Author: My Side of the Pole

I'm a 32 year old married woman who has been dealing with Bipolar disorder since the age of 14. This is all about my life, diagnoses, and treatments. If you have any questions, just ask me. I hope that others with Bipolar Disorder or PTSD can relate to my blog and find it helpful.

Putting Myself Out There

Putting Myself Out There

I’m trying really hard to put myself out there in the world. Not because I want to, but because my husband and family want me to. Also, I know it’s the right thing to do, it’s the healthy thing to do both mentally and emotionally. I’ve been going to a support group, which is very hard for me to do, but it will be helpful, once I become comfortable in the group. Yesterday evening, I met up with a couple of friends. I’m so happy I did that. It was great to see them and talk to them. It is very important to meet up with friends, but it’s hard to do that and other social things when dealing with a major depression. I’m also trying to reach out a little more to my family, specifically my siblings. I don’t know why it’s so hard to reach out to others. Maybe because I don’t have much to talk about on my end. I don’t really know what to say when they ask me how I’m doing. Any suggestions on how to respond to the how are you doing question? All I can think of is, “I’m hanging in.”

Homesick

Homesick

I grew up in Connecticut, but I currently live in Arizona. Being that far away from my family is extremely hard for me. Family is very important to me; it’s a struggle not being able to see them whenever I want. Thankfully, I see my mom every 3 months, but I don’t always see the rest of my family. I’m excited because in less than 6 weeks, I will get to see my whole family. I’m counting the days now!

There have been several moments where I came close to caving and asking my mom to bring me home, but I stuck it out. I get home sick for Connecticut fairly often. Especially this time of year, I miss the fall foliage; I deeply miss the beauty of New England. When I struggle with homesickness, my anxiety is almost always increased.

I’m lucky to get along with all of my in-laws. However, sometimes the more time I spend with my in-laws, the more I miss my own family. No matter how much time I spend with my in-laws or how well we get along, I still miss my family. I wonder if being homesick this often is normal.

Generally, when I’m in Connecticut, I miss my husband and friends and want to go back to Arizona. When I’m in Arizona, I miss my family and want to be in Connecticut. No matter where I am, I want to be somewhere else. Does anyone have thoughts on the subject? Do other people get along with their family as well as I do?

 

Compromise

Compromise

I decided that I would go to the Halloween party that my husband wants to attend, his boss is the one throwing the party. I can find a corner somewhere and sit down. I would be comfortable doing that because no one could come up behind me, which is my biggest fear. I could also go into the kitchen and offer to help with things. That would make time go by faster.

I told my husband I would be happy to go with him to the party, and I would even get a costume. The funny thing is that he then said he wasn’t sure if he wants to go. The important part is that I became willing to go. I want him to know that I care about the things that are important to him. I’m not sure if we will end up going or not. I think it made my husband happy that I am willing to go. Compromise is important, but not easy.

Medicare Open Enrollment

Medicare Open Enrollment

I’ve been on Medicare parts A, B, and D since 2011. I receive these benefits because I’m on Social Security Disability. Part A is hospital insurance, Part B is medical insurance, and Part D is prescription drug insurance. My medical co-pays have gotten to be way too expensive. I am working on picking out a new prescription drug insurance plan and possibly a Medicare Advantage plan.

I tried to look things up online, but I was very confused because there was so much information. I called a woman whose job is to help people figure all of this out, and she was fantastic. She answered all of my questions and will be mailing me more information. I’m hoping that I will be able to find the right plan for me.

The one thing that sucks is that the only other medical insurance I can get is a Medicare Advantage plan, which for me, they are all HMOs. I don’t know if I will be comfortable with a HMO. I will do a lot of research and find out what plan is best. Maybe there is a plan that has all of my current doctors ‘in-network’. I’ll probably do the research tomorrow, I’m pretty tired tonight.

Juicing Is Showing Physical Improvements

Juicing Is Showing Physical Improvements

The juicing seems to be going well. Today is day five and I’m following the plan strictly. I found a couple of juice recipes that aren’t completely disgusting. I’m still not sure how long I’m going to do this, at least 10 days; 30 or 45 days would be fantastic. When I’m at home, I always have the TV on even when I’m not watching it. I like the background noise. I’ve  noticed over the past several days how many commercials there are for food. The commercials are extremely tempting. However, it’s not too bad because I’m not hungry most of the time. The juice and water keeps me full.

It also seems that this juicing plan is helping my bladder issues, which is amazing! It has also helped to clear up my complexion and lose a few pounds. The improvement in my bladder disorder is my favorite result.

I’m Anti-Halloween

I’m Anti-Halloween

Am I the only person that doesn’t like Halloween? It feels like I’m the only one. Halloween parties are full of people trying to sneak up on you and scare you; I hate that. People are dressed in costumes and you don’t always know who is who. There is candy and junk food everywhere, which is normally hard enough, this juicing fast makes that almost impossible to get through.

My husband and I were invited to a Halloween party. He wants to go, but I don’t. I feel like he was disappointed when I said I didn’t want to go. He tried talking me into it. I’ll probably end up going and taking lots of Valium. I don’t see myself going to a party and enjoying myself.

If there are others out there that don’t like Halloween, please let me know and tell me what you do on Halloween night.

IBPF: Two New Articles

IBPF: Two New Articles

Please check out my two most recent article on The International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF) blog. The first article, How It All Began, talks about how I first found out about my bipolar disorder and everything that comes along with that. My second article, Know Your Triggers, discusses the importance of knowing your triggers. Please check them out.

You can find my posts on the IBPF website here.

Finding Help In Support Groups

Finding Help In Support Groups

Pretending to be positive about things is more exhausting than I thought it was. It works, but it is extremely tiring. I am planning on going back to the support group I tried out last week. I need to go there regularly in order to get used to it. Once I get used to this group, I really think that there’s a good chance of it being helpful in multiple ways. There’s another group that’s not too far from my house that I’ve thought about going to on Tuesday nights.I think I’m going to try one new and scary thing at a time. It is nice to know that there are others out there just like me who are willing to be there for each other.

I also had a hard time getting my 2 week prescription of Clozapine. I’ll know later today if and when I can pick up the prescription. I’m not very happy with Walgreens right now.

 

Positive Thinking Leads To Success

Positive Thinking Leads To Success

Lately, I find myself talking out loud. I’m talking to myself, saying things such as, “You can do this. You’re giving it all you got. Just keep trying, it will work out.” I suppose that recently, I’ve been needing to convince myself that I can successfully do various things. Whether it’s going to the new support group last week, going to the very crowded state fair, or doing the juicing fast, I find that telling myself I can do these things has been extremely helpful to my success. I supposed it’s a form of positive thinking. Even when I don’t really believe in myself, saying positive things over and over is a way to convince myself of good things.

There’s no harm in trying. Lately, I’ve been trying a lot of new and different things. Some of these things have been terrifying and anxiety provoking, and others have just simply been difficult. Even if I don’t complete all of these tasks that I’m starting, at least I’m trying. I’ll never be able to complete any new accomplishments without first trying.

Update: Another Day Down

Update: Another Day Down

I’ve made it another day with the juicing. I even found one juice recipe that I can drink without wanting to choke afterwards. It’s made mostly of pineapple, apple, and spinach. It helps that I get to eat fruits and vegetables. I got to snack on green grapes today, which was extremely satisfying. Luckily, I’m not hungry very often. The juice is very filling; the large amount of water I drink every day also helps keep me full.

I have talk therapy tomorrow, which is something I need. I just need to be able to talk to someone who understands and doesn’t freak out or become overly concerned when I explain certain aspects of my depression. I know my depression is slowly getting better, but that doesn’t mean I feel good. At this point, it means I’m no longer taking naps during the day, I’m sleeping at night, and I’m willing to leave the house to run errands. I believe I will keep improving, slowly but surely.