Category: Challenges

The First Downfall – My Life: Part 3

The First Downfall – My Life: Part 3

Just before I turned 17, I met a guy and was immediately attracted to him. Jared had a personality that was appealing to many. He made friends with people easily, but he only let them see the side of his personality that he wanted them to see. For the first couple months of our relationship, he only let me see positive traits. Once we moved in together, everything changed. He became physically and emotionally abusive. He would tell me when I could see my friends. I had to have dinner on the table when he got home, or else. We did a lot of drugs together. I fell for every trick he played and didn’t stand up for myself at all. He had me convinced that I was lucky to have him; he made me believe that no one else would want me. The worst part of it all is that he broke up with me. He said I wasn’t happy anymore. I remember telling him he would regret it. I was devastated. I don’t know why I was so hung up on a guy that treated me like crap, but I was.

At a party, I met a guy who was so sweet. Chris was the exact opposite of Jared, except for the drug use. I started smoking crack when I met Chris. Jared tried to get back together with me, but I finally stood up for myself and told him no. Jared started stalking me at that point, so I became terrified for my safety even more than I already was. Chris and I dated for several months. He kept talking about getting sober, but I wasn’t ready for that. I was completely addicted to crack that it came before everything. I was even with Chris getting high instead of being at the hospital when my dad died. That is one of the biggest regrets I have. Chris ended up getting killed only a few months after we met.

The loss of my father was exceedingly difficult, even though I knew for years that it was coming. He had been sick for many years with cancer and kidney failure. He ended up dying from an infection on October 10th, 2003. He was in the ICU for a while before his death. I miss my father and think of him every day. Losing him was like losing a part of myself. I wish I had been there to support my family, but I was too far into my addiction. I wish he could have seen me get sober.

My drug use was insane, I was almost always drunk or high on something. All of this made my mental health even worse. I was dealing with rapid cycling; I was either manic or depressed at all times. I didn’t want to spend much time with my friends, the few that I had left. All I wanted to do was die. This was probably my lowest point in life. I finally decided I wanted to quit drinking and using, but I couldn’t do it. I wished I was dead every day. I had lost so much in life, but the worst thing I lost was my self-respect.

One day, I had finally had enough. I went to my mom and told her I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her I needed to go back into the hospital. She told me that a behavioral health hospital would not fix things. I needed more than that; I needed to get sober. Apparently, she had already been looking at places to send me. She showed me some of the places she found. I was interested in this one place in Arizona; it was a year-long in-patient treatment center. It treated drug and alcohol abuse as well as mental health. I actually became excited; I finally felt a glimmer of hope. I was scared, but so enthused about the possibility of feeling better, that it actually lessened the fear. Most people don’t go to rehab willingly. I went not only willingly, but eagerly. I was also terrified; the thought of something new scared me, but the depression was so horrible that I felt my only other option was death.

Think Before Reacting

Think Before Reacting

It is vital, but not easy, in life to think before reacting. People tend to react to situations automatically, at least I know that I do. I usually react by being overly polite, I almost always say yes to whatever anyone asks me, and I let people walk all over me. I have a very hard time standing up for myself. Some others have the opposite problem. Both situations are difficult to handle. This is why people could benefit from thinking before reacting. I’ve been trying to do this in my daily life, but I struggle to do it on my own. Some of the techniques I use are:

  • Take a moment to respond. Don’t force yourself to react immediately.
  • Think about what you would tell someone else to do/say if they were in your position.
  • Practice your response with another person if possible, or just practice with yourself.

I usually respond immediately, telling people I will do what they want and I insist that it’s no problem, even though it is an issue. I almost always put other people before myself. It’s important to stand up for yourself; I guess that’s something I’ll have to continue to work on.

When you stand up for yourself, you don’t necessarily have to explain your response to anyone. Your answer to someone’s question is enough. If you can’t do something for another person, then that should be enough. We are not children, we don’t need to justify everything we say. Speak up and clearly when you are standing up for yourself, and remember it’s okay to say “no”. Being assertive is a good thing; it’s not being mean or rude. Practice standing up for yourself. I ask my husband and my mom for help all the time. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. I think it actually makes you stronger.

Improvements

Improvements

My day actually got better as it went on, which is rare. I ended up doing some cleaning because I just couldn’t stand the dog hair anymore. Then I received a call from my mother-in-law asking if I wanted to come over and play some cards. I was just about to say no, when I ended up saying yes. I told her that I was struggling with some depression, but getting out of the house was probably a good idea. I wasn’t able to smile or laugh while I was over there, but I was able to get through the day without wishing I was dead the entire time. Sometimes, it’s important to push through, and that’s what I did by getting out of the house. I pushed through the pain and it actually helped.

When I got home, there were flowers on the counter. My husband went out and got me my favorite flowers, tiger lilies, and left them there for me to see when I got home. He can be so sweet and thoughtful. I made sure to tell him how much it meant that he did that for me. For a day that started out really horrible, it is actually ending all right. I pushed through the pain, and today it paid off.

Time With My Granddaughter

Time With My Granddaughter

Last night, my step daughter invited me and my husband over for dinner. We were both really excited because it meant that we would get to spend time with our granddaughter, who is almost 8 months old. Sometimes, I have a difficult time getting into ‘play time mode’ with her. My emotions take over and I often can’t help but feel sad because I can’t have children of my own. Of course, it is sad that I cannot have children, but it was a choice I made because I felt (and still feel) that it was the right thing to do. However, I do not want my emotions to get in the way of my relationship with my granddaughter or either of my grown step-kids.

Well, last night was different. It took me a little while to get into the swing of things, but after about 30 minutes, I was able to play with her. I could act goofy, play peek-a-boo, and play tickle monster with her. It felt amazing. She started to laugh for and at me. Simply seeing the joy on her face and watching her smile made my heart fill with delight. The fact that I could make her laugh and smile was breathtaking and I can’t wait to see her again. Plus, I continue to get closer with my step-daughter and her boyfriend. Watching the two of them become responsible adults is so wonderful; I can’t even imagine how great it must feel for my husband to watch them grow into mature and reliable adults.

After my husband and I got home, I started shopping online for clothes and toys to give to our granddaughter. I enjoy the shopping. In fact, I’ve tried to explain to my husband that the shopping is more for me than for her. Now, I just have to wait until I see my granddaughter again in one or two weeks. However, I will get to see my step-son in the next couple days, which is also exciting. I love my family and they do bring me so much joy. They can bring me temporary joy, but the depression is still there. At least they give me a break from it.

Zone Meal Plan

Zone Meal Plan

In the past 6 months, I have gained 32.5 pounds. Bipolar weight gain is terrible and extremely difficult to control. The weight gain began when I was in the midst of yet another depression, before I started taking Clozapine. Then, during the first couple weeks on Clozapine, I noticed that my hunger was never-ending and as a result, my weight was increasing even more. It was one thing when it was just 10 pounds, but now it’s more than 30. I have been through many depressive episodes, and I’ve gained weight during each of them. The largest amount of weight I gained during a depressive period was 80 pounds; that was when I was taking Risperdal. I will never take that medication again. During most of my other depressive episodes, I gained somewhere between 40 and 60 pounds. I always manage to lose the weight and get back in shape; I even keep the weight off, as long as I’m not in a major depression.

I decided, while I was on vacation, that I would start a new food plan when I returned. My husband said he wants to lose weight as well. It always helps to have another person in the house eating healthy and exercising. I have decided to go back on a zone (block) food plan from CrossFit, which I was given several years ago from my personal trainer at the time. It requires a lot of measuring and weighing. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are all 3 block meals, and both of my snacks are 2 blocks each. After a couple of weeks, I will lower my snacks to 1 block each. I just want to give myself time to get used to eating on a schedule again. I think that starting with 2 block snacks will give me a bigger chance for success. If anyone is curious about the CrossFit Meal Plan, just follow this link, Crossfit Meal Plan PDF. The document explains what a zone meal plan is, what blocks are, it has a block chart showing what foods are worth, and example meal plans.

The meals are plenty for me to eat and they taste good; I’m not hungry. I still want to eat, but that’s just because I always want to eat. I eat compulsively; I overeat pretty much all the time. I wonder how long I’ll be able to follow the plan without overeating. Once I eat off my meal plan, the rest of the day is doomed. My mind doesn’t work right in so many ways, and food is one of those ways. I’m particularly proud of myself for choosing to start this meal plan. I really hope I stick with it and follow through. It’s a sign that my depression could be improving. I still feel depressed and have suicidal ideations, but even the smallest improvement can make a huge difference. My husband suggested that we work out together; he used to be my workout partner years ago, and we had a lot of fun. It sounds like a great idea; I just have to figure out how to manage my anxiety. Plus, I should probably only do one thing at a time; maybe I should wait until I’ve been on the new food plan for a couple of weeks before adding in a workout at the gym.

All Messed Up Inside

All Messed Up Inside

Right now, I feel like a mess inside. Life is chaotic. I’m getting ready to go back home and I’m almost all packed, but I’m not ready to leave. I wish I could take my mom with me. At the same time, I can’t wait to go home and see my husband. He ended up having a radio frequency ablation on his spine today. I’m still waiting to hear how it went. Waiting is not my best quality, it is making me nervous. I wish I had been there to take him and make sure everything was okay. Maybe I’m being a bit overprotective, but I just want to be sure he has everything he needs. Being a caregiver is something I’m good at.

I went to see my grandma once more before I leave. I have a hard time saying no to anyone, so I ended up staying and having dinner with her. Many of the things she says make no sense at all. I did my best to ignore the ridiculous things she said, but they have stayed with me all evening. At least this time I didn’t snap at her, but I’m still mad at myself for feeling the way I do. I get so frustrated and irritated with her. I don’t know why I’m mad at myself because of how I feel, especially since I was nice to her despite the comments she made and questions she asked.

I also received a phone call from an unknown number yesterday. I answered it thinking it was a doctor; I was waiting for a few calls. Turns out, it was my husband’s ex, the mother of his children. I’ve never spoken with her before and I’ve never wanted to. She was extremely nice to me on the phone, overly nice. From what I hear, she is manipulative and holds things over everyone’s head, even her own children. Once I realized it was her, I started to freak out, but I tried to remain calm and polite on the phone. Why was I so polite? It’s just my automatic reaction. She wants all of us to get together for a meal some time. All I could think of was that I would let my husband know. I hope I never have to have another conversation with her. I told my husband about it right away, and he reacted much better than I did. I wish I could go back in time and not answer that phone call. The situation is tearing me up inside. I don’t really know why, the situation is over. I put the phone number to my automatic reject list, that way I don’t accidentally answer a call from her again.

I don’t feel like I can handle my emotions or life right now. I just feel overwhelmed; I feel like I’m drowning. I’m capable of getting things done and I can fake being okay, but the fact is that I’m not really okay. However, I’ve been pretending I’m okay for so long that it’s just become the natural thing to do. Everything is in chaos and I am defenseless.

Realizing My Faults: Even When It Takes A While

Realizing My Faults: Even When It Takes A While

I noticed myself getting snippy yesterday with my mother, who did not deserve it at all. Once I realized it, I apologized immediately, and then I realized where it was coming from. For Mother’s Day yesterday, my mom, grandma, and myself went out to lunch; we had a lovely meal. My grandma is 90; she says a lot of things she probably shouldn’t say, but she has always been that way. After lunch, my mom ran into the grocery store while I stayed in the car with my grandma. Up until this point, things were going pretty well; however, it all fell apart fairly quickly, at least that’s how I felt.

My grandma said that if everyone put some of their money together, my husband and I move back to Connecticut. I told her that’s not an option; it’s not something we want to do. She couldn’t grasp the idea. I told her I like visiting Connecticut, but we have many reasons to live across the country. My husband’s parents are there, his kids are there, and most importantly, our granddaughter is there. None of that mattered to her. I told her we were happy living where we were, but still she didn’t understand. I said that we already only see our granddaughter every couple of weeks, and that is hard enough. I couldn’t imagine being across the country from her, I would miss her so much that just thinking about it hurts. Then she asked if we were going to adopt, she is aware that I had a hysterectomy. I explained that it’s not something we want to do; it’s not an option for us. She kept pushing the idea. I explained that I chose not to have kids because of my bipolar disorder and PTSD. I can’t always take care of myself, how could I take care of another person? She tried telling me that we would come up with a system to make it work.

Basically, nothing I said got through to her. Up until this point, my Mother’s Day was going pretty well. However, after this conversation, my heart and stomach started to hurt physically and emotionally. I already know that I can’t have kids, and I hate that, but it felt as if she was throwing it in my face. I know, 100%, that nothing my grandma says is every meant maliciously, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. The last thing I need on Mother’s Day is a reminder that I can’t have kids. I already remember every minute of every single day. I am beyond frustration.

However, I’m upset with myself for being short with her during that conversation. There are many other ways I could have handled it, but I didn’t. The best thing I could have done would have been to simply say, ‘Let’s talk about something else. This conversation makes me uncomfortable.’ I wish I thought about that at the time, but instead I just got frustrated. I was short with her, but as the rest of the day went on it got a little easier again. That’s when I started getting snippy with my mom. She didn’t do anything wrong. I couldn’t figure out why I was so upset, until I finally realized what it was. I was mad at myself for being snippy with my grandma. It was disrespectful. She can’t help it, it’s who she is, and she’s 90 years old. I became mad at myself for being a jerk. It’s as if someone was to get mad at me for being bipolar. It’s a part of who I am and I can’t control it. I had no right to be rude to my grandma.

I need to work on my compassion, especially if I want others to show me some compassion. I was with my grandma today for about 5 hours. Approximately 4 hours and 55 minutes of it went fairly smooth. It was just those 5 minutes while we were waiting in the car together. I have decided that I would rather remember and enjoy the 4 hours and 55 minutes and just ignore the 5 difficult minutes. Almost the entire visit went very well, and that is what I want to remember.

Challenges Show Us What We’re Made Of

Challenges Show Us What We’re Made Of

I’ve heard it said many times before, ‘Challenges aren’t there to stop us; they’re there to show us what we’re made of.’ If that’s true, then I’m made of medications. It’s my daily medications and my as needed meds (such as Valium) that allow me to face my challenges. Okay, maybe I’m being a little dramatic, but I honestly don’t think I would be able to do anything without my meds. I can do a lot without Valium; it’s just there in case I need it. While on vacation, I have needed it more, but there have been times this past week when I did things without taking any. I’m going out with my mom and grandma this afternoon for mother’s day and I’m going to do it without taking any Valium, or at least that’s the plan. I can do it, I can do it. I tell myself over and over and eventually it helps. Everyone faces challenges on a daily basis, big and small. Even if I have to take daily medications and some other medications as needed to get through these challenges, at least I’m getting through them. At least I give it a try.

One challenge I’m dealing with right now is getting my weekly blood test results over to the pharmacy so I can get my prescription for Clozapine. I had my blood drawn at the local hospital and then I was told that they could not send my results to the pharmacy even though my psychiatrist requested it on the lab order, he gave them the pharmacy fax number and everything. All labs are closed on Sundays where I am, even the one in the hospital. So tomorrow morning, I have to call the hospital lab and Quest labs and explain the entire situation to them. Hopefully they will have my results and will fax it over to my pharmacy. If not, then I’m going to have to go to the hospital to talk to someone in person. The hospital is 40 minutes away. If that doesn’t work, then I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I will find a way to keep trying. There has to be a solution.

This is a huge challenge for me. I’m extremely uncomfortable talking to people. My anxiety increases, I start rocking back and forth, I lose my words, my heart rate increases, and I start shaking. Maybe no one else notices it, but I feel exposed. I feel as if everyone in the world can see that I can’t even ask people questions. I’m getting a little better at it, but it’s still terrifying to me. Sometimes, I write down my questions in case I lose my focus due to the anxiety. That way, no matter what, I can get my questions answered. I need to at least try to do it. The times that I try and it works out, I feel so proud of myself. It’s a huge accomplishment. I do my best not to let my challenges stop me; I try to find my way around them, one thing at a time.