Some days, I have a hard time coming up with topics to write about. I write about what’s going on in my mind, but some days, my mind is completely blank. That’s probably because of ECT.
I figured I would reach out to my readers. Is there anything that you would like me to write about? Do you have any questions for me? Or would you like to hear my point of view on any specific topics? I hope to hear from some of you.
I’m feeling somewhat empty inside lately. I’m not exactly sure why, there’s just not much going on for me. When people ask me how I’m doing, I just simply respond by saying, ‘I’m hanging in’. Maybe it’s because I’m on overload, maybe it’s because I just don’t care about certain things as much as I used to. I’m not really sure.
Today is the day that we are celebrating Mother’s Day with my mother-in-law. I’m cooking a dinner that my mom used to cook for me. It’s called Boursin Chicken. In fact, we called it Daddy’s Chicken because it was my dad’s favorite. It makes me smile to remember things like that; it’s feels good to care about and remember things. I have a lot of memory loss due to ECT, so it’s a marvel any time I can remember things.
I had a medication change about 5 days ago because I was feeling numb, flat, and empty. My psychiatrist said that he has seen this happen to people who reach a therapeutic level of Clozapine that are also taking Mirapex. We decided together to taper off the Mirapex. I will take my last dose of Mirapex on Wednesday, I’m currently taking half the dose.
I feel worse than I did a week ago. I’m hoping that this is just me adjusting to the medication change. I really hope that it’s not the beginning of another downward spiral. I took a nap this evening because I just couldn’t stand being awake anymore. When I woke up, I was hoping that at least a couple hours had passed, but instead, it had only been about 30 minutes. What a disappointment. It’s getting harder each day to fake being okay.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been feeling numb for the past few weeks; that nothing seems to matter to me anymore. He responded to me by telling me that he has seen some patients feel numb once they achieve a therapeutic level of Clozapine while they are also on Mirapex. He said that the Mirapex can act like an antidepressant and cause emotional flattening. He said that the technical term for it is alexithymia.
I’m going to cut my dose of Mirapex in half for the next week, and then I will go off of it completely. My doctor said that should help within about two weeks. If that doesn’t help, then he wants to reconsider ECT, which I really do not want to do. Fingers crossed for this medication change to help.
I don’t feel like myself. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve felt like myself. I’m numb, emotionless, disconnected. I can’t figure out if this is better or worse than feeling the depths of depression. I’m still able to fake being ‘okay’ when I need to, but pretending is exhausting. It takes everything I’ve got to put on a fake smile and talk to others.
I keep moving forward, one step at a time. I have no clue how I do it or how I continue to get things done. I spend most of my days alone while my husband is at work. Being alone is so much easier for me than being around people. Every once in a while, I get urges of frustration. I vent for a minute and then it’s back to feeling nothing.
I’m feeling lost today. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad. I’m just drifting right now. I feel like nothing, if that’s possible. I don’t know why and I don’t know what to do. I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do with myself today. I’ve even been having a difficult time writing my to-do list. There’s a few things I know I need to get done, but I can’t concentrate long enough to do much of anything.
Nothing feels right. I can’t laugh. I’m unable to react to certain things. What is wrong with me? I know this is all a part of the depression, but it’s strange when it feels like nothing. I don’t know what to do with myself. I wonder if there is something I should be doing, something that could make all of this go away.
But how do you make nothing disappear? I guess you don’t make it disappear. Instead, you cover it up. I will call my grandma later and ask her some questions regarding our project. Maybe doing that will fill in some of my emotions.
I’m in it, inside the depression; it has taken my energy, my thoughts, and my will. I’m not myself, but I can’t even remember who I normally am. I can’t seem to get things done. It has been weeks since I’ve cleaned my house. Normally I clean the whole house once a week. I keep putting it on my to-do list, but I never seem to be able to get it done. Anything and everything is close to impossible. Every moment is a fight against myself, and it feels as if I’m losing.
I’ve done this many times before. It’s not my first depression, or my second, or third, and so on. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 14 years old. It’s been 17 years that I’ve been trying to manage my diagnosis. I just wish that I could find the peace and keep it just a little bit longer instead of going from one episode to another. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been depressed or manic. The most important part is that I get through it every time. No matter how deep the episode is, no matter how hopeless the depression gets, I’ve gotten through it before and I’ll get through it again.
I wish I could get through this quicker. I know this sounds weird, but a part of me wishes I was manic. Then I would at least have energy and be productive. I’m not thinking about the negative aspects of mania, I’m just thinking that I don’t want to feel the depression I’m in. Right now, I’m sleeping way to much (I keep falling asleep on the couch), I feel worthless, I feel empty, I’m overeating, I have a decreased interest in almost everything, and just about everything is irritating. I’m lucky that I haven’t started crying yet, hopefully it will stay that way; I hate it when I cry. When I say I want to be manic, it’s just because I don’t want to deal with this depression. I want what I currently don’t have. It would be best if I could just be even, not depressed or manic, but I don’t know if that’s reasonable.
I will get through today; I always do. I have a great support system. Everyone I know offers their help. My husband just asked me if he could do anything. I thanked him for offering, but there’s nothing he could do. I wish there was something that other people could do, but I can’t think of anything. Simply knowing that people close to me truly care is helpful. Just knowing that they are there to support me makes me feel a little better; right now, every little bit counts.
I still feel messed up today; as if something isn’t right. I’m dealing with physical pain and being emotional distraught. Normally, when I wake up, words flow from my fingertips. Today, when I woke up, I felt empty. I have felt empty since I woke up from my last ECT treatment; it happens after every treatment, but this one is lasting much longer. This past ECT was the hardest that I’ve ever done. My husband told me that I say that every time. I told him that every time it gets harder. I have been doing this for more than a year. I can’t keep this up. I can’t continue. I’ve said that so many times; however, I think I’m serious about it this time. The memory loss, emptiness, confusion, and the chaos are too much for me anymore. I’m tired and I don’t think I can keep doing this to myself.
I don’t have much to do today, but I’m still wondering if I can get it done. The only thing I must do is get my blood work done at 2pm today. Hopefully I don’t run into that rude phlebotomist. I also want to clean the house today. It has been on my to-do list for a while now, but I can’t seem to get it done. It’s the ECT that’s holding me back from getting things done. I’m so tired; I feel useless. I hope that will change today.
My Side of the Pole 