Trying To Manage Anxiety

My anxiety seems to be getting a little worse lately. I’ve been using more Valium than I normally do. I’m fearful of anything new, anything that I don’t know. For example, I haven’t gotten my hair cut in over a year because I don’t remember where I used to go. Anywhere I go would be new. Having someone behind me terrifies me no matter what they’re doing. I live close to a high school and an elementary school. At the end of the school day, there are always a few teenagers waiting for their rides by my front lawn. When that happens, I can’t go outside to get to my car. No matter what my plans are, I have to wait because I’m too afraid and anxious.

Crowds are a problem because people are all around and behind you. My husband makes it possible for me to do some things such as go to hockey games. I never lose sight of him, he stands behind me in lines so I feel safe, and holds my hand through the crowds. We have a system that works for us in any crowded situation, and he is wonderful about helping me. I’ve been pushing myself to do more such as going to a support group and going to stores I’ve never been to before. I just have to be careful not to overdo things.

Suicidal Ideations

Suicidal ideations are not something that is talked about a lot. I know that I won’t talk about it in my support group because I don’t want the facilitator to have me admitted to the hospital. Since I’m not comfortable talking about it in my support group, I thought I would try to do it here. I’m not actually a danger to myself. It’s not something I want to do, it’s just something I think about.

I deal with suicidal ideations on a daily basis. For some reason, my brain keeps thinking about suicide. I think about how and when to do it, but after I think about that, I think about my mom and my husband. I could never do that to them. For me, they are more than a good enough reason to stay alive. I just wish I could get my brain to stop thinking about suicide. I think I’ve been dealing with these thoughts for more than a year this time. It’s exhausting.

Compromise

I decided that I would go to the Halloween party that my husband wants to attend, his boss is the one throwing the party. I can find a corner somewhere and sit down. I would be comfortable doing that because no one could come up behind me, which is my biggest fear. I could also go into the kitchen and offer to help with things. That would make time go by faster.

I told my husband I would be happy to go with him to the party, and I would even get a costume. The funny thing is that he then said he wasn’t sure if he wants to go. The important part is that I became willing to go. I want him to know that I care about the things that are important to him. I’m not sure if we will end up going or not. I think it made my husband happy that I am willing to go. Compromise is important, but not easy.

Positive Thinking Leads To Success

Lately, I find myself talking out loud. I’m talking to myself, saying things such as, “You can do this. You’re giving it all you got. Just keep trying, it will work out.” I suppose that recently, I’ve been needing to convince myself that I can successfully do various things. Whether it’s going to the new support group last week, going to the very crowded state fair, or doing the juicing fast, I find that telling myself I can do these things has been extremely helpful to my success. I supposed it’s a form of positive thinking. Even when I don’t really believe in myself, saying positive things over and over is a way to convince myself of good things.

There’s no harm in trying. Lately, I’ve been trying a lot of new and different things. Some of these things have been terrifying and anxiety provoking, and others have just simply been difficult. Even if I don’t complete all of these tasks that I’m starting, at least I’m trying. I’ll never be able to complete any new accomplishments without first trying.

Martial Arts Helped Me In Many Ways

I’ve had trouble sleeping the past week or so, and when that happens my mind tends to wander. I tend to worry, and of course every noise my house makes freaks me out. I feel so vulnerable, it’s from my PTSD. I think about when I first got sober, the long-term rehab I was in required that we take martial arts, among many other activities. I loved it! I worked hard at it, and in just about a year’s time, I was able to graduate to from a white belt to a blue belt. I really miss it. It gave me more confidence, and most importantly, it helped me feel safe when I was alone.

I’ve been thinking about joining some type of martial arts or self-defense class. It might take me many months to actually do, but I started thinking about it. I even brought it up to my husband last night. He reminded me that the main reason I stopped doing martial arts was because of the pain in my knees and hips, which I completely forgot about thanks to ECT. This was before my knee surgery. I know it’s really hard on my body, but it may be worth a try. I think a self-defense class would be easier on me physically.

I might start researching the different places I could go to. A one-on-one self-defense class is probably the least anxiety-provoking and intimidating. I get extremely nervous in groups. If I feel comfortable down the road, I can always join a martial arts program. Who knows what will happen, anything’s possible.

Learning To Say No

I struggle when it comes to saying no to just about anyone. If someone asks me to do something for them or help them with something, I almost always say yes, even if it’s overwhelming for me. I suppose that saying no is more anxiety provoking for me than whatever it is I’m asked to do. This is something I’ve been working on with my therapist. He keeps trying to get me to say no to something, even something small; however, I hadn’t followed through on this until yesterday.

A family member wrote a script and is filming it soon. He has all of the parts filled except for one, the part of a mother, and he asked me if I would play that role. This would be too much for me to do, even if the role wasn’t a mother. Trying to play a mother role would be way too hard for me to do since I cannot have children. I don’t need another reminder that I’m not a mom. I started to cry, so I turned the water on and did the dishes so my husband wouldn’t hear me. I guess I wasn’t up for talking about it at that time.

I told this person that I’m honored he would think of me for this; however, it would be too much for me to handle. I thanked him for thinking of me. I hope all goes well, but I will not be able to participate. I was as polite as possible, but I still feel like I’m letting him down by saying no to his request. He was a bit sad that I turned him down, but I’m sure he’ll be able to find someone to fill the part. At least I took care of myself and did what I needed to do for my comfort level. All I’m doing now is wondering if he is mad at me or not.

I’m actually looking forward to my next therapy appointment so I can tell him that I finally said no to something. I wonder if it’s something I can do again? Now that I said no to someone once, will it become easier to do in the future?

Lessons I’ve Learned: Courage Is Not The Absence Of Fear, But The Ability To Continue In Spite Of It

This is a saying I remember hearing over and over at my AA meetings. When I was getting sober, I was constantly told to pray for help to change. Change is not an easy thing, so I was told to pray for the courage to change. I am not a person that likes to pray, but when you’re desperate enough, you’ll try anything. I’ve now been sober for 12 years. At this time, I’m still having difficulties, just in a different area of my life. But I still need to work on changing, and I still need the courage to do so. I don’t feel like I have any courage. I feel weak and helpless, but my friends and family tell me that I’m a courageous person. Either I don’t see what they see, or they’re just wrong about me having courage. I suppose I’ll be positive about this and just assume that I’m not seeing what these other people are seeing.

One thing I know I’m good at doing and I keep trying. No matter how many times something fails or problems arise, I don’t give up. I guess others see this as courageous; I see this as desperate. I want to give up all the time; I’m not sure why I don’t. Maybe it’s because of my family. My entire family is so supportive and caring. They put a lot of energy into dealing with me. I feel like it’s the right thing to do to keep trying, if not for myself, then for my family.

I have learned that it’s okay to have fear, but don’t let that fear stop you from doing anything. I am in control of my life. I make the choices. I can choose to look fear in the face and keep moving forward. I have learned to never give up on myself. If I can’t do things for myself, then it’s okay to find another reason. For me, it’s my family. I wonder what other people use as their reason to keep moving forward. Does anyone want to share?

No More ECT

Tomorrow would have been my next ECT treatment. Instead, I talked to my doctor a week or two ago and canceled the appointment. I’ve been wanting to stop these treatments for a while, and I finally did. Now, I’m nervous. I’ve been doing this for 15 months. Even though it’s hard on my mind and my body, it has become normal. All of the “what if’s” are going through my mind. What if ECT actually was helping? What if I slip into a huge manic episode? What if my depression gets worse? What if I have to re-start it, will I be willing to do that?

If I have to re-start ECT, then I don’t get to pick up where I left off. I would have to re-start by going three times a week for a month. Then once a week for four weeks, then every other week for eight sessions, and then finally back to once a month. I can’t do that again. I think I would rather try the IV Ketamine, and that terrifies me. Treatment resistant bipolar depression sucks. I wish I could take a vacation from it. Sometimes I feel like giving up. I know I’m not going to, but I want to. I wish I could be the person that didn’t always do the right thing.

Anxiety At The Gym

My husband and I just finished working out at the gym. Thank goodness it wasn’t very busy, but my anxiety was still pretty high. My anxiety tends to sky-rocket every time I see someone, walk by someone, or see someone looking my way. So basically, that means my anxiety is high the entire time I’m there. My husband stays by me the whole time to help me feel a little more secure, but it doesn’t completely remove my anxiety. I can’t imagine how anxious I would be without having my husband there by my side. In fact, I don’t think I would even be able to go if I wasn’t with him.

Even when the gym is slow, like it was today, there are still more people to keep track of than possible. Knowing everything that’s going on around me is one of the things that helps reduce my anxiety. I start to panic when I can’t see everything that’s happening and everyone that’s around me. My husband is there to help keep me safe and as a second pair of eyes, but no one can see everything that’s happening in a gym at one time. I become very nervous, scared, and paranoid in public places. I wish I could get rid of all of this anxiety. It’s exhausting. I have Valium that helps, but I don’t want to take one every time we go to the gym. I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it, although that doesn’t sound like something I want to do or can do. I’m sure it will get better over time; I just have to be patient.

Worst Case Scenarios

I’ve been told that I always tend to think of the worst case scenarios. I easily jump to the worst possible conclusion instead of the most likely conclusion. I try not to panic, but it happens so easily. I think that part of it is just the way I’m wired. I’m a worrier, it’s what I do. The other part is that I’ve experienced a lot of trauma over the years. My father died when I was 18 and shortly after that my boyfriend died. I have also lost numerous friends to drug and alcohol addiction and to mental illness. I suppose I just expect to hear bad news at this point. I would rather expect something bad to happen and end up being pleasantly surprised when it’s not true, than to expect good news and be disappointed with sad or scary news.

Maybe this is a terrible way to look at and deal with life, but it’s how I do things at this time. I don’t know how to do it any other way. I am learning to gather information before drawing a conclusion. For example, I heard that there was some type of incident in my home town where someone lost their life. That was all the information I could find. Instead of assuming that it was a friend or family member, I called someone to see what they knew. Turns out, it was not about anyone that I knew. Another example is that I become scared when someone I don’t know talks to me or comes up to me. I am terrified of anything I don’t know. I’ve been able to get better at this over time. Hopefully, I will continue to grow and be able to reduce my anxiety.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Facing Fears