Life is too overwhelming and difficult. We moved into our new house this past April. However, I still drive to our old neighborhood to go shopping. For example, I drive to our old cross-streets for grocery shopping. There are many grocery stores that are closer, but I’m comfortable shopping at my old store. I prefer to drive and feel safe, than shop somewhere closer to home and be anxious and afraid.
I also continue to go to a salon that’s in my old neighborhood. I only go there to get my eyebrows waxed. It may be farther away, but I feel secure and happy when I go there. I looked around my new community and found a lot of places that I could go to get my eyebrows waxed. I even found two that are just on the corner, but still I choose to go somewhere familiar and pleasurable.
I have another day filled with errands and stuff to do around the house. It does make the day go faster. I’m going to keep working out. I think I might even bring my Zumba DVDs to Cape Cod with me. I am losing weight, slowly but surely. I know how easy it is to fall back into bad eating habits. I have to remind myself that I can do this. I will reach my goal eventually. I think that if I keep a positive attitude towards weight loss, I will keep losing weight.
Another day of ECT. I know it helps, but I really dislike the memory loss side effect. However, I would rather have some memory loss than be completely miserable, irritable, depressed, and suicidal. I am grateful that ECT helps and I hope that it continues to improve my mental health status as time goes on.
I was talking to my husband the other day about how I’ve been going to AA meetings all by myself (of course, not without taking a Valium). We discussed that I have talked to some people, spoke in some of the meetings, and I even stood up to get my sobriety chip (I had 13 years sober on April 29th). It turns out that I really missed meetings.
I have been pushing myself to do a little more each week. My husband and I even take walks each night for about 30 minutes. It’s so beautiful out with the stars shining down on us. The neighborhood is almost completely silent. During the last couple of walks, only 2 cars passed by us each night. It reminds me of where I grew up. I think the reason that I’m able and willing to push myself further is because I know that I have a safe place to come home to. I feel secure and comfortable in our new home. When living at our last house, I always felt on edge. Just leaving the house and going to the garage was a difficult task. I no longer have to worry about things like that; my anxiety while at home is less. Let’s hope it stays that way.
The past two or three weeks have been extremely busy, emotional, difficult, and anxiety provoking. Due to my new busy schedule, writing my blog every day got pushed out of my daily duties. Once I stopped writing a couple of days in a row, it because a pattern. I stopped writing it on my to do list, and I even stopped thinking about it. Luckily, a follower of mine commented on one of my last posts, reminding me how important it is to keep writing. Blogging is not only beneficial for myself, but it apparently also helps others.
I went for a hike this afternoon with my husband and mother-in-law. We hiked a place called Thunderbird Mountain, which is where we used to take Cash for walks. Cash would always wear his backpack (he was a big dog, 88 pounds). He would carry his water and ours. Every time he saw another person or another dog, it seemed as if he was showing off his backpack, like he was proud to be wearing it. My husband and I spread his ashes over a lot of different places all the way up the hiking trail. This way, he can continue to enjoy hiking. It was extremely emotional; saying goodbye to Cash again, for the final time, was hard. I held onto his ashes all day. Letting go of him was difficult, but it was actually a little easier than I expected because of the way we decided to say goodbye.
Over the past week, I have been getting a rash that seems to keep growing every day. It’s extremely itchy and annoying. My doctor doesn’t know what it is, but it’s not contagious. They do know that it’s not chicken pox, mumps, measles, or shingles. We’re trying to figure out what the cause could be. The rash didn’t start until a week after we moved into our new house. Oh well, I just have to put up with it and try not to scratch until it goes away.
I’m thinking about joining a martial arts class once I’m finished moving. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while. It will help me get in shape, feel more secure, gain some self confidence, and let out some of the aggression that I keep all bottled up. I used to do martial arts, and I loved it. The only reason that I stopped was because I was having knee and hip troubles. My husband worries that that problem could occur again, but I think it’s worth the risk. If the issue does arise, I can always stop the classes.
I continue packing, just a couple of boxes at a time. I want to get more done, but I still don’t have an exact moving date yet. I should be finding out the moving date any day now. I’m looking forward to leaving this house and finally being responsible for my own property.
I’m trying to sell my Bowflex Xtreme 2SE home gym and my kettlebells. I don’t have a third bedroom where I can set up a workout room. It’s a good idea to sell my equipment, however, it’s also terrifying to possibly have a stranger come over my house, even when my husband is home. I’m afraid of strangers, so having them in my house probably isn’t a good idea. Maybe I can find a company I can sell them to or a charity to give them to. I’ll let you know how it all ends up turning out. I’m sure it will work out okay.
I’ve been having some problems with motivation lately. It has been a struggle to get my normal household activities done. Whether it’s cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking, or grocery shopping; I seem to have a difficult time doing any of it. I’ve been writing everything on my to do list. Having everything written down really helps me be productive. I even ordered a new journal, called a bullet journal, that will help me be even more organized. I can’t wait until it gets here!
Not only do I struggle with completing daily tasks, I also struggle with reaching out to friends and family. I even put making a phone call to someone in particular on my to do list. If I don’t write it down, then I won’t remember to do it, no matter how much I really want to talk to that person. I tend to isolate when I’m feeling down. In fact, I tend to isolate all the time, no matter how I’m feeling. When I’m by myself, no one can tell me that I’m wrong.
I still have a lot to do while I wait for my new journal to arrive. Today has been a very productive day. I’ve done everything that is written on my list (I don’t like it when I’m not able to cross everything off). I try to motivate myself by creating to do lists. It is helpful, but only to the extent that I allow. I often leave multiple things off of my to do lists because I don’t think I’ll be able to complete them and I don’t want to have something on my list that is not crossed off. I’m hoping that this new journal will help me be a little more productive. I’ll let you know how it goes when I receive it.
I’m in the midst of another depression. Each day I just try to figure out how to make it through. I make a to-do list and try to get everything done on that list. Staying busy helps the days go by quicker, but actually doing anything is more than difficult. I can’t even find the right words to describe how hard it is to really do things. Yesterday was a decent day according to how active I was. I cleaned the whole house and did the laundry. It didn’t make me feel any better, but it did make the day go by faster.
However, today is not going as well. I’m having a hard time getting myself moving. I just don’t care that much about anything. But I am trying to put on a face; I don’t like showing the people around me how depressed I really am. So I put on a fake smile and talk like there is nothing wrong.
There are a few activities that I do that help to keep my brain occupied. I use adult coloring books and a wide variety of puzzles including Sudoku and word searches. However, my favorite puzzles are jigsaw puzzles. I find that my racing thoughts slow down a little bit while working on jigsaw puzzles. My negative thoughts don’t disappear, but they seem more manageable. I don’t have to deal with my overwhelming negative thoughts every second. I let myself get lost in the puzzle. It doesn’t work every time, but it does help most of the times. I can even do jigsaw puzzles on my laptop or my phone. It’s probably the best solution I’ve found in a very long time.
With the holidays just around the corner, there are a lot of family gatherings and obligations I have to uphold. They family stuff starts today. We’re going to a church to see a musical theater Christmas production with my father-in-law. I may not be a big fan of holidays and churches, but I definitely love the theater. My father-in-law and his girlfriend have invited us to this event for several years and this is the first time we are able to go. I expect to have a lot of anxiety leading up to this event, but once I’m there and in my seat I will feel much better.
We have several gatherings to attend over the next 8 or 9 days. Some I’m more excited about that others. I wish that some of the people we saw on Christmas or Christmas Eve were my side of the family, but I know that’s not possible. I did just spend a week back in Connecticut with my family, but I always miss every single person when the holidays come around.