Slightly Better For Now

I’m feeling slightly better today. I’m still upset about being labeled totally and permanently disabled, even though it’s what I needed to have happen. At least I’m not crying today like I was last night. Plus, it’s just a label; it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be disabled forever, even though it feels like that sometimes. It just sucks because I’m already doing everything I can do and the result is not very good. Oh well, at least I’m trying. I am proud of myself for doing all that I can do, whether it helps or not. If I wasn’t working at being healthy, then I wouldn’t be able to take pride in that aspect of my life.

I talked to my husband this morning about how I’m feeling. He kept trying to make me feel better; it was sweet and thoughtful. At least he cares enough to try. I have to give him credit for that.

I did sleep last night, but I didn’t fall asleep until 5am. I slept for 5 hours, which isn’t too bad. It’s better than not sleeping at all. I find it odd to be depressed but not sleeping very much. Usually, when I’m depressed, I sleep all the time. So does that mean I’m in a mixed state? Or can I have symptoms of both depression and mania, and still be in a depression? I’m not sure how it works. Anyway, hopefully things will continue to improve, even if it’s only one tiny bit at a time.

Depressed and Disabled

Yesterday ended up being a difficult day. The evening was the hard part. After my husband left for work, this deep heart-rending, wretched feeling set in. I started to feel ashamed of who I am; that is a feeling I haven’t felt in quite a while. I thought it was because of my weight, but that wasn’t it. I spent more time crying tonight than I have in months.

My mom called and we talked for a while. I started to tell her how I was feeling. As I was talking to her I figure out what the issue was. It was that my doctor completed my total and permanent disability paperwork. My therapist was also willing to do the paperwork if I needed it. Because of this paperwork, I realized that I had been on disability for 78 months. Wow, that is a long time. It’s something about being told I’m permanently disabled. I know it’s just a term, but it’s already been so long, and I’m not doing much better. I guess that’s why they diagnosed me as treatment resistant.

No matter what do or how hard I try, there’s always going to be a problem. I’ll go up and down; it will get better and worse, but the possibility of me becoming and staying stable is not likely. When my doctor filled out that paperwork for the total and permanent disability, he did so because he believes that to be true. He doesn’t believe that I will get back to fully functioning. I suppose I don’t believe I will get back to what I had before; a job and a social life. I don’t think everything is a failure; I’m just questioning it all.

The good thing is that I know this will pass. I will have an up-swing again, these feelings will go away, and I’ll deal with the problems of mania. At least my life stays interesting; it’s always something.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Today was a good workout at the gym with my husband. I’m doing the best I can to be okay during my workouts. I may feel like I’m freaking out, but I’m trying to remain calm. I don’t want to feed into my fears. I’m working on using the mirrors in the gym to my advantage. I’m using them to help me see things that are going on around and behind me. We are generally able to go to the gym when it’s slow, which is usually when most people are at work. That is a huge help to my anxiety.

I’m finally feeling better after being awake for two days. Yesterday, I was still feeling kind of messed up. It’s weird what happens to your body when you’re awake for 42 hours straight. Hopefully I won’t have any more problems sleeping. I think that the whole issue was caused by anxiety; probably from my dose increase and from stopping ECT. At least I’m feeling well enough to do my regular routine.

I’m trying to be grateful for what I do have and think positive about everything. This is easier said than done, but all that matters is that I keep trying. Just keep calm and carry on (as much as possible).

Clozapine Increase

Last night was the first night of my Clozapine dosage increase. I only went up by 25mg. I knew I was going to be doing this increase for almost two weeks; it’s about time I was finally able to start it. My psychiatrist told me to keep an eye out for fevers, dizziness, or other similar symptoms. Hopefully that won’t happen this time.

As I was looking at the side effects for Clozapine and weight gain was one of the bigger ones. Maybe that explains why I’ve gained and keep gaining weight. I keep trying to lose weight, but it’s not working. The Clozapine is working against me. I hate meds that cause weight gain, it’s not fair. Not like much of anything is fair, but sometimes it feels as if I have to choose between the ability to control my weight and the possibility of being stable.

I think that the Clozapine has been working for me. I want to give it a real try before giving up on it. I will follow through with the next two months of increase until I’m finally able to double my dose. The question is, how am I going to be able to control my weight? At least my husband is helpful and supportive. I’ve gained and lost weight many times in my life. I can do it again this time. I just don’t want to keep gaining weight right now. I’m ready to lose the weight.

Lessons I’ve Learned: Courage Is Not The Absence Of Fear, But The Ability To Continue In Spite Of It

This is a saying I remember hearing over and over at my AA meetings. When I was getting sober, I was constantly told to pray for help to change. Change is not an easy thing, so I was told to pray for the courage to change. I am not a person that likes to pray, but when you’re desperate enough, you’ll try anything. I’ve now been sober for 12 years. At this time, I’m still having difficulties, just in a different area of my life. But I still need to work on changing, and I still need the courage to do so. I don’t feel like I have any courage. I feel weak and helpless, but my friends and family tell me that I’m a courageous person. Either I don’t see what they see, or they’re just wrong about me having courage. I suppose I’ll be positive about this and just assume that I’m not seeing what these other people are seeing.

One thing I know I’m good at doing and I keep trying. No matter how many times something fails or problems arise, I don’t give up. I guess others see this as courageous; I see this as desperate. I want to give up all the time; I’m not sure why I don’t. Maybe it’s because of my family. My entire family is so supportive and caring. They put a lot of energy into dealing with me. I feel like it’s the right thing to do to keep trying, if not for myself, then for my family.

I have learned that it’s okay to have fear, but don’t let that fear stop you from doing anything. I am in control of my life. I make the choices. I can choose to look fear in the face and keep moving forward. I have learned to never give up on myself. If I can’t do things for myself, then it’s okay to find another reason. For me, it’s my family. I wonder what other people use as their reason to keep moving forward. Does anyone want to share?

Trying To Work Through Abuse

I was having a conversation with someone I know and get along with yesterday. He was saying that he tends to get overwhelmed with all sorts of situations in life and often explodes. He says it takes him a couple of hours to cool down. I told him that I have those same feelings, but I hold them all in, which is difficult to manage. I don’t allow myself to properly express my emotions. This guy asked me why I hold everything in; he said it’s not healthy to do that (neither is the way he manages his emotions, but there’s a middle ground somewhere). I knew right away why I hold in my emotions and why my anxiety and fears are so extreme. It’s because of my ex-boyfriend, Jared, but I didn’t want to get into it then, so I just shrugged off the question.

However, the inquiry has been with me all night. Jared was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. I was hooked in our relationship. He had me believing that everything that went wrong was my fault and I needed to be punished for the problems I caused. Over time, I stopped expressing myself. I don’t like standing up for myself anymore. It’s just a natural reaction for me now. I automatically stuff my emotions down; however, one day they will all come out, and it won’t be pretty. I already liked to drink by the time I met this guy, but being a black out drunk became normal for me because I didn’t want to remember anything. There are some situations that I remember, even though I wish I could forget them. I’m sad to say that Jared is one of the reasons I act the way I do. He has nothing to do with my bipolar disorder, but everything to do with my PTSD, which was diagnosed in 2009.

I’m getting better with time. There was a couple of year period where I couldn’t be touched by anybody, not even a handshake or hug. That is no longer an issue. I have come a long way. It’s still difficult being in crowds, having people around me that I can’t see (such as standing in a line or shopping), talking to or being around strangers, and not knowing what is happening. I like to have control over situations; it makes me feel a little safer. This may sound weird, but I tend to blame myself for what happened with Jared. If I’m to blame, then I can do something about it. If it’s entirely his fault, then I have no control over the situation. One thing that helps is that he’s dead. He was killed several years ago during a drug deal. At first, that made it even harder for me to deal with because I had no closure, but now I’m okay with it for the most part.

I doubt I’ll ever get past all of this, but I have grown from it. As long as I continue to grow, then that’s okay.

Cape Cod, Here I Come! (In 2 Months)

I haven’t slept one wink since I woke up yesterday morning, and I’m not even tired. Besides that, my mom and I got my plane ticket to go to Cape Cod to spend a week together! It doesn’t happen until August, but I’m excited now that I made my final decision. This is the only time I get to have real one-on-one time with my mom. I’m really looking forward to it. We’re talking about doing some things that we’ve never tried before. Plus, I’ll get to see my sister, her husband, and their kids! I overlap my vacation with theirs for about 24 hours. I can’t wait to see them all.

I go to the same cottage that my family has been going to since before I was born. I have so many memories of Dennis Port, MA. The cottage is a short 1 to 2 minute walk to the water. I don’t like to go in the water, but I enjoy lying on the beach. It’s a private beach, so it’s not crowded, which makes it easier for my anxiety. My husband wants to come, but we just can’t make it work this year. He’ll be coming back to Connecticut with me in the beginning of December for my mom’s birthday. Maybe he will be able to come with me to the Cape next year. I worry about him being on the beach. He has 3rd degree burns on over 30% of his body. It happened over a decade ago. He’s perfectly fine now; he just has to be very careful when he’s out in the sun.

My flights, both ways, are non-stop. That will help reduce some anxiety. I’m trying to prepare for this vacation, so I want to try to lose a bit of weight. And the more important thing that I have to do is find a lab to get my weekly blood work done. I already found a pharmacy where I can get Clozapine, so the rest of it should be easy.

The Upside of Bipolar Disorder

When I’m having an extra rough day or so, like I am right now, I try to find the positive side of things. So I started thinking what (if any) is the upside of bipolar disorder? Productivity, creativity, hypomania (before it gets too far), and personal strength are all positive aspects of bipolar disorder. These are the first things that come to my mind, but I had to think hard to find them. For every one thing that is even slightly positive, there are several things that are difficult and unpleasant.

I’m more productive when I’m manic or hypomanic, but not at all when I’m depressed. I love the few days that I become hypomanic, but I know when to stop it so it doesn’t get too far into mania. My house gets a good deep cleaning when I become hypomanic. It’s the one time I don’t mind doing those annoying tasks.

Of course, it’s always said that there’s a huge connection between individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder and individuals who are extremely creative. My bachelors’ degree is in graphic design. I love decorating and organizing things. I’ve also been told that writing is creative. It’s important to remember that creativity comes in many forms.

Personal strength is hard to see, but I know it’s there. I’ve been told that I’m courageous, knowledgeable, compliant, and willing to help others. These characteristics have taken years to grow to what they are, and I still don’t see all of them. I do try to keep growing in any way I can. I also try to do it with as little complaining as possible, but that’s probably not going so well.

Even though it’s hard to see, there are some positives to being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. One other thing I know is that if I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar, I wouldn’t have some of the friends I have today. I have made several friends that I met in bipolar support groups, and I’m very grateful to them in my life.

Awake Again…Still

I’m here again on the couch, unable to sleep. This happened last night too, but I fell asleep after a couple of hours. Tonight, I’ve been trying to fall asleep for five hours with no luck. I don’t even have the heavy eyelids that I had yesterday. I consider that funny because all day long yesterday I could barely keep my eyes open and my body was hurting for some reason. Then the night comes, and all of that disappears. I’m wide awake. I figured I might as well do some writing.

I wonder why this is happening again. My Clozapine normally puts me to sleep within 20 minutes, I wonder why it’s not working the past couple nights. It normally works better than any sleeping medication I’ve ever been on. I have been dealing with more anxiety than normal. This is due to my gym workouts, going bowling (my husband and I enjoy going in the summer), my dog has another skin infection (it’s finally starting to improve), and dealing with a lot of bills. When it rains, it pours.

I don’t think I’m going to get any sleep tonight. Oh well, I’ll just have to deal with it for one night (hopefully that’s all it is). When I do finally fall asleep, I’m having very vivid dreams. I can remember the details. In one dream, I had kids. When I woke up, I realized that it wasn’t real and never will be.

Total and Permanent Disability (TPD) Discharge

A couple of months ago, someone told me about Total and Permanent Disability (TPD) Discharge. This was being done my the Department of Education and the Federal Student Aid Office. Basically, if you fit the requirements, then you can apply to have your student loans forgiven. I’m ecstatic about this. I have $48,000 in student loans, and all I can do is pay off the interest, which keeps building. I think this TPD program is amazing.

Normally, I don’t qualify for any programs that would help me out, but this time I do. The requirement that I fit is that I’m on Social Security Disability and I have been on it for at least 60 months. In fact, I have been on disability for 78 months, since December 2009. Wow, it’s been a while, I’m feeling fairly pitiful right now. Anyway, my psychiatrist filled out the physician’s certificate and I filled out the rest of the paperwork. I’ve been trying to get this done for two months now and I finally got myself to finish it. Hopefully, they accept my application. I’m considered totally and permanently disabled; maybe that can work in my favor.

Check out this program, maybe it can help some other people as well: TPD Discharge

Nelnet, Inc. Total and Permanent Disability (TPD) Discharge. Federal Student Aid. U.S. Department of Education, 2016. Web. 14 June 2016. <https://www.disabilitydischarge.com/>.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Month: June 2016