I had a medication change two weeks ago. I went off my Mirapex, as directed by my doctor, because I stopped caring about things. I was numb, and had been for a while. I started to go deeper into a depression about a week ago. I started sleeping a lot, taking naps (which is very abnormal for me), having a hard time getting things done, forgetting a lot, and caring even less. I waiting to hear back from my psychiatrist as to what my next step is.
I’ve had a hard time getting things done this past week. My regular tasks seem to be more difficult that normal. Even just keeping my house organized is hard. I can’t figure out how to clean things up or where to put them. I let things slide for one day, and then it just piles up to the point where I’m overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.
A couple of days ago I was worried that I was on a downward spiral, but today I’m pretty sure that is not true. I think I’m still stuck, emotionless. Hopefully, that will be changing soon. I took my last dose of Mirapex today. I will check in with my psychiatrist next week after being off the Mirapex completely for one week.
I had a medication change about 5 days ago because I was feeling numb, flat, and empty. My psychiatrist said that he has seen this happen to people who reach a therapeutic level of Clozapine that are also taking Mirapex. We decided together to taper off the Mirapex. I will take my last dose of Mirapex on Wednesday, I’m currently taking half the dose.
I feel worse than I did a week ago. I’m hoping that this is just me adjusting to the medication change. I really hope that it’s not the beginning of another downward spiral. I took a nap this evening because I just couldn’t stand being awake anymore. When I woke up, I was hoping that at least a couple hours had passed, but instead, it had only been about 30 minutes. What a disappointment. It’s getting harder each day to fake being okay.
Today just sucks. I feel like crap, both emotionally and physically. People keep asking me how I’m doing, and I have the same response as always, “I’m hanging in.” It’s not a lie, but it doesn’t exactly reveal anything. What I don’t like is when people ask me why I’m feeling crappy. I think that’s a stupid question. Sometimes I just feel something without any reason. That’s a huge part of bipolar disorder.
My husband and I were invited to go out with friends to a showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight. I’m really nervous about it. I want to go, but I also feel pressured to go. Maybe if we drive separately, it would make me more comfortable. I wouldn’t be stuck somewhere without a way to escape if I have a panic attack. I hope I can get myself to go tonight. It would probably be good for me.
I don’t feel like myself. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve felt like myself. I’m numb, emotionless, disconnected. I can’t figure out if this is better or worse than feeling the depths of depression. I’m still able to fake being ‘okay’ when I need to, but pretending is exhausting. It takes everything I’ve got to put on a fake smile and talk to others.
I keep moving forward, one step at a time. I have no clue how I do it or how I continue to get things done. I spend most of my days alone while my husband is at work. Being alone is so much easier for me than being around people. Every once in a while, I get urges of frustration. I vent for a minute and then it’s back to feeling nothing.
Right now, I am holding on with all I’ve got. The Clozapine has caused a huge weight gain. I’ve gained more than 30 pounds in 3 months. It doesn’t matter how much I workout or what I eat, I just keep gaining weight. I know I made a committment to keep trying Clozapine until I reach my goal dose of 400 mg. I still have another month of dosage increases until I get to my goal. When I say I’m going to do something, I mean it. I want to hold myself to my committment. However, it’s easier said than done.
I told my psychiatrist about the weight gain. He told me that there are some measures we can take. However, he is on vacation, so I have to wait until next week. So I know that there is something that could possibly help with my weight gain, but I have to wait another week. I understand that everyone is entitled to go on vacation, but waiting even another day is extremely hard, a week is close to impossible. But somehow, someway, I will do it.
The problem with going off of Clozapine, is that there aren’t many other options for me. I’ve already tried ECT for over a year. I don’t want to do IV Ketamine because the thought of dissociation is terrifying for me. I’ve taken so many medications, there aren’t many options left. I keep questioning my future since my treatment options are getting fewer and fewer. This is when I really rely on my friends and family. So far, I have been shown nothing but love and support. I can do this; I can get through this. That’s what I need to keep telling myself.
I have had several people ask me how I’m doing lately including some friends, family, and doctors. However, the problem is that I don’t know how I feel. I’m not sure if I’m sad and depressed, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, fearful, lonely, or anxious. Maybe I’m all of those emotions combined. I know I’m not happy, but that’s about all I know. It’s very strange to be full of emotions, but not be able to pinpoint what any of those emotions are.
When people ask me how I’m doing, I just say I’m fine or I’m okay. It’s so much easier than trying to figure out how I’m really doing. Plus, most people don’t want to hear what’s really going on. The only problem with that, is my therapist wants to know how I’m doing, and I struggle to figure it out when I have therapy appointments.
I’ve thought about using a mood tracking app, but they all ask you questions regarding how you’re feeling and how much you feel each emotion. Since I have no clue what I’m feeling, it makes that extremely difficult. I suppose I’ll have to wait on the mood tracker until I’m able to determine how I really feel.
I’m pretty sure that this is all a part of my depression. It’s another problem to work through, and I will get through it, eventually.
I have been taking psych meds since I was 14 years old. Ever since I started taking medication, I have always been on a lot of meds. I currently take eight different psych meds, plus other medication for my physical health. I’ve spent more than half my life on medications, and I’ll probably spend the rest of my life taking medications.
Sometimes the meds help and sometimes they make things worse. Medications always have side effects that need to be treated. It’s a pain in the butt. Meds can cause both physical and mental changes. They tend to change the way I act, which is helpful for bipolar treatment, but sometimes it goes too far. I feel like the medications change who I am to begin with. The mental changes that take place are hard to deal with. Right now, I don’t like to go out in public unless I have to and I don’t enjoy things I used to care about. This sounds like depression, but it’s been this way even through manic episodes. Maybe it’s part of the PTSD. I can never tell what’s what anymore.
Will I ever know who I really am? Am I just going to continue to change depending on my medications? How much change is good, and how much is too much? These are questions I ask myself all the time. I was a different person when I was younger; I was social. Now, I’m nothing like that. I know a lot of it is because of my bipolar disorder, but I wonder if some of it is because of the medication as well. Will I ever really know? I guess I just wonder what’s really me and what’s because of the medicine?
Today, someone is coming to fix the dishwasher. It’s been broken for almost a week, so I’m happy about the idea of having a dishwasher again. However, I do not like the idea of a strange guy in my house. My dog can look scary when he’s barking, but that will only last about one minute before he wants to play and be pet by this stranger. The dog’s no good for protection. Thank goodness my husband will be here. That makes me feel safe. I’m sure the guy coming to fix the dishwasher is a nice guy, but my mind always thinks about ‘what if’ situations.
I’m still feeling like a screw up. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. I keep doing things that I’m good at, hoping to counteract this emotion, but the feeling is still there. It’s an irrational emotion, but it’s what’s going on with me lately. At least I know that this feeling won’t last forever. With my bipolar disorder, I know that no emotion will ever last forever. I will go up and down quite often. So all I need to do is hang on until this horrible feeling goes away.
Pretending to be feeling okay, when you’re not, is exhausting. I do this mostly around my in-laws. I don’t know why. They know about my bipolar disorder and are very supportive. I guess it’s just my comfort level. I’ll open up over time. I’m getting more and more comfortable around them. I think it’s just because we normally spend our time in large groups. I do better one on one.
The past couple of days, I’ve been feeling like a total screw up. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong; I’m feeling shame. There are also some things that I’m avoiding because I know/feel as if I’m going to mess it all up. I don’t know where these feelings are coming from. I’m reading into everything that people say; somehow, I can find negative things about myself when others are talking. The “funny” part about it is that people don’t even have to be talking about me for me to find something negative about myself.
I think a lot of it comes from my weight gain. I look in the mirror, and I automatically feel sad and pathetic. All I see is the person I don’t want to be. I feel like I can’t talk to others properly, I can’t stay organized, I can’t workout well enough, I can’t cook right, I can’t get things done, I just can’t do anything right. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. This overwhelming feeling is taking control of my mind and body.
Even though I know that I don’t do everything wrong, I still feel as if I do. I don’t know why that is. For instance, I know I’m a good cook; so why do I feel like the dinners I’m making suck? I’m also a very organized person, but I feel like my house is unorganized and I don’t know how to fix it. I know the truth, but what I don’t know is why I still feel this way even though I know it’s false.
My Side of the Pole 