Tag: Bipolar

I Can’t Stand Solicitors

I Can’t Stand Solicitors

I hate solicitation. It makes me uncomfortable and full of fear. My husband’s idea is to get a “No Solicitation” sign to put in the front yard, I think that’s a great idea. Normally, our dog scares people away (he’s an 88 pound Pitbull mix), but not this time. Our dog is a sweetheart, but his size and bark tends to frighten people. When I’m home alone, I freak out any time the doorbell rings or when the dog starts to bark. It’s extremely scary for me. Even when my husband is home, I still get nervous, just not as much. I used to keep a baseball bat by the door to make me feel more comfortable. Sometimes I carry a knife with me to help me feel secure.

Yesterday, some guy came by the house trying to sell Tupperware. I told the guy at the door that I didn’t have time, but he kept talking. I told him my husband would be home shortly (which was a lie), so the salesman said he’ll come back in a little bit when my husband gets home. I told him we don’t have time. He said he’ll try coming back next week. I told him I’m not interested, but he still wants to come by again. I have a hard time being direct with people in these types of situations, it feels like confrontation. I wish I could just tell solicitors that I don’t want whatever they are selling and not to come back.

Trying To Manage Anxiety

Trying To Manage Anxiety

My anxiety seems to be getting a little worse lately. I’ve been using more Valium than I normally do. I’m fearful of anything new, anything that I don’t know. For example, I haven’t gotten my hair cut in over a year because I don’t remember where I used to go. Anywhere I go would be new. Having someone behind me terrifies me no matter what they’re doing. I live close to a high school and an elementary school. At the end of the school day, there are always a few teenagers waiting for their rides by my front lawn. When that happens, I can’t go outside to get to my car. No matter what my plans are, I have to wait because I’m too afraid and anxious.

Crowds are a problem because people are all around and behind you. My husband makes it possible for me to do some things such as go to hockey games. I never lose sight of him, he stands behind me in lines so I feel safe, and holds my hand through the crowds. We have a system that works for us in any crowded situation, and he is wonderful about helping me. I’ve been pushing myself to do more such as going to a support group and going to stores I’ve never been to before. I just have to be careful not to overdo things.

Possible Access Difficulties

Possible Access Difficulties

I’ve made some changes to my blog today, just a couple of improvements. I was warned after I made the changes that they possibly could make it difficult for people to access my site. These difficulties could last up to a couple of days. If anyone has any issues, please contact me at jlpallone@hotmail.com. I apologize in advance if there are any problems.

Support Group Is Improving

Support Group Is Improving

I went to the same support group last night; that’s three weeks in a row. I didn’t stay as long because I wanted to get home to my husband, who just had an epidural a couple hours before the group started. The first two times, I found some things to be frustrating about the group, but it was probably all of my fears since it was new to me. However, yesterday went really well. Nothing was frustrating. It was actually enjoyable. I think I will continue going back. I won’t be going next week because it is 3rd anniversary with my husband.

There’s another support group that’s somewhat close to me and I’ve been thinking about trying that one as well. I’m nervous about that because it’s new to me. But the one I go to now was new just a few weeks ago, and I made that one work.

Never Give Up

Never Give Up

I keep trying, over and over again. If it doesn’t work out the first time, I try again. Sometimes it may take me a while, but it’s important not to give up. This can extend to anything in life. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Right now, I’m just trying to get my medications right. In the past 6 months, I went on Clozapine slowly, I went off of Mirapex and then back on Mirapex, I went off of Deplin, and I also stopped doing ECT treatments. I’ve done almost everything my psychiatrist suggested. The only thing I haven’t tried is IV Ketamine; I’m leaving that as an absolute last resort. My emotional state goes up and down, but it hasn’t been healthy or steady for a very long time, probably about 7 or 8 years.

No matter how bad it gets, I never give up. I may not be happy to do certain treatments, but I try. I give each treatment enough time to work before deciding if it’s right for me or not. This time, I’m going to give the Mirapex another couple of weeks before deciding if I need to try something else, which would be IV Ketamine. The most important thing is that I don’t give up before the miracle happens.

Myoclonic Jerk

Myoclonic Jerk

I have what my psychiatrist calls, myoclonic jerks. Basically, it’s just a lot of twitching. My hands twitch the most, making it difficult to hold things. My arms/shoulders, legs, and head also twitch. It can make certain tasks difficult to do. When feeding the dog, I often drop the scoop of food before I get to the dog bowl, making a huge mess that luckily my dog is happy to clean up. I also drop things such as my phone and water bottles. It gets really annoying. I don’t drop as much if I hold things with both hands; it helps, but it’s not a complete solution.

I’ve been dealing with these twitches for a while now. It started out as just one hand, then another, then my arm, then the other arm, and now my legs. I’ve talked to my psychiatrist about this when it started. I should probably talk to him about it again and let him know that the twitching is getting worse. I see him in 3 weeks, but I could always email him to let him know. I also want to know if it’s possible for the myoclonic jerks to go away or will they continue to get worse?

Suicidal Ideations

Suicidal ideations are not something that is talked about a lot. I know that I won’t talk about it in my support group because I don’t want the facilitator to have me admitted to the hospital. Since I’m not comfortable talking about it in my support group, I thought I would try to do it here. I’m not actually a danger to myself. It’s not something I want to do, it’s just something I think about.

I deal with suicidal ideations on a daily basis. For some reason, my brain keeps thinking about suicide. I think about how and when to do it, but after I think about that, I think about my mom and my husband. I could never do that to them. For me, they are more than a good enough reason to stay alive. I just wish I could get my brain to stop thinking about suicide. I think I’ve been dealing with these thoughts for more than a year this time. It’s exhausting.

Treatment Resistant Bipolar

Treatment Resistant Bipolar

My psychiatrist has categorized me as treatment resistant. Basically, that means that I don’t respond to at least two standard treatments. It means I’m non-responsive to the normal treatments that usually work for others. There are a lot of medications that I’ve tried that don’t work for me. I also tried ECT, which worked for a while, but after quite some time it became too much for me to handle.

No matter what, I keep trying, even if I’m not getting positive results. If I don’t try, then there’s no way to find a solution. By trying to work at it, there’s a possibility, no matter how big or small, that something good could come out of it. At least I’m only considered treatment resistant, and not treatment intolerant.

Juicing Mess Up

Juicing Mess Up

Today is day 11 of the juicing fast. I am admitting that my husband and I have messed up for dinner two different nights. I do fine all day long. I have no cravings or desires to eat ‘bad’ foods. However, once the night-time hits, I crave all sorts of food. I really don’t like this juice fast. Honestly, it sucks. But I am seeing some wonderful benefits that make it worth continuing.

We are doing the best that we can. The best part is that even after we slip up, we go back to the juicing. We don’t let our mistakes take control. We have found a couple of new drinks that we both like. This morning, we are starting fresh after the mistake we made last night.

Passing Time

Passing Time

I have some spare time since I’m on disability and can’t work, but I keep myself occupied. I make to-do lists at night to help me stay focused for the next day. My to-do list has required activities as well as optional activities. If it’s not on my list, it’s not going to get done. Getting to cross things off of my to-do list makes me feel good. I spend a lot of time going to doctor appointments, maintaining my life, maintaining my husband’s life, taking care of our home, running errands, cooking, and cleaning to name a few things.

When I’m at home, I always have the TV on in the background, whether I’m watching it or not. It helps me to have background noise. For some reason, my mind tends to wander when there’s silence. When I’m not doing something from my to-do list, I often explore various things online, play games, or watch TV. No matter what I’m doing, I try to find a balance between relaxation time and constructive time. I’m still working on it, but I think I’ll find the right combination at some point.

My to-do list from yesterday was small. Sometimes I add to it as the day goes on.

October 26, 2016
Go through my email
Check my blog
Doctor appointment
Grocery Store
Go to the bank
Research medicare options
Cut up melons and pineapple