The International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF) posted my third article. It discusses the difficulties of waiting for meds to kick in. Please check it out.
You can find my post on the IBPF website here.
IBPF: Waiting On Meds To Work
Category: Anxiety and Panic
Another Day
I was in a big car accident over the weekend, but I can’t talk or write about it until my lawyer settles everything. I won’t be writing as much because it is very difficult right now.
I’m going to get a rental car so I can get around for a little while. I’m nervous to drive, but it will be okay. Today, we get to go see my father-in-law. He’s an amazing guy. I’m looking forward to seeing him. Today is just another day, hopefully.
Psychosis
Psychosis is the mental state where a person’s thoughts and/or emotions are so impaired that they lose track with reality. The first time I was told that I was in a state of psychosis, I was offended. This was over 15 years ago. I just didn’t understand at that time what a psychotic state really meant. I have been in a state of psychosis for a while now. It’s all because of my hallucinations. I have auditory hallucinations fairly frequently. I hear things that aren’t really there. Usually, the things I hear are doors opening and closing, a person’s footsteps, knocking, whispering, or gunshots.
I know that most of the things I hear really aren’t there. If the dog doesn’t react to what I think I hear, then I can be pretty sure it’s not real. If it was real, the dog would bark in response. Hallucinations are a lot to handle. The sad thing is that after dealing with them for a while, you get used to it in a way. I still freak out every time I think I hear something, but I calm down much quicker.
My hallucinations are generally related to experiences from my past. Most of them are from the time period when I got my first apartment a couple of towns away from where I grew up. I lived there with an abusive boyfriend for over a year. This is when I was using a lot of drugs. I got myself into a lot of problems, and now I continue to pay for it. With all of the memory loss that I’ve had, I don’t know why I can’t forget these memories.
Holding On For Dear Life
Right now, I am holding on with all I’ve got. The Clozapine has caused a huge weight gain. I’ve gained more than 30 pounds in 3 months. It doesn’t matter how much I workout or what I eat, I just keep gaining weight. I know I made a committment to keep trying Clozapine until I reach my goal dose of 400 mg. I still have another month of dosage increases until I get to my goal. When I say I’m going to do something, I mean it. I want to hold myself to my committment. However, it’s easier said than done.
I told my psychiatrist about the weight gain. He told me that there are some measures we can take. However, he is on vacation, so I have to wait until next week. So I know that there is something that could possibly help with my weight gain, but I have to wait another week. I understand that everyone is entitled to go on vacation, but waiting even another day is extremely hard, a week is close to impossible. But somehow, someway, I will do it.
The problem with going off of Clozapine, is that there aren’t many other options for me. I’ve already tried ECT for over a year. I don’t want to do IV Ketamine because the thought of dissociation is terrifying for me. I’ve taken so many medications, there aren’t many options left. I keep questioning my future since my treatment options are getting fewer and fewer. This is when I really rely on my friends and family. So far, I have been shown nothing but love and support. I can do this; I can get through this. That’s what I need to keep telling myself.
Happy 4th of July
Happy 4th of July to everyone. This is a holiday where people like to get together with friends and family. People throw parties, grill, watch fireworks, and enjoy the company of others. However, that is difficult for me. I don’t do well at parties with lots of other people. When my husband asks me what I want to do today, I don’t always know what to say. I would rather stay home tonight and make sure the dog doesn’t freak out with the fireworks that will be going off. I’m using my dog as an excuse so I can stay home where I’m comfortable.
Sometimes I feel like I’m dragging people down because I don’t want to go out to family/friend parties, even though people tell me that it’s not a problem. I do push myself to do things that I’m uncomfortable with often. However, a 4th of July party is not something I can push myself to do. Maybe next year.
The past few days have been rough and I don’t know why. Nothing has changed that I can think of. I’m extremely tired and been having a big problem getting started each day for the past several days. Life is just overwhelming at this time, but I know it will pass eventually. I just have to hold on until these difficult times pass.
Fireworks Fear
The 4th of July is coming, and that means fireworks. I’m not a fan of fireworks because of the noises they make. In my neighborhood, people started setting off fireworks last night. They will do so every night and they will do more and more each night. They even set them off during the day. I’m not trying to be un-American; I’m just saying that fireworks scare me. Loud noises that come out from nowhere and happen over and over again terrify me. It’s a PTSD trigger.
My dog normally barks at fireworks and never stops barking, but last year I got him a ‘ThunderShirt’. The shirt is like a giant hug and is meant to help keep dogs calm. It works like magic. My dog may bark once, but then he goes and lays down. At least I don’t have to deal with my dog barking nonstop all night long from the fireworks.
The fireworks started last night. One really loud one went off, and I thought it was a gunshot. It’s not uncommon to hear gunshots in my neighborhood at night. My dog barked once and then went to bed. I wouldn’t mind the fireworks if they only happened one night, on the 4th of July. But instead, it’s at least 4 or 5 days of fireworks and loud noises.
I do my best to manage my fears. It scares me a little less since I already know that the fireworks are coming. I can prepare myself for them. Some nights, like on July 4th, I will take a Valium, which will allow me to actually enjoy the fireworks and celebration. Do other people have this same fear and problem?
Slightly Better For Now
I’m feeling slightly better today. I’m still upset about being labeled totally and permanently disabled, even though it’s what I needed to have happen. At least I’m not crying today like I was last night. Plus, it’s just a label; it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be disabled forever, even though it feels like that sometimes. It just sucks because I’m already doing everything I can do and the result is not very good. Oh well, at least I’m trying. I am proud of myself for doing all that I can do, whether it helps or not. If I wasn’t working at being healthy, then I wouldn’t be able to take pride in that aspect of my life.
I talked to my husband this morning about how I’m feeling. He kept trying to make me feel better; it was sweet and thoughtful. At least he cares enough to try. I have to give him credit for that.
I did sleep last night, but I didn’t fall asleep until 5am. I slept for 5 hours, which isn’t too bad. It’s better than not sleeping at all. I find it odd to be depressed but not sleeping very much. Usually, when I’m depressed, I sleep all the time. So does that mean I’m in a mixed state? Or can I have symptoms of both depression and mania, and still be in a depression? I’m not sure how it works. Anyway, hopefully things will continue to improve, even if it’s only one tiny bit at a time.
Keep Calm and Carry On
Today was a good workout at the gym with my husband. I’m doing the best I can to be okay during my workouts. I may feel like I’m freaking out, but I’m trying to remain calm. I don’t want to feed into my fears. I’m working on using the mirrors in the gym to my advantage. I’m using them to help me see things that are going on around and behind me. We are generally able to go to the gym when it’s slow, which is usually when most people are at work. That is a huge help to my anxiety.
I’m finally feeling better after being awake for two days. Yesterday, I was still feeling kind of messed up. It’s weird what happens to your body when you’re awake for 42 hours straight. Hopefully I won’t have any more problems sleeping. I think that the whole issue was caused by anxiety; probably from my dose increase and from stopping ECT. At least I’m feeling well enough to do my regular routine.
I’m trying to be grateful for what I do have and think positive about everything. This is easier said than done, but all that matters is that I keep trying. Just keep calm and carry on (as much as possible).
Lessons I’ve Learned: Courage Is Not The Absence Of Fear, But The Ability To Continue In Spite Of It
This is a saying I remember hearing over and over at my AA meetings. When I was getting sober, I was constantly told to pray for help to change. Change is not an easy thing, so I was told to pray for the courage to change. I am not a person that likes to pray, but when you’re desperate enough, you’ll try anything. I’ve now been sober for 12 years. At this time, I’m still having difficulties, just in a different area of my life. But I still need to work on changing, and I still need the courage to do so. I don’t feel like I have any courage. I feel weak and helpless, but my friends and family tell me that I’m a courageous person. Either I don’t see what they see, or they’re just wrong about me having courage. I suppose I’ll be positive about this and just assume that I’m not seeing what these other people are seeing.
One thing I know I’m good at doing and I keep trying. No matter how many times something fails or problems arise, I don’t give up. I guess others see this as courageous; I see this as desperate. I want to give up all the time; I’m not sure why I don’t. Maybe it’s because of my family. My entire family is so supportive and caring. They put a lot of energy into dealing with me. I feel like it’s the right thing to do to keep trying, if not for myself, then for my family.
I have learned that it’s okay to have fear, but don’t let that fear stop you from doing anything. I am in control of my life. I make the choices. I can choose to look fear in the face and keep moving forward. I have learned to never give up on myself. If I can’t do things for myself, then it’s okay to find another reason. For me, it’s my family. I wonder what other people use as their reason to keep moving forward. Does anyone want to share?
Trying To Work Through Abuse
I was having a conversation with someone I know and get along with yesterday. He was saying that he tends to get overwhelmed with all sorts of situations in life and often explodes. He says it takes him a couple of hours to cool down. I told him that I have those same feelings, but I hold them all in, which is difficult to manage. I don’t allow myself to properly express my emotions. This guy asked me why I hold everything in; he said it’s not healthy to do that (neither is the way he manages his emotions, but there’s a middle ground somewhere). I knew right away why I hold in my emotions and why my anxiety and fears are so extreme. It’s because of my ex-boyfriend, Jared, but I didn’t want to get into it then, so I just shrugged off the question.
However, the inquiry has been with me all night. Jared was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. I was hooked in our relationship. He had me believing that everything that went wrong was my fault and I needed to be punished for the problems I caused. Over time, I stopped expressing myself. I don’t like standing up for myself anymore. It’s just a natural reaction for me now. I automatically stuff my emotions down; however, one day they will all come out, and it won’t be pretty. I already liked to drink by the time I met this guy, but being a black out drunk became normal for me because I didn’t want to remember anything. There are some situations that I remember, even though I wish I could forget them. I’m sad to say that Jared is one of the reasons I act the way I do. He has nothing to do with my bipolar disorder, but everything to do with my PTSD, which was diagnosed in 2009.
I’m getting better with time. There was a couple of year period where I couldn’t be touched by anybody, not even a handshake or hug. That is no longer an issue. I have come a long way. It’s still difficult being in crowds, having people around me that I can’t see (such as standing in a line or shopping), talking to or being around strangers, and not knowing what is happening. I like to have control over situations; it makes me feel a little safer. This may sound weird, but I tend to blame myself for what happened with Jared. If I’m to blame, then I can do something about it. If it’s entirely his fault, then I have no control over the situation. One thing that helps is that he’s dead. He was killed several years ago during a drug deal. At first, that made it even harder for me to deal with because I had no closure, but now I’m okay with it for the most part.
I doubt I’ll ever get past all of this, but I have grown from it. As long as I continue to grow, then that’s okay.
My Side of the Pole 