The Importance of Memories

I didn’t realize how important memories are until I lost them. I used to be able to remember things very easily, and now I struggle to remember a lot of things. My memory has improved over the last few months, since I stopped doing ECTs, but it’s far from what it used to be. I have a hard time with both short-term and long-term memory.

One day, many months ago, I woke up and didn’t realize that my grandmother had passed away years ago. I forget family memories often, and I feel that those are the most important. I ask people questions all the time, forgetting that I had just recently asked that same question. I have conversations with people over and over, because I forget that I just had that same conversation.

The forgetting is hard on me. I feel as if I annoy people because I repeat myself often. I try to improve my memory, but that’s not an easy thing to do. I feel incapable, less than, and pathetic. My memory has improved a little since I stopped ECT, but will it continue to improve? Am I ever going to get back to what my memory used to be like?

Finding Help In Support Groups

Pretending to be positive about things is more exhausting than I thought it was. It works, but it is extremely tiring. I am planning on going back to the support group I tried out last week. I need to go there regularly in order to get used to it. Once I get used to this group, I really think that there’s a good chance of it being helpful in multiple ways. There’s another group that’s not too far from my house that I’ve thought about going to on Tuesday nights.I think I’m going to try one new and scary thing at a time. It is nice to know that there are others out there just like me who are willing to be there for each other.

I also had a hard time getting my 2 week prescription of Clozapine. I’ll know later today if and when I can pick up the prescription. I’m not very happy with Walgreens right now.

Emotionless

I don’t feel like myself. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve felt like myself. I’m numb, emotionless, disconnected. I can’t figure out if this is better or worse than feeling the depths of depression. I’m still able to fake being ‘okay’ when I need to, but pretending is exhausting. It takes everything I’ve got to put on a fake smile and talk to others.

I keep moving forward, one step at a time. I have no clue how I do it or how I continue to get things done. I spend most of my days alone while my husband is at work. Being alone is so much easier for me than being around people. Every once in a while, I get urges of frustration. I vent for a minute and then it’s back to feeling nothing.

Boiling Inside

Today has been an “off” day for me. Nothing really felt right today. Everything was annoying me. It was even difficult for me to do the things that I normally enjoy doing. I kept pushing my emotions down, over and over again, I tried to keep a lid on things. I felt like a boiling tea kettle, pushed to my limits, boiling on the inside, just waiting some relief.

This doesn’t happen to me too often. Normally, I can brush off anything that annoys me. I guess that can’t happen every time. What I really need to do is learn how to set some boundaries.

So Many Meds

Sometimes I feel like I take too much medication. I take Lithium, Tegretol, Clozapine, Cytomel, Mirapex, and Valium for my bipolar disorder and anxiety. I take Zofran, Cogentin, and Metformin because of side effects from my bipolar medication. I have to take hormone replacement therapy because of my hysterectomy. I also take Percocet and Elmiron for my bladder disorder. It’s a long list of medication.

One of the meds has to be taken on an empty stomach twice a day, but some of my other meds have to be taken with food. I take medication about 6 times a day, sometimes more, depending on when I eat. It feels like all I’m doing is taking medication. I hate the fact that so many of my medications are treating side effects of other meds, but I guess that’s how it goes.

I’ve been hoping that one day I won’t have to take medication, but realistically, I know that won’t happen. This is just something that I have to deal with. I think I wouldn’t care about it as much if the meds actually worked. My depression has improved, but my suicidal ideations are still there. In the end, I know that I’m a lot better off taking these meds than I am without them.

Prescription Assistance Program Denial

This evening, I brought the trash and recycling outside. On my way in, I checked the mailbox; there was some junk mail and a letter from Johnson & Johnson Prescription Assistance Program. I’ve been waiting for this letter. I held it in my hand as I walked quickly to get inside my house so I could open it and hopefully find out that they accepted my application.

I opened the letter quickly and started reading. It says, “Thank you for applying to our Patient Assistance Program…Unfortunately, after carefully reviewing your application, we’ve determined that you do not meet the eligibility requirements at this time…” The second I read the word “Unfortunately” I knew they were rejecting my application. This is very upsetting for me. The medication is for a bladder condition I have called interstitial cystitis. It’s very painful and causes many bladder problems. The medication was going to give me the possibility of no longer doing installations (catheterization to insert medication directly into the bladder). I do these installations every week.

The medication costs $500 to $800 per month without insurance. With my insurance coverage, it costs $230 per month. While the insurance does cover quite a bit of the cost, there’s still a lot left to be taken care of, especially since it would be in addition to all of my psychiatric medications. The letter gave several reasons why they may have denied my application. The only one that seems to fit is that you need to be uninsured for the prescription product needed. Even though my coverage for this medication is crappy, it’s still there, and that’s what they are basing their decision on.

This sucks, and is ridiculous (sorry, just venting). This is not the answer I was looking for, but I will have to deal with it. Maybe I’ll try the medication for a couple of months to find out if it would even work. If it does work and I want to continue taking it, then I can figure out how to deal with it at that time. If it doesn’t work, then there’s no reason to be stressed and upset about it. I’m going to have to think about it for a little while before making a decision.

Difficulties At The Pharmacy

Yesterday, I dropped off my weekly Clozapine prescription at the pharmacy. I asked the pharmacy technician if she could check to see if my lab work had come in. I told her that it gets faxed over from the lab every week, and that someone from the pharmacy normally puts a copy in my file. She looked at me weird, and said, “We don’t do blood work here.” I explained to her again, that I get my blood work done at a lab and then the lab sends my blood work to the pharmacy so I can get my prescription filled. She still didn’t understand; she told me again, “We don’t do blood work here anymore.”

Wow, I was surprised at how ignorant this woman was. If she had just taken 30 seconds to listen to my explanation, then she would understand. At this point, she went to the back of the pharmacy with my prescription. When she came back up front, I asked if she found my blood work results. Her response was, “I don’t know, I didn’t look.” I was so baffled that I just decided to leave instead of try to get this woman to understand me. I asked her to please call me if there were any problems filling the prescription.

Luckily, they were able to fill my prescription. The pharmacist must have found my blood work in my file. I think they’re finally getting used to receiving my blood work results and having me filling my weekly Clozapine prescription there. The pharmacy technician I had this odd interaction with was new, so I can understand her being confused; however, if she had just listed to my explanation, she would have understood easily.

Wrong and Annoying

It feels like everything I do is wrong. I’m either doing something incorrectly, or not doing things I should be doing. I feel like I’m doing things wrong even when I’m just talking. I seem to say the wrong thing and upset people. I react the “wrong” way and it tends to piss some people off. I know, somehow, it’s not really my fault, but it still feels like I’m in the wrong. The easiest way I can think to fix most of these issues is by not talking. I feel like I should withdraw from my group of people and stay alone with my dog. At least I know that I can’t bother him the way I bother others.

I think that one of the things that tend to bother some people is that I’m always trying to make everyone else happy. I ignore my own emotions and focus on others, which I know can be annoying. Thinking of others is my way of dealing (or not dealing) with my own emotions. I feel inadequate and weak.

Right now, I’m overwhelmed with feeling like I’m wrong. When I got another bill in the mail for more than $4000 from my husband’s surgery last year, he freaked out. I tried to explain to him about out-of-pocket maximums, deductibles, and appeals. I filled out and completed the appeal, but what if the bill is for real? Then we’re screwed. Even worse, I’ll have to tell my husband about it and he’ll be really frustrated. No matter what I do, it just feels wrong. I always try to fix everything when he gets upset, even when he’s not upset with me. I just wish there was an easy answer to everything or anything.

I’m really tired of feeling wrong. I feel like I push people away. I don’t want to push my family away. At least I know I’ll never push my dog away. That’s the good thing about pets; they love you no matter what.

Anxiety and Bills

I just got back from working out with my husband, so my anxiety is already increased. I checked the mail and found some of my husband’s medical bills. I’ve been dealing with their billing department for months now because they messed up the bill by billing the wrong insurance company several months ago. Now, it’s all figured out. I did verify that the bills are correct at this point. However, I’m not happy because it’s a huge bill. On Monday, I’m going to have to call the billing department and set up a payment schedule. It’s all extremely stressful and nervewracking. I think I might go take a Valium to help me get through the day.

I like to stay on top of my bills, but I couldn’t do that with this because the billing department screwed up to begin with. At least this huge bill will mean that my husband has met his deductible, so as long as we stay in network, which we will, there will be no more bills. I’m hoping the billing department will accept a payment plan. Otherwise, we can’t pay it. I’m sure they will, most people don’t have the capabilities to pay such large bills all at once.

Right now, I just have to work on reducing my anxiety. The gym and the bills have made my anxiety pretty high. I wish I could lower it myself, but I still have to run some errands, which makes me nervous. I don’t take my Valium often. A one month’s supply generally lasts me about three months. I suppose it’s time to get ready to go run errands. Hopefully, it will work out without an anxiety attack.

Another Week Of Clozapine

It’s time to refill my Clozapine again. I really hate having to do this every week. I spend so much time making sure the pharmacy can find my blood work results (they usually can figure out where they put the paperwork) and making sure my prescription is refilled or called in as necessary. After I’ve been on this medication for six months, I will be able to do this entire process every other week. Then, once I’ve been on it for a year, I get to do this once a month. So there is something to look forward to, it’s just going to take some time to get there. I started taking Clozapine in the beginning of April, so I still have to do this weekly ordeal until the beginning of October. That time can’t come quick enough.

Even though dealing with this charade is very stressful and difficult, the medication has been helpful. I do believe that Clozapine has helped to improve my depression when nothing else was helping. The reason the blood work and weekly scripts have to be completed is to protect me, and anyone taking the medication, from serious side effects that could occur. So far, I’m doing okay, and I hope that the Clozapine will eventually help me, and maybe even help me become stable. Anything is possible.

UPDATE: I received an email from Walgreens letting me know that my Clozapine prescription has been filled and is ready to be picked up. I’m going to go get it tomorrow afternoon. I’m so surprised. I didn’t even have to make sure they found my blood work or explain that I get the prescription every week. This is the first time that they did it all on their own, and I’ve been doing this every week for over two months. This is wonderful news; maybe it will be this easy to get my weekly Clozapine prescription.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Frustration