Today is my husband’s anniversary; he is now 12 years sober! We are going to a meeting together, along with his mom and brother, and then we will all go out to eat. I originally had a therapy appointment at noon, but I decided to change it so I could celebrate with everyone. Instead of a noon appointment, my therapist will call me at the end of the day. We’ve had phone appointments a few times, when they were necessary. It’s great that my therapist is willing to do them. It’s more like I changed the appointment to a phone appointment later in the day instead of having it at noon in his office. It’s important to me to be with my mother-in-law as she celebrates my husband’s sobriety. We may not be able to do this all together again.
The past couple days have been pretty difficult. I’ve been pushing myself to do things that I normally wouldn’t do. I’m doing these things because I know that they would help my husband and mother-in-law. I know I don’t have to do these things. It’s my choice. I’m choosing to do them because I think it’s a way for me to love and support my husband and mother-in-law.
Saturday night, my husband asked me if I wanted to go play darts. I got ready and took a Valium. My husband really just needed to get out of the house. We had a good time. We met his best friend there and got to meet his new girlfriend, who we both like. The hardest part was walking into the bar and through crowds. I was okay once we got to the dart boards. There were a lot of people there. My husband was very helpful. He made sure to always hold my hand when we were moving around and he stood behind me when there were other people standing behind me.
This morning, I decided to go to church. It’s a Christian church. Again, I took a Valium because I knew this would be more than difficult. I knew it would make my mother-in-law very happy, and it did. About half of it was singing. My husband told me a few times that I could sing along (almost everyone did), but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sing along with words that I don’t believe in. Honestly, I have no clue what I believe in. I know that there is a power greater than myself; I’m obviously not all-powerful. However, that’s really all I know and believe at this point.
Going to church today really made my mother-in-law happy. It put a huge smile on her face. She even thanked me for coming and acknowledged how difficult it must have been for me to do so. I’ve been trying to figure out why I decided to go to church. I’m not sure if this is a reason or not, but I chose to go because no one ever asked me to going. Everyone knows I have a hard time with church and God. I wasn’t pushed into doing something I didn’t want to do. I was accepted for who I am, and that’s why I went. I’m not sure if I will go again or not. Right now, I’m completely overwhelmed with life. I wish there was a way to simply pause everything.
I went to a new salon today to get my eyebrows waxed. I did some research and found out that their slowest time of the day is between 2pm and 3pm, so that’s when I went. The store is in a retirement community, so the people there will not make me as nervous as other younger individuals. I still had to take a Valium in order to go, but I did really good while I was there. The woman who I worked with was really nice and easy to understand. I plan on going back there from now on whenever I need anything done by a salon.
There is also a grocery store right next door to this salon. It’s a Bashas’ grocery store, and I know those stores because that’s where we went grocery shopping when I was in an alcohol/drug treatment center. I think I could possible be comfortable going to this grocery store. Plus, it’s a lot closer to our house than where’s I’m currently going. Maybe I’ll have my husband come with me the first time, just to make me feel a little safer.
I’m proud of myself for finally trying to go somewhere new. Anything new is extremely difficult for me, but I’m glad I’m not giving up.
Life is too overwhelming and difficult. We moved into our new house this past April. However, I still drive to our old neighborhood to go shopping. For example, I drive to our old cross-streets for grocery shopping. There are many grocery stores that are closer, but I’m comfortable shopping at my old store. I prefer to drive and feel safe, than shop somewhere closer to home and be anxious and afraid.
I also continue to go to a salon that’s in my old neighborhood. I only go there to get my eyebrows waxed. It may be farther away, but I feel secure and happy when I go there. I looked around my new community and found a lot of places that I could go to get my eyebrows waxed. I even found two that are just on the corner, but still I choose to go somewhere familiar and pleasurable.
I have another day filled with errands and stuff to do around the house. It does make the day go faster. I’m going to keep working out. I think I might even bring my Zumba DVDs to Cape Cod with me. I am losing weight, slowly but surely. I know how easy it is to fall back into bad eating habits. I have to remind myself that I can do this. I will reach my goal eventually. I think that if I keep a positive attitude towards weight loss, I will keep losing weight.
Another day of ECT. I know it helps, but I really dislike the memory loss side effect. However, I would rather have some memory loss than be completely miserable, irritable, depressed, and suicidal. I am grateful that ECT helps and I hope that it continues to improve my mental health status as time goes on.
I was talking to my husband the other day about how I’ve been going to AA meetings all by myself (of course, not without taking a Valium). We discussed that I have talked to some people, spoke in some of the meetings, and I even stood up to get my sobriety chip (I had 13 years sober on April 29th). It turns out that I really missed meetings.
I have been pushing myself to do a little more each week. My husband and I even take walks each night for about 30 minutes. It’s so beautiful out with the stars shining down on us. The neighborhood is almost completely silent. During the last couple of walks, only 2 cars passed by us each night. It reminds me of where I grew up. I think the reason that I’m able and willing to push myself further is because I know that I have a safe place to come home to. I feel secure and comfortable in our new home. When living at our last house, I always felt on edge. Just leaving the house and going to the garage was a difficult task. I no longer have to worry about things like that; my anxiety while at home is less. Let’s hope it stays that way.
The past two or three weeks have been extremely busy, emotional, difficult, and anxiety provoking. Due to my new busy schedule, writing my blog every day got pushed out of my daily duties. Once I stopped writing a couple of days in a row, it because a pattern. I stopped writing it on my to do list, and I even stopped thinking about it. Luckily, a follower of mine commented on one of my last posts, reminding me how important it is to keep writing. Blogging is not only beneficial for myself, but it apparently also helps others.
I went for a hike this afternoon with my husband and mother-in-law. We hiked a place called Thunderbird Mountain, which is where we used to take Cash for walks. Cash would always wear his backpack (he was a big dog, 88 pounds). He would carry his water and ours. Every time he saw another person or another dog, it seemed as if he was showing off his backpack, like he was proud to be wearing it. My husband and I spread his ashes over a lot of different places all the way up the hiking trail. This way, he can continue to enjoy hiking. It was extremely emotional; saying goodbye to Cash again, for the final time, was hard. I held onto his ashes all day. Letting go of him was difficult, but it was actually a little easier than I expected because of the way we decided to say goodbye.
Over the past week, I have been getting a rash that seems to keep growing every day. It’s extremely itchy and annoying. My doctor doesn’t know what it is, but it’s not contagious. They do know that it’s not chicken pox, mumps, measles, or shingles. We’re trying to figure out what the cause could be. The rash didn’t start until a week after we moved into our new house. Oh well, I just have to put up with it and try not to scratch until it goes away.