Exhaustion

I’m so overly tired the past couple of days. When I’m watching TV, I tend to fall asleep on the couch for hours. Yesterday, I fell asleep for 1 1/2 hours on the couch. I woke up, did a few things, and then fell back asleep for another 2 hours. Then, I slept for 8 hours through the night. I feel like I could sleep for 16 hours a day. I think that my medications might be one of the reasons I’m so tired, although none of my meds have changed. The other reason is because of all the stress.

I try to keep moving. When I’m moving, I can’t fall asleep. I’ve tried to drink energy drinks, but those only seem to last for about an hour or so. I don’t drink coffee, but maybe I should start.

Treating Situational Depression

I had another session of ECT last week. My doctor, Dr Espinoza, asked me again if I wanted to switch to once a week instead of once every other week. When I turned him down on that option, he asked me I had any interest in IV Ketamine. I turned that option down very quickly. I know IV Ketamine is a lot different from using Ketamine to get high, but it brings back memories. I told him why I’m so against IV Ketamine. The last time I used it to get high, I ended up cheating on my boyfriend (he asked me to marry him; I’m sure we would have gone through with it, but I doubt that it would have lasted; that’s just how it goes with relationships based on drugs). Then, less than 24 hours after I got home, the cops were at my door to question me. My boyfriend/fiance was killed in a drug deal gone bad. I don’t want to remind myself of that horrible event and the many others that I went through while on drugs.

I’m not doing too much better, but there has been improvement since my last two ECT treatments. I explained to Dr Espinoza that I got a new dog and I think he will be helping me get through this rough time. I’ve been thinking about it all day and I’ve decided that if I don’t improve enough within the next four weeks, then I will go back to weekly ECT treatments. Hopefully that doesn’t have to happen.

Things Are Improving; Feeling Better

I’m feeling better about taking care of my husband. Just a day or two ago, I was all stressed out and worried about not knowing what’s wrong with my husband and about being the one to take care of him. I was worried that I couldn’t take care of him well enough. However, with the help of some of my followers and my family, I now know that I can take care of. My job is not to diagnose him or fix him. My job is to love him, take care of him, and make sure he complies with doctor’s orders. It may not be an easy task, but it is something I can do. I want to thank everyone that helped me to feel better about this situation, I couldn’t have done this without you.

On another story, last night, we had Achilles sleep in our bedroom, in his crate, and it went very well. He didn’t make one noise, he slept soundly. We are going to continue having him sleep in our bedroom, in his crate, for a while, until he gets more comfortable in our home. I’m afraid that if we have him sleep in our room, outside of his crate, we’ll trip over him when we get up. He definitely has separation anxiety.

Achilles Got Sick In The House

I have been sleeping on the couch for the past couple of weeks. I didn’t want to leave Achilles alone in the living room. He’s not allowed on the furniture (we put pie plates up on the couch to keep him off of it). Two nights ago, he jumped up on the couch, despite the pie plates, and woke me up. We decided that he would have to sleep in the crate.

Last night, he slept in his crate and I slept in my bed for the first time in two weeks. I woke up at 4:30am and let him out because he was making a lot of noise. I decided to use the bathroom and then I would let him outside. When I came out of the bathroom, he had gotten sick all over the carpet. So I’ve spent most of my morning cleaning up the white carpet. It’s not an easy task.

Feeling Useless; I’ve Felt Like This Before

The past few days have been pretty rough. My husband hasn’t been feeling well, and we don’t know what’s wrong. At first, we thought it was just the flu. Some blood work came back, and we’re afraid it may be an autoimmune disease, liver disease, or something else more serious. So now, we’re waiting for more blood test results. I hate waiting.

The past few days have been hard for me, even though I’m not the one that’s ill. I keep trying to find ways to help my husband feel better, but there’s nothing that I can do to help. It reminds me of when I was a kid. My dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was 12 or 13. He was pretty sick fairly often, especially from chemo and dialysis. I remember hanging around my dad when he was sick and feeling completely useless. He wasn’t feeling well and there was nothing I could do to help. That same feeling is coming back now. My husband isn’t feeling well, and nothing I do is helping.

Acting As If You’re Okay

Do you ever feel like you need to act as if you are “okay”? Most of us have people in our lives that understand and support us, but there are also people who don’t get it and don’t care to. For example, at my last job, it took a lot of effort to keep my mental health a secret. I’m not ashamed of my mental health, but I didn’t want to spend time trying to explain it to people and I don’t want people to look at me differently.

There are also a lot of people who don’t consider depression, mania, or other mental health issues to be a “real” problem. Some people think that if you can’t see it, it’s not a real issue. Well, I have learned that issue is their problem. I’m lucky to have the support and understanding from family and friends. My friends are those from my previous support group. We shouldn’t have to pretend we are okay when we’re not. That’s what our friends and family are there for.

Productivity

Yesterday was an extremely productive day. I got everything done on my to-do list by 3pm. I even had time to do extra tasks. I probably should have given myself a break, but I felt that I should continue my productivity since I had the energy. Today is going to be a day where I get to rest a lot. I have another ECT treatment at 9:45am. I’ll probably be home by 11am and I’ll get to take a nap. Then, my husband and I meet his father for a late lunch date. I plan on getting as much rest as possible tomorrow.

I spent a good amount of time with Achilles yesterday. We cuddled on the floor, played catch inside, and went on a nice long walk at night (as always). He really seems to be settling into his new home. He’s getting used to his new schedule, he’s taking all of his medication like a champ, he’s getting healthier, and he’s getting stronger. Having Achilles around gives me a reason to get up. I feel lucky to have him as the newest part of my family.

Stressed and Overwhelmed

As my days continue to go on, I sit here wondering if and when they will end. Life is exhausting and is often too much for me to handle. I honestly wonder how I make it through all of the “events” and each individual “crisis”. Today, I was so overwhelmed when a company said they didn’t have us scheduled for an appointment, even though the technician wrote down our appointment for us. I was so overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and stressed that I started crying. Apparently, when I get to my breaking point, I end up crying (which I hate doing). I was able to manage the situation on my own (that’s a big deal for me). I spoke to the manager and was able to have someone keep the appointment and come out today.

In my life, there seems to be one problem after another, and another, and another, and so on. I just want a break; a few days, strung together, where problems don’t keep arising. I guess I just have to do my best to go with the flow.

All of these problems that have been coming up have been causing my blood pressure to rise. By taking in deep breaths, I was able to bring my blood pressure down 10 points, down to 146/102. For some reason, the physician’s assistant to me that I need to work on lowering my blood pressure. She told me that I need to relax. I couldn’t believe it! Was she kidding me or was she just completely ignorant? She knew all of my diagnoses. Telling someone to “just relax” is absurd. Anyway, I’m trying to bring my blood pressure down, hopefully it will work even the slightest bit.

Went Away For A Day

My husband and I went away for a day (almost a day, it was more like 20 hours). My brother-in-law stayed at our house with Achilles. The two of them had a great time together while we were gone.

We went to Flagstaff to go to part of the 2017 Flagstaff AA Roundup. The idea of going was much more exciting a few weeks ago. The closer it got to actually going to the event, the worse my anxiety got. We went Saturday night only for a couple of hours. I took Valium, and it didn’t even reduce my anxiety the slightest bit. I pushed myself and made myself stay for a couple of hours. I’m glad I did, but at the same time I know that I probably pushed myself too far because my anxiety is still hanging around.

Then on Sunday morning, we went to the Arizona Snowbowl, which is a scenic ski lift. It was beautiful. When we reached the top, it was 11,500 feet elevation. The view was amazingly beautiful. After that, we drove home. I was so happy to see Achilles when we got home. Our trip wasn’t much. It didn’t last long, but something is better than nothing. It’s important to get away every once in a while, even if it’s just for a day.

Therapy Dog

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. We had a family get-together at his mother’s house to celebrate. There were 12 people there, two of which were kids. We brought Achilles with us because we didn’t want to leave him home alone. Everyone absolutely loved him! All he did was lay down, sleep, and give people kisses. He is the most mellow dog I have ever known.

I’m actually thinking about seeing if I can register him as a Therapy Dog. I’m not sure what kind of therapy dog would help me the most; maybe an ESA, Emotional Support Animal, or a Psychiatric Service Dog. He would be great at it, and I think it would really help me reduce my anxiety to a manageable level, possibly. It’s something that I’m going to talk to my therapist and psychiatrist about the next time I see both/either of them.

The Psychiatric Service Dog seems like it would be more helpful for me. This type of service dog can help people with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and I am diagnosed with all of those issues. For example, the service dog can create a physical barrier between the owner and others around them, providing the owner with more personal space. The service dog could help me get out of the house more often. These are things that my husband does for me to get me out of the house. Having a dog capable of those things could really get me out into the world.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Author: My Side of the Pole