My mother-in-law invited me to go out with her to a meeting and then out to dinner afterwards. Normally, I find ways to say ‘no’ when I’m asked out by other people, but this time was different. I’m still getting over the loss of my dog, Cash, and my mother-in-law knew that I was struggling with the situation. She invited me out, saying that it’s better than being home alone, and she was right. I’m glad that I said ‘yes’ and the two of us went out together.
It’s been hard being home alone. I’m used to Cash always being there. I keep looking for him whenever I want to do something or go somewhere. I’m not ready for another dog, but I’m also not ready to be home alone by myself. I’m extremely grateful that my mother-in-law invited me out for the night.
Today was a very tough day. When I woke up this morning, I came out to the living room to see my dog struggling to breathe. Last night, we invited him to come sleep in the bedroom with us; however, at some point during the night, he decided to come out to the living room and lay down on the tile. My husband and I noticed around 7:30am, that he wasn’t eating or drinking, he couldn’t stand or walk, and his breathing was extremely labored. We could tell that he was in pain. I think he was trying to tell us that it was time for him to go, he was ready.
We had to carry him to the car, which was very difficult (he’s 88 pounds). They had a couple guys come out to help bring him inside. They told us to let them know when we were ready. We decided that we were ready right then. Cash was in so much pain, we didn’t want him to stay in that much pain. We didn’t want to be selfish, it wasn’t about us, this was about him.
Watching him go was extremely difficult. Cash’s eyes didn’t close, it was hard to watch. I cried, which I did many times today. We will pick up his ashes when they are ready. We decided to take Cash on one last hike (it was my husband’s idea). Cash loved to go hiking. He would wear his backpack and carry everything he/we needed.
We stayed busy today. We didn’t want to go home after he died. It’s going to be weird without him here. We eventually came home, and it’s so quiet here. It doesn’t seem right, but we will have to get used to it, at least for now.
I never knew how much I rely on my dog until he got sick. My husband always tells me that the dog helps me out and is a necessity for me. I know, just as my husband says, that Cash helps me realize when noises are real. For example, he will normally get up, bark, and run to the door when he hears someone coming. However, this past week that he has been sick, he doesn’t even pick up his head. I was doing dishes today, and I had to stop three times, cautiously run to the window/door to see if anyone was coming, and carefully return to the dishes. Cash has been my protector and my guardian for the past 11 years. I always figured that no one would mess with me if I had an 88 pound pit mix standing in front of me, and it was true. No I’m looking out for myself and for my dog. He took care of me for his whole life; now it’s my turn to take care of him (I’ll just have to worry about myself later).
Today was a rough day. I had to watch my dog be ill. It seemed like he was giving up on life, but I didn’t want to have him put to sleep too early, and it was a good call that I waited it out. Later in the day, he finally stood up, walked a little bit, went to the bathroom, and he even ate a treat (none of which he would do earlier in the day). He rebounded physically; he still has some life left in him. However, he appears to be going downhill again. My husband got him to actually eat dinner, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to rebound again. I think the fact that he won’t eat regularly, won’t walk, and won’t wag his tail is his way of telling me that he’s ready. I just don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. It’s such a hard decision to make; I just want to do what’s right for my dog. I’m sleeping out on the couch tonight so I can be close to him in case he needs me.
I’m massively overwhelmed. I keep going from feeling nothing at all to feeling everything and crying. I have too much going on right now. I just closed on buying a house yesterday. I’m officially a homeowner, for the first time ever. I’m also dealing with my dog being sick and dying. There are many, many small things going on that I have to deal with in every aspect of life. I don’t know how to handle everything. Luckily, I have three weeks to move, so I can take my time and do it right. I’m going to take everything in life, one step at a time.
I found out yesterday that my dog, Cash, has multiple cancerous masses in his spleen. There are a few options, but none of them are good. Chemo is an option, but it’s not one that we want to do. It causes too many side effects and we don’t know how effective it would be. We could also remove his spleen. However, that is extremely dangerous; he may not make it through the surgery and even if he does, it would only give him about 6 more months. Plus, the cancer could spread because it’s in his blood, so the surgery may not be that effective. We’ve decided to play it day by day. We just want him to be comfortable and happy.
I had to take my dog, Cash, to the emergency vet earlier today. Cash was having problems walking, his temperature was 2 degrees low, his gums were pale, his abdomen was enlarged, and he refused to eat dog food or treats (even when they were brought to him). I waited, for what felt like hours (but it was really only 45 minutes), and the vet came into the room to tell me about the results of the tests. It turns out that his blood work shows him as anemic, with some type of big infection (his WBC is twice what it should be), a tumor near his abdomen, and there is also some lose fluid in the abdomen.
I’m so worried about him. He’s 11 years old, I’m not sure if he can make it through this. I’m sleeping out in the living room with him this evening. I’m worried that this will be his last night tonight. Tomorrow, I will be bringing him and all of the tests/paperwork back to my regular vet. I feel more comfortable seeing how it goes with my regular vet (who knows Cash very well). I’m hoping for some better news, but I’m not counting on it. I’m going to stick by his side so he’s not alone. It’s bad enough that he’s in pain, I don’t want him to be alone either. The employees at vet that I went to, were extremely helpful, polite, and nice.
Last night, my husband came home with a dozen roses. He said that he could tell that I was struggling lately and he wanted to help cheer me up. I’m very lucky to have a man like him that pays attention to how I’m feeling and wants to help me out. Every time I look at the roses, it makes me feel a little bit better.
I’m worried about my dog lately. This morning he didn’t want to eat. And for the past few nights, he’s been coming into our bedroom, which he never does. He doesn’t even come when he’s called. He’s just acting weird, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because we’re moving and things are changing. Hopefully things will get better for him.
I just got back from the vet with good news; they did not need to redo the stitch that Cash pulled out last night. The vet said that the incision site looked good. And even better than that, it didn’t cost anything.
I’m back home now and have a million things to do. I’m having problems getting my Clozapine prescription filled. The pharmacy keeps saying they don’t have my blood work, even when I called the lab and had them fax it over again. I’m going to wait a couple of hours and then try calling the pharmacy again. It’s extremely frustrating.
I also have more tax stuff to do today. It’s the last thing I want to do, but I’m hoping that it will be easier if I do just a little bit at a time.
I feel like I’m being pulled in many different directions. How do I handle all of this? There’s too much going on right now. I need a vacation from myself. I’m just going to do a little bit at a time until everything is done. I wonder when that will be.
Today has been a productive and frustrating day. I worked on my taxes by starting to figure out some of my deductions such as medical expenses (which is a lot), I did all of the laundry including the bed sheets, I went grocery shopping, and I took and shower and washed my hair (which has been difficult during this depression).
While I was at the grocery store, the dog ripped out and ate one of his stitches. I was only gone for 40 minutes, and he had his e-collar on. I have no clue how he reached his back leg. The incision had only one stitch, it was a small incision. I cleaned it with hydrogen peroxide and wrapped it in gauze and vet wrap. I’ll call the vet tomorrow and see what they want me to do. I’m so frustrated. I’ve taken Cash to the vet more times in the past week than I have in the past couple of years.