Category: Anxiety and Panic

What A Relief

What A Relief

Just as I published my previous post saying how anxious I was because I was because there were going to be a dryer delivery and a Goodwill pick up… the doorbell rang. Goodwill came early! I was ecstatic! My husband was home, so I felt more comfortable, and then I knew that the delivery/pickups wouldn’t overlap. I guess I have better luck that I thought. Now, my day is going to go a little smoother and easier. I’m still nervous about the dryer delivery, but now it’s a lot more manageable.

Day Filled With Anxiety

Day Filled With Anxiety

Today is a very busy day filled with anxiety. I have a Sears coming between 12pm and 2pm to deliver a new dryer because the other one broke over the weekend. I also have Goodwill coming to pick up a bunch of stuff, and of course they’re coming between 12pm and 2pm as well. That will be a lot of activity, and a lot of strangers, at once, and my husband will be at work. I will have to take a Valium, probably around 11am, so I’m ready for these people when they get here.

I’m nervous about both things happening today. I was originally told that both would be between 7am and 5pm. Of course, with my good luck, they both called and narrowed it down between 12pm and 2pm. I’m hoping they don’t come at the exact same time, but I suppose I’ll just have to go with the flow.

Trying To Solve My Difficulties

Trying To Solve My Difficulties

My days seem to be getting longer and longer. I’ve been extremely busy lately and I can’t seem to get everything done that I plan to do. I’m stressed out way beyond my normal breaking point. It feels like I’m just waiting for the next disaster to happen, but I have no clue what it’s going to be or when it’s going to happen. Hopefully, I will have a bit of a break before the next catastrophe.

I had ECT this morning. Every time, my doctor asks me to rate my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and irritability. For the past couple months, every time he has asked me, my numbers have gone done, which is wonderful. However, today, just about everything was between 7 and 9. Life has been overwhelming in almost every way. Just when I think it can’t get any more stressful, it does. My doctor asked me if I wanted to do ECT once a week for a while, instead of every other week, until I start feeling better. I turned him down. I told him that I want to wait to see if things will improve when the situations in my life start to improve (hopefully that happens).

My therapist called me today because I missed our appointment the other day. In the several years that I’ve been seeing him, that has only happened twice. He was just calling to make sure I was okay. I told him everything that’s going on in the past couple days; the bed bugs, broken dryer, and the problem with my debit card. I also told him about choosing not to go back to weekly ECT, and he was supportive of my decision, which made me feel more confident in my choice.

Remembering

Remembering

I don’t know why, but for some reason I always remember the things I don’t want to remember and I forget the things I do want to remember. Why do I always remember the things/events that cause me anxiety and pain? I wish I could change that. I would like to remember things that would allow my life to be a little easier, but that’s not going to happen. For example, I asked the bug inspector guy lots of questions when he was at my house. He answered all of my questions thoroughly, and I can’t remember any of his answers. Now I need to call him and ask him some of those questions again.

I get nervous when I need to make phone calls to anyone other than family. I don’t want this added anxiety.  My heart races when I have to talk to someone I don’t know, whether it’s on the phone or in person. When will this ever go away?

Yesterday’s Disaster

Yesterday’s Disaster

Yesterday, I found out that we have bed bugs. There’s not a lot of them, so the guy thinks it will be easy to take care of; however, it was just another thing to add to the list of crap that has been happening to us lately. Taking care of this issue is not only extremely expensive, but it takes a lot of work, time, and energy. We have to wash and dry all of the bedding, pillows, drapes, shoes, and clothes (from under the bed, the dresser, and the bottom shelf of the closet). Then everything has to be sealed in plastic bags and put in the garage.

I started doing this yesterday, and then the dryer stopped working. That’s when I lost it. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. My thoughts were so negative with suicidal ideations that wouldn’t go away. My husband ended up coming home two hours early from work. That was a huge help. I finally stopped crying and was able to function. We took everything that had to be washed/dried to the laundromat. We ended up doing 12 loads of laundry all at once. He was so helpful and supportive. Without his assistance, I would have spent the rest of the day crying with horrible thoughts in my head.

We probably got at least half of everything done. I still have more work that has to be done, but I have until Wednesday to finish it all. Hopefully we don’t have any more crises happen in our lives for a little while. I know life will always happen, but I’m hoping for a break from other disasters.

Home Alone

Home Alone

There are some guys coming by today from Terminix, hopefully to fix the pest problem that we’ve been having. Our rashes have only gotten worse, so I’m really hoping they have the solution. I am so desperate for a solution that I even scheduled the inspection when my husband isn’t home, it will be just me here when they come by. I’m extremely nervous. In fact, I’m so nervous that I had a hard time sleeping last night. I think I should probably take a Valium today to help keep me calm while I wait for them and while they are here. My heart jumps with every noise I hear, thinking that it could be them at the door. Maybe I watching the bunnies and quails outside will help calm me down.

They guy called to see if he could come early, so I didn’t have any time to take a Valium. I called my mom and had her talk to me while I waited for him. She helped cal me down. I was still nervous when the guy got here, but I think I did okay. I kept a knife in my pocket, just in-case, plus it made me feel a little more secure. I dealt with the situation pretty well, but now I have even more to deal with.

Walking Alone

Walking Alone

Last night, my husband wasn’t up for going on a walk like we normally do, he just wasn’t feeling well. However, I still had to go get the mail, and I decided to make a walk out of it. I simply walked in a circle; up a couple of streets, over one block, and back home. It only took me 15 minutes; however, my heart was racing the entire time. I was so afraid, I kept jumping every time I heard a noise. I knew I was walking in a safe neighborhood, but I couldn’t help my reactions. I don’t think I want to go on walks anymore without my husband. Although, the only way I’ll get comfortable walking on my own is with practice.

Settling Into Our New Home and New Community

Settling Into Our New Home and New Community

I’m trying to get settled into our new house, but it seems to be a never-ending job. We have a lot of stuff that we are going to donate to Goodwill. They are even going to come out and pick it up because it’s too big and too heavy for us to bring to them. Now is when my anxiety and fears kick in. Simply calling to ask them to come pick everything up is difficult for me. I can’t have them come to the house unless my husband is here, otherwise I’m simply asking for a panic attack. The idea of anyone I don’t know coming over scares me. I wish I could get over this fear. I wish I could get my heart to calm down when the doorbell rings or when someone knocks on the door. I’ll just keep trying.

Yesterday, my husband and I received our ID cards for the HOA that we live in now. This place is amazing. They have so many clubs and activities that we can use/join. There’s a pottery club that both me and my husband want to join. We met a couple of people there yesterday (I had taken a Valium) and they were really nice. We have to call this one woman who will teach us what we need to know to begin, since neither of us have any experience. Once you’ve learned how to do it, you can do the work on your own. I’ve been trying to get up the courage all day to call this woman, and I still can’t do it. There are other options like a woodworking shop, a workout room, a pool, a Pinochle club, and much more. I don’t think I’ll be able to do any of it on my own, at least for now. My husband provides me with comfort. Once I feel comfortable at the recreation center with him, maybe I’ll try going without him, but that won’t happen for a while.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to get the courage to do something new or different. It’s probably because of the PTSD. I’ve come a long way in regards to my PTSD, but I still have quite a way to go. Each time that I push myself to try something new or different, I grow stronger and more capable. I just have to remember not to overdo it. It’s okay to give myself a break.

Hiding My Frustration

Hiding My Frustration

I’m getting frustrated pretty easily. I keep pushing my frustration down, but maybe that’s not the best thing to do. Yesterday, my car decided not to start. It ended up working out okay, but it pissed me off when it happened. It’s just another thing to add to the list of crap that I’m dealing with.

When I get frustrated, I generally get very quiet. I usually don’t talk, smile, or do anything; I’m just there. Every once in a while, I will vent to my mom or my husband. I think I should allow myself to express my frustration, otherwise I’m afraid it will erupt at some point.

I wasn’t always like this. I used to be able to express my frustration and anger, but now, even the idea of it scares me. I even get scared when I’m around others that are full-blown angry because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I have a fear of the unknown. I need to find a happy medium. I know it’s not healthy to be angry every day, but it’s also not healthy to pretend not to be angry.

Pushing Myself A Little Further Each Day

Pushing Myself A Little Further Each Day

Another day of ECT. I know it helps, but I really dislike the memory loss side effect. However, I would rather have some memory loss than be completely miserable, irritable, depressed, and suicidal. I am grateful that ECT helps and I hope that it continues to improve my mental health status as time goes on.

I was talking to my husband the other day about how I’ve been going to AA meetings all by myself (of course, not without taking a Valium). We discussed that I have talked to some people, spoke in some of the meetings, and I even stood up to get my sobriety chip (I had 13 years sober on April 29th). It turns out that I really missed meetings.

I have been pushing myself to do a little more each week. My husband and I even take walks each night for about 30 minutes. It’s so beautiful out with the stars shining down on us. The neighborhood is almost completely silent. During the last couple of walks, only 2 cars passed by us each night. It reminds me of where I grew up. I think the reason that I’m able and willing to push myself further is because I know that I have a safe place to come home to. I feel secure and comfortable in our new home. When living at our last house, I always felt on edge. Just leaving the house and going to the garage was a difficult task. I no longer have to worry about things like that; my anxiety while at home is less. Let’s hope it stays that way.