Category: Challenges

Never Give Up

Never Give Up

I keep trying, over and over again. If it doesn’t work out the first time, I try again. Sometimes it may take me a while, but it’s important not to give up. This can extend to anything in life. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Right now, I’m just trying to get my medications right. In the past 6 months, I went on Clozapine slowly, I went off of Mirapex and then back on Mirapex, I went off of Deplin, and I also stopped doing ECT treatments. I’ve done almost everything my psychiatrist suggested. The only thing I haven’t tried is IV Ketamine; I’m leaving that as an absolute last resort. My emotional state goes up and down, but it hasn’t been healthy or steady for a very long time, probably about 7 or 8 years.

No matter how bad it gets, I never give up. I may not be happy to do certain treatments, but I try. I give each treatment enough time to work before deciding if it’s right for me or not. This time, I’m going to give the Mirapex another couple of weeks before deciding if I need to try something else, which would be IV Ketamine. The most important thing is that I don’t give up before the miracle happens.

Isolation

Isolation

Many people who have bipolar disorder or other mental health disorders tend to struggle with isolation. My husband and family think that I struggle with isolation. Technically, they may be right, but I would rather be by myself than with others. Being social, whether with friends or family, is almost always a challenge. I’m always afraid to say the wrong thing, and I’m fearful of people or things I don’t know. I’m afraid of a lot of things.

I prefer isolation because it’s easier for me to handle. I have fewer panic/anxiety attacks when I stay home. I don’t get bored; I tend to keep myself company. I find things to do during the day to keep myself busy. Many people get bored and struggle when they have to stay home by themselves. I know that my family is just trying to help me by getting me out of the house. Just because some people struggle to stay home alone, doesn’t mean I struggle as well. It’s healthy and important get out sometimes, but I also know my own boundaries. For me, sometimes it’s better for me to stay home. I guess I just have to find a happy medium, some sort of balance between isolation and socialization.

Positive Thinking Leads To Success

Positive Thinking Leads To Success

Lately, I find myself talking out loud. I’m talking to myself, saying things such as, “You can do this. You’re giving it all you got. Just keep trying, it will work out.” I suppose that recently, I’ve been needing to convince myself that I can successfully do various things. Whether it’s going to the new support group last week, going to the very crowded state fair, or doing the juicing fast, I find that telling myself I can do these things has been extremely helpful to my success. I supposed it’s a form of positive thinking. Even when I don’t really believe in myself, saying positive things over and over is a way to convince myself of good things.

There’s no harm in trying. Lately, I’ve been trying a lot of new and different things. Some of these things have been terrifying and anxiety provoking, and others have just simply been difficult. Even if I don’t complete all of these tasks that I’m starting, at least I’m trying. I’ll never be able to complete any new accomplishments without first trying.

Update: Another Day Down

Update: Another Day Down

I’ve made it another day with the juicing. I even found one juice recipe that I can drink without wanting to choke afterwards. It’s made mostly of pineapple, apple, and spinach. It helps that I get to eat fruits and vegetables. I got to snack on green grapes today, which was extremely satisfying. Luckily, I’m not hungry very often. The juice is very filling; the large amount of water I drink every day also helps keep me full.

I have talk therapy tomorrow, which is something I need. I just need to be able to talk to someone who understands and doesn’t freak out or become overly concerned when I explain certain aspects of my depression. I know my depression is slowly getting better, but that doesn’t mean I feel good. At this point, it means I’m no longer taking naps during the day, I’m sleeping at night, and I’m willing to leave the house to run errands. I believe I will keep improving, slowly but surely.

I Made It Through The First Day

I Made It Through The First Day

I made it through my first day of juicing. I have to admit, it’s not fun. The juices do not taste good. I tried a few different juices. I think the hardest part about drinking the juice is the smell. Now I’m on day 2 of the juicing fast. I’m excited to see how all of this will turn out.

My mind was so focused on the juicing yesterday, that I wasn’t thinking much about how depressed I am. The thoughts of loneliness, depression, hopelessness, and suicidal ideations were not on my mind nearly as much as they usually are. It was nice to have some relief from all of those horrible thoughts. I hope that this type of thinking continues as the juicing continues.

Juicing

Juicing

So my husband and I started juicing today. We’ve been planning this for a while now. We both want to get healthy and lose weight. My first ‘juice’ today consisted of green apples, oranges, and spinach. It wasn’t horrible, but it definitely wasn’t good. I had to chug it to get it down. I’m also supposed to drink a lot of water, somewhere around 6 or 8 bottles of water a day. The water will help keep me full.

I went shopping yesterday to get all of the ingredients needed for juicing. I got spinach, romaine lettuce, oranges, apples, pineapple, cantaloupe, honeydew, lemons, carrots, bananas, strawberries, kale, and grapes. I don’t normally eat fruits and vegetables, and when I do eat them, it’s in very small amounts. I think this will be very good for my physical health. I also hope the weight loss will help with the depression.

Telling Myself To Be Positive

Telling Myself To Be Positive

Vacation continues to go well. My sister, her husband, and their kids left. It was great to see all of them, we had a wonderful visit. That leaves just me and my mom! That’s my favorite part. We can do anything or nothing together and we always get along, everything with the two of us is always simple. We got my weekly blood work done this morning and informed the pharmacy that they should be receiving my blood work results soon. My mom helped me get the courage to go in and talk to the pharmacist, and it all worked out perfectly.

During lunch, one of the things we talked about was how I struggle to say ‘no’ to anyone. She pointed out that I said no to a couple of things such as no more ECT treatments and no to IV Ketamine treatments. It’s so difficult for me to say no; I can’t do it without an anxiety attack. My mom suggested that instead of saying I can’t say no, say “I haven’t been able to say no very often” or “I have not yet perfected the art of saying no”. My mom always has a great perspective and input.

I know that when I say things in a negative manner, it makes that part of life harder. If I work at saying things in a positive way, it helps me actually be positive. I’m going to work at saying these things along with other positive thinking.

When It Rains, It Pours

When It Rains, It Pours

When it rains, it pours. I’m just so exhausted with life; however, the second I think I can finally relax, something else happens. I’m overwhelmed and about to burnout. The dishwasher broke over the weekend. At least I rent this house, so I don’t have to pay to have it fixed, so that makes it simply inconvenient instead of a huge problem. It’s not like when the microwave died. I never realized until then how much we rely on microwaves.

In the yesterday, I got a medical bill for my husband for $4100; it was for anesthesia for his back surgery last year. I mailed in an appeal for it today because we met his out-of-network deductible and out-of-pocket maximum with the surgery. Since we met everything, I don’t think we should be paying this bill. I called the company where the bill was from and let them know that I sent in an appeal. At least everyone on the phone was really nice about it.

A lot of medical bills have been coming in. I’ve paid some, made payment plans with others, and also appealed one. It’s just a bit overwhelming to have all of these bills coming in at once. Many of the bills are from October 2015. They took their sweet time sending us a bill; I feel like I should be able to take my sweet time paying the bill.

My dog cut his paw the other day when he was outside. The short story is that he tripped over a tree stump. I couldn’t even see where the blood was coming from, but I was able to stop it by holding a towel to his paw for a while. Then, I stuck his foot in a bowl of hydrogen peroxide. Every other way I tried to clean his paw was not working. The bowl of hydrogen peroxide worked great. I worry about him though. He always has skin infections; they improve and then get worse again. Now, I’m worrying about the cut as well, even though it’s not bothering him at all. I’m just a worrier.

Life just keeps coming, although I wish I could take a break from it all. I suppose that’s what will happen when I’m in Cape Cod in August.

Why Is Meditating So Difficult?

Why Is Meditating So Difficult?

I’ve been meditating every day for the past week using the guided imagery for women with interstitial cystitis CD. I’ve really been trying to meditate, but it’s really difficult for me. I have made sure to at least try to meditate using the CDs each day. Some days are harder than others, but pretty much every day is difficult. The second I’m supposed to sit down and relax my mind starts to run even faster than normal (which I didn’t know was possible). I start to fidget and get itchy. I try to ignore these things, but the more I ignore them the more obvious they become. I don’t know why meditating is so much work for me. I’m told that it will get easier with practice.

Meditation is supposed to be relaxing, so why do I get anxious when attempting to meditate? The difficulties that I’m having with it are the reasons why I never liked meditating. Despite the difficulties I’m having with meditation, I keep trying because of the benefits that it has. The guided meditation I’m using is supposed to help with my bladder disorder. I’ve been having so many problems with my bladder that I’m willing to try anything in order to see some improvement. There was one time that I was meditating using the CD and I ended up falling asleep. I don’t know if that counts as meditating since I fell asleep in the middle of it, but it does show that I’m getting better because I had to be relaxed in order fall asleep. I can say for certain that I have been giving 100% effort into meditation every day and I will continue to do so for at least one month.

Side Effects or Underlying Issues?

Side Effects or Underlying Issues?

I have so many different struggles that it makes me wonder which difficulties have been there all along, and which ones are side effects of medication or ECT. Something has to change. Whatever it is, I really need to see some improvement. Hopefully I don’t have to wait too long. The three biggest struggles that come to my mind are memory loss, trouble finding the right words when talking (aphasia), and trouble making decisions. I mentioned these issues to my psychiatrist the other day. He told me that the aphasia is most likely caused by the Lithium. High levels of Lithium can cause aphasia in some individuals. Even though my Lithium level is low, it can still cause aphasia. I chose not to make any changes to my Lithium because we are already making a couple big changes such as increasing my Clozapine dose and stopping ECT treatments. It’s not a good idea to make too many changes at once. If something does happen (positive or negative), I wouldn’t know which medication change caused the new effect.

The memory loss is definitely from ECT. Since I have decided to stop doing ECT treatments, I’m wondering if my memory will get better and how long it will take for it to improve. Part of me is curious if my memory will get back to what it used to be; I’ve done 33 treatments and I’m not sure if there are any long-term side effects. Some of my medications, such as Lithium and Tegretol, can also cause memory loss. There is a possibility that some of my memory issues are from the medications, which means it’s possible that my memory won’t return to what it used to be. I guess I just have to wait and see about this issue. I hate waiting.

Problems making decisions is another issue I’m dealing with at this time. This is known to be a difficulty with depression. The only problem is that I still have the same issue when I’m manic or even hypomanic. The problem isn’t going away. I have difficulty making small and large decisions. Sometimes I can’t even figure out what to eat when I’m in my own house. My husband will ask if I want to go do something, like go bowling. I don’t know what I want to do, so I just tell him that I’ll do whatever he wants to do. I think that’s frustrating for him, at least I imagine it would be frustrating. Sometimes, he will ask me if I want something. For example, he will ask if I want ice cream. I respond to him by saying that I don’t need any. Then he tells me that he didn’t ask if I needed any, he asked if I want any. I don’t know how to answer that because I don’t know what I want. I wish this was less difficult to deal with, maybe one day it will get easier.