My back is feeling better from yesterday’s ECT treatment, which I’m very grateful for. I decided I could go on with my day of doing errands, cleaning up the house, and working out. I started with short Zumba video. They’re pretty fun and they work very well. My husband called while I was in the middle of the video to tell me about an estate sale just up the road that he really wanted me to go to. We’re looking for some bedroom furniture, especially nightstands. Some of our stuff broke during the move.
I felt pressured into going, so I told him I wasn’t sure if I could make it. To be honest, I was saying that so I had out. I was terrified at the thought of going. There were going to be so many people in one small house (a house and people who I don’t even know at all), I just wasn’t sure if I could do it. I took a Valium and did some stuff around the house, waiting for it to kick in. Finally, it started working. I drove over to the estate sale and parked out-of-the-way. I stayed in my car for a while, but eventually I went in.
I looked around everywhere and tried to be polite to the people I passed. This whole situation was overwhelming, especially since I didn’t end up buying anything. However, I did it, I went by myself. That’s a huge step for me. I thought my heart was going to explode the entire time, but I made it through!
I had another ECT treatment today. I restarted ECT in February of this year, and since then I think I’ve had 20 treatments. That does not include the first time I did ECT, which was in 2015. While the treatment does help me, it also destroys my memory.
Today’s treatment left me in quite a bit of pain. My husband says it’s always like that, but I can never remember (which is probably a good thing). The anesthesiologist had a hard time getting my IV in. He put it in my wrist, which does not feel good, but he had some problems and it ended up bleeding all over the place. He finally got it in my arm, which did not hurt. I hope he won’t continue to put the IV in my wrist after today’s mess.
My wrist continues to hurt from him digging around trying to find a vein. There’s a big bump there, hopefully that will go away soon. I only have one more ECT treatment before I go on vacation with my mom. It’s nice to have something to look forward to.
I had a rough day yesterday. I was stressed and my anxiety level was very high. I was able to keep myself from having a panic attack, but the anxiety attack was still pretty rough. The Valium helped. I also used some breathing techniques, just simple breathing in and out, not too fast and not too slow. The breathing helps me stay calm and focusing on it also helps me forget what I’m anxious about, even if it’s just for a minute or two.
Today seems like a better day. I have a normal amount of anxiety. I’m more frustrated than anything else, and I don’t really know why. I generally don’t know why I feel the way I do. I’m going to go get a bunch of stuff done. Being productive often makes me feel better.
I have difficulty with a lot of things. I have an extremely hard time saying no to people. I struggle to stand up for myself. Even when someone asks me what I want to do, I have a hard time answering them. I would rather do something I don’t want to do and be unhappy (without saying I’m unhappy, of course) that tell someone what I really want. Life feels like a giant problem, as if it’s an obstacle I may never complete, but I’m not giving up.
My ex, from before I got sober, was very abusive. I suppose that it just became second nature to do whatever he wanted. I would never dare to say no to him; I knew what the punishment would be if I didn’t behave properly. Even though he’s gone, I still react that way. I want to stop putting others before myself, but I haven’t been able to. Reacting the way I do is a force of habit. It has nothing to do with the people I’m with today, such as my husband, family, or friends; it has everything to do with me.
I’m working hard at eating healthy. It’s not an easy thing, but I’m trying. My doctor was talking to me about getting healthy and losing weight. She kept talking to me as if I was stupid and didn’t know what I’m supposed to be eating. I explained to her that I know what I should eat, but knowing doesn’t really mean much. There’s a huge difference between knowing something and putting it into action.
With food, my worst time of day is at night, specifically in the middle of the night between 11pm and 5am. I don’t know why I eat things then. When I can’t sleep, it seems like I fill my bored, tired body with food. It’s completely unnecessary, but I do it anyways. I can eat healthy all day long and then I go and mess it up in the middle of the night for no reason. I’m going to keep working on it. I’ll try again tonight not to eat for no reason.
Food is another addiction of mine. I’m already sober from drugs and alcohol. I know I need to add food to that list, but it’s a really hard thing to do. I’m grateful to have all the love and support that I do have. My family is understanding and encouraging.
I’ve been struggling more and more lately with memory problems. There are so many things in my past that are completely blank, which does have some benefits. However, there are negatives as well. For example, I don’t remember what pushed me over the side and decided to get sober. I don’t remember most of my childhood and I don’t even remember my time in college when I was taking classes on campus.
In addition to my memory problems, I’m also having a hard time finding the right words when speaking. I did some research and found out that this is called Aphasia. There are different types of Aphasia. Mine appears to be Expressive Aphasia, which is when the person knows what they want to say, but has a hard time communicating it to others. I’m worried that this is going to get worse. It’s been pretty difficult and annoying to deal with. I see my psychiatrist at ECT tomorrow morning, so I will probably mention it to him and see what he has to say.
My weight has gotten out of control. Since I don’t drink or use drugs anymore (for the past 13 years), I usually eat when I’m stressed or when problems arise. And since I’ve been having so many problems lately, I’ve been eating a lot. I’m trying to stop. I want to and need to lose weight. In a little over two months, I’m going to go to Cape Cod to spend time with my family. When I go, I really want to be comfortable in a bathing suit. Actually, I want to feel comfortable in any type of clothes. I don’t need to lose all of the weight I’ve gained, just some of it. I have to try. I can do this.
There are some guys coming by today from Terminix, hopefully to fix the pest problem that we’ve been having. Our rashes have only gotten worse, so I’m really hoping they have the solution. I am so desperate for a solution that I even scheduled the inspection when my husband isn’t home, it will be just me here when they come by. I’m extremely nervous. In fact, I’m so nervous that I had a hard time sleeping last night. I think I should probably take a Valium today to help keep me calm while I wait for them and while they are here. My heart jumps with every noise I hear, thinking that it could be them at the door. Maybe I watching the bunnies and quails outside will help calm me down.
They guy called to see if he could come early, so I didn’t have any time to take a Valium. I called my mom and had her talk to me while I waited for him. She helped cal me down. I was still nervous when the guy got here, but I think I did okay. I kept a knife in my pocket, just in-case, plus it made me feel a little more secure. I dealt with the situation pretty well, but now I have even more to deal with.
I’m trying to get settled into our new house, but it seems to be a never-ending job. We have a lot of stuff that we are going to donate to Goodwill. They are even going to come out and pick it up because it’s too big and too heavy for us to bring to them. Now is when my anxiety and fears kick in. Simply calling to ask them to come pick everything up is difficult for me. I can’t have them come to the house unless my husband is here, otherwise I’m simply asking for a panic attack. The idea of anyone I don’t know coming over scares me. I wish I could get over this fear. I wish I could get my heart to calm down when the doorbell rings or when someone knocks on the door. I’ll just keep trying.
Yesterday, my husband and I received our ID cards for the HOA that we live in now. This place is amazing. They have so many clubs and activities that we can use/join. There’s a pottery club that both me and my husband want to join. We met a couple of people there yesterday (I had taken a Valium) and they were really nice. We have to call this one woman who will teach us what we need to know to begin, since neither of us have any experience. Once you’ve learned how to do it, you can do the work on your own. I’ve been trying to get up the courage all day to call this woman, and I still can’t do it. There are other options like a woodworking shop, a workout room, a pool, a Pinochle club, and much more. I don’t think I’ll be able to do any of it on my own, at least for now. My husband provides me with comfort. Once I feel comfortable at the recreation center with him, maybe I’ll try going without him, but that won’t happen for a while.
I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to get the courage to do something new or different. It’s probably because of the PTSD. I’ve come a long way in regards to my PTSD, but I still have quite a way to go. Each time that I push myself to try something new or different, I grow stronger and more capable. I just have to remember not to overdo it. It’s okay to give myself a break.
I’m getting frustrated pretty easily. I keep pushing my frustration down, but maybe that’s not the best thing to do. Yesterday, my car decided not to start. It ended up working out okay, but it pissed me off when it happened. It’s just another thing to add to the list of crap that I’m dealing with.
When I get frustrated, I generally get very quiet. I usually don’t talk, smile, or do anything; I’m just there. Every once in a while, I will vent to my mom or my husband. I think I should allow myself to express my frustration, otherwise I’m afraid it will erupt at some point.
I wasn’t always like this. I used to be able to express my frustration and anger, but now, even the idea of it scares me. I even get scared when I’m around others that are full-blown angry because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I have a fear of the unknown. I need to find a happy medium. I know it’s not healthy to be angry every day, but it’s also not healthy to pretend not to be angry.