I’ve thought about taking some form of martial arts or self-defense class for the past couple months. I think it may make me feel a little safer in my life. It used to make me feel safe when I studied martial arts 12 years ago. It would also help me get in shape and be healthy. The only problem is that I’m too scared to do it on my own. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll probably think about it for approximately 3 months before doing something. I just want to feel empowered, I want to feel like I can take care of myself. I don’t want to be terrified for my life every time someone knocks on the door. I want to know that I can take my dog for a walk by myself and not feel threatened by others around me. I’m not sure if this will ever happen, but at least I know I’m thinking about it, which is the first step in the process.
I hate solicitation. It makes me uncomfortable and full of fear. My husband’s idea is to get a “No Solicitation” sign to put in the front yard, I think that’s a great idea. Normally, our dog scares people away (he’s an 88 pound Pitbull mix), but not this time. Our dog is a sweetheart, but his size and bark tends to frighten people. When I’m home alone, I freak out any time the doorbell rings or when the dog starts to bark. It’s extremely scary for me. Even when my husband is home, I still get nervous, just not as much. I used to keep a baseball bat by the door to make me feel more comfortable. Sometimes I carry a knife with me to help me feel secure.
Yesterday, some guy came by the house trying to sell Tupperware. I told the guy at the door that I didn’t have time, but he kept talking. I told him my husband would be home shortly (which was a lie), so the salesman said he’ll come back in a little bit when my husband gets home. I told him we don’t have time. He said he’ll try coming back next week. I told him I’m not interested, but he still wants to come by again. I have a hard time being direct with people in these types of situations, it feels like confrontation. I wish I could just tell solicitors that I don’t want whatever they are selling and not to come back.
My anxiety seems to be getting a little worse lately. I’ve been using more Valium than I normally do. I’m fearful of anything new, anything that I don’t know. For example, I haven’t gotten my hair cut in over a year because I don’t remember where I used to go. Anywhere I go would be new. Having someone behind me terrifies me no matter what they’re doing. I live close to a high school and an elementary school. At the end of the school day, there are always a few teenagers waiting for their rides by my front lawn. When that happens, I can’t go outside to get to my car. No matter what my plans are, I have to wait because I’m too afraid and anxious.
Crowds are a problem because people are all around and behind you. My husband makes it possible for me to do some things such as go to hockey games. I never lose sight of him, he stands behind me in lines so I feel safe, and holds my hand through the crowds. We have a system that works for us in any crowded situation, and he is wonderful about helping me. I’ve been pushing myself to do more such as going to a support group and going to stores I’ve never been to before. I just have to be careful not to overdo things.
I’ve made some changes to my blog today, just a couple of improvements. I was warned after I made the changes that they possibly could make it difficult for people to access my site. These difficulties could last up to a couple of days. If anyone has any issues, please contact me at email@example.com. I apologize in advance if there are any problems.
I went to the same support group last night; that’s three weeks in a row. I didn’t stay as long because I wanted to get home to my husband, who just had an epidural a couple hours before the group started. The first two times, I found some things to be frustrating about the group, but it was probably all of my fears since it was new to me. However, yesterday went really well. Nothing was frustrating. It was actually enjoyable. I think I will continue going back. I won’t be going next week because it is 3rd anniversary with my husband.
There’s another support group that’s somewhat close to me and I’ve been thinking about trying that one as well. I’m nervous about that because it’s new to me. But the one I go to now was new just a few weeks ago, and I made that one work.
I keep trying, over and over again. If it doesn’t work out the first time, I try again. Sometimes it may take me a while, but it’s important not to give up. This can extend to anything in life. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Right now, I’m just trying to get my medications right. In the past 6 months, I went on Clozapine slowly, I went off of Mirapex and then back on Mirapex, I went off of Deplin, and I also stopped doing ECT treatments. I’ve done almost everything my psychiatrist suggested. The only thing I haven’t tried is IV Ketamine; I’m leaving that as an absolute last resort. My emotional state goes up and down, but it hasn’t been healthy or steady for a very long time, probably about 7 or 8 years.
No matter how bad it gets, I never give up. I may not be happy to do certain treatments, but I try. I give each treatment enough time to work before deciding if it’s right for me or not. This time, I’m going to give the Mirapex another couple of weeks before deciding if I need to try something else, which would be IV Ketamine. The most important thing is that I don’t give up before the miracle happens.
I have what my psychiatrist calls, myoclonic jerks. Basically, it’s just a lot of twitching. My hands twitch the most, making it difficult to hold things. My arms/shoulders, legs, and head also twitch. It can make certain tasks difficult to do. When feeding the dog, I often drop the scoop of food before I get to the dog bowl, making a huge mess that luckily my dog is happy to clean up. I also drop things such as my phone and water bottles. It gets really annoying. I don’t drop as much if I hold things with both hands; it helps, but it’s not a complete solution.
I’ve been dealing with these twitches for a while now. It started out as just one hand, then another, then my arm, then the other arm, and now my legs. I’ve talked to my psychiatrist about this when it started. I should probably talk to him about it again and let him know that the twitching is getting worse. I see him in 3 weeks, but I could always email him to let him know. I also want to know if it’s possible for the myoclonic jerks to go away or will they continue to get worse?