Improvements

My day actually got better as it went on, which is rare. I ended up doing some cleaning because I just couldn’t stand the dog hair anymore. Then I received a call from my mother-in-law asking if I wanted to come over and play some cards. I was just about to say no, when I ended up saying yes. I told her that I was struggling with some depression, but getting out of the house was probably a good idea. I wasn’t able to smile or laugh while I was over there, but I was able to get through the day without wishing I was dead the entire time. Sometimes, it’s important to push through, and that’s what I did by getting out of the house. I pushed through the pain and it actually helped.

When I got home, there were flowers on the counter. My husband went out and got me my favorite flowers, tiger lilies, and left them there for me to see when I got home. He can be so sweet and thoughtful. I made sure to tell him how much it meant that he did that for me. For a day that started out really horrible, it is actually ending all right. I pushed through the pain, and today it paid off.

Inside My Depression

I’m in it, inside the depression; it has taken my energy, my thoughts, and my will. I’m not myself, but I can’t even remember who I normally am. I can’t seem to get things done. It has been weeks since I’ve cleaned my house. Normally I clean the whole house once a week. I keep putting it on my to-do list, but I never seem to be able to get it done. Anything and everything is close to impossible. Every moment is a fight against myself, and it feels as if I’m losing.

I’ve done this many times before. It’s not my first depression, or my second, or third, and so on. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 14 years old. It’s been 17 years that I’ve been trying to manage my diagnosis. I just wish that I could find the peace and keep it just a little bit longer instead of going from one episode to another. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been depressed or manic. The most important part is that I get through it every time. No matter how deep the episode is, no matter how hopeless the depression gets, I’ve gotten through it before and I’ll get through it again.

I wish I could get through this quicker. I know this sounds weird, but a part of me wishes I was manic. Then I would at least have energy and be productive. I’m not thinking about the negative aspects of mania, I’m just thinking that I don’t want to feel the depression I’m in. Right now, I’m sleeping way to much (I keep falling asleep on the couch), I feel worthless, I feel empty, I’m overeating, I have a decreased interest in almost everything, and just about everything is irritating. I’m lucky that I haven’t started crying yet, hopefully it will stay that way; I hate it when I cry. When I say I want to be manic, it’s just because I don’t want to deal with this depression. I want what I currently don’t have. It would be best if I could just be even, not depressed or manic, but I don’t know if that’s reasonable.

I will get through today; I always do. I have a great support system. Everyone I know offers their help. My husband just asked me if he could do anything. I thanked him for offering, but there’s nothing he could do. I wish there was something that other people could do, but I can’t think of anything. Simply knowing that people close to me truly care is helpful. Just knowing that they are there to support me makes me feel a little better; right now, every little bit counts.

It’s All Too Much

I’ve completed a few things so far today that needed to get done. I went and got my weekly blood work, this week it included a Clozapine level. I also emailed my psychiatrist to let him know how I’m doing. I let him know that I think my weakness and exhaustion is from ECT, not from Clozapine. For every step I take, it feels like I’m taking a thousand steps. Every single task I work on, even when I don’t complete them, requires a major effort. And it seems to be never-ending. Once I finish one task, there are three new ones to finish. It keeps increasing. Can’t people tell I’m not up for this right now? I know that I normally fake being okay, but I’m not even trying to fake anything right now. To fake being okay requires energy, and that is not something that I have at this time. All I can do is be myself; tired, confused, and distraught.

My husband has decided to look for a new car. Actually, my mother-in-law wants to get my husband a new car and give his current car to his brother. His immediate family is pretty much computer illiterate. His brother once told me it was amazing how I was going back and forth between two windows. So any time they want to do something, they always ask me. “Why don’t you ask Jodi? She could easily do that for you.” My only problem with that is I struggle to say no to anyone. I especially struggle to say no when I’m asked in front of a group of people. This time, it felt as if it was assumed that I would do whatever I was told to do or whatever was “asked” of me. It’s hard enough to get something done when you have one person telling you what they want, but when the decision is between two different people who aren’t in the same room, it becomes a major challenge. It is not something I want to get myself in the middle of.

Maybe I would feel a little better if I could get a few more things done that need to be done for me. Tasks such as cleaning the house would help me feel good. I even break that task down into smaller tasks so I feel productive as I’m cleaning. I already cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms a couple of days ago. All that’s left is to dust, vacuum, and mop. I wish I could get rid of my depression. It’s making life so difficult; every little task is a massive job. I just don’t want to do it anymore.

Feeling Tired and Useless

I still feel messed up today; as if something isn’t right. I’m dealing with physical pain and being emotional distraught. Normally, when I wake up, words flow from my fingertips. Today, when I woke up, I felt empty. I have felt empty since I woke up from my last ECT treatment; it happens after every treatment, but this one is lasting much longer. This past ECT was the hardest that I’ve ever done. My husband told me that I say that every time. I told him that every time it gets harder. I have been doing this for more than a year. I can’t keep this up. I can’t continue. I’ve said that so many times; however, I think I’m serious about it this time. The memory loss, emptiness, confusion, and the chaos are too much for me anymore. I’m tired and I don’t think I can keep doing this to myself.

I don’t have much to do today, but I’m still wondering if I can get it done. The only thing I must do is get my blood work done at 2pm today. Hopefully I don’t run into that rude phlebotomist. I also want to clean the house today. It has been on my to-do list for a while now, but I can’t seem to get it done. It’s the ECT that’s holding me back from getting things done. I’m so tired; I feel useless. I hope that will change today.

Out Of It and Perplexed

Yesterday was a rough day, but the interesting part is that I don’t remember most of it. I don’t even remember going to bed. It has to be from the ECT. I feel still pretty messed up today, and that’s not how it normally happens. Apparently, I need another day to rest after this past ECT treatment. That’s very abnormal; usually I’m back my normal self the next day, but not this time. I’m trying to continue on with my day, getting things done, but I’ve having a more difficult time than normal. I’ve crossed a couple of things off of my list, but I don’t know if I can keep going. I was going to change my weekly blood work to Thursdays instead of Fridays, but I’ll do that next week. I can’t handle having another thing to do today. I’m even struggling in my writing today. My brain just is not all there. I’m perplexed, confused, baffled, and puzzled today. Hopefully, I’ll get part of my brain back as my day goes on.

After ECT

ECT went well today. I’ve done it more than 30 times; it’s become normal for me. When I woke up from anesthesia, I felt fine, no pain. By the time I got home, the pain set it, so I had to take a Percocet. I have a pounding headache and my jaw hurts terribly. I’m just waiting for the pain meds to kick in. I wish I could go to sleep, but for some reason, I can’t, I’m just not tired. If I could sleep, it would probably make me feel even a little bit better.

My memory is back to being crappy. I can’t remember where my husband is, although I know I knew his plans before the ECT treatment today. I looked in my calendar and saw that I recently went to visit my family in Connecticut, but I don’t remember any of it. I can’t remember my wedding, that one really bothers me. I went through my wedding album; it brought back some of the memories. That was helpful, but still not enough. I’ll probably watch my wedding video later today. I hate the memory loss. Every time it finally starts to improve, it’s time for another treatment that causes memory loss again. It’s a vicious cycle.

I don’t want to continue (I think I’ve mentioned that many times), but I just do what I’m told to do. One of these days, I’m going to stop being so compliant. I know that my being compliant regarding my psychiatric treatment is extremely helpful, but it’s also exhausting. I’m afraid that one day I’m just going to do what I want to do instead of what I’m told to do. Following my bipolar treatments is overwhelming. I’m going to rest today, or I’m going to clean the house and go play cards with my family. I know I should rest, but I doubt that will happen.

Another ECT

I have another ECT treatment today. I do them every 4 weeks; I can’t believe it’s already been that long. I hate going and doing this. It is helpful, but I guess I’m just tired of it. Maybe I would feel okay about it if doing ECTs made me able to reduce the amount of medicine I took, but it doesn’t. The people there are very nice and know me well since I’ve been doing this for more than a year. The procedure doesn’t take long, but I do feel somewhat crappy the rest of the day; mostly headaches, body aches, and memory loss.

I’m too scared to stop. What happens if I stop and it turns out that it was the one thing that was holding me together, in a way. I don’t want to go, but I always go because I’m afraid not to go and because it’s the right thing to do at this point for my treatment. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t so compliant. Time for me to go now.

Real Neat Blog Award

I would like to thank DecodingBipolar for nominating me for the Real Neat Blog Award. I’m honored that you thought to nominate me. I love reading your blog every day; it’s so easily relatable. Please check out her blog, if you have not done so already.

The questions to answer including my answers:

1. Where do most visits to your blog come from?
Most of the people who view my blog are from the United States. I also receive a good number of views from the United Kingdom and Canada.

2. What is your favorite sport?
I love hockey. My husband brought me to one game, and I’ve been hooked ever since.

3. What has been a special moment for you so far in 2016?
I got to spend this past Mother’s Day with my mom and grandma. It was a simple and wonderful day. Any time I get to be with my family is special to me. Also, I spent the evening with my 8 month old granddaughter last night, and I got to make her laugh and smile. Normally, she laughs at my husband, but this time she laughed at me!

4. What is your favorite quote?
“Better to have, and not need, than to need, and not have.” – Franz Kafka
To me, this quote by Kafka reminds me to stay prepared, and it has been helpful many times in my life.

5. What was your favorite class when still at school?
I loved any math and science classes. I like things that make sense and can be proven. I love having a right and wrong answer to any question.

6. Anything you had wished to have learned earlier?
I wish I had learned to accept myself for who I am earlier. I’m harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I’m still learning how to give myself a break. It’s a task that’s much easier said than done. It would have been nice to start learning to do this sooner.

7. What musical instrument have you tried to play?
I have played many instruments over the years, but the one that has stuck with me is the piano. I started it when I was about 6 years old. Over the years I have also played the clarinet, bass clarinet, oboe, and the alto saxophone. Playing the piano is my favorite, and my next favorite is the saxophone.

I nominate the following:
Story of my Life
Closer to the Middle
Wallflower or Butterfly
Bipolar Strength: Rebel with a Cause
Tony Vega dot Net

The rules are:
1. Put the award logo on your blog.
2. Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
3. Thank the person who nominated you, linking to their blog.
4. Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs.
5. Let them know you nominated them (by commenting on their blog etc.)

Time With My Granddaughter

Last night, my step daughter invited me and my husband over for dinner. We were both really excited because it meant that we would get to spend time with our granddaughter, who is almost 8 months old. Sometimes, I have a difficult time getting into ‘play time mode’ with her. My emotions take over and I often can’t help but feel sad because I can’t have children of my own. Of course, it is sad that I cannot have children, but it was a choice I made because I felt (and still feel) that it was the right thing to do. However, I do not want my emotions to get in the way of my relationship with my granddaughter or either of my grown step-kids.

Well, last night was different. It took me a little while to get into the swing of things, but after about 30 minutes, I was able to play with her. I could act goofy, play peek-a-boo, and play tickle monster with her. It felt amazing. She started to laugh for and at me. Simply seeing the joy on her face and watching her smile made my heart fill with delight. The fact that I could make her laugh and smile was breathtaking and I can’t wait to see her again. Plus, I continue to get closer with my step-daughter and her boyfriend. Watching the two of them become responsible adults is so wonderful; I can’t even imagine how great it must feel for my husband to watch them grow into mature and reliable adults.

After my husband and I got home, I started shopping online for clothes and toys to give to our granddaughter. I enjoy the shopping. In fact, I’ve tried to explain to my husband that the shopping is more for me than for her. Now, I just have to wait until I see my granddaughter again in one or two weeks. However, I will get to see my step-son in the next couple days, which is also exciting. I love my family and they do bring me so much joy. They can bring me temporary joy, but the depression is still there. At least they give me a break from it.

Clozapine Side Effects

Today marks 6 weeks that I have been on Clozapine. My psychiatrist has been increasing the dose slowly. I have only been at my current dose of 200 mg a night for 2 weeks. This is the dose that my psychiatrist wants me on until we get the results of my Clozapine level from this upcoming blood work. Things were going just fine, until the past several days. There’s always some sort of problem with me and medications, it can never simply work.

One thing I noticed is that I’m starting to slur my words and sometimes I just have a hard time saying certain words, usually words that have several ‘s’ sounds strung together in a row. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it’s very frustrating. I feel like a little kid again with the speech impediment I had until I reached 3rd grade. I first noticed it happening about 3 or 4 days after increasing my dose to 200 mg. My initial thought was that it could be due to the Valium or Percocet. I paid close attention making sure that the slurred speech was still occurring even when I had not taken any Valium or Percocet.

Over the past few days, I noticed another side effect, drooling. It only happens when I’m sleeping, but it gets so bad that my pillow is soaked. Sorry, I know it’s gross, but it’s been happening for about 4 days now. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and then I have nowhere to lay my head down when I try to go back to sleep. I did some research, and it turns out that drooling is a regular side effect of Clozapine. The slurred speech is also a known side effect, but it’s not very common. I wish I could fix the fact that I tend to get so many side effects from medications. I wonder if it’s because of my Ashkenazi genes.

I told my psychiatrist about these side effects. He said that we can discuss options regarding the drooling the next time I see him, which is on Wednesday. That sounds promising, at least there are options. However, he said that if the slurred speech continues or increases, then I would most likely have to reduce or get off the Clozapine. I’m not happy with that option. There’s nothing I can do about it now. If I do end up having to get off the Clozapine, then I’m sure there is a very good reason for it. Now, I just wait and see…

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Month: May 2016