I’m getting frustrated pretty easily. I keep pushing my frustration down, but maybe that’s not the best thing to do. Yesterday, my car decided not to start. It ended up working out okay, but it pissed me off when it happened. It’s just another thing to add to the list of crap that I’m dealing with.
When I get frustrated, I generally get very quiet. I usually don’t talk, smile, or do anything; I’m just there. Every once in a while, I will vent to my mom or my husband. I think I should allow myself to express my frustration, otherwise I’m afraid it will erupt at some point.
I wasn’t always like this. I used to be able to express my frustration and anger, but now, even the idea of it scares me. I even get scared when I’m around others that are full-blown angry because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I have a fear of the unknown. I need to find a happy medium. I know it’s not healthy to be angry every day, but it’s also not healthy to pretend not to be angry.
Another day of ECT. I know it helps, but I really dislike the memory loss side effect. However, I would rather have some memory loss than be completely miserable, irritable, depressed, and suicidal. I am grateful that ECT helps and I hope that it continues to improve my mental health status as time goes on.
I was talking to my husband the other day about how I’ve been going to AA meetings all by myself (of course, not without taking a Valium). We discussed that I have talked to some people, spoke in some of the meetings, and I even stood up to get my sobriety chip (I had 13 years sober on April 29th). It turns out that I really missed meetings.
I have been pushing myself to do a little more each week. My husband and I even take walks each night for about 30 minutes. It’s so beautiful out with the stars shining down on us. The neighborhood is almost completely silent. During the last couple of walks, only 2 cars passed by us each night. It reminds me of where I grew up. I think the reason that I’m able and willing to push myself further is because I know that I have a safe place to come home to. I feel secure and comfortable in our new home. When living at our last house, I always felt on edge. Just leaving the house and going to the garage was a difficult task. I no longer have to worry about things like that; my anxiety while at home is less. Let’s hope it stays that way.
I brought another carload full of stuff over to my new house earlier this evening. Then, I decided to check the mail before leaving. I drove over to the mailbox, and as I was leaving, I saw a neighbor that I had not yet met. My heart began to race suddenly, but I know that I needed to do my best to be polite and introduce myself to this neighbor (good thing I had already taken some medication earlier, which helped me keep my anxiety down).
I waved to this new neighbor; he waved back and started walking towards me. I met him at the end of his driveway. He was very polite. We talked for about 10 minutes and then he invited me into his house to meet his wife. We talked for another 5 minutes or so. They are both extremely nice and easy to talk to. They leave next week, for the winter, which more than half of the neighborhood does. I look forward to them coming back because they are so easy to get along with.
These new neighbors said that most of the other neighbors are easy to get along with. My plan is that whenever I see a new neighbor, I will wave to them. If they look like they want to meet up close and talk, I will do so. I’m so grateful for Valium. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this if it wasn’t for my Valium.
I had to take my dog, Cash, to the emergency vet earlier today. Cash was having problems walking, his temperature was 2 degrees low, his gums were pale, his abdomen was enlarged, and he refused to eat dog food or treats (even when they were brought to him). I waited, for what felt like hours (but it was really only 45 minutes), and the vet came into the room to tell me about the results of the tests. It turns out that his blood work shows him as anemic, with some type of big infection (his WBC is twice what it should be), a tumor near his abdomen, and there is also some lose fluid in the abdomen.
I’m so worried about him. He’s 11 years old, I’m not sure if he can make it through this. I’m sleeping out in the living room with him this evening. I’m worried that this will be his last night tonight. Tomorrow, I will be bringing him and all of the tests/paperwork back to my regular vet. I feel more comfortable seeing how it goes with my regular vet (who knows Cash very well). I’m hoping for some better news, but I’m not counting on it. I’m going to stick by his side so he’s not alone. It’s bad enough that he’s in pain, I don’t want him to be alone either. The employees at vet that I went to, were extremely helpful, polite, and nice.
I’ve been thinking of going to another meeting today; however, the meetings I’ve been going to tend to get so crowded that I get uncomfortable. That’s why I thought I would change it up a bit and try going to the noon meeting. I’ve been to it before, so it’s not completely new for me, and there are generally less people at the noon meeting then there are at the 6pm meeting. It’s worth a shot, I should at least try it. If, for some reason, I’m uncomfortable, I can always leave. I’ll let you all know how the meeting goes.
I continue packing, just a couple of boxes at a time. I want to get more done, but I still don’t have an exact moving date yet. I should be finding out the moving date any day now. I’m looking forward to leaving this house and finally being responsible for my own property.
I’m trying to sell my Bowflex Xtreme 2SE home gym and my kettlebells. I don’t have a third bedroom where I can set up a workout room. It’s a good idea to sell my equipment, however, it’s also terrifying to possibly have a stranger come over my house, even when my husband is home. I’m afraid of strangers, so having them in my house probably isn’t a good idea. Maybe I can find a company I can sell them to or a charity to give them to. I’ll let you know how it all ends up turning out. I’m sure it will work out okay.
Yesterday, I went to my friend’s/sponsor’s house so we could drive to the AA meeting together. Just the thought of going to a meeting was causing an anxiety attack. I ended up going to the meeting with her and her husband, who helped me first get sober. When we got to the meeting, my anxiety picked up again, but my friend helped me through it.
There were several people who know me. They all wanted hugs, which was difficult at first, but it got easier as the moments went on. It was really nice to see most of these people. Only a couple of people asked me where I’ve been. I did my best to answer them by saying, “Not here”, but for one person it didn’t work. I just said, “I’ve been busy but staying sober.”
We sat on a bench with our backs to the wall (my friend picked the seats and she knows me very well). My friend sat on one side of me and her husband sat on the other. I was very fidgety, had racing thoughts, and at one point I apparently stopped breathing, so my friend suggested we go outside for a moment. I was afraid that someone was going to call on me to speak, and there were lots of people who kept looking over at me. Everything ended up perfectly fine.
In fact, I’m thinking of going to another meeting today. I know what it is that I have been missing from the meetings, I’ve been missing the friendship and community. I’m thinking of going to an earlier meeting today, at 4pm, so it will be a bit smaller (hopefully). We’ll see how it goes. I’m just going to take it one moment at a time.
“Difficulties mastered are opportunities won.” – Winston Churchill
Right now, I’m avoiding a couple of situations because they are so difficult for me. But once I face them, if I face them, then they will become opportunities (or situations) won.
My days seem to be getting busier. Once I get moving, I don’t stop until about 2 hours before bed. I honestly feel like I have too much going on; I’m going to burn out soon. I think this is why I’m having anxiety attacks every day; it may not be the whole reason, but it’s definitely one of the reasons.
I’m trying to prepare myself for Thanksgiving, but I don’t know if that’s possible. I don’t exactly know what I’m going to be walking into. There will be so many people there that I don’t know, and I’m extremely uncomfortable with that. I will know about 10 or 15 of the people there, the rest will be strangers to me. I can offer to help out in the kitchen, which can help reduce my anxiety, as long as there aren’t too many people in the kitchen already.
Valium will also help. Lately, I wish I could take Valium all day, every day. I won’t; I know it’s not safe, especially for me. I just need to get through the next couple weeks. I have to get through Thanksgiving, the family reunion, packing and traveling to Connecticut, a party in Connecticut, a friend’s party after I get back home, and then of course there is Christmas and New Years. After writing all of this out, it feels like there’s more to stress out about than I can handle.
I’ve thought about taking some form of martial arts or self-defense class for the past couple months. I think it may make me feel a little safer in my life. It used to make me feel safe when I studied martial arts 12 years ago. It would also help me get in shape and be healthy. The only problem is that I’m too scared to do it on my own. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll probably think about it for approximately 3 months before doing something. I just want to feel empowered, I want to feel like I can take care of myself. I don’t want to be terrified for my life every time someone knocks on the door. I want to know that I can take my dog for a walk by myself and not feel threatened by others around me. I’m not sure if this will ever happen, but at least I know I’m thinking about it, which is the first step in the process.