Today Was Cash’s Last Day

Today was a very tough day. When I woke up this morning, I came out to the living room to see my dog struggling to breathe. Last night, we invited him to come sleep in the bedroom with us; however, at some point during the night, he decided to come out to the living room and lay down on the tile. My husband and I noticed around 7:30am, that he wasn’t eating or drinking, he couldn’t stand or walk, and his breathing was extremely labored. We could tell that he was in pain. I think he was trying to tell us that it was time for him to go, he was ready.

We had to carry him to the car, which was very difficult (he’s 88 pounds). They had a couple guys come out to help bring him inside. They told us to let them know when we were ready. We decided that we were ready right then. Cash was in so much pain, we didn’t want him to stay in that much pain. We didn’t want to be selfish, it wasn’t about us, this was about him.

Watching him go was extremely difficult. Cash’s eyes didn’t close, it was hard to watch. I cried, which I did many times today. We will pick up his ashes when they are ready. We decided to take Cash on one last hike (it was my husband’s idea). Cash loved to go hiking. He would wear his backpack and carry everything he/we needed.

We stayed busy today. We didn’t want to go home after he died. It’s going to be weird without him here. We eventually came home, and it’s so quiet here. It doesn’t seem right, but we will have to get used to it, at least for now.

I Love Our New Neighborhood

Last night, my husband and I took Cash for a walk around our new neighborhood (he was feeling pretty good, he even ate his dinner!). We were moving things when we decided that we should check our mailbox, although that meant finding it first. So we walked around slowly for about 10 or 15 minutes. It was only 9pm, and the entire neighborhood was silent and the sky was clear so we could see the sky. We both love our new neighborhood! No more loud noises, gunshots, and other inappropriate things happening day or night. This is the perfect neighborhood for us.

I’m Thinking About Joining A Martial Arts Class

I’m thinking about joining a martial arts class once I’m finished moving. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while. It will help me get in shape, feel more secure, gain some self confidence, and let out some of the aggression that I keep all bottled up. I used to do martial arts, and I loved it. The only reason that I stopped was because I was having knee and hip troubles. My husband worries that that problem could occur again, but I think it’s worth the risk. If the issue does arise, I can always stop the classes.

I Rely On My Dog, Or At Least I Used To Be Able To

I never knew how much I rely on my dog until he got sick. My husband always tells me that the dog helps me out and is a necessity for me. I know, just as my husband says, that Cash helps me realize when noises are real. For example, he will normally get up, bark, and run to the door when he hears someone coming. However, this past week that he has been sick, he doesn’t even pick up his head. I was doing dishes today, and I had to stop three times, cautiously run to the window/door to see if anyone was coming, and carefully return to the dishes. Cash has been my protector and my guardian for the past 11 years. I always figured that no one would mess with me if I had an 88 pound pit mix standing in front of me, and it was true. No I’m looking out for myself and for my dog. He took care of me for his whole life; now it’s my turn to take care of him (I’ll just have to worry about myself later).

Making The Right Decision Is Beyond Difficult

cash-recovered Today was a rough day. I had to watch my dog be ill. It seemed like he was giving up on life, but I didn’t want to have him put to sleep too early, and it was a good call that I waited it out. Later in the day, he finally stood up, walked a little bit, went to the bathroom, and he even ate a treat (none of which he would do earlier in the day). He rebounded physically; he still has some life left in him. However, he appears to be going downhill again. My husband got him to actually eat dinner, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to rebound again. I think the fact that he won’t eat regularly, won’t walk, and won’t wag his tail is his way of telling me that he’s ready. I just don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. It’s such a hard decision to make; I just want to do what’s right for my dog. I’m sleeping out on the couch tonight so I can be close to him in case he needs me.

Massively Overwhelmed

I’m massively overwhelmed. I keep going from feeling nothing at all to feeling everything and crying. I have too much going on right now. I just closed on buying a house yesterday. I’m officially a homeowner, for the first time ever. I’m also dealing with my dog being sick and dying. There are many, many small things going on that I have to deal with in every aspect of life. I don’t know how to handle everything. Luckily, I have three weeks to move, so I can take my time and do it right. I’m going to take everything in life, one step at a time.

Cash Is Sick

I found out yesterday that my dog, Cash, has multiple cancerous masses in his spleen. There are a few options, but none of them are good. Chemo is an option, but it’s not one that we want to do. It causes too many side effects and we don’t know how effective it would be. We could also remove his spleen. However, that is extremely dangerous; he may not make it through the surgery and even if he does, it would only give him about 6 more months. Plus, the cancer could spread because it’s in his blood, so the surgery may not be that effective. We’ve decided to play it day by day. We just want him to be comfortable and happy.

Cash Is Feeling Sick

I had to take my dog, Cash, to the emergency vet earlier today. Cash was having problems walking, his temperature was 2 degrees low, his gums were pale, his abdomen was enlarged, and he refused to eat dog food or treats (even when they were brought to him). I waited, for what felt like hours (but it was really only 45 minutes), and the vet came into the room to tell me about the results of the tests. It turns out that his blood work shows him as anemic, with some type of big infection (his WBC is twice what it should be), a tumor near his abdomen, and there is also some lose fluid in the abdomen.

I’m so worried about him. He’s 11 years old, I’m not sure if he can make it through this. I’m sleeping out in the living room with him this evening. I’m worried that this will be his last night tonight. Tomorrow, I will be bringing him and all of the tests/paperwork back to my regular vet. I feel more comfortable seeing how it goes with my regular vet (who knows Cash very well). I’m hoping for some better news, but I’m not counting on it. I’m going to stick by his side so he’s not alone. It’s bad enough that he’s in pain, I don’t want him to be alone either. The employees at vet that I went to, were extremely helpful, polite, and nice.

Roses

Last night, my husband came home with a dozen roses. He said that he could tell that I was struggling lately and he wanted to help cheer me up. I’m very lucky to have a man like him that pays attention to how I’m feeling and wants to help me out. Every time I look at the roses, it makes me feel a little bit better.

I’m worried about my dog lately. This morning he didn’t want to eat. And for the past few nights, he’s been coming into our bedroom, which he never does. He doesn’t even come when he’s called. He’s just acting weird, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because we’re moving and things are changing. Hopefully things will get better for him.

Moving and So Much To Do

My days seem to be going by extremely slowly. It feels like each day is dragging on and on. I wish I could make things go by quicker. Buying a house is complex. I need to make a list of everything that I’m going to need once I’m in my new home. I have to be as accurate as possible. I also just have to sign my tax documents and return them to the company that completed them.

I’m ready to start moving. I have a few people who have offered to help us, mainly my stepdaughter’s boyfriend. I’m already planning a housewarming party. Nothing big; just something small to celebrate this huge accomplishment.

I’ve been thinking about going back to work. Only for me to work from home. I could do something, like be a typist. I type anywhere from 60 to 80 words per minute (sometimes even more) with at least 96% accuracy. I wonder if I could do it. Could working be something good for me? Could I handle it? I have lots to think about. I’m going to keep it as just a thought for now. Maybe later it can actually become more than a thought.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Author: My Side of the Pole