I woke up extra early today for some reason, hours earlier than I planned on waking up. Of course, it happened on a day that I can’t eat or drink anything because I’m having ECT done later this morning. I’m always thirsty in the mornings when I can’t drink. Oh well, I’ll just have to deal with it for a few hours.
I can’t do much of anything today since I can’t drive due to the anesthesia. However, tomorrow is going to be an extremely busy day. Tomorrow, I’m supposed to clean the house, bring the dog in for a bath, go to a therapy appointment, go to the bank, get my blood work done, and pick my mom up from the airport. Maybe I’ll start a little early and I’ll begin cleaning the house today. I bet that would make things easier (especially since my husband is having someone over tomorrow to play video games and they say I get in the way when I’m vacuuming.)
Last week, after my last ECT, I came home and tried to sleep I couldn’t. That’s actually happened to me twice now. Maybe if I don’t try to go to bed after today’s treatment, then perhaps I’ll fall asleep on the couch when I’m not trying to. We will just have to wait and see.
My ECT treatment went very well today. I have some memory loss, but that’s normal. I don’t remember anything about today from before the treatment. I woke up very confused and with a major headache (that happens sometimes), but other than that, I’m okay. It was nice having my mother-in-law there. She was extremely helpful and supportive. I’m still doing the treatments twice a week, I don’t know how long that will last.
I think that my sleep has been improving since I restarted ECT. Before I restarted ECT, I would fall asleep and only stay asleep anywhere from 20 minutes to 1 hour. Then I would be awake and stay awake for hours. Only occasionally would I be able to fall back asleep, so I wasn’t getting much sleep at all. Now, I’m able to fall asleep within 1 hour and luckily, I can stay asleep for most of the night. My psychiatrist says that it is a huge progress.
For the past two nights, I’ve finally been sleeping and staying in bed all night long. For the past month or so, I would wake up after being asleep for only an hour or so. Then, I would come out on the couch and attempt to sleep. Sometimes it would work and sometimes it wouldn’t. But the last two nights I finally got a full night’s sleep. I think it’s even helping me feel better during the day.
I’m still having weird dreams. I remember them when I wake up, but then I forget them after a few minutes, just like I forget everything else. I wish my memory would start improving soon. I feel uncomfortable around people because I’m afraid I’m going to ask them the same thing multiple times. I don’t want to bother people. I’m just doing the best that I can.
Babysitting my granddaughter went really well. She’s such a good baby. There was some trouble falling asleep, but once she fell asleep she slept through the night, 9 1/2 hours. I can’t believe she does that, it’s so awesome. She only cries when there’s a reason, such as being hungry, needing a diaper change, or being tired. The rest of the time she just plays and is a very happy baby. Hopefully we’ll get to babysit more often. It was a great year to begin the new year
I woke up after only a few hours of sleep; my mind was wandering like it always does. Thoughts are going in and out of my brain, covering all different topics and raising questions that I don’t know the answer to. Instead of laying in bed and trying to go back to sleep, I give in to the racing thoughts and go out to the couch. I turn on the TV to help me drone out the racing thoughts that I can’t manage.
Normally, I can fall back asleep once I’m on the couch because of the TV background noise, but this time I have no luck. The air feels dense, my thoughts feel heavy. Every thought adds weight to my mind. I finally give up on falling back asleep, so that removes one of the many thoughts. I can’t give up on anything else, so I just have to fight my way through.
I lay here again, unable to fall asleep. Thoughts and memories flood my brain making it close to impossible to even close my eyes. This doesn’t happen nearly as often as it used to occur. Maybe, once our new Sleep Number mattress arrives, this will happen even less than it does already.
My mind is racing fast, but it’s hard to stay focused on any one set of thoughts. How do I help myself fall asleep? All of the things I normally do have been unsuccessful. I think I’ll get up and stretch since my muscles are hurting. Even if I don’t sleep tonight, I’m trying to be grateful that this happens only a couple times a month now instead of several times a week. Improvement is a big deal.
I can’t seem to fall asleep tonight. I have no clue why. My routine is the same, nothing has changed, except for the fact that I’m not asleep. I feel my eyes getting heavy, but when I close them, my mind starts to wander. It goes faster and faster; no one can be expected to fall asleep under those circumstances. So I decided to come out to the couch. Maybe I will get tired there. I turned the TV up a little to try to cover up the background noise in my mind.
As the minutes go on, I feel like I’m getting closer to falling asleep. I’m going to go lay down and try to go to sleep again.
I’ve probably mentioned before that I’m an insomniac. However, the Clozapine I take at night helps me fall asleep with 20 minutes, I just don’t stay asleep. I wake up at least twice every night. It would be nice to sleep through the night, but I don’t know if that will ever happen. My mind is always running extremely fast. It goes from one thought, to the next, and so on. I never catch a break; I never get a moment of peace from my own brain. This happens when I’m manic, depressed, and even when I’m not experiencing an episode.
There are many aspects in life that affect my ability to sleep. These aspects include keeping a routine, medications, my anxiety level, and my honesty. Keeping a routine is important, but it’s something that I’m not very good at. I almost never go to bed at the same time every night. I pretty much go to sleep whenever I feel like it, so that isn’t very helpful. Several of my medications, including Lithium and Tegretol XR, can cause insomnia in patients. I’m sure this worsens my ability to sleep. My anxiety level is high quite often. Even when it’s not high, I deal with anxiety on a regular basis, especially when I’m outside of my home. For me, it’s important to remain honesty. I have a hard time living with myself if I’m not honest. I truly believe that honesty is the best policy; it’s important that when we interact with others, you should treat them the way you want to be treated.
There are many reasons why I could struggle with insomnia. I wonder if this is something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. When I was a young child, I would fall asleep anywhere. Now, I have to force myself to fall asleep. And to make matters even worse, I tend to have nightmares when I finally do fall asleep. My husband says that he can tell when I’m having a bad dream because I talk very loudly in my sleep and I’m constantly tossing and turning. When I wake up, I don’t always remember my dream/nightmare, but I do remember feeling terrified. I wonder if there’s anything I can do to help get rid of these nightmares.
Last night I increased my dose to 75mg, per the request of my psychiatrist. I slept a couple hours in the bedroom before coming out to the couch; at that point, I was in and out for the rest of the night. At least I’m getting 6 or 7 hours of sleep each night, even if I can’t sleep through the night, it’s better than nothing.
The only side effect that I seem to have today is that my whole body is sore. Every muscle hurts, as if I just did a major workout a couple days ago, but I didn’t. It seems that this rechallenge is going pretty well. I will schedule an appointment with the lab to get my blood work done again tomorrow.
I told my psychiatrist yesterday about the side effects I experienced. Even though they were getting better as the day went on, he decided that he did not want me to up my dose for day three. I ended up getting dizzy and weak feeling yesterday, but I think a lot of that had to do with the combination of the medication and anxiety; I went to a birthday party for a family member and felt a bit overwhelmed. Because of the side effects I had, I took 50mg again last night as instructed.
I had some trouble sleeping, but ended up getting a total of 6 or 7 hours. I wish I could sleep straight through the night, but I guess that’s not how it is for me. When I woke up for the last time this morning, I felt normal. I don’t notice any side effects or problems at all. I can’t wait to tell my psychiatrist. This is great progress and now I’m excited to continue the Clozapine instead of being nervous. My body is adjusting, it’s a good sign.