Still Holding On: Getting Things Done

I’m still trying to hold on for dear life. My psychiatrist will be back from vacation next week, so I really just need to make it through this weekend. I can do that. I have a lot on my mind, maybe it will distract me from my own depression. I’m doing the best I can not to let my weight gain get the best of me. I’m still working out, I just finished a 50 minute Zumba video. I’m also doing the best I can with my food, but it can be hard when your meds cause you to be uncontrollably hungry.

I made a plan for myself so I can get through not only this next week, but this next month.

Continue to work out at least 5 times a week.
Stay in contact with friends and family.
Plan and cook healthy meals.
Find all of the shirts and skirts that fit me and put everything else away for now. (It really sucks trying to fit into clothes that are too small every day.)
Contact my psychiatrist next week and begin with his suggestions.

I can do this. Even if I’m doing it while crying, I’m still doing it. The other day, someone asked me how do I do things when I’m so overwhelmed and depressed. The only answer I could think of, was that I just do it. I just do whatever it is that needs to get done. That’s not really a good answer, but I guess I don’t know how I do some of the things I do. I think I stuff my emotions in the moment and then let them all burst later, when I’m at home. It may not be the healthiest way to get things done, but it’s what I know how to do right now.

Holding On For Dear Life

Right now, I am holding on with all I’ve got. The Clozapine has caused a huge weight gain. I’ve gained more than 30 pounds in 3 months. It doesn’t matter how much I workout or what I eat, I just keep gaining weight. I know I made a committment to keep trying Clozapine until I reach my goal dose of 400 mg. I still have another month of dosage increases until I get to my goal. When I say I’m going to do something, I mean it. I want to hold myself to my committment. However, it’s easier said than done.

I told my psychiatrist about the weight gain. He told me that there are some measures we can take. However, he is on vacation, so I have to wait until next week. So I know that there is something that could possibly help with my weight gain, but I have to wait another week. I understand that everyone is entitled to go on vacation, but waiting even another day is extremely hard, a week is close to impossible. But somehow, someway, I will do it.

The problem with going off of Clozapine, is that there aren’t many other options for me. I’ve already tried ECT for over a year. I don’t want to do IV Ketamine because the thought of dissociation is terrifying for me. I’ve taken so many medications, there aren’t many options left. I keep questioning my future since my treatment options are getting fewer and fewer. This is when I really rely on my friends and family. So far, I have been shown nothing but love and support. I can do this; I can get through this. That’s what I need to keep telling myself.

Depression Improvements

For me, there are different degrees of severity to my depression. I can only speak for myself, I don’t know if other people experience these levels of depression as well. My depression is getting better, hopefully because of the Clozapine. If that’s true, then the dosage increase should help even more. When I’m really deep into a depression, dealing with the worst of it all, I can barely get myself to get up out of bed or off the couch. I struggle with personal hygiene, I gain weight, I don’t care about things that are normally important to me, and it’s even difficult to feed my dog. Sometimes I cry uncontrollably, other times I’m just crying on the inside. I distance myself from my friends; I stop calling and visiting them. I also stop reaching out to everyone. There are times that I’m not able to express my emotions. For example, I will see a funny movie, I will think it is funny, but I’m unable to laugh. That is really hard to deal with. When my depression is at its worst, I can’t push myself through it no matter how hard I try. I’ve also been struggling with suicidal ideations for many months. It’s always there in the back of my mind.

Right now, it feels as if my depression has begun to improve. I still struggle with personal hygiene, weight gain, expressing my emotions at times, and reaching out to some people. However, I do recognize my improvements. I have been able to reach out to certain friends and even take the time to visit them. Taking care of my dog is no longer an issue. There are times when I still struggle to express emotions, but the fact that I am able to laugh at times is great. The fact that I am able to push myself to do things is a huge improvement. Even though certain things are hard, I have the ability to push myself to do them. It’s better than it was a little while ago when I couldn’t do anything no matter how hard I tried. It’s a big deal that I can notice these improvements. The suicidal ideations are still in the back of my mind, but the thoughts are there a lot less. Those feelings are no longer my first ideas.

I finally have some hope. I do think it’s possible that I can be genuinely happy again one day; I’m just waiting for that day to come. I must have some patience, maybe a lot of patience, but it will happen. I believe that I will have lots of ups and downs throughout my life. This depression is not the end of everything for me.

My Wellness Toolbox

A wellness toolbox is a list of any and all of the tools that an individual has found to be helpful from their own personal life experience. Everyone’s wellness toolbox is different because they are based on personal experience. A wellness toolbox can be edited as you learn new helpful tools and/or cross of ones that no longer work for you. My wellness toolbox contains the following tools:

Blog
Clean the house
Talk to or meet up with a friend
Cook (organize ingredients and make a whole meal)
Listen to Jennifer’s Rabbit by Tom Paxton (a song from my childhood)
Take the dog for a walk
Call friends from support groups
Organize anything I can find
Play the piano
Workout and eat healthy
Go to therapy or a support group
Watch old family videos
Look through old photos
Avoid caffeine
Light candles that smell good
Stay away from crowds
Watch a funny video or movie
Color in my adult coloring books

I have done several of the things in my wellness toolbox, so at least I know I’m on the right track. I’m also planning on cooking tonight, so that’s another thing I’m doing for myself. There are some things I’ve tried, but wasn’t able to do, such as coloring. I tried but couldn’t do it for some reason. I guess I’ll try it again a little later.

This is the reason I completed the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP), to help me and my loved ones when I’m struggling with either mania or depression. I’ve already found it useful. I’ve even added something to my toolbox; the coloring is a new tool. I will keep my wellness toolbox handy so I can reference it whenever necessary.

Lonely From The Inside

So many people think of loneliness as something that’s felt when we’re alone. However, that’s not always the case, especially for those dealing with mental health issues. For me, the worst part of feeling lonely is when I’m with people, especially people I care for, and still feel lonely. It’s a feeling deep in your heart and your gut; it’s an emptiness that can’t be filled. When I’m around others and still feel this loneliness, it can somewhat feels like a rejection; as if the person/people I’m with don’t want me. That’s not what’s actually happening; it’s just my perception of things based off of my emotional state at the time.

When I’m dealing with this loneliness, I often feel better when I’m alone. Right now, I’m alone, which means the loneliness isn’t as bad as it can get, but it’s still there. I’ve been coloring in my adult coloring books for a couple of hours today. It does take my mind off of things, but when I stop, the loneliness floods back in. That’s when I decided to try writing about it. Blogging has been very therapeutic for me; at the very least, I thought it couldn’t hurt. Being able to put my emotions into words is helpful for some reason. I wish I knew how long this would last or had ways to get past it. For now, I just want to get through another day.

Setting Boundaries

It is important for every individual to set boundaries; it is how people take care of themselves. Setting boundaries is a healthy way to build and maintain relationships with ourselves and with others. Just because it’s healthy, doesn’t make it easy. In fact, setting boundaries is one of my most difficult tasks. In fact, it’s something that I usually fail at doing. I don’t really ever say “no” to others. My automatic answer is always “yes”, even when I practice saying “no” and other similar responses. I don’t know if this is because I’m a people pleaser or because I’m scared to turn someone down, although those reasons seem to be related. I’ve been practicing saying “no” to people when they ask me something. This doesn’t mean I should turn people down all the time; I just need to find balance between saying “yes” and “no”. The following are techniques I use to work toward setting healthy boundaries in my life:

Know your comfort level. The first step to setting boundaries is to know what you are and are not willing to do. You have to know your own limits, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Knowing yourself and what stresses you out will allow you to know what boundaries to set.
Practice, practice, practice. I practice saying “no” and giving other responses to questions I know someone is about to ask me. I practice having multiple answers to a question or situation.
Ask for help. I usually ask my mom or my husband to help me determine how to respond to certain situations. My mom helps me practice my responses. It’s not often that I am able to set a boundary, but when I did a couple of weeks ago, I was so proud of myself and couldn’t wait to share it with my mom; she was excited and proud of me. Asking for help is not a weakness; it helps us become stronger.
Begin small. When you start small, it can either be with a simple boundary or by setting a boundary with someone you’re comfortable with. Some boundaries can be as simple as stating what you want; I’m not good at doing that either, but I’m working on it.
Long explanations are not necessary. For example, if someone asks you out to lunch, it’s okay to just say, “I can’t make it, I’m busy then, but thank you for the offer.” The more intricate your reasoning is, the more questionable it appears. There is no need to justify yourself to everyone. You should be comfortable with your response, but you don’t have to make sure everyone else is okay with it.
Stand by your boundaries. Once we finally set boundaries, we need to stand by our decisions. It’s important, but not easy, to stand up for ourselves. I’m still working on it, but eventually I’ll get there.
Stay positive. This is something that is extremely difficult; it’s easier said than done. The first step is to stay away from negative people. When someone you’re with is negative, it’s okay to ask them to change the subject. Walking away is also okay. Our minds go negative so easily, so every time I’m negative, I try to find at least one positive thing.
Put yourself first. Remember, you are important. Your wants and needs are significant. I often don’t stick to my boundaries because I feel guilty or shameful. However, I’ve found out that there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first. It’s part of taking care of you.

These techniques have been very helpful to me. Setting boundaries is probably one of the things I struggle with the most. I’ve gotten better at it, somewhat, but I still need a lot of practice. I’ll get better with time. In this past two month, I’ve said “no” twice, that’s huge for me.

Don’t Let Others Define You

It doesn’t take much for me to start feeling frustrated, upset, angry, and hurt. In fact, it happens pretty easily. Whatever the situation is, I do my best to talk myself through the frustration; I often end up pretending that everything is okay. I fake it until I make it. While this may not always be the healthiest way to manage emotions, it is fairly effective. However, there are sometimes that pretending everything is okay doesn’t work. I’ve tried over and over and, but still nothing has helped.

For example, a woman I’m very close with stopped reaching out to me. This is within her character; she is not a person that reaches out to just about anyone. At least I knew it wasn’t just me that she was ignoring. Our relationship had been strained, but was finally starting to improve, yet now that she was ignoring me again, everything started to become difficult again. I had reached out to her multiple times. I called a couple of times and left a voicemail, I sent text messages, and I also sent e-mails. Still, I heard nothing in return. I was frustrated, but mostly, I was hurt. I didn’t understand why everything was okay between us one day and then it wasn’t the next.

For a little while, I decided that I was going to stop reaching out to her. What’s the point of reaching out when you always get turned down or ignored? However, someone told me something that made me look at the situation in a completely different light. This person told me not to let other people define who I am or what I do. If I want to be someone who reaches out to friends and family, then I should continue to do that no matter what response I get. This made so much sense to me. I still want to have a relationship, so I should continue to reach out; maybe one day this person will reach out back to me. I should not change the things that I do and think of as important because of the actions of another person.

Family is the most important thing to me. So I need to keep reaching out to this person so that they know how much I care. If I stopped reaching out, then I couldn’t say that family is the most important thing to me. I am defined by many things such as my likes, dislikes, actions, and words to name a few. If I were to change how I act, then I would be changing who I am, and that’s not right. Also, if I ever want someone to reach out to me, then I need to reach out to them. It’s a two way street, and I’ve decided to keep my side of the street moving. The funniest part of it all is that once I made the decision to keep reaching out to this person, she responded to a text message. I’m glad I kept reaching out, because currently, the results are going pretty well.

Allowing Others To Help You Is A Gift You Give Them

I always thought that asking for help was a sign of weakness or dependency. I felt that I was always better off doing everything on my own for many reasons. I don’t like letting other people know that I can’t handle everything. It seems as if my flaws are already extremely obvious to everyone; I never saw the purpose in pointing out my shortcomings and vulnerabilities. Plus, when I talk to others about my weaknesses, it means I’m admitting to myself that they’re real. I would rather pretend that everything is okay for as long as possible instead of admit that my issues are real, even though this usually makes my problems worse. Asking others for help requires a lot of trust. I never trusted anyone else to do a better job than I could do; if I couldn’t fix the issue or come up with a solution, then I doubted that someone else could.

I also felt that by not asking others for help, I was being kind to them; who really wanted to spend their time helping me? However, since I didn’t ask others for help, I never allowed people the ability to feel useful. I know that when I am able to help others, it makes me feel good about myself. I finally feel as if I’m important and worth something, which does not come easy for me. Who am I to say others would not feel the same way when helping me? I don’t have to push or force others into helping me, but it is important to give them the opportunity to be there for me and help me through situations.

We become vulnerable by asking others for assistance. I’m usually worried what people will think of me if I tell them what’s really going on. I think that if people knew what was happening in my mind, they would have me locked up. Suicidal ideations, thoughts of cutting, hallucinations, and paranoia; that’s who I really am. Instead, I fake things pretty well; I’m actually fairly talented at pretending everything is okay. However, when I do that, nothing gets better. There’s a saying, ‘Nothing changes if nothing changes’. If I want something to change, then I need to do something about it. Asking for help is doing something; it is taking that step toward change. If I allow myself to be vulnerable and ask someone for help, it could be the beginning of change and a deeper relationship.

Reaching Out To Our Loved Ones

Reaching out is not something I’m good at. In fact, I have to write it down on my list of things to do so I remember to call a friend or family member. My husband encourages me to reach out to people. If it wasn’t for him, I probably wouldn’t talk to anyone. It’s extremely important to reach out to friends and family, it’s a great way to take care of ourselves. Reaching out to others during every state of our bipolar disorder allows us to maintain friendships. Creating and maintaining relationships is vital to our health; we don’t have to do this alone.

We can reach out to our friends and family in many ways. Even just a simple text message to let others know that we’re thinking about them is helpful, it helps maintain the relationship. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I’m manic, I tend to reach out to others more often. The things I say are not always the most appropriate. Luckily, my friends and family are very understanding. One of the things I’m working on is reaching out to others during depressive episodes. It’s extremely difficult, but I want my loved ones to know that I care about them and that I’m not just reaching out when I’m manic.

When I’m depressed, I don’t always know what to say to others. I have a hard time talking to other people in general. I have realized that when I reach out to loved ones, I can simply say, ‘Just saying hello; I want you to know I’m thinking about you. How are you doing? What’s new?’ Saying something that simple to someone you love can make them feel loved. Our loved ones are usually the ones that do most of the reaching out. I’m working very hard to change that; I don’t want to be the person that never calls or sends a message. When I receive a phone call or text from someone I care about, it makes me feel really good. It makes me smile and feel loved. I want to give that good feeling to my friends and family as well.

In my opinion, I can’t expect others to always reach out to me if I never reach out to them. Relationships go both ways. I believe that I need to put more effort into my relationships. I have been doing this with a couple important relationships and it has made a huge difference. For example, I’ve been reaching out more to a family member; I email, call, and text her and she does the same to me. I’m going home tomorrow and I can’t wait to see her. Our relationship has grown in just a short amount of time and it has had a huge and wonderful impact on my life. Every person that I’ve reached out to has been a success; I’m building and rebuilding relationships slowly but surely.

Maintaining Relationships

Relationships are particularly difficult when you’re dealing with bipolar disorder. Personally, I struggle when it comes to reaching out to those I care about. I prefer having just a couple close friends that I can trust, than having a large group of friends. It takes a lot of work to remember to reach out to friends and family. In fact, if I want to reach out to someone, I have to put it on my to-do list. Currently, I have a couple of close friends that I try to reach out to on a regular basis, and thankfully, they also reach out to me. My family members are not diagnosed with bipolar disorder, although my friends are almost all diagnosed with some type of mental health illness.

Having friends that also battle with mental health disorders is both positive and negative. It’s wonderful to have friends that understand what I’m going through, but that also means that these individuals deal with the same things that I struggle with, and I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. I have had several friends of the past decade that I became close with; I will always be grateful for those relationships; however, I may be doing okay and my friend begins to go through an episode and distances themselves from me. This is difficult to handle, but I understand how and why it happens. It’s important to remember that when this happens, it’s usually due to their bipolar and mental health episodes and not because of me. I have had this happen to me several times, and I have also done this to others many times depending on state of mind. When someone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder backs away from you, it is important to know that it is most likely because they are struggling, it’s not personal.

I’m currently attempting to reach out more to my family. I believe that family is the most important thing in life; no one will ever love and support you like your family does, at least that is my experience. Someone recently asked me how my relationship was going with one of my family members. I told him that it was improving; I have decided to reach out to them more often. The conclusion I have come to is that I cannot expect others to put forth any effort in our relationship unless I am willing to do the same. If I want to have a relationship with anyone, I need to work at it. Surprisingly, it’s a lot easier than I thought it would be. Even just a text message to say hello can mean a great deal to another person.

I’m working on reach out to my friends and family in many ways. Most of it is because of the support I receive. I use the following methods to help maintain my relationships:

I write on my to-do list who to call or text that day so I make sure it gets done.
I put things in my phone’s calendar as another reminder.
I listen to my husband; he often suggests appropriate things for me to do.
I make ‘dates’ with friends and family. Once something is scheduled, I’m very unlikely to cancel it.
I tell my loved ones how much they mean to me. I go through periods where I can’t express this at all, so I make sure to do so when I can.
I try to support and encourage my friends. Treat others as you want to be treated.
Relationships are hard for me; they’re also hard for others. I have to remember to cut others some slack; keep the expectations to a minimum.

Using these techniques, I have been able to maintain friendships, and I am happy to say that I have become closer with my family. Friends and family provide support, which is vital to my mental health.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Reaching Out