Feeling Guilt For No Reason

I don’t know why I feel guilt so often. If someone is upset, I feel as though it is my fault. Not only do I feel guilty, I feel as if I am responsible to resolve the situation. This is an exhausting and daunting task. I’m trying to fix this by not responding to someone when I know I am not at fault. I can say, “I’m sorry you are struggling.” However, I don’t need to take over their situation. I think my husband was the first one that pointed this out to me. I ignored it for a while because I thought he was wrong. However, I’m starting to realize that he is right. It’s not necessarily about what I say to others about feeling guilty, it’s about how I feel internally.

The feeling of guilt is overwhelming and onerous. Does anyone have other suggestions? I’m open to any ideas.

Wanting a Hypomanic Break

Sometimes, I wish I was hypomanic. I know that sounds bad, but I’ve been dealing with depression and suicidal ideations for so long, it would be nice to have a change. I don’t want to be in a complete manic episode with the negative effects such as uncontrollable spending or impulsive actions. I want hypomania, where I have enough energy so I can get everything done that needs to be done. In my hypomanic state, I’m energetic, I come up with a lot of ideas, I’m sociable (which normally scares me), and I feel happy. It would be nice to feel like that for a few days. I know it’s not healthy, but I’m so tired of depression that I would do just about anything to take a break from it.

I’ve been feeling like this and hoping for hypomania for several months now. I’m just curious if there are other people who feel the same way. I’m just wondering if I’m alone in this train of thought. I swing from one episode to another without much of a break to enjoy life. Is it so bad to desire a break from it all? My hypomania is pretty much a break because I’m able to enjoy most of it. Do others desire any specific episode?

Bi-Weekly Blood Work

Starting at the beginning this month, I finally got to do my Clozapine blood work every other week instead of once a week. I can’t believe I made it through 6 months of weekly blood work. There are many worse things that could happen, but mostly, it was just such a pain in the ass. Getting the medication every week was harder than the actual blood work. The lab has to send the pharmacy my blood work. The pharmacist has to receive approval from the Clozapine National Registry. Now that I’ve been doing this for 6 months, I only have to deal with that hassle every other week, which will make my life a lot easier. Traveling will also be a lot easier. I planned my vacation in December around my blood work schedule, so I don’t have to do any blood work or pick up a prescription while I’m away. After doing blood work every other week for the next 6 months, I will finally get to do monthly blood work, which will happen in April. That’s something to look forward to.

Isolation

Many people who have bipolar disorder or other mental health disorders tend to struggle with isolation. My husband and family think that I struggle with isolation. Technically, they may be right, but I would rather be by myself than with others. Being social, whether with friends or family, is almost always a challenge. I’m always afraid to say the wrong thing, and I’m fearful of people or things I don’t know. I’m afraid of a lot of things.

I prefer isolation because it’s easier for me to handle. I have fewer panic/anxiety attacks when I stay home. I don’t get bored; I tend to keep myself company. I find things to do during the day to keep myself busy. Many people get bored and struggle when they have to stay home by themselves. I know that my family is just trying to help me by getting me out of the house. Just because some people struggle to stay home alone, doesn’t mean I struggle as well. It’s healthy and important get out sometimes, but I also know my own boundaries. For me, sometimes it’s better for me to stay home. I guess I just have to find a happy medium, some sort of balance between isolation and socialization.

The Confusion of Medicare Plans

I’m trying to do some research to make sure that I pick the very best Medicare plan, both medical and pharmaceutical. I have all of the information I need to gather accurate data, however; it’s a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I take 14 medications and see 9 different doctors (I only see 6 of the doctors regularly). I spent about 3 hours today trying to find out which pharmaceutical plans approve my 14 different medications. I’m also trying to find out which medical plans have my doctors as in-network. I think I want a PPO instead of a HMO.

Anyway, I spent hours trying to figure this stuff out, and I didn’t really get anywhere. I wish this didn’t have to be so difficult. Luckily, people from Medicare are helping me, and my Mom is offering her assistance. I want to start figuring this out early, because I have a feeling that the end date will sneak up on me before I know it.

I’m hoping that in the end, after I choose and enroll in a new Medicare plan, my medial and prescription costs will be less throughout the year. Right now, with Original Medicare, I am responsible for 20% of everything, and that turns out to be a lot of money. I just have to do the best research I can and make the most knowledgeable decision to help save some money.

The Importance of Memories

I didn’t realize how important memories are until I lost them. I used to be able to remember things very easily, and now I struggle to remember a lot of things. My memory has improved over the last few months, since I stopped doing ECTs, but it’s far from what it used to be. I have a hard time with both short-term and long-term memory.

One day, many months ago, I woke up and didn’t realize that my grandmother had passed away years ago. I forget family memories often, and I feel that those are the most important. I ask people questions all the time, forgetting that I had just recently asked that same question. I have conversations with people over and over, because I forget that I just had that same conversation.

The forgetting is hard on me. I feel as if I annoy people because I repeat myself often. I try to improve my memory, but that’s not an easy thing to do. I feel incapable, less than, and pathetic. My memory has improved a little since I stopped ECT, but will it continue to improve? Am I ever going to get back to what my memory used to be like?

Putting Myself Out There

I’m trying really hard to put myself out there in the world. Not because I want to, but because my husband and family want me to. Also, I know it’s the right thing to do, it’s the healthy thing to do both mentally and emotionally. I’ve been going to a support group, which is very hard for me to do, but it will be helpful, once I become comfortable in the group. Yesterday evening, I met up with a couple of friends. I’m so happy I did that. It was great to see them and talk to them. It is very important to meet up with friends, but it’s hard to do that and other social things when dealing with a major depression. I’m also trying to reach out a little more to my family, specifically my siblings. I don’t know why it’s so hard to reach out to others. Maybe because I don’t have much to talk about on my end. I don’t really know what to say when they ask me how I’m doing. Any suggestions on how to respond to the how are you doing question? All I can think of is, “I’m hanging in.”

Homesick

I grew up in Connecticut, but I currently live in Arizona. Being that far away from my family is extremely hard for me. Family is very important to me; it’s a struggle not being able to see them whenever I want. Thankfully, I see my mom every 3 months, but I don’t always see the rest of my family. I’m excited because in less than 6 weeks, I will get to see my whole family. I’m counting the days now!

There have been several moments where I came close to caving and asking my mom to bring me home, but I stuck it out. I get home sick for Connecticut fairly often. Especially this time of year, I miss the fall foliage; I deeply miss the beauty of New England. When I struggle with homesickness, my anxiety is almost always increased.

I’m lucky to get along with all of my in-laws. However, sometimes the more time I spend with my in-laws, the more I miss my own family. No matter how much time I spend with my in-laws or how well we get along, I still miss my family. I wonder if being homesick this often is normal.

Generally, when I’m in Connecticut, I miss my husband and friends and want to go back to Arizona. When I’m in Arizona, I miss my family and want to be in Connecticut. No matter where I am, I want to be somewhere else. Does anyone have thoughts on the subject? Do other people get along with their family as well as I do?

Compromise

I decided that I would go to the Halloween party that my husband wants to attend, his boss is the one throwing the party. I can find a corner somewhere and sit down. I would be comfortable doing that because no one could come up behind me, which is my biggest fear. I could also go into the kitchen and offer to help with things. That would make time go by faster.

I told my husband I would be happy to go with him to the party, and I would even get a costume. The funny thing is that he then said he wasn’t sure if he wants to go. The important part is that I became willing to go. I want him to know that I care about the things that are important to him. I’m not sure if we will end up going or not. I think it made my husband happy that I am willing to go. Compromise is important, but not easy.

Medicare Open Enrollment

I’ve been on Medicare parts A, B, and D since 2011. I receive these benefits because I’m on Social Security Disability. Part A is hospital insurance, Part B is medical insurance, and Part D is prescription drug insurance. My medical co-pays have gotten to be way too expensive. I am working on picking out a new prescription drug insurance plan and possibly a Medicare Advantage plan.

I tried to look things up online, but I was very confused because there was so much information. I called a woman whose job is to help people figure all of this out, and she was fantastic. She answered all of my questions and will be mailing me more information. I’m hoping that I will be able to find the right plan for me.

The one thing that sucks is that the only other medical insurance I can get is a Medicare Advantage plan, which for me, they are all HMOs. I don’t know if I will be comfortable with a HMO. I will do a lot of research and find out what plan is best. Maybe there is a plan that has all of my current doctors ‘in-network’. I’ll probably do the research tomorrow, I’m pretty tired tonight.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Bipolar