Isolating

Many people diagnosed with bipolar disorder and other mental health disorders frequently tend to isolate, often without realizing it. Isolation is an unhealthy symptom of bipolar disorder. Isolation can fuel depression, then the depression makes the person want to isolate even more. If it wasn’t for my husband and family, who encourages me to get out of the house and talk to friends, then I probably wouldn’t see or talk to anyone.

I like to isolate, is it wrong that I would rather be alone than with people? I prefer to be by myself. I don’t get bored or lonely, at least not lately, and it’s a lot less stress when I’m alone. If it were up to me, I would only leave the house to run errands and go to appointments. But I know that’s not healthy. For me, it’s more work to be around people than it is to be alone. There are a lot of times when I don’t want to go out, but I do; then I’m glad I ended up going out. I have to remember that sometimes I enjoy myself when I go out. I can’t give up on socializing.

A Busier Week

While last week was very slow due to having only one appointment, this coming week is going to be a busy one. I have appointments Monday through Thursday. It feels as if I’m making up for the lack of doctor appointments this past week. I just wish I could even out my appointments so I don’t have weeks where I’m overloaded, like this upcoming week.

I’m going to need time to get ready for my upcoming trip. It will take some extra work since I’m traveling with my husband, I’ll have to plan and pack for two. I can’t wait for this upcoming vacation to visit my Mom and the rest of the family. We will be gone for eight days, so I have to get everything done that I would normally do during that time at home. I think life is going to be pretty busy in general until vacation comes, but it’s all worth it.

I Can Cook Again

I stopped the juicing. My husband and I made it about two weeks, with some slip ups along the way. Yesterday, we decided together to stop the juicing. That means that I get to start cooking again, which is one of my favorite things to do; I really missed cooking over the last couple weeks. Last night I made sausage and peppers and the night before that I made a cheesy sausage and rice skillet. It’s nice to have someone to cook for, it’s not as much fun cooking for just yourself.

I also like trying new recipes, most of the new ones don’t turn out so well. I think that it’s worth it if every one in five recipes turns out to be good. Most new recipes aren’t that great; but there’s only one way to find something new, and that is to try it. My husband is so sweet, he will eat a meal even if it didn’t turn out well. I won’t eat it, but he will. When the recipes don’t turn out the way I hoped, I’d rather order take-out than try eating a bad tasting meal.

Holiday Shopping

It’s getting to be that time of the year, where there’s all sorts of family gatherings, cooking, and shopping. Personally, I love gift-giving, but I don’t wait until November or December to start shopping. My holiday shopping begins in January. I start by simply paying attention to what people say and then I keep a gift idea list. I also buy one or two gifts per month, that way I don’t go completely broke at the end of the year. This method also helps with birthday gifts.

I actually prefer to give gifts than receive them. By paying attention to people, I can get them creative gifts that they love and I get to see the people I care about smile and be happy. Seeing them happy is a gift to me. For this holiday season, I have only one gift left to buy, but I already know what it is that I’m going to get. I’m all done with my family and my husband’s family.

I Forgot

I forgot to go to my support group this past Thursday night. I had every intention of going, but I just forgot. I didn’t go last week because of my anniversary, but I have no excuses this week. I even remember telling my therapist on Wednesday that I was going to go the following day, and then I let it slip my mind. I suppose I have to write my support group on my to-do list. I really want to go, I know it will be helpful in the long run.

There’s another group on Tuesdays that seems interesting. I want to check it out. Maybe I can have my husband drive by there with me so I know where I’m going before I actually go to that group. It’s farther away from my house than the Thursday night, but you never know where you will find what you’re looking for.

A Problem Running Errands

The only errand I had yesterday was to go grocery shopping and get my prescriptions. I didn’t time things well, I ended up going to the store right after most people get out of work, but I thought the store would be slower than normal due to Veteran’s Day. If anything, the store was busier than normal, but I handled it.

As I was leaving the store a guy who appeared to be in his early 20s was in front of me. It felt as if he was trying to hide behind my cart, which made me very uncomfortable. Then two managers from the store came out and asked the guy to come back in the store. The guy automatically started saying, “I didn’t do anything, what do you want?” He was acting very guilty and the employees had to physically force the guy back into the store. I walked away as quickly as possible. I have no clue why I was so uncomfortable and fearful. Why did that situation bother me so much?

I never stole anything before. Growing up in a family that had their own independent pharmacy, there were always people stealing from the store. My dad didn’t press charges on kids/teenagers. Instead, he made them work off what they owed Maybe, what happened today is just reminding me of my childhood.

An Easier Week

This week has been the slowest week I’ve had in a very long time. I’ve only had one doctor’s appointment this week, it was this past Wednesday. That appointment, therapy, went pretty well. Normally, life is only this slow when I go away on vacation. I normally have multiple doctor’s appointments and other engagements throughout each week. Having such a slow week has thrown off my routine. I like it, but it’s different from normal, and different can be difficult.

The free time has given me the opportunity to start working out again. I’ve worked out at home and at the gym on my free days, which for this week has been often. I’m glad that I was able to do something positive with my free time.

Barking Dog

I’m home alone, while my husband is at work, and my dog, Cash, keeps barking. Every time he barks it freaks me out, especially since he’s normally so quiet. Each time he barks I get up and show him that no one is outside, the front door and the back. He calms down for a little bit, but he keeps barking about 5 minutes later. The same thing happens over and over with no one and nothing there.

I deal with auditory hallucinations regularly. When I’m at home and I hear things, I look Cash for security. If there was actually something there, he would recognize the sound and and bark at it. There’s almost never anything, so I calm down and go back to whatever I was doing. However, this evening, since Cash is barking at almost everything, I’m very anxious. I can’t wait for my husband to get home from work. I’ll feel a lot better then.

Is It My Personality?

I often wonder what I can do to help my mental health. For example, my therapist wants me to stand up for myself and say no more often. It has me thinking, isn’t it a part of my personality, of who I am, the fact that I have a hard time saying no? Is my bipolar disorder a part of my personality or vise versa? Am I supposed to change my personality to improve my mental health?

I know there are some things that need or needed change. Twelve years ago, I stopped drinking and using drugs, which was extremely difficult. That improved both my mental and physical health. It was my activities that I changed, not my personality. I suppose that it’s not so much what I do, but how I do and handle it. I’m not sure if any of this makes much sense, but they are the thoughts that are wandering around in my mind the past couple days.

Learning To Say No

At my therapy appointment, we came to the realization that I put others ahead of myself. If someone wants to do something, I almost always do it, even if it’s not what I want or if it causes anxiety. For me, saying no takes a lot of work. I think it causes more anxiety to say no than it does to do most anything anxiety provoking. My therapist wants me to work on this. He actually wants me to say no more often; to stand up for my own desires and opinions.

So I did it, I said no to something. There is a large family get-together this weekend that I don’t want to go to for several reasons. There will be a lot of people there that I don’t know, it’s out of my normal comfort-zone, and my husband wouldn’t be able to come with me. Normally, I would say yes to the invitation and then have anxiety attacks all week leading up to the get-together and then at the event itself. Instead, I said no; I’m still having anxiety attacks, but they’re a lot less than they would have been if I said yes.

Are there other people who struggle in this way as well? What do they do to help them?

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Author: My Side of the Pole