Time With My Granddaughter

Last night, my step daughter invited me and my husband over for dinner. We were both really excited because it meant that we would get to spend time with our granddaughter, who is almost 8 months old. Sometimes, I have a difficult time getting into ‘play time mode’ with her. My emotions take over and I often can’t help but feel sad because I can’t have children of my own. Of course, it is sad that I cannot have children, but it was a choice I made because I felt (and still feel) that it was the right thing to do. However, I do not want my emotions to get in the way of my relationship with my granddaughter or either of my grown step-kids.

Well, last night was different. It took me a little while to get into the swing of things, but after about 30 minutes, I was able to play with her. I could act goofy, play peek-a-boo, and play tickle monster with her. It felt amazing. She started to laugh for and at me. Simply seeing the joy on her face and watching her smile made my heart fill with delight. The fact that I could make her laugh and smile was breathtaking and I can’t wait to see her again. Plus, I continue to get closer with my step-daughter and her boyfriend. Watching the two of them become responsible adults is so wonderful; I can’t even imagine how great it must feel for my husband to watch them grow into mature and reliable adults.

After my husband and I got home, I started shopping online for clothes and toys to give to our granddaughter. I enjoy the shopping. In fact, I’ve tried to explain to my husband that the shopping is more for me than for her. Now, I just have to wait until I see my granddaughter again in one or two weeks. However, I will get to see my step-son in the next couple days, which is also exciting. I love my family and they do bring me so much joy. They can bring me temporary joy, but the depression is still there. At least they give me a break from it.

Clozapine Side Effects

Today marks 6 weeks that I have been on Clozapine. My psychiatrist has been increasing the dose slowly. I have only been at my current dose of 200 mg a night for 2 weeks. This is the dose that my psychiatrist wants me on until we get the results of my Clozapine level from this upcoming blood work. Things were going just fine, until the past several days. There’s always some sort of problem with me and medications, it can never simply work.

One thing I noticed is that I’m starting to slur my words and sometimes I just have a hard time saying certain words, usually words that have several ‘s’ sounds strung together in a row. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it’s very frustrating. I feel like a little kid again with the speech impediment I had until I reached 3rd grade. I first noticed it happening about 3 or 4 days after increasing my dose to 200 mg. My initial thought was that it could be due to the Valium or Percocet. I paid close attention making sure that the slurred speech was still occurring even when I had not taken any Valium or Percocet.

Over the past few days, I noticed another side effect, drooling. It only happens when I’m sleeping, but it gets so bad that my pillow is soaked. Sorry, I know it’s gross, but it’s been happening for about 4 days now. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and then I have nowhere to lay my head down when I try to go back to sleep. I did some research, and it turns out that drooling is a regular side effect of Clozapine. The slurred speech is also a known side effect, but it’s not very common. I wish I could fix the fact that I tend to get so many side effects from medications. I wonder if it’s because of my Ashkenazi genes.

I told my psychiatrist about these side effects. He said that we can discuss options regarding the drooling the next time I see him, which is on Wednesday. That sounds promising, at least there are options. However, he said that if the slurred speech continues or increases, then I would most likely have to reduce or get off the Clozapine. I’m not happy with that option. There’s nothing I can do about it now. If I do end up having to get off the Clozapine, then I’m sure there is a very good reason for it. Now, I just wait and see…

Who Am I?

I’ve been wondering lately, who am I? I know a lot of different things that are a part of me, but they’re not who I am. For example, I’m a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a dog owner. I have bipolar disorder and PTSD; these things are also a part of me. I like things to be neat and clean, I like to eat and to cook, and I love family. All of these things are a part of me, but none of them are who I am.

Maybe I’m like a puzzle; each of those things is one puzzle piece. When you put them all together in just the right way, you complete the puzzle and find out who you are. My only problem is that I don’t know where all of my puzzle pieces are. I don’t know most of the activities I enjoy and the things I don’t like. I have a lot of memory loss, making it difficult for me to know any of these things about myself. There’s so much of my past that I don’t remember, how could I ever know who I really am now? My past is a huge part of me, not all of me, and I’m missing so many of those memories.

I suppose that who I am is made up of my past and my present. Every little and big thing about me is a puzzle piece. My bipolar puzzle piece is no bigger or smaller than any of the other pieces; it’s a part of who I am, just like every other piece. I just wish I knew what the final puzzle looked like. Until then, all I know is that I’m not just one thing, I’m many things. I’m made up of so many things, positive, negative, and indifferent.

I’m Not Always Positive, But I’m Always Grateful

I talk a lot about staying positive and how positive thinking is beneficial. Sometimes I feel like a fraud when I talk about being positive because it’s not how I naturally feel. My mind almost always goes to the negative side instinctively. Some people are naturally positive, and others are not. For me, it takes a lot of work to be positive, most of the time I’m faking my positivity. There’s a catch phrase that says, “Fake it ’til you make it.” That’s what I’m doing most of the time. I try to talk and write positively in hopes that eventually I’ll end up believing my own words. Sometimes, when I’m dealing with an anxiety provoking situation, I tell myself over and over, “I can do this.” Even though I don’t necessarily believe myself, it gets my brain to start thinking about something other than what is scaring me. It almost always ends up working out okay. That specific strategy helped me while at the airport, which is a huge anxiety trigger for me.

Lately, I’ve been seeing the negative side of everything. I will vent for a little while, and when I’m done, it turns out that I’ve talked myself through the negativity and into positivity. Even though my mind sees more negative things than positive things, at least I see some positive things. I may start out venting, being angry, and negative; however, it helps that I’m able to end my thoughts on a positive note.

I may not always be positive, but I am grateful. Even though my life has been difficult, it could always be worse. I try to remain grateful for at least one thing, no matter how difficult life gets. Gratitude can seem impossible, but there is always something to be grateful for. For example, despite the difficulty I’ve experienced over the past many years, I still have my sobriety. I’m also extremely lucky to have a family that accepts me and does their best to understand my bipolar disorder. That is more than many other people have. No matter how bad life gets, I can always fall back on these things that I’m grateful for. It’s been very helpful for me to have these things I know I’m always grateful for; my loved ones can remind me of them when I forget.

Lonely From The Inside

So many people think of loneliness as something that’s felt when we’re alone. However, that’s not always the case, especially for those dealing with mental health issues. For me, the worst part of feeling lonely is when I’m with people, especially people I care for, and still feel lonely. It’s a feeling deep in your heart and your gut; it’s an emptiness that can’t be filled. When I’m around others and still feel this loneliness, it can somewhat feels like a rejection; as if the person/people I’m with don’t want me. That’s not what’s actually happening; it’s just my perception of things based off of my emotional state at the time.

When I’m dealing with this loneliness, I often feel better when I’m alone. Right now, I’m alone, which means the loneliness isn’t as bad as it can get, but it’s still there. I’ve been coloring in my adult coloring books for a couple of hours today. It does take my mind off of things, but when I stop, the loneliness floods back in. That’s when I decided to try writing about it. Blogging has been very therapeutic for me; at the very least, I thought it couldn’t hurt. Being able to put my emotions into words is helpful for some reason. I wish I knew how long this would last or had ways to get past it. For now, I just want to get through another day.

Setting Boundaries

It is important for every individual to set boundaries; it is how people take care of themselves. Setting boundaries is a healthy way to build and maintain relationships with ourselves and with others. Just because it’s healthy, doesn’t make it easy. In fact, setting boundaries is one of my most difficult tasks. In fact, it’s something that I usually fail at doing. I don’t really ever say “no” to others. My automatic answer is always “yes”, even when I practice saying “no” and other similar responses. I don’t know if this is because I’m a people pleaser or because I’m scared to turn someone down, although those reasons seem to be related. I’ve been practicing saying “no” to people when they ask me something. This doesn’t mean I should turn people down all the time; I just need to find balance between saying “yes” and “no”. The following are techniques I use to work toward setting healthy boundaries in my life:

Know your comfort level. The first step to setting boundaries is to know what you are and are not willing to do. You have to know your own limits, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Knowing yourself and what stresses you out will allow you to know what boundaries to set.
Practice, practice, practice. I practice saying “no” and giving other responses to questions I know someone is about to ask me. I practice having multiple answers to a question or situation.
Ask for help. I usually ask my mom or my husband to help me determine how to respond to certain situations. My mom helps me practice my responses. It’s not often that I am able to set a boundary, but when I did a couple of weeks ago, I was so proud of myself and couldn’t wait to share it with my mom; she was excited and proud of me. Asking for help is not a weakness; it helps us become stronger.
Begin small. When you start small, it can either be with a simple boundary or by setting a boundary with someone you’re comfortable with. Some boundaries can be as simple as stating what you want; I’m not good at doing that either, but I’m working on it.
Long explanations are not necessary. For example, if someone asks you out to lunch, it’s okay to just say, “I can’t make it, I’m busy then, but thank you for the offer.” The more intricate your reasoning is, the more questionable it appears. There is no need to justify yourself to everyone. You should be comfortable with your response, but you don’t have to make sure everyone else is okay with it.
Stand by your boundaries. Once we finally set boundaries, we need to stand by our decisions. It’s important, but not easy, to stand up for ourselves. I’m still working on it, but eventually I’ll get there.
Stay positive. This is something that is extremely difficult; it’s easier said than done. The first step is to stay away from negative people. When someone you’re with is negative, it’s okay to ask them to change the subject. Walking away is also okay. Our minds go negative so easily, so every time I’m negative, I try to find at least one positive thing.
Put yourself first. Remember, you are important. Your wants and needs are significant. I often don’t stick to my boundaries because I feel guilty or shameful. However, I’ve found out that there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first. It’s part of taking care of you.

These techniques have been very helpful to me. Setting boundaries is probably one of the things I struggle with the most. I’ve gotten better at it, somewhat, but I still need a lot of practice. I’ll get better with time. In this past two month, I’ve said “no” twice, that’s huge for me.

I Feel Like Two Different People

I often feel like I’m two different people. This is the ‘pretend’ or ‘fake’ person. It’s not that I’m being fake, I’m just holding back. I’m one person when I’m around people I trust, such as my husband and my mom. I can fake being okay and my paranoia, anxiety, and fears decrease. This is the person that I make up; the person I let others see. I can also be this person around other people such as family members and friends. It’s just harder for me to keep up this person. But for some reason, I always feel like I need to put on this other persona. I don’t exactly know why, especially with the people I trust the most. Maybe, I’m just trying to give myself a break from the other person that I am; allowing myself to release some of my anxiety and paranoia. I usually need the help of Valium to do this with people other than my husband and mom.

Then, there’s this second person, the real me. I’m the person who jumps at every little noise. This is the person who sometimes keeps a baseball bat by the door and keeps a knife in my pocket when out for a walk, just in case. My paranoia increases when I’m alone. I have more auditory hallucinations when I’m by myself, although I’m learning to tell which things I hear are real and which are hallucinations. When I leave the house by myself, I’m constantly looking around, especially behind me, so I can see everything that’s happening. I never want to be caught off guard. I rarely ever take anti-anxiety medication when I’m by myself in my house. I prefer to use it when I leave my house or when I with others, that way I can be that other ‘pretend’ person.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel safe again when I’m by myself. Despite the fact that I’m pretending when I’m around others, I do feel safer than I feel when I’m alone. I feel like two different people. Each ‘person’ comes naturally. People I trust tell me I don’t have to pretend to be anyone or anything, but it just happens. For some reason, I don’t feel like I have control over which person appears, it’s just instinctive. Does anyone else have this issue or feel this way?

Home Maintenance Means Strangers In My House

While I was away visiting my family, I get a phone call from my husband telling me that the ceiling fan and garbage disposal stopped working. Of course it had to happen when I was gone, but I put in a maintenance request (we rent this house) and then had to wait. The maintenance man called a couple of days ago and scheduled an appointment to come over yesterday. I wasn’t too worried about it because my husband was going to be home with me. However, it’s still difficult for me to have a stranger in the house. My anxiety tends to skyrocket when there are people in my house I don’t know. I have my husband and my dog (who looks mean but is far from it) to make me feel safe and protect me.

Of course, it can’t be just one problem at a time. Apparently, while I was gone, all of the television shows we record on local channels won’t play. It gives an error message saying that there is no audio or video available. The weird part is that all of our other channels had no issues at all. I called DirecTV and they were very polite on the phone. Their technical support staff did all they could, but were unable to fix the issue, so they are sending someone out here today. I’m happy to have them come fix the issue, and it’s great that they can do it so quickly, but that means another person in my house.

I’m really hoping that my husband will still be home when they get here, but it’s a four-hour window when they will arrive. My husband will probably have to go to work at some point during that window. When he’s home, I’m much more calm. When he’s gone, my anxiety goes through the roof, especially when someone knocks on the door or when the dog starts barking, usually for no reason. I wish I was able to feel safe. I’m pretty sure that I am safe; I just don’t feel like I am. Safety, for me, is a feeling that must come from inside. The best way for me to start feeling safe is by continuously telling myself, ‘I can do this’.

Zone Meal Plan

In the past 6 months, I have gained 32.5 pounds. Bipolar weight gain is terrible and extremely difficult to control. The weight gain began when I was in the midst of yet another depression, before I started taking Clozapine. Then, during the first couple weeks on Clozapine, I noticed that my hunger was never-ending and as a result, my weight was increasing even more. It was one thing when it was just 10 pounds, but now it’s more than 30. I have been through many depressive episodes, and I’ve gained weight during each of them. The largest amount of weight I gained during a depressive period was 80 pounds; that was when I was taking Risperdal. I will never take that medication again. During most of my other depressive episodes, I gained somewhere between 40 and 60 pounds. I always manage to lose the weight and get back in shape; I even keep the weight off, as long as I’m not in a major depression.

I decided, while I was on vacation, that I would start a new food plan when I returned. My husband said he wants to lose weight as well. It always helps to have another person in the house eating healthy and exercising. I have decided to go back on a zone (block) food plan from CrossFit, which I was given several years ago from my personal trainer at the time. It requires a lot of measuring and weighing. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are all 3 block meals, and both of my snacks are 2 blocks each. After a couple of weeks, I will lower my snacks to 1 block each. I just want to give myself time to get used to eating on a schedule again. I think that starting with 2 block snacks will give me a bigger chance for success. If anyone is curious about the CrossFit Meal Plan, just follow this link, Crossfit Meal Plan PDF. The document explains what a zone meal plan is, what blocks are, it has a block chart showing what foods are worth, and example meal plans.

The meals are plenty for me to eat and they taste good; I’m not hungry. I still want to eat, but that’s just because I always want to eat. I eat compulsively; I overeat pretty much all the time. I wonder how long I’ll be able to follow the plan without overeating. Once I eat off my meal plan, the rest of the day is doomed. My mind doesn’t work right in so many ways, and food is one of those ways. I’m particularly proud of myself for choosing to start this meal plan. I really hope I stick with it and follow through. It’s a sign that my depression could be improving. I still feel depressed and have suicidal ideations, but even the smallest improvement can make a huge difference. My husband suggested that we work out together; he used to be my workout partner years ago, and we had a lot of fun. It sounds like a great idea; I just have to figure out how to manage my anxiety. Plus, I should probably only do one thing at a time; maybe I should wait until I’ve been on the new food plan for a couple of weeks before adding in a workout at the gym.

“Better to have, and not need, than to need, and not have.” – Franz Kafka

My favorite quote comes from Franz Kafka, possibly from his book, “The Metamorphosis”, but it could have been from another one of his works. I’m not positive that it’s originally from him or not, but that’s as far back as I can trace it. Kafka said, “Better to have, and not need, than to need, and not have.” I actually try to live my life based off of this quote. I’m not sure exactly what the quote was originally meant to explain. To me, it means to plan and be prepared for life, because anything can happen at any time. It’s important to always be prepared for any situation. For example, I don’t always know how long I’m going to be out, so it’s best to bring my medications with me just in case. I also take pain medication and see my doctor every 3 weeks for treatment. Sometimes, I get a refill on my pain meds before I’m out, because I don’t want to run out before I see her again. It’s better to have them and not need them, than need them and not have them. I can apply this quote to just about any aspect of my life. Being prepared, in my opinion, is always helpful.

The quote is popular it was even made into a song called, “It’s better to have, and don’t need” sung by many different artists including Don Covay, Huey Lewis & The News, Barbara Lynn, Sam Moore & Bruce Springsteen to name a few. I can see than many people interpret this quote to be about protecting oneself. For me, the quote can mean something as simple as remembering to grab my keys when I leave the house, just in case my husband doesn’t have his. This quote reminds me to be prepared in every aspect of my life, which is something I struggle with, especially when I’m dealing with depression.

Franz Kafka (1883 – 1824) is from Prague; he was a German speaking novelist and also wrote many short stories. I had to read a lot of his works throughout college, and I actually enjoyed them, at least the parts that I understood. I’m curious what this quote means to others people. How do you feel about it? How can/do you apply it to your own life?

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Author: My Side of the Pole