Tag: Bipolar

I Rely On My Dog, Or At Least I Used To Be Able To

I Rely On My Dog, Or At Least I Used To Be Able To

I never knew how much I rely on my dog until he got sick. My husband always tells me that the dog helps me out and is a necessity for me. I know, just as my husband says, that Cash helps me realize when noises are real. For example, he will normally get up, bark, and run to the door when he hears someone coming. However, this past week that he has been sick, he doesn’t even pick up his head. I was doing dishes today, and I had to stop three times, cautiously run to the window/door to see if anyone was coming, and carefully return to the dishes. Cash has been my protector and my guardian for the past 11 years. I always figured that no one would mess with me if I had an 88 pound pit mix standing in front of me, and it was true. No I’m looking out for myself and for my dog. He took care of me for his whole life; now it’s my turn to take care of him (I’ll just have to worry about myself later).

Making The Right Decision Is Beyond Difficult

cash-recoveredToday was a rough day. I had to watch my dog be ill. It seemed like he was giving up on life, but I didn’t want to have him put to sleep too early, and it was a good call that I waited it out. Later in the day, he finally stood up, walked a little bit, went to the bathroom, and he even ate a treat (none of which he would do earlier in the day). He rebounded physically; he still has some life left in him. However, he appears to be going downhill again. My husband got him to actually eat dinner, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to rebound again. I think the fact that he won’t eat regularly, won’t walk, and won’t wag his tail is his way of telling me that he’s ready. I just don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. It’s such a hard decision to make; I just want to do what’s right for my dog. I’m sleeping out on the couch tonight so I can be close to him in case he needs me.

Massively Overwhelmed

I’m massively overwhelmed. I keep going from feeling nothing at all to feeling everything and crying. I have too much going on right now. I just closed on buying a house yesterday. I’m officially a homeowner, for the first time ever. I’m also dealing with my dog being sick and dying. There are many, many small things going on that I have to deal with in every aspect of life. I don’t know how to handle everything. Luckily, I have three weeks to move, so I can take my time and do it right. I’m going to take everything in life, one step at a time.

Cash Is Sick

Cash Is Sick

I found out yesterday that my dog, Cash, has multiple cancerous masses in his spleen. There are a few options, but none of them are good. Chemo is an option, but it’s not one that we want to do. It causes too many side effects and we don’t know how effective it would be. We could also remove his spleen. However, that is extremely dangerous; he may not make it through the surgery and even if he does, it would only give him about 6 more months. Plus, the cancer could spread because it’s in his blood, so the surgery may not be that effective. We’ve decided to play it day by day. We just want him to be comfortable and happy.

Cash Is Feeling Sick

Cash Is Feeling Sick

I had to take my dog, Cash, to the emergency vet earlier today. Cash was having problems walking, his temperature was 2 degrees low, his gums were pale, his abdomen was enlarged, and he refused to eat dog food or treats (even when they were brought to him). I waited, for what felt like hours (but it was really only 45 minutes), and the vet came into the room to tell me about the results of the tests. It turns out that his blood work shows him as anemic, with some type of big infection (his WBC is twice what it should be), a tumor near his abdomen, and there is also some lose fluid in the abdomen.

I’m so worried about him. He’s 11 years old, I’m not sure if he can make it through this. I’m sleeping out in the living room with him this evening. I’m worried that this will be his last night tonight. Tomorrow, I will be bringing him and all of the tests/paperwork back to my regular vet. I feel more comfortable seeing how it goes with my regular vet (who knows Cash very well). I’m hoping for some better news, but I’m not counting on it. I’m going to stick by his side so he’s not alone. It’s bad enough that he’s in pain, I don’t want him to be alone either. The employees at vet that I went to, were extremely helpful, polite, and nice.

Roses

Roses

Last night, my husband came home with a dozen roses. He said that he could tell that I was struggling lately and he wanted to help cheer me up. I’m very lucky to have a man like him that pays attention to how I’m feeling and wants to help me out. Every time I look at the roses, it makes me feel a little bit better.

I’m worried about my dog lately. This morning he didn’t want to eat. And for the past few nights, he’s been coming into our bedroom, which he never does. He doesn’t even come when he’s called. He’s just acting weird, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because we’re moving and things are changing. Hopefully things will get better for him.

Moving and So Much To Do

Moving and So Much To Do

My days seem to be going by extremely slowly. It feels like each day is dragging on and on. I wish I could make things go by quicker. Buying a house is complex. I need to make a list of everything that I’m going to need once I’m in my new home. I have to be as accurate as possible. I also just have to sign my tax documents and return them to the company that completed them.

I’m ready to start moving. I have a few people who have offered to help us, mainly my stepdaughter’s boyfriend. I’m already planning a housewarming party. Nothing big; just something small to celebrate this huge accomplishment.

I’ve been thinking about going back to work. Only for me to work from home. I could do something, like be a typist. I type anywhere from 60 to 80 words per minute (sometimes even more) with at least 96% accuracy. I wonder if I could do it. Could working be something good for me? Could I handle it? I have lots to think about. I’m going to keep it as just a thought for now. Maybe later it can actually become more than a thought.

Showing Progress with ECT

Showing Progress with ECT

I had another ECT treatment this morning. I was happy to tell my psychiatrist that I had gone to a couple meetings and that I even spoke at two of them. I had to take Valium to do so, but that’s still a lot better than I’ve been doing. Progress not perfection. He was happy to hear that I’ve been doing a little better. Because I’ve been doing ECT twice a week for 7 weeks, and because I’ve shown some progress, I’m now able to switch to doing ECT treatments once a week (on Wednesdays).

I’m extremely happy that I’m making progress. Hopefully, I will continue to improve while I only do weekly treatments. And at some point, I’ll switch to one treatment every other week, and maybe even once every three weeks. Since I didn’t do very well with a once a month treatment last time, I probably won’t try it this time.

World Bipolar Day

Today is World Bipolar Day. I wish I could say that with even a little happiness. It is important to spread awareness about bipolar disorder and other mental health issues around the world, but it is not an easy task. It’s important for people to know that bipolar disorder does not limit individuals. In fact, many people diagnosed with bipolar disorder are much more creative and passionate. Living with and managing a life with bipolar disorder is difficult, but it can be done.

I Spoke At A Meeting Today

I Spoke At A Meeting Today

The noon meeting I went to today went very well. There were only about 10 people there. I didn’t know any of them, so it was a bit nerve-wracking, but it was much better than a meeting with 50 or 75 people. It was an open meeting, with the subject of ‘One day at a time’. Near the end of the meeting, I spoke up by choice. When sharing, I decided to open up about how I’m nervous coming to meetings because I get nervous around people. Afterwards, one of the guys from the meeting came up to me and thanked me for sharing about my nervousness. He said that he feels that way too, but people don’t usually talk about it. He thanked me for my honesty and openness.

This is definitely a huge step forward for me. I can’t wait to tell my therapist and psychiatrist about what I did today. It’s a big sign that the Clozapine and the ECT are absolutely working. I’m going to try to keep going to at least a few meetings a week. Hopefully, I will find smaller meetings to go to so I feel more comfortable. Maybe I’ll even make friends with some of these people.