Author: My Side of the Pole

I'm a 32 year old married woman who has been dealing with Bipolar disorder since the age of 14. This is all about my life, diagnoses, and treatments. If you have any questions, just ask me. I hope that others with Bipolar Disorder or PTSD can relate to my blog and find it helpful.

No More Bed Bugs

No More Bed Bugs

Finally, the bed bugs are gone! We’ve been trying to get rid of them for almost 3 months. We wrapped the mattress and its frame in black plastic and set them outside in the heat. Bed bugs can’t live in heat over 140 degrees. For 2 days, we put the wrapped mattress and frame outside when it was 110 degrees. The black plastic soaked in the sun and killed all the bed bugs. I didn’t want to say that we fixed it right away because I didn’t want to jinx it.

It feels so wonderful to finally be able to sleep in our own bed again. I slept on the couch for over a month. For the past few months, it felt like the bed bugs took over my life. Now, I finally took my life back.

Losing Weight

Losing Weight

I have another day filled with errands and stuff to do around the house. It does make the day go faster. I’m going to keep working out. I think I might even bring my Zumba DVDs to Cape Cod with me. I am losing weight, slowly but surely. I know how easy it is to fall back into bad eating habits. I have to remind myself that I can do this. I will reach my goal eventually. I think that if I keep a positive attitude towards weight loss, I will keep losing weight.

I Went To An Estate Sale

I Went To An Estate Sale

My back is feeling better from yesterday’s ECT treatment, which I’m very grateful for. I decided I could go on with my day of doing errands, cleaning up the house, and working out. I started with short Zumba video. They’re pretty fun and they work very well. My husband called while I was in the middle of the video to tell me about an estate sale just up the road that he really wanted me to go to. We’re looking for some bedroom furniture, especially nightstands. Some of our stuff broke during the move.

I felt pressured into going, so I told him I wasn’t sure if I could make it. To be honest, I was saying that so I had out. I was terrified at the thought of going. There were going to be so many people in one small house (a house and people who I don’t even know at all), I just wasn’t sure if I could do it. I took a Valium and did some stuff around the house, waiting for it to kick in. Finally, it started working. I drove over to the estate sale and parked out-of-the-way. I stayed in my car for a while, but eventually I went in.

I looked around everywhere and tried to be polite to the people I passed. This whole situation was overwhelming, especially since I didn’t end up buying anything. However, I did it, I went by myself. That’s a huge step for me. I thought my heart was going to explode the entire time, but I made it through!

Difficulties At ECT Today

I had another ECT treatment today. I restarted ECT in February of this year, and since then I think I’ve had 20 treatments. That does not include the first time I did ECT, which was in 2015. While the treatment does help me, it also destroys my memory.

Today’s treatment left me in quite a bit of pain. My husband says it’s always like that, but I can never remember (which is probably a good thing). The anesthesiologist had a hard time getting my IV in. He put it in my wrist, which does not feel good, but he had some problems and it ended up bleeding all over the place. He finally got it in my arm, which did not hurt. I hope he won’t continue to put the IV in my wrist after today’s mess.

My wrist continues to hurt from him digging around trying to find a vein. There’s a big bump there, hopefully that will go away soon. I only have one more ECT treatment before I go on vacation with my mom. It’s nice to have something to look forward to.

 

Yesterday’s Anxiety Attack

Yesterday’s Anxiety Attack

I had a rough day yesterday. I was stressed and my anxiety level was very high. I was able to keep myself from having a panic attack, but the anxiety attack was still pretty rough. The Valium helped. I also used some breathing techniques, just simple breathing in and out, not too fast and not too slow. The breathing helps me stay calm and focusing on it also helps me forget what I’m anxious about, even if it’s just for a minute or two.

Today seems like a better day. I have a normal amount of anxiety. I’m more frustrated than anything else, and I don’t really know why. I generally don’t know why I feel the way I do. I’m going to go get a bunch of stuff done. Being productive often makes me feel better.

Storm Damage

Storm Damage

Yesterday’s monsoon was gigantic. The rain at my house lasted more than 30 minutes, and that’s very abnormal. This morning, I woke up to find out that yesterday’s winds took down a lot of trees in our area. Roads were closed all around us due to downed pine trees. It’s a bit nerve-wracking having all of that storm damage so close to our new house. Trees fell a few streets west of us, a few streets north of us, and just a couple blocks south. I feel extremely grateful that our property is okay and my husband made it home safe from work (I get so nervous when he has to drive during a storm).

Luckily, Achilles doesn’t really care about storms. In fact, he doesn’t react to them at all. Yesterday, the winds were banging up against the sides of the house so much that it was making a lot of noise, more noise than during a normal storm. The monsoon was scaring me, but not Achilles. I was home by myself with Achilles as my protector.

We might get another storm this evening. Right now, the sky is blue and the sun is shining, but that could change in a matter of minutes. It’s going to be like this for the next couple of months, that’s why they call it ‘Monsoon Season’.

Struggling

Struggling

I have difficulty with a lot of things. I have an extremely hard time saying no to people. I struggle to stand up for myself. Even when someone asks me what I want to do, I have a hard time answering them. I would rather do something I don’t want to do and be unhappy (without saying I’m unhappy, of course) that tell someone what I really want. Life feels like a giant problem, as if it’s an obstacle I may never complete, but I’m not giving up.

My ex, from before I got sober, was very abusive. I suppose that it just became second nature to do whatever he wanted. I would never dare to say no to him; I knew what the punishment would be if I didn’t behave properly. Even though he’s gone, I still react that way. I want to stop putting others before myself, but I haven’t been able to. Reacting the way I do is a force of habit. It has nothing to do with the people I’m with today, such as my husband, family, or friends; it has everything to do with me.

I Don’t Know How I Feel

I Don’t Know How I Feel

I’m curious if others experience this same issue. When someone asks me how I’m doing, or what’s wrong, I don’t know how to answer them. I know I don’t feel right, but I have no clue what’s wrong. I’m not sure if this is a normal for others that have bipolar disorder. Maybe this is a result of the ECT.

Does anyone else have this same issue? If so, how do you deal with it?

 

 

The Start of Monsoon Season

The Start of Monsoon Season

Monsoon season has officially begun! It normally starts one week into July and end in mid-September. This year, Monsoon season started a bit later, but it made a grand appearance. Yesterday was the first monsoon of the season. It moved fast across the valley, lasting for only about 5 minutes at our house around 6:45pm. The winds were monumental and it was pouring rain. My back yard was flooded in just a matter of minutes (it’s all soaked now). We’re lucky that none of our tree branches came down. There was no damage to any of our property.

Achilles did great during the monsoon. He barely had a reaction to the noise that came from the winds hitting the house and trees. The only thing he did was come close to us for minute to feel secure, then he went and laid down in his bed.

What’s Happening Today

What’s Happening Today

Today has gone by a lot quicker than I expected. I had a lot to do today, and of course, none of it was fun. I had to pay a bunch of bills and do a whole lot of chores around the house.

Yesterday, I took Achilles to the vet for a wellness visit. Some of his vaccinations needed a second dose. However, when the vet was doing the physical exam, Achilles snapped at her. I’ve never seen him do anything like that. He must have been having an off day. However, from now on, every time he goes to the vet he will have to wear a muzzle. Achilles hasn’t snapped at anyone since that one time yesterday, and hopefully it stays that way. I had to fill out an insurance claim form for Achilles. Getting the claim together is a pain in the ass, but it’s worth it. This claim will probably have us meet our yearly deductible, but that means that we will get refunded for the next claim.

Just now, it started pouring rain heavily. Apparently it’s the first monsoon of the season. The winds are extremely strong and the rain is coming down in buckets. I’m not sure how long this storm will last, but I’m grateful that both me and my husband can stay home. We’re lucky that we don’t have to go anywhere or do anything tonight. The picture for this post is one that I took looking out a back window in our new house.