then get worse again. Now, I’m worrying about the cut as well, even though it’s not bothering him at all. I’m just a worrier.
Life just keeps coming, although I wish I could take a break from it all. I suppose that’s what will happen when I’m in Cape Cod in August.
Another one of the many lessons I’ve learned is that money doesn’t buy happiness. Having money may make life a bit easier. For example, if I had an unlimited amount of money, it would be no problem to pay all of the bills I received. I wouldn’t have anxiety attacks when receiving large bills. There wouldn’t be any stress when it came to figuring out how to pay every bill. Based on that information, money can make things less stressful, but that isn’t happiness. Money doesn’t last, but your emotional state is something that does last. I know that having more money wouldn’t make me happy.
Even though I don’t have that much money, it doesn’t mean I’m unhappy. It may mean that I’m stressed and overwhelmed. In fact, I don’t even think that money has anything to do with my current depression or any of my depressions. Depression is an internal feeling; it is something that goes on within me that I have no control over. For me, a part of happiness lies in the relationships I have with my family and friends and with my capabilities to do certain things. Personally, I would say that love and support from family and friends is a big aspect of happiness for many.
Talking about “happiness” is very difficult because of my depression. For those of us that sadly have to deal with depression, know that no one thing can fix it. Knowing that my family loves and supports me is nice, but it doesn’t change my emotional state. Most of the time, medication doesn’t even make a difference. However, when you find the right medication, it changes everything.
I just got back from working out with my husband, so my anxiety is already increased. I checked the mail and found some of my husband’s medical bills. I’ve been dealing with their billing department for months now because they messed up the bill by billing the wrong insurance company several months ago. Now, it’s all figured out. I did verify that the bills are correct at this point. However, I’m not happy because it’s a huge bill. On Monday, I’m going to have to call the billing department and set up a payment schedule. It’s all extremely stressful and nervewracking. I think I might go take a Valium to help me get through the day.
I like to stay on top of my bills, but I couldn’t do that with this because the billing department screwed up to begin with. At least this huge bill will mean that my husband has met his deductible, so as long as we stay in network, which we will, there will be no more bills. I’m hoping the billing department will accept a payment plan. Otherwise, we can’t pay it. I’m sure they will, most people don’t have the capabilities to pay such large bills all at once.
Right now, I just have to work on reducing my anxiety. The gym and the bills have made my anxiety pretty high. I wish I could lower it myself, but I still have to run some errands, which makes me nervous. I don’t take my Valium often. A one month’s supply generally lasts me about three months. I suppose it’s time to get ready to go run errands. Hopefully, it will work out without an anxiety attack.
My Side of the Pole 