It’s Not Getting Any Better

The rash that I’ve been getting doesn’t appear to be getting any better. In fact, I keep getting new welts, and now they’re on my back where I can’t even reach them. I’m extremely frustrated! This has been going on for about 11 days now. None of the medication that the doctor gave me helps stop the itching. I started using Aspercreme with Lidocaine, and it actually works! It’s a miracle! I’m using it more than it says that you should, but I’m so miserable and it’s the only thing that works.

The doctor called back this morning from the message I left yesterday. She wants me to finish the medications they gave me. If I still have a problem when that’s done, then I should call her back. Basically, I just have to deal with being miserable for the next week. I wish that the doctors at least knew what the rash was or what was causing it.

I have a lot to get done today around the house. Hopefully, by staying very busy, I will keep my mind off all of the scratching. Here’s to hoping that a distraction works…

Almost Finished Moving In

Only a few more days of putting things away and organizing everything left out and then we will be completely moved into our new home. I know that I’m a bit obsessive about how I like to have things in my house. For example, I organized the spices alphabetically and by size. I don’t expect my husband to do any of this organizing for me. If it’s what I want, then I should be the one to do it (as long as he doesn’t mess things up purposely, which he doesn’t).

I have so much to do today, but I’m having a hard time getting started. I keep looking out the windows into our back yard and seeing the adorable bunny rabbits and quail. It’s so peaceful to watch animals exploring our yard. It’s a great way to start the day, but I know that I have to eventually get started.

Pushing Myself A Little Further Each Day

Another day of ECT. I know it helps, but I really dislike the memory loss side effect. However, I would rather have some memory loss than be completely miserable, irritable, depressed, and suicidal. I am grateful that ECT helps and I hope that it continues to improve my mental health status as time goes on.

I was talking to my husband the other day about how I’ve been going to AA meetings all by myself (of course, not without taking a Valium). We discussed that I have talked to some people, spoke in some of the meetings, and I even stood up to get my sobriety chip (I had 13 years sober on April 29th). It turns out that I really missed meetings.

I have been pushing myself to do a little more each week. My husband and I even take walks each night for about 30 minutes. It’s so beautiful out with the stars shining down on us. The neighborhood is almost completely silent. During the last couple of walks, only 2 cars passed by us each night. It reminds me of where I grew up. I think the reason that I’m able and willing to push myself further is because I know that I have a safe place to come home to. I feel secure and comfortable in our new home. When living at our last house, I always felt on edge. Just leaving the house and going to the garage was a difficult task. I no longer have to worry about things like that; my anxiety while at home is less. Let’s hope it stays that way.

I’m Back To Blogging Again

The past two or three weeks have been extremely busy, emotional, difficult, and anxiety provoking. Due to my new busy schedule, writing my blog every day got pushed out of my daily duties. Once I stopped writing a couple of days in a row, it because a pattern. I stopped writing it on my to do list, and I even stopped thinking about it. Luckily, a follower of mine commented on one of my last posts, reminding me how important it is to keep writing. Blogging is not only beneficial for myself, but it apparently also helps others.

I went for a hike this afternoon with my husband and mother-in-law. We hiked a place called Thunderbird Mountain, which is where we used to take Cash for walks. Cash would always wear his backpack (he was a big dog, 88 pounds). He would carry his water and ours. Every time he saw another person or another dog, it seemed as if he was showing off his backpack, like he was proud to be wearing it. My husband and I spread his ashes over a lot of different places all the way up the hiking trail. This way, he can continue to enjoy hiking. It was extremely emotional; saying goodbye to Cash again, for the final time, was hard. I held onto his ashes all day. Letting go of him was difficult, but it was actually a little easier than I expected because of the way we decided to say goodbye.

Over the past week, I have been getting a rash that seems to keep growing every day. It’s extremely itchy and annoying. My doctor doesn’t know what it is, but it’s not contagious. They do know that it’s not chicken pox, mumps, measles, or shingles. We’re trying to figure out what the cause could be. The rash didn’t start until a week after we moved into our new house. Oh well, I just have to put up with it and try not to scratch until it goes away.

I Met New Neighbors

I brought another carload full of stuff over to my new house earlier this evening. Then, I decided to check the mail before leaving. I drove over to the mailbox, and as I was leaving, I saw a neighbor that I had not yet met. My heart began to race suddenly, but I know that I needed to do my best to be polite and introduce myself to this neighbor (good thing I had already taken some medication earlier, which helped me keep my anxiety down).

I waved to this new neighbor; he waved back and started walking towards me. I met him at the end of his driveway. He was very polite. We talked for about 10 minutes and then he invited me into his house to meet his wife. We talked for another 5 minutes or so. They are both extremely nice and easy to talk to. They leave next week, for the winter, which more than half of the neighborhood does. I look forward to them coming back because they are so easy to get along with.

These new neighbors said that most of the other neighbors are easy to get along with. My plan is that whenever I see a new neighbor, I will wave to them. If they look like they want to meet up close and talk, I will do so. I’m so grateful for Valium. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this if it wasn’t for my Valium.

Invited Out – No Need To Be Home Alone

My mother-in-law invited me to go out with her to a meeting and then out to dinner afterwards. Normally, I find ways to say ‘no’ when I’m asked out by other people, but this time was different. I’m still getting over the loss of my dog, Cash, and my mother-in-law knew that I was struggling with the situation. She invited me out, saying that it’s better than being home alone, and she was right. I’m glad that I said ‘yes’ and the two of us went out together.

It’s been hard being home alone. I’m used to Cash always being there. I keep looking for him whenever I want to do something or go somewhere. I’m not ready for another dog, but I’m also not ready to be home alone by myself. I’m extremely grateful that my mother-in-law invited me out for the night.

Thank You All

I want to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and words. I am getting through this difficult time because of everyone’s support. I am extremely appreciative for all that you have done. There were many suggestions on how to get through this difficult time, which have been extremely helpful for me.

I’m trying to stay busy, helping that family member that is staying over the house this weekend and doing random tasks around the house. However, it’s a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. However, at least it’s keeping me busy.

Staying Busy This Weekend

This weekend, starting yesterday, my husband and I are having someone stay with us. This person is a family member that simply needs a break from his regular life. I told him yesterday, no matter how good or how difficult, everyone needs a break from now and then.

I think that this could help everyone. This family member will be able to take a break from his normal life. Also, I will get some extra help moving, and hopefully it will help me keep my mind occupied, which will really help make things go a little easier.

Missing Cash

Today was another day of missing Cash. Every time I walked into my house, I expected to see him at the door, eagerly greeting me. When I’m cooking in the kitchen, I expect to see him anxiously waiting to clean up the mess that I left on the floor. Basically, I keep thinking that he will be there when I look over my shoulder. I know that this won’t really happen. I can’t wait for this instinct to stop.

I have received many nice phone calls, emails, and text messages from friends and family, all of which are giving me their condolences. It’s so nice that all of these people care enough to send me their kind thoughts and words. I’m doing my best to say busy. It will help me process and deal with everything that has happened.

ECT Made Me Forget

I had another ECT treatment today. When I woke up, I had completely forgotten that we lost our dog, Cash, yesterday. My husband had to remind me. Basically, it feels like I lost him two days in a row. This is exactly what I was fearing. I had a feeling that this would happen. I just need to make it through today. I’m taking it one minute at a time.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Author: My Side of the Pole