Another Day of Depression

I went to bed last night hoping that today was going to be different. When I woke up, I knew that it was going to be another day dealing with depression. The first sign was that I slept until 10am. I don’t sleep that late when I’m feeling well. Then my mom called me, which normally makes me happy, but this time I couldn’t feel anything. I’m dealing with a loss of interest in things I normally enjoy. My energy level is extremely low, everything feels like a major tasks. Even writing has become a huge task, but I force myself to do it.

Yesterday, I forced myself to get out of the house and go to my mother-in-laws when she invited me. It was extremely difficult, but I did it, and I’m glad I did it. It helped me feel a little better. Maybe today I should do the same thing. There’s a friend’s house I could go to; she understands depression and doesn’t judge me at all. I’m going to try my hardest to go over there in little while. I actually just made plans with her, that way I have someone to stay accountable to.

I’m pushing myself so hard. Sometimes I feel like I should just give in to the depression. It would be easier to just let go, but I need to put up a fight. Although, I’m wondering what the reason is why I’m fighting the depression. Am I doing this for my family or my husband? Is it possible that I’m doing this for myself? I don’t even know if the reason why matters. The most important thing is that I am fighting the depression. I’m not simply giving up. There are a lot of things that I could do to help. One thing I could do is to look at my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) and looking through my wellness toolbox for suggestions that I know are helpful when I’m in a depression.

Improvements

My day actually got better as it went on, which is rare. I ended up doing some cleaning because I just couldn’t stand the dog hair anymore. Then I received a call from my mother-in-law asking if I wanted to come over and play some cards. I was just about to say no, when I ended up saying yes. I told her that I was struggling with some depression, but getting out of the house was probably a good idea. I wasn’t able to smile or laugh while I was over there, but I was able to get through the day without wishing I was dead the entire time. Sometimes, it’s important to push through, and that’s what I did by getting out of the house. I pushed through the pain and it actually helped.

When I got home, there were flowers on the counter. My husband went out and got me my favorite flowers, tiger lilies, and left them there for me to see when I got home. He can be so sweet and thoughtful. I made sure to tell him how much it meant that he did that for me. For a day that started out really horrible, it is actually ending all right. I pushed through the pain, and today it paid off.

It’s All Too Much

I’ve completed a few things so far today that needed to get done. I went and got my weekly blood work, this week it included a Clozapine level. I also emailed my psychiatrist to let him know how I’m doing. I let him know that I think my weakness and exhaustion is from ECT, not from Clozapine. For every step I take, it feels like I’m taking a thousand steps. Every single task I work on, even when I don’t complete them, requires a major effort. And it seems to be never-ending. Once I finish one task, there are three new ones to finish. It keeps increasing. Can’t people tell I’m not up for this right now? I know that I normally fake being okay, but I’m not even trying to fake anything right now. To fake being okay requires energy, and that is not something that I have at this time. All I can do is be myself; tired, confused, and distraught.

My husband has decided to look for a new car. Actually, my mother-in-law wants to get my husband a new car and give his current car to his brother. His immediate family is pretty much computer illiterate. His brother once told me it was amazing how I was going back and forth between two windows. So any time they want to do something, they always ask me. “Why don’t you ask Jodi? She could easily do that for you.” My only problem with that is I struggle to say no to anyone. I especially struggle to say no when I’m asked in front of a group of people. This time, it felt as if it was assumed that I would do whatever I was told to do or whatever was “asked” of me. It’s hard enough to get something done when you have one person telling you what they want, but when the decision is between two different people who aren’t in the same room, it becomes a major challenge. It is not something I want to get myself in the middle of.

Maybe I would feel a little better if I could get a few more things done that need to be done for me. Tasks such as cleaning the house would help me feel good. I even break that task down into smaller tasks so I feel productive as I’m cleaning. I already cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms a couple of days ago. All that’s left is to dust, vacuum, and mop. I wish I could get rid of my depression. It’s making life so difficult; every little task is a massive job. I just don’t want to do it anymore.

Time With My Granddaughter

Last night, my step daughter invited me and my husband over for dinner. We were both really excited because it meant that we would get to spend time with our granddaughter, who is almost 8 months old. Sometimes, I have a difficult time getting into ‘play time mode’ with her. My emotions take over and I often can’t help but feel sad because I can’t have children of my own. Of course, it is sad that I cannot have children, but it was a choice I made because I felt (and still feel) that it was the right thing to do. However, I do not want my emotions to get in the way of my relationship with my granddaughter or either of my grown step-kids.

Well, last night was different. It took me a little while to get into the swing of things, but after about 30 minutes, I was able to play with her. I could act goofy, play peek-a-boo, and play tickle monster with her. It felt amazing. She started to laugh for and at me. Simply seeing the joy on her face and watching her smile made my heart fill with delight. The fact that I could make her laugh and smile was breathtaking and I can’t wait to see her again. Plus, I continue to get closer with my step-daughter and her boyfriend. Watching the two of them become responsible adults is so wonderful; I can’t even imagine how great it must feel for my husband to watch them grow into mature and reliable adults.

After my husband and I got home, I started shopping online for clothes and toys to give to our granddaughter. I enjoy the shopping. In fact, I’ve tried to explain to my husband that the shopping is more for me than for her. Now, I just have to wait until I see my granddaughter again in one or two weeks. However, I will get to see my step-son in the next couple days, which is also exciting. I love my family and they do bring me so much joy. They can bring me temporary joy, but the depression is still there. At least they give me a break from it.

Who Am I?

I’ve been wondering lately, who am I? I know a lot of different things that are a part of me, but they’re not who I am. For example, I’m a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a dog owner. I have bipolar disorder and PTSD; these things are also a part of me. I like things to be neat and clean, I like to eat and to cook, and I love family. All of these things are a part of me, but none of them are who I am.

Maybe I’m like a puzzle; each of those things is one puzzle piece. When you put them all together in just the right way, you complete the puzzle and find out who you are. My only problem is that I don’t know where all of my puzzle pieces are. I don’t know most of the activities I enjoy and the things I don’t like. I have a lot of memory loss, making it difficult for me to know any of these things about myself. There’s so much of my past that I don’t remember, how could I ever know who I really am now? My past is a huge part of me, not all of me, and I’m missing so many of those memories.

I suppose that who I am is made up of my past and my present. Every little and big thing about me is a puzzle piece. My bipolar puzzle piece is no bigger or smaller than any of the other pieces; it’s a part of who I am, just like every other piece. I just wish I knew what the final puzzle looked like. Until then, all I know is that I’m not just one thing, I’m many things. I’m made up of so many things, positive, negative, and indifferent.

Productivity Difficulty

I’m home and I’m trying to get some things done today. I just don’t seem to have the energy or desire. When I was in Connecticut visiting my mom, I could get up and start doing things without a problem; it wasn’t difficult for me. However, now that I’m home, I notice that it seems to take a lot more effort. Why is that? Why is life easier in one place and harder in another? I wish I had the same amount of energy and desire no matter where I am. When I’m home, I rely on my routine, which I’m having a hard time following so far today. I had this same problem with productivity before I left for vacation; I think I have this problem any time I’m home. I almost always get things done, but it’s extremely difficult. I usually feel as if I’m pushing myself close to my breaking point. When I’m away, I do what I want, when I want, but it’s all so much easier to do and I’m much more productive.

Maybe it will just take me a little time to get back in the swing of things, hopefully. It’s possible that I’m just overwhelmed because there’s so much to do. My husband does try to clean up before I come back home. The thought he puts in is enough for me, it shows that he cares. Plus, no one can clean up as well as I can, at least not to my standards. I know my husband tried because the bed was made and there were no dishes in the sink. There are papers all over the place, but it could be a lot worse. I want to be a productive person, I want to get things done without pushing myself beyond my breaking point; however, productivity requires energy and efficiency. Maybe I can just do one thing an hour. I could also spend 20 minutes coloring in my new adult coloring books in-between each task I get done.

I still have to email my doctor, go grocery shopping, unpack, pick up the papers all over the house, pick up my prescriptions, return a gift that doesn’t work, and call a doctor’s office to debate a bill that they billed incorrectly (I think). It’s a lot to do, but it’s all written down on my to-do list. I need to be productive, for myself. I need to feel useful. The more I get done, the better I feel about myself.

Bipolar Creativity

It is a well-known fact that individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder are often very creative. Many of us who have bipolar disorder are overloaded with creativity during manic and hypomanic episodes. Usually, in the beginning of these episodes, we tend to sleep less and be more productive and happy. There are many different forms of art including music, writing, artwork (drawing or painting), photography, videography, acting, and many more. Personally, I tend to write more and organize my house when I’m manic or hypomanic. I don’t see anything wrong with embracing your creativity during these episodes; however, it’s still important to follow-up with your doctors and attempt to balance out your life. There is a thin line between being creative and having psychotic episodes; it’s happened to me several times.

I recently received a gift from my mom, who knows how neat and organized I like everything to be. She gave me an adult drawing book and some colored pencils. What a great surprise! One of the coloring books she got me is all postcards; you color in on one side and write your message and address on the other side. I have been using it as an outlet for my frustration and my energy. Today, I finished my first piece of artwork. I had to throw my first one away because I wasn’t happy with the way it turned out. Now, I can go back and forth between writing and drawing. They are both wonderful therapeutic tools for me to use.

You don’t have to be manic or hypomanic to be creative, although it is more common during those episodes. You don’t even have to be bipolar. All I’m saying is that many artists are predisposed to mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder; and many individuals diagnosed as bipolar are predisposed to being some type of artist. There are many famous and successful artists that lived years ago, before people believed in mental illnesses. Some of these famous artists include Leonardo da Vinci had bipolar and dyslexia, Michelangelo had OCD, Isaac Newton had bipolar disorder, Beethoven had bipolar disorder, and so did Vincent van Gogh. There are and have been so many world-wide famous artists that struggled with bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. I am inspired by these famous artists that struggled mentally but were very successful in their artwork. We don’t always have to look at our bipolar disorder as a deficit; sometimes there are good things that come out of the disorder, as long as we stay on top of everything and don’t let our episodes get too out of control.

Don’t Let Others Define You

It doesn’t take much for me to start feeling frustrated, upset, angry, and hurt. In fact, it happens pretty easily. Whatever the situation is, I do my best to talk myself through the frustration; I often end up pretending that everything is okay. I fake it until I make it. While this may not always be the healthiest way to manage emotions, it is fairly effective. However, there are sometimes that pretending everything is okay doesn’t work. I’ve tried over and over and, but still nothing has helped.

For example, a woman I’m very close with stopped reaching out to me. This is within her character; she is not a person that reaches out to just about anyone. At least I knew it wasn’t just me that she was ignoring. Our relationship had been strained, but was finally starting to improve, yet now that she was ignoring me again, everything started to become difficult again. I had reached out to her multiple times. I called a couple of times and left a voicemail, I sent text messages, and I also sent e-mails. Still, I heard nothing in return. I was frustrated, but mostly, I was hurt. I didn’t understand why everything was okay between us one day and then it wasn’t the next.

For a little while, I decided that I was going to stop reaching out to her. What’s the point of reaching out when you always get turned down or ignored? However, someone told me something that made me look at the situation in a completely different light. This person told me not to let other people define who I am or what I do. If I want to be someone who reaches out to friends and family, then I should continue to do that no matter what response I get. This made so much sense to me. I still want to have a relationship, so I should continue to reach out; maybe one day this person will reach out back to me. I should not change the things that I do and think of as important because of the actions of another person.

Family is the most important thing to me. So I need to keep reaching out to this person so that they know how much I care. If I stopped reaching out, then I couldn’t say that family is the most important thing to me. I am defined by many things such as my likes, dislikes, actions, and words to name a few. If I were to change how I act, then I would be changing who I am, and that’s not right. Also, if I ever want someone to reach out to me, then I need to reach out to them. It’s a two way street, and I’ve decided to keep my side of the street moving. The funniest part of it all is that once I made the decision to keep reaching out to this person, she responded to a text message. I’m glad I kept reaching out, because currently, the results are going pretty well.

I Pushed Myself and I’m Grateful

I pushed myself today, much further than I normally do. I took a Valium before I left with my mom, but the event was more than I expected. A friend of the family was putting on a fundraising party and we wanted to go and support it. We got there, and the parking lot was full. My heart started to beat out of my chest. We sat in the car for a little bit while I got the courage to go in. It only took about 5 minutes, and we went inside. I looked around and people were everywhere, both upstairs and downstairs. I stayed close to my mom, she makes me feel safe. I saw a couple of family friends that I wanted to see. We stayed about 30 minutes. I’m surprised I made it that long. People kept bumping into me and others were looking at me. I was terrified inside, and then my mom put her arm around me. I felt safe again. I was ready to go; I hate crowds and did not want to be there anymore. My mom knew by my body language that I was ready to leave, so she helped me make it out the door.

I was also worried that I was going to run into someone I grew up with, someone who I used to get high with. It really doesn’t matter, but I’m always afraid to run into some of these people. It’s really just a trigger, seeing people from my past. I have enough triggers already; I don’t need to add in people from my past. Luckily, I went to the event, stayed for 30 minutes, and left without running into a single person that I used to get high with. There were lots of people I know, but they were family friends, so that was okay.

We got to the car and my mom told me how well I did and how proud she was that I pushed myself to do that. I was still a little freaked out, but after a little while I was able to get myself to calm down. At that point, I was happy and grateful that I went to this event. I did it to show the person running in how much I care about her. Friends and family are important, and it is vital that we show them how much we care. I did the best that I could tonight. Everything was terrifying and felt awkward, but I did it. It was such a huge accomplishment for me. It’s okay to say no to some things, but it’s also okay to say yes. Today, I said yes, and I’m happy I did.

A Great Day

I did well today; better than I thought I would do. I got some things done around the house to help out. In the afternoon, I went to see my grandma and I had a great visit. Her health is declining and I tend to worry. We had several conversations; I love the fact that I can be open with her about my bipolar disorder and PTSD. There were several things she didn’t understand at first, but she listened to me explain various aspects of the disorders. She even repeated things back to me in her own words showing that she did grasp the concepts. I was able to explain to her how my moods can change suddenly; sometimes I am unable to laugh, sometimes all I can do is cry, and sometimes I feel nothing at all. She even tried to understand how my thoughts can take over my mind; how for the past many months, I have had suicidal ideations in the back of my mind. She asked how my ECT treatments are going and how I’m managing my medications. Even though she may not remember all of these things, she still cared enough to listen to my explanations and try to understand the disorders. Bipolar disorder and PTSD were not things that were considered ‘real’ when she was growing up. The fact that she can see them as real and care about my mental health means so much to me.

Then I was able to spend the evening with my mom. We went to dinner and a movie; we saw a chick flick, Mother’s Day. It was a good movie; not great, but not horrible. The best part of it all is that I got to spend time with my mom. I can talk to her about anything, and I’m not exaggerating. The two of us are happy doing anything, as long as we are together. Tomorrow, we are going to the Science Center to see a Leonardo da Vinci exhibit. I can’t wait to see it; the exhibit brings to life 40 of his inventions. I’m excited to have the opportunity to spend time with my mom; it’s a blessing that I’m extremely grateful for.

The best part of the day is that I didn’t take any Valium. There were probably a couple of times that it would have been beneficial, but I pushed through and did okay. I only want to take that medication when I absolutely need it. If I take it too often, then I build up a tolerance to it, and it doesn’t work as well. Today, I was able to get through my day without any Valium at all. That is a big deal for me. I’ve had other days that I didn’t take any, but I usually didn’t leave the house on those days. Today, I was out and about quite a bit, and I was able to manage it on my own.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Activities