Another Rough Day

Today is another rough, gloomy day. I keep beating myself up for many things. Some of these things I have no control over. For some reason, I’m being rough on myself because I’m bipolar. I know I have no control over that at all, but I’m still being hard on myself. I don’t really know why.

I’m thinking about asking my doctor to change meds, but I have a feeling that if I do I’ll slip into an even worse depression or possibly even a manic episode. I’m not going to make any changes for now, but I keep thinking about it.

My suicidal ideations are back. They weren’t really gone, but they were much less for the past couple weeks. I didn’t really realize that they lessened until they started up again with full force.

Amazing

I heard a song today that really hit home with me. I’ve heard it probably a hundred times over the years, but today I not only heard the song, I felt it. Listening to Amazing by Aerosmith, I felt my depression and suicidal ideations and I could feel myself working through all of it. I could remember and feel the times that I have hit rock bottom, the struggle to get back up, and the fight to stay alive.

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through
The pain

When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave, but couldn’t get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishin’ that I would die

It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light
It’s amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you’ll be alright
It’s amazing
And I’m sayin’ a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

That one last shot’s permanent vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life’s a journey, not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings

You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn’t listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeah
I was out on the street,
Just a tryin’ to survive
Scratchin’ to stay alive

It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light
It’s amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you’ll be alright
Oh, it’s amazing
And I’m sayin’ a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

Desperate hearts, desperate hearts

Songwriters: Richie Supa / Steven Tyler

Amazing lyrics © EMI April Music Inc

A Good Psych Appointment

My psychiatrist appointment yesterday went really well. First of all, I love the fact that he is always on time, he never runs late. The only medication change is an increase in Cytomel, my thyroid medication, because my thyroid level is off in my last blood work. Other than that, my suicidal ideations are about the same, my anxiety is worse, and my depression is improving slightly. He also said that my twitching that happens because of the Lithium should not be getting any worse and is not a permanent side effect. That’s not that bad. I go back to see him in three months, unless I decide to retry ECT, which is not something I want to do at this point.

Psychiatrist Appointment Later Today

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist later today. I’m all ready for it; I have my list of things I want to talk to him already in my purse so I don’t forget it. Now, all I have to do is get through the appointment. I always wonder what he thinks of me. Does he think I’m ridiculous because there’s nothing that can help me regularly? Probably not; he is the one that diagnosed me as bipolar 1, rapid cycling and treatment resistant. I probably think I’m ridiculous more than other people do. I think those type of things about myself more than other people do. Well, here’s to hoping the appointment goes well. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Bipolar and Seasonal Disorder

The sun sets so early now. At 5:30pm, the sunset begins. The days are getting shorter and shorter. It makes me feel as if I don’t want to do much of anything; I would rather sit around and fall asleep on the couch than do anything else. Activities are more difficult now.

Some people who are diagnosed with bipolar disorder also struggle with seasonal affective disorder or seasonal pattern. Basically, this happens during the winter when there is less light (the sunsets much earlier) and the weather changes. Individuals are more likely to go through depressive episodes during the winter.

Isolating

Many people diagnosed with bipolar disorder and other mental health disorders frequently tend to isolate, often without realizing it. Isolation is an unhealthy symptom of bipolar disorder. Isolation can fuel depression, then the depression makes the person want to isolate even more. If it wasn’t for my husband and family, who encourages me to get out of the house and talk to friends, then I probably wouldn’t see or talk to anyone.

I like to isolate, is it wrong that I would rather be alone than with people? I prefer to be by myself. I don’t get bored or lonely, at least not lately, and it’s a lot less stress when I’m alone. If it were up to me, I would only leave the house to run errands and go to appointments. But I know that’s not healthy. For me, it’s more work to be around people than it is to be alone. There are a lot of times when I don’t want to go out, but I do; then I’m glad I ended up going out. I have to remember that sometimes I enjoy myself when I go out. I can’t give up on socializing.

Heavy Thoughts

I woke up after only a few hours of sleep; my mind was wandering like it always does. Thoughts are going in and out of my brain, covering all different topics and raising questions that I don’t know the answer to. Instead of laying in bed and trying to go back to sleep, I give in to the racing thoughts and go out to the couch. I turn on the TV to help me drone out the racing thoughts that I can’t manage.

Normally, I can fall back asleep once I’m on the couch because of the TV background noise, but this time I have no luck. The air feels dense, my thoughts feel heavy. Every thought adds weight to my mind. I finally give up on falling back asleep, so that removes one of the many thoughts. I can’t give up on anything else, so I just have to fight my way through.

Finding Happiness

Getting through a bipolar depression episode is extremely difficult. I’ve been going through a depression for many months now, some days are better than others. I’ve been having a few good days lately because I am able to work out and I’m able to smile. Some days I’m not even able to smile. It’s on the easier days that I can work at finding happiness. For those with depression, we know that happiness is not something that just happens; for us, it takes a lot of work.

So what do I do to find happiness? Maybe watching a comedy, or listening to and dancing to some good music, spend time with or talk to friends/family, or do some things that you’re good at doing. For me, I would probably do some cooking and/or cleaning. I enjoy doing these things and I feel great when they’re all done. Reaching out to others is very important; it also helps me feel better.

Everyone is different; no matter what it is that helps you feel better, it’s important to figure out what that is and remember it for when you need it. Remembering is difficult, so I try to write down the things that help me. That way, when I’m in a depression, I have something to turn to.

How Did I Change?

I often think about how I was when I was younger. I was a happy child and I entertained myself easily with games and toys. My mom could and did bring me everywhere with her because I was so easy. I had my own desk supplies; I would tape and staple random papers together and then show my mom what I made. She says I was a simple child.

So what happened? I ask myself all of the time, where did that happy little girl go? I know what happened when I was a teenager, hormones. But what about the rest of the time? It seems like bipolar disorder took over my mind and body. I think that’s pretty accurate. I feel as if I’m the exact opposite of who I was when I was a child. I wish I could be that happy kid again. I know it’s not going to happen, but when I remember being that happy-go-lucky child, I can smile. That is a gift in itself.

Being Disabled

Being on disability is not easy. I’m on it because of my bipolar disorder, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder. As most of you know, dealing with the effects of these mental health disorders is difficult and exhausting. I have so many doctor appointments to manage. Going anywhere new is extremely difficult for me. In fact, my husband has to come with me whenever I go somewhere for the first time because I’ll have a panic attack. I don’t do well dealing with new people, specifically physical contact, I think that is from the PTSD. My social life is small because it’s difficult for me to meet and connect with people. I also struggle to keep in contact with the friends I already have because of the depression.

I wish I could contribute more to our financial status, instead I contribute in other ways. I keep myself busy managing my life and my husband’s life. I don’t know if my bipolar disorder will ever be stable again. It hasn’t been stable since 2009. I don’t know what my future holds, but it doesn’t appear to be a mentally stable state.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Depression