No More ECT

Tomorrow would have been my next ECT treatment. Instead, I talked to my doctor a week or two ago and canceled the appointment. I’ve been wanting to stop these treatments for a while, and I finally did. Now, I’m nervous. I’ve been doing this for 15 months. Even though it’s hard on my mind and my body, it has become normal. All of the “what if’s” are going through my mind. What if ECT actually was helping? What if I slip into a huge manic episode? What if my depression gets worse? What if I have to re-start it, will I be willing to do that?

If I have to re-start ECT, then I don’t get to pick up where I left off. I would have to re-start by going three times a week for a month. Then once a week for four weeks, then every other week for eight sessions, and then finally back to once a month. I can’t do that again. I think I would rather try the IV Ketamine, and that terrifies me. Treatment resistant bipolar depression sucks. I wish I could take a vacation from it. Sometimes I feel like giving up. I know I’m not going to, but I want to. I wish I could be the person that didn’t always do the right thing.

I’m Exhausted but Can’t Sleep

I can’t seem to fall asleep tonight. I have no clue why. My routine is the same, nothing has changed, except for the fact that I’m not asleep. I feel my eyes getting heavy, but when I close them, my mind starts to wander. It goes faster and faster; no one can be expected to fall asleep under those circumstances. So I decided to come out to the couch. Maybe I will get tired there. I turned the TV up a little to try to cover up the background noise in my mind.

As the minutes go on, I feel like I’m getting closer to falling asleep. I’m going to go lay down and try to go to sleep again.

Doing Things For Ourselves

Today is going a bit better. I feel okay so far. I’ve been able to get some things done. Now, I’m about to get ready to go to the gym with my husband. I’m anxious, but at least I go. It’s better than not going. I’ve decided to go to Cape Cod, so I should probably try to lose a bit of weight. Now, I have a reason, a goal to lose weight for. Of course, I would want to look as good as possible in a bathing suit. It’s not for anyone else, it’s just for myself. I’ve learned over the years that the things we do are for ourselves, not for others. Doing the best we can is to please ourselves. I’m so proud of my niece, she’s 13 years old, she has learned that at such a young age when it took me so long to figure it out. She is a figure skater, and competes. She says that she competes against herself, not against the other people there. It’s such a great attitude and way to look at things.

There are many things on want to work on for myself besides my weight. I want to become more comfortable in public places. It would be nice if I could go to the gym on my own without my husband. Right now, it’s too anxiety provoking for me to go on my own. I still have anxiety when I’m there with my husband, but it has been getting better each time. Maybe, one day I could go on my own. Maybe I could go with him but not need him to be with me every second. Those are my goals for myself for now.

Feeling Lost, Feeling Nothing

I’m feeling lost today. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad. I’m just drifting right now. I feel like nothing, if that’s possible. I don’t know why and I don’t know what to do. I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do with myself today. I’ve even been having a difficult time writing my to-do list. There’s a few things I know I need to get done, but I can’t concentrate long enough to do much of anything.

Nothing feels right. I can’t laugh. I’m unable to react to certain things. What is wrong with me? I know this is all a part of the depression, but it’s strange when it feels like nothing. I don’t know what to do with myself. I wonder if there is something I should be doing, something that could make all of this go away.

But how do you make nothing disappear? I guess you don’t make it disappear. Instead, you cover it up. I will call my grandma later and ask her some questions regarding our project. Maybe doing that will fill in some of my emotions.

Clozapine Prescriptions

My psychiatrist mailed me two months worth of prescriptions. These scripts, for Clozapine, will get me from my 200mg dose up to my target 400mg dose. Each script is for one week worth of medications (because I still have to do the weekly blood work). He sent me everything that I would need to get through the next two months. The scripts are pre-dated, so I can’t fill them until Wednesday of each week.

I will be starting the increase soon, either Wednesday or Thursday of this week. I’m a little concerned about the possible side effects, but I mostly think it will all work out.I’m increasing my dose slowly to hopefully avoid side effects. I guess only time will tell.

I can still contact my psychiatrist any time I need, but hopefully everything with the dosage increase will go smoothly and I won’t have to. My next appointment with him is on August 25th. Until then, I can contact him via email or text if necessary. He will still get my weekly blood work results. If he sees a problem with my blood tests, then he will contact me.

Lessons I’ve Learned: Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness

Another one of the many lessons I’ve learned is that money doesn’t buy happiness. Having money may make life a bit easier. For example, if I had an unlimited amount of money, it would be no problem to pay all of the bills I received. I wouldn’t have anxiety attacks when receiving large bills. There wouldn’t be any stress when it came to figuring out how to pay every bill. Based on that information, money can make things less stressful, but that isn’t happiness. Money doesn’t last, but your emotional state is something that does last. I know that having more money wouldn’t make me happy.

Even though I don’t have that much money, it doesn’t mean I’m unhappy. It may mean that I’m stressed and overwhelmed. In fact, I don’t even think that money has anything to do with my current depression or any of my depressions. Depression is an internal feeling; it is something that goes on within me that I have no control over. For me, a part of happiness lies in the relationships I have with my family and friends and with my capabilities to do certain things. Personally, I would say that love and support from family and friends is a big aspect of happiness for many.

Talking about “happiness” is very difficult because of my depression. For those of us that sadly have to deal with depression, know that no one thing can fix it. Knowing that my family loves and supports me is nice, but it doesn’t change my emotional state. Most of the time, medication doesn’t even make a difference. However, when you find the right medication, it changes everything.

Time With My Grandma – Writing Her Story

I’ve been doing all my holiday and other gift shopping a little bit at a time. I should be all done in about a month or two. While I was organizing my gift ideas, I realized that I didn’t have any ideas for my grandma for her birthday, and that’s not right. So I started thinking and come up with an idea of creating a picture book of her through the years. She’s 90 years old; she will be 91 on July 25th of this year. I just want her to know how much she means to me. I told my mom about my idea and it turns out I already did something very similar when she turned 85 years old.

My mom had a better idea, but it’s a lot of work. I’m going to write a book about my grandma, “The Life and Times of Sylvia”. I will come up with some questions and my grandma will answer them. I will get to work on this project with my grandma. This allows me to spend more time with her and get to know her a little better. It will also give us something to talk about, making conversations easier. I told her about it yesterday and she loved the idea. I told her that it will take some time. Maybe she can answer one of my questions every time we talk.

Some of the questions I came up with were how she met my grandfather? What type of work did she do at MIT? What was it like living through the depression? What was Hebrew school like? I have many more questions and I can’t wait to get to know her better. This will be a lot of work, and at times it could be very difficult, but it will be worth it in the long run. I’m always worrying about losing my grandma. I think this is a great way to spend our time together. I don’t want to have any regrets in the end; that’s what this project is helping me with. Hopefully it will all work out.

Anxiety and Bills

I just got back from working out with my husband, so my anxiety is already increased. I checked the mail and found some of my husband’s medical bills. I’ve been dealing with their billing department for months now because they messed up the bill by billing the wrong insurance company several months ago. Now, it’s all figured out. I did verify that the bills are correct at this point. However, I’m not happy because it’s a huge bill. On Monday, I’m going to have to call the billing department and set up a payment schedule. It’s all extremely stressful and nervewracking. I think I might go take a Valium to help me get through the day.

I like to stay on top of my bills, but I couldn’t do that with this because the billing department screwed up to begin with. At least this huge bill will mean that my husband has met his deductible, so as long as we stay in network, which we will, there will be no more bills. I’m hoping the billing department will accept a payment plan. Otherwise, we can’t pay it. I’m sure they will, most people don’t have the capabilities to pay such large bills all at once.

Right now, I just have to work on reducing my anxiety. The gym and the bills have made my anxiety pretty high. I wish I could lower it myself, but I still have to run some errands, which makes me nervous. I don’t take my Valium often. A one month’s supply generally lasts me about three months. I suppose it’s time to get ready to go run errands. Hopefully, it will work out without an anxiety attack.

Will I Go To Cape Cod?

For weeks now, I have been trying to decide whether or not I will be going to Cape Cod this summer. My family has been going since before I was born. For the past many years, I go for one week. Timing wise, I overlap with my sister, her husband, and their kids for one day. Then the rest of the time is just me and my mom. It’s great that I get to see my sister and her family. It’s fantastic that I get time just me and my mom. It’s my favorite vacation.

My mom and I get along so well, we’re more like best friends. We usually have the same ideas for what we want to do. We go and lay on the beach for a bit (just a one or two minute walk from the cottage), play some games, take naps, go to see a play, etc. We have the same taste in activities. When I go back home to Connecticut, I get to spend time with my mom, but it’s not the same. This is the only time we get to be alone together.

I’ve been questioning if I was going to go or not because of my bladder disorder. My interstitial cystitis is getting worse and I’m having to get treatments every week at this point. Plus, I would have to figure out where to get my weekly blood work done and where to get my prescription filled. It could be difficult, but am I really going to let these things get in the way of my vacation? I don’t think so. I think it’s time to start looking at plane tickets.

Anxiety At The Gym

My husband and I just finished working out at the gym. Thank goodness it wasn’t very busy, but my anxiety was still pretty high. My anxiety tends to sky-rocket every time I see someone, walk by someone, or see someone looking my way. So basically, that means my anxiety is high the entire time I’m there. My husband stays by me the whole time to help me feel a little more secure, but it doesn’t completely remove my anxiety. I can’t imagine how anxious I would be without having my husband there by my side. In fact, I don’t think I would even be able to go if I wasn’t with him.

Even when the gym is slow, like it was today, there are still more people to keep track of than possible. Knowing everything that’s going on around me is one of the things that helps reduce my anxiety. I start to panic when I can’t see everything that’s happening and everyone that’s around me. My husband is there to help keep me safe and as a second pair of eyes, but no one can see everything that’s happening in a gym at one time. I become very nervous, scared, and paranoid in public places. I wish I could get rid of all of this anxiety. It’s exhausting. I have Valium that helps, but I don’t want to take one every time we go to the gym. I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it, although that doesn’t sound like something I want to do or can do. I’m sure it will get better over time; I just have to be patient.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Month: June 2016