Tag: Challenges

Overwhelming Week

Overwhelming Week

This past week has been overwhelming. I’ve been feeling useless, hopeless, and worthless. I’ve been doing the best I can, but it doesn’t seem to be enough to make me feel worthwhile. No matter what, I keep trying, whether I want to or not. I want to give up, but I keep holding on. I don’t do it for myself, I do it for my family. My main reasons are my husband and my mother. I suppose it doesn’t really matter why I keep trying, what matters is that I keep doing it. I know that some days are better than others, which means that I will have better days than I’m having today. That means, I have to give myself the opportunity to have better moments/days. These crappy feelings will go away. I even feel a little bit better after writing this post than I did when I started writing today.

 

Weight Gain

Weight Gain

My weight has gotten out of control. Since I don’t drink or use drugs anymore (for the past 13 years), I usually eat when I’m stressed or when problems arise. And since I’ve been having so many problems lately, I’ve been eating a lot. I’m trying to stop. I want to and need to lose weight. In a little over two months, I’m going to go to Cape Cod to spend time with my family. When I go, I really want to be comfortable in a bathing suit. Actually, I want to feel comfortable in any type of clothes. I don’t need to lose all of the weight I’ve gained, just some of it. I have to try. I can do this.

Trying To Solve My Difficulties

Trying To Solve My Difficulties

My days seem to be getting longer and longer. I’ve been extremely busy lately and I can’t seem to get everything done that I plan to do. I’m stressed out way beyond my normal breaking point. It feels like I’m just waiting for the next disaster to happen, but I have no clue what it’s going to be or when it’s going to happen. Hopefully, I will have a bit of a break before the next catastrophe.

I had ECT this morning. Every time, my doctor asks me to rate my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and irritability. For the past couple months, every time he has asked me, my numbers have gone done, which is wonderful. However, today, just about everything was between 7 and 9. Life has been overwhelming in almost every way. Just when I think it can’t get any more stressful, it does. My doctor asked me if I wanted to do ECT once a week for a while, instead of every other week, until I start feeling better. I turned him down. I told him that I want to wait to see if things will improve when the situations in my life start to improve (hopefully that happens).

My therapist called me today because I missed our appointment the other day. In the several years that I’ve been seeing him, that has only happened twice. He was just calling to make sure I was okay. I told him everything that’s going on in the past couple days; the bed bugs, broken dryer, and the problem with my debit card. I also told him about choosing not to go back to weekly ECT, and he was supportive of my decision, which made me feel more confident in my choice.

Yesterday’s Disaster

Yesterday’s Disaster

Yesterday, I found out that we have bed bugs. There’s not a lot of them, so the guy thinks it will be easy to take care of; however, it was just another thing to add to the list of crap that has been happening to us lately. Taking care of this issue is not only extremely expensive, but it takes a lot of work, time, and energy. We have to wash and dry all of the bedding, pillows, drapes, shoes, and clothes (from under the bed, the dresser, and the bottom shelf of the closet). Then everything has to be sealed in plastic bags and put in the garage.

I started doing this yesterday, and then the dryer stopped working. That’s when I lost it. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. My thoughts were so negative with suicidal ideations that wouldn’t go away. My husband ended up coming home two hours early from work. That was a huge help. I finally stopped crying and was able to function. We took everything that had to be washed/dried to the laundromat. We ended up doing 12 loads of laundry all at once. He was so helpful and supportive. Without his assistance, I would have spent the rest of the day crying with horrible thoughts in my head.

We probably got at least half of everything done. I still have more work that has to be done, but I have until Wednesday to finish it all. Hopefully we don’t have any more crises happen in our lives for a little while. I know life will always happen, but I’m hoping for a break from other disasters.

Venting

Life keeps throwing things at me left and right, I can’t seem to catch a break. I’m overly exhausted; physically, mentally, and emotionally,  and I don’t know what the reason is to keep going. If it’s not one thing wrong, it’s another. I just wish it would stop. I know I’m not going to do anything about it. I always tell my doctor about my suicidal ideations. I guess all I’m doing now is bitching about life. I know that no one’s life is simple, easy, and wonderful. And that’s not what I’m asking for. I just want a break. Well, I’m done venting for now. I have more stuff to get back to doing.

Settling Into Our New Home and New Community

Settling Into Our New Home and New Community

I’m trying to get settled into our new house, but it seems to be a never-ending job. We have a lot of stuff that we are going to donate to Goodwill. They are even going to come out and pick it up because it’s too big and too heavy for us to bring to them. Now is when my anxiety and fears kick in. Simply calling to ask them to come pick everything up is difficult for me. I can’t have them come to the house unless my husband is here, otherwise I’m simply asking for a panic attack. The idea of anyone I don’t know coming over scares me. I wish I could get over this fear. I wish I could get my heart to calm down when the doorbell rings or when someone knocks on the door. I’ll just keep trying.

Yesterday, my husband and I received our ID cards for the HOA that we live in now. This place is amazing. They have so many clubs and activities that we can use/join. There’s a pottery club that both me and my husband want to join. We met a couple of people there yesterday (I had taken a Valium) and they were really nice. We have to call this one woman who will teach us what we need to know to begin, since neither of us have any experience. Once you’ve learned how to do it, you can do the work on your own. I’ve been trying to get up the courage all day to call this woman, and I still can’t do it. There are other options like a woodworking shop, a workout room, a pool, a Pinochle club, and much more. I don’t think I’ll be able to do any of it on my own, at least for now. My husband provides me with comfort. Once I feel comfortable at the recreation center with him, maybe I’ll try going without him, but that won’t happen for a while.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to get the courage to do something new or different. It’s probably because of the PTSD. I’ve come a long way in regards to my PTSD, but I still have quite a way to go. Each time that I push myself to try something new or different, I grow stronger and more capable. I just have to remember not to overdo it. It’s okay to give myself a break.

Pushing Myself A Little Further Each Day

Pushing Myself A Little Further Each Day

Another day of ECT. I know it helps, but I really dislike the memory loss side effect. However, I would rather have some memory loss than be completely miserable, irritable, depressed, and suicidal. I am grateful that ECT helps and I hope that it continues to improve my mental health status as time goes on.

I was talking to my husband the other day about how I’ve been going to AA meetings all by myself (of course, not without taking a Valium). We discussed that I have talked to some people, spoke in some of the meetings, and I even stood up to get my sobriety chip (I had 13 years sober on April 29th). It turns out that I really missed meetings.

I have been pushing myself to do a little more each week. My husband and I even take walks each night for about 30 minutes. It’s so beautiful out with the stars shining down on us. The neighborhood is almost completely silent. During the last couple of walks, only 2 cars passed by us each night. It reminds me of where I grew up. I think the reason that I’m able and willing to push myself further is because I know that I have a safe place to come home to. I feel secure and comfortable in our new home. When living at our last house, I always felt on edge. Just leaving the house and going to the garage was a difficult task. I no longer have to worry about things like that; my anxiety while at home is less. Let’s hope it stays that way.

I Met New Neighbors

I Met New Neighbors

I brought another carload full of stuff over to my new house earlier this evening. Then, I decided to check the mail before leaving. I drove over to the mailbox, and as I was leaving, I saw a neighbor that I had not yet met. My heart began to race suddenly, but I know that I needed to do my best to be polite and introduce myself to this neighbor (good thing I had already taken some medication earlier, which helped me keep my anxiety down).

I waved to this new neighbor; he waved back and started walking towards me. I met him at the end of his driveway. He was very polite. We talked for about 10 minutes and then he invited me into his house to meet his wife. We talked for another 5 minutes or so. They are both extremely nice and easy to talk to. They leave next week, for the winter, which more than half of the neighborhood does. I look forward to them coming back because they are so easy to get along with.

These new neighbors said that most of the other neighbors are easy to get along with. My plan is that whenever I see a new neighbor, I will wave to them. If they look like they want to meet up close and talk, I will do so. I’m so grateful for Valium. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this if it wasn’t for my Valium.

I’m Thinking About Joining A Martial Arts Class

I’m Thinking About Joining A Martial Arts Class

I’m thinking about joining a martial arts class once I’m finished moving. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while. It will help me get in shape, feel more secure, gain some self confidence, and let out some of the aggression that I keep all bottled up. I used to do martial arts, and I loved it. The only reason that I stopped was because I was having knee and hip troubles. My husband worries that that problem could occur again, but I think it’s worth the risk. If the issue does arise, I can always stop the classes.

Making The Right Decision Is Beyond Difficult

cash-recoveredToday was a rough day. I had to watch my dog be ill. It seemed like he was giving up on life, but I didn’t want to have him put to sleep too early, and it was a good call that I waited it out. Later in the day, he finally stood up, walked a little bit, went to the bathroom, and he even ate a treat (none of which he would do earlier in the day). He rebounded physically; he still has some life left in him. However, he appears to be going downhill again. My husband got him to actually eat dinner, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to rebound again. I think the fact that he won’t eat regularly, won’t walk, and won’t wag his tail is his way of telling me that he’s ready. I just don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. It’s such a hard decision to make; I just want to do what’s right for my dog. I’m sleeping out on the couch tonight so I can be close to him in case he needs me.