Waiting Is The Hardest Thing To Do

Right now, I’m waiting, and I’ve been waiting for days. I’m waiting for the results to my Clozapine level blood work. The results to this test will tell my doctor whether or not he wants to increase the dosage of my Clozapine. I’m currently at 200 mg every night. I did the blood work on Friday. My normal weekly blood work was completed on Friday, but the Clozapine level takes longer to come back. I just don’t know how long; I even tried to figure out how long it would take by researching it online, but I came up empty-handed. I told my psychiatrist that I’m in a depression. I informed him that I’m sleeping too much, I’m overeating, I feel worthless and empty, and I’m easily irritable. He told me to hang in there; we are waiting for the results of the Clozapine level. Once we have the results, then we can figure out our next step.

So now I’m just waiting. I’m waiting for my blood test results, I’m waiting to find out what change my psychiatrist wants to make, and I’m waiting to start feeling better. When you’re waiting for something, every moment seems to drag on and on. I’m just trying to get through this, one moment at a time, but how much longer do I have to wait? Even if my psychiatrist decides to add a new anti-depressant, we all know that it takes 4 to 6 weeks for the medication to start working, if it’s going to work at all. So that’s more waiting. No one should have to wait this long to feel better.

I’m compliant with anything I’m told to do by my doctors. However, I am getting sick and tired of it all. I wouldn’t mind the waiting, if I knew that there were going to be positive results. I also wouldn’t mind the waiting if I knew that the positive results that I was going to get would be more than just temporary. We all know that no medication to treat bipolar disorder is permanent. Every time we try a medication, our bodies react differently; we almost never react the same way twice. How a medication works varies depending on our current mental state, the medications we’re currently taking, and any treatments we’re currently undergoing.

I just wish there was an easy answer to treating bipolar depression and mania. There should be an answer, an easy way to help us, where we don’t have to spend most of our time waiting. My bipolar disorder is very gray, nothing is absolute, and everything is questionable. I wish my bipolar disorder was more black and white, I wish it had easier, faster, and more accurate answers.

Think Before Reacting

It is vital, but not easy, in life to think before reacting. People tend to react to situations automatically, at least I know that I do. I usually react by being overly polite, I almost always say yes to whatever anyone asks me, and I let people walk all over me. I have a very hard time standing up for myself. Some others have the opposite problem. Both situations are difficult to handle. This is why people could benefit from thinking before reacting. I’ve been trying to do this in my daily life, but I struggle to do it on my own. Some of the techniques I use are:

Take a moment to respond. Don’t force yourself to react immediately.
Think about what you would tell someone else to do/say if they were in your position.
Practice your response with another person if possible, or just practice with yourself.

I usually respond immediately, telling people I will do what they want and I insist that it’s no problem, even though it is an issue. I almost always put other people before myself. It’s important to stand up for yourself; I guess that’s something I’ll have to continue to work on.

When you stand up for yourself, you don’t necessarily have to explain your response to anyone. Your answer to someone’s question is enough. If you can’t do something for another person, then that should be enough. We are not children, we don’t need to justify everything we say. Speak up and clearly when you are standing up for yourself, and remember it’s okay to say “no”. Being assertive is a good thing; it’s not being mean or rude. Practice standing up for yourself. I ask my husband and my mom for help all the time. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. I think it actually makes you stronger.

Depression Triggers

This depressive episode has me dealing with some depression symptoms that are not normal for me. My symptoms include weight gain, hopelessness, inability to feel pleasure, lack of interest, sadness, extreme fatigue, sleeping more than normal, excessive hunger, restlessness, and suicidal ideations. I push myself to get through this every day. I make myself get out of the house because I know it’s good for me. Just because it’s good for me doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.

I’m trying to figure out why this depressive episode is even happening. Normally, I can pinpoint the reason or trigger for an episode, either depressive or manic. Some of the reasons are medication induced, situational, or emotional. The problem is that I can’t find the reason for this depressive episode. I’m wondering if it’s possible that my recent ECT treatment could have caused this depression. I had already started to feel slightly depressed when I had the treatment, but I have felt so much worse ever since I woke up from it. It feels like ECT was a jumpstart into depression.

Does it even really matter what the cause is for any episode? I suppose the reason to know what triggered an episode is to help for the future. If you know what caused a depressive episode, then you can avoid that trigger in the future. I’ve been doing ECT treatment for over a year, and this is the first time I’m having problems like this. It may not be a trigger for me, but it may have been the thing that pushed me over the edge. Other things I’ve been experiencing that can cause depression are poor sleep habits, poor diet, weight gain, other health problems, and feeling home sick. I wonder, with this such as weight gain and poor diet, which was first. Did they occur first as a symptom of bipolar depression or were they triggers for the bipolar depression?

My Wellness Toolbox

A wellness toolbox is a list of any and all of the tools that an individual has found to be helpful from their own personal life experience. Everyone’s wellness toolbox is different because they are based on personal experience. A wellness toolbox can be edited as you learn new helpful tools and/or cross of ones that no longer work for you. My wellness toolbox contains the following tools:

Blog
Clean the house
Talk to or meet up with a friend
Cook (organize ingredients and make a whole meal)
Listen to Jennifer’s Rabbit by Tom Paxton (a song from my childhood)
Take the dog for a walk
Call friends from support groups
Organize anything I can find
Play the piano
Workout and eat healthy
Go to therapy or a support group
Watch old family videos
Look through old photos
Avoid caffeine
Light candles that smell good
Stay away from crowds
Watch a funny video or movie
Color in my adult coloring books

I have done several of the things in my wellness toolbox, so at least I know I’m on the right track. I’m also planning on cooking tonight, so that’s another thing I’m doing for myself. There are some things I’ve tried, but wasn’t able to do, such as coloring. I tried but couldn’t do it for some reason. I guess I’ll try it again a little later.

This is the reason I completed the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP), to help me and my loved ones when I’m struggling with either mania or depression. I’ve already found it useful. I’ve even added something to my toolbox; the coloring is a new tool. I will keep my wellness toolbox handy so I can reference it whenever necessary.

Another Day of Depression

I went to bed last night hoping that today was going to be different. When I woke up, I knew that it was going to be another day dealing with depression. The first sign was that I slept until 10am. I don’t sleep that late when I’m feeling well. Then my mom called me, which normally makes me happy, but this time I couldn’t feel anything. I’m dealing with a loss of interest in things I normally enjoy. My energy level is extremely low, everything feels like a major tasks. Even writing has become a huge task, but I force myself to do it.

Yesterday, I forced myself to get out of the house and go to my mother-in-laws when she invited me. It was extremely difficult, but I did it, and I’m glad I did it. It helped me feel a little better. Maybe today I should do the same thing. There’s a friend’s house I could go to; she understands depression and doesn’t judge me at all. I’m going to try my hardest to go over there in little while. I actually just made plans with her, that way I have someone to stay accountable to.

I’m pushing myself so hard. Sometimes I feel like I should just give in to the depression. It would be easier to just let go, but I need to put up a fight. Although, I’m wondering what the reason is why I’m fighting the depression. Am I doing this for my family or my husband? Is it possible that I’m doing this for myself? I don’t even know if the reason why matters. The most important thing is that I am fighting the depression. I’m not simply giving up. There are a lot of things that I could do to help. One thing I could do is to look at my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) and looking through my wellness toolbox for suggestions that I know are helpful when I’m in a depression.

Inside My Depression

I’m in it, inside the depression; it has taken my energy, my thoughts, and my will. I’m not myself, but I can’t even remember who I normally am. I can’t seem to get things done. It has been weeks since I’ve cleaned my house. Normally I clean the whole house once a week. I keep putting it on my to-do list, but I never seem to be able to get it done. Anything and everything is close to impossible. Every moment is a fight against myself, and it feels as if I’m losing.

I’ve done this many times before. It’s not my first depression, or my second, or third, and so on. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 14 years old. It’s been 17 years that I’ve been trying to manage my diagnosis. I just wish that I could find the peace and keep it just a little bit longer instead of going from one episode to another. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been depressed or manic. The most important part is that I get through it every time. No matter how deep the episode is, no matter how hopeless the depression gets, I’ve gotten through it before and I’ll get through it again.

I wish I could get through this quicker. I know this sounds weird, but a part of me wishes I was manic. Then I would at least have energy and be productive. I’m not thinking about the negative aspects of mania, I’m just thinking that I don’t want to feel the depression I’m in. Right now, I’m sleeping way to much (I keep falling asleep on the couch), I feel worthless, I feel empty, I’m overeating, I have a decreased interest in almost everything, and just about everything is irritating. I’m lucky that I haven’t started crying yet, hopefully it will stay that way; I hate it when I cry. When I say I want to be manic, it’s just because I don’t want to deal with this depression. I want what I currently don’t have. It would be best if I could just be even, not depressed or manic, but I don’t know if that’s reasonable.

I will get through today; I always do. I have a great support system. Everyone I know offers their help. My husband just asked me if he could do anything. I thanked him for offering, but there’s nothing he could do. I wish there was something that other people could do, but I can’t think of anything. Simply knowing that people close to me truly care is helpful. Just knowing that they are there to support me makes me feel a little better; right now, every little bit counts.

Overwhelmed and Anxious

I have so many things to get done in a limited amount of time. So many things, such little time to do it in; we’ve all heard that before, we’ve all probably said that before. Right now, that seems to be my life, except I feel frozen. I’m struggling to get things done, even some of the smallest things. All I can think about is all of the other tasks I need to complete. It’s weird to have your brain running so fast but also be frozen at the same time. What do I do now? Where do I start? Sometimes I feel as if I’m outside of my own body. I feel as if I’m looking at myself and all the things I need to do, and still can’t get it all done.

I feel off, something feels off and I can’t pinpoint it. Is it because I forgot to take my Clozapine two nights ago? Maybe it’s because I’m on a time schedule? It could be because I’m dealing with what appears to be a minor depressive episode, hopefully it doesn’t get worse. It could just be because I’m about to go on another trip to visit my family. I love my family and we get along wonderfully, but it’s still stressful. I’m really looking forward to seeing my family. I can’t wait to have one-on-one time with my mom, nieces, nephew, aunt, grandma, and more. There are so many people to see, and I have only one week to get it all done in.

My best friend from high school just reached out to me and she wants to get together for lunch while I’m back where I grew up. I haven’t seen or talked to this girl since I was 17 or 18 years old. Now, she wants to catch up and that worries me. Now that I think about it, this is probably why I’m having so many issues right now. This is overwhelming. I tend to have anxiety attacks when I go visit my friends that I see regularly, what will happen when if I visit with someone I haven’t seen or talked to in over a decade. Thank goodness for Valium. I don’t take it that often when I’m in my normal surroundings, but I know I will go through quite a lot while I’m away. I won’t take more than I’m supposed to, but I’m allowed two 10 mg pills a day, and that is a lot to me.

Alone but Wearing a Mask

How is it possible that I can be surrounded by people I’m comfortable with (which is not an easy task), yet I still feel alone? In fact, I tend to feel even more alone, lonely, and depressed than I do when I’m actually all by myself. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I feel good about myself when I’m all alone, but for some reason I tend to feel even worse about who I am when I’m surrounded by others. This is especially how I feel in the past couple weeks.

Feeling like this makes it extremely difficult to pretend everything is okay when in a group of people. I have become pretty good at faking okay. I have some automatic responses and a fake smile that goes along with those answers. It’s as if I’m wearing a mask, but I’ve recently found out that there are aspects of bipolar that I can’t cover up.

The extreme episodes can be read on my face, even if I can deter some of the manic or depressive behavioral changes. I have had people who work at stores that I regularly visit who have pointed out that they can tell something is wrong. Usually it’s my anxiety, panic, and restlessness that tell people I’m faking it. I’ve been told that my face shows how I’m really feeling, despite what I say or how I act.

I’m aware that any emotion I feel while either manic or depressed, is not always real. If I seem to be happy, it’s probably just because I’m manic and can’t sit still or control my emotions. And when I’m depressed, just because I fake a smile doesn’t mean I’m really happy or feel good. The truth is that lately, I pretty much feel alone, no matter what. This has nothing to do with my friends or family. I know that I am loved and supported, especially by my husband and my mother. But I can’t help how I feel or my mood swings. If only I could show people how much they mean to me, no matter how I feel, but that is not something that I see as a possibility, at least not for today.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Depressed