Day Filled With Anxiety

Today is a very busy day filled with anxiety. I have a Sears coming between 12pm and 2pm to deliver a new dryer because the other one broke over the weekend. I also have Goodwill coming to pick up a bunch of stuff, and of course they’re coming between 12pm and 2pm as well. That will be a lot of activity, and a lot of strangers, at once, and my husband will be at work. I will have to take a Valium, probably around 11am, so I’m ready for these people when they get here.

I’m nervous about both things happening today. I was originally told that both would be between 7am and 5pm. Of course, with my good luck, they both called and narrowed it down between 12pm and 2pm. I’m hoping they don’t come at the exact same time, but I suppose I’ll just have to go with the flow.

Trying To Solve My Difficulties

My days seem to be getting longer and longer. I’ve been extremely busy lately and I can’t seem to get everything done that I plan to do. I’m stressed out way beyond my normal breaking point. It feels like I’m just waiting for the next disaster to happen, but I have no clue what it’s going to be or when it’s going to happen. Hopefully, I will have a bit of a break before the next catastrophe.

I had ECT this morning. Every time, my doctor asks me to rate my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and irritability. For the past couple months, every time he has asked me, my numbers have gone done, which is wonderful. However, today, just about everything was between 7 and 9. Life has been overwhelming in almost every way. Just when I think it can’t get any more stressful, it does. My doctor asked me if I wanted to do ECT once a week for a while, instead of every other week, until I start feeling better. I turned him down. I told him that I want to wait to see if things will improve when the situations in my life start to improve (hopefully that happens).

My therapist called me today because I missed our appointment the other day. In the several years that I’ve been seeing him, that has only happened twice. He was just calling to make sure I was okay. I told him everything that’s going on in the past couple days; the bed bugs, broken dryer, and the problem with my debit card. I also told him about choosing not to go back to weekly ECT, and he was supportive of my decision, which made me feel more confident in my choice.

Remembering

I don’t know why, but for some reason I always remember the things I don’t want to remember and I forget the things I do want to remember. Why do I always remember the things/events that cause me anxiety and pain? I wish I could change that. I would like to remember things that would allow my life to be a little easier, but that’s not going to happen. For example, I asked the bug inspector guy lots of questions when he was at my house. He answered all of my questions thoroughly, and I can’t remember any of his answers. Now I need to call him and ask him some of those questions again.

I get nervous when I need to make phone calls to anyone other than family. I don’t want this added anxiety. My heart races when I have to talk to someone I don’t know, whether it’s on the phone or in person. When will this ever go away?

Yesterday’s Disaster

Yesterday, I found out that we have bed bugs. There’s not a lot of them, so the guy thinks it will be easy to take care of; however, it was just another thing to add to the list of crap that has been happening to us lately. Taking care of this issue is not only extremely expensive, but it takes a lot of work, time, and energy. We have to wash and dry all of the bedding, pillows, drapes, shoes, and clothes (from under the bed, the dresser, and the bottom shelf of the closet). Then everything has to be sealed in plastic bags and put in the garage.

I started doing this yesterday, and then the dryer stopped working. That’s when I lost it. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. My thoughts were so negative with suicidal ideations that wouldn’t go away. My husband ended up coming home two hours early from work. That was a huge help. I finally stopped crying and was able to function. We took everything that had to be washed/dried to the laundromat. We ended up doing 12 loads of laundry all at once. He was so helpful and supportive. Without his assistance, I would have spent the rest of the day crying with horrible thoughts in my head.

We probably got at least half of everything done. I still have more work that has to be done, but I have until Wednesday to finish it all. Hopefully we don’t have any more crises happen in our lives for a little while. I know life will always happen, but I’m hoping for a break from other disasters.

Venting

Life keeps throwing things at me left and right, I can’t seem to catch a break. I’m overly exhausted; physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I don’t know what the reason is to keep going. If it’s not one thing wrong, it’s another. I just wish it would stop. I know I’m not going to do anything about it. I always tell my doctor about my suicidal ideations. I guess all I’m doing now is bitching about life. I know that no one’s life is simple, easy, and wonderful. And that’s not what I’m asking for. I just want a break. Well, I’m done venting for now. I have more stuff to get back to doing.

Feeling Empty

I’m feeling somewhat empty inside lately. I’m not exactly sure why, there’s just not much going on for me. When people ask me how I’m doing, I just simply respond by saying, ‘I’m hanging in’. Maybe it’s because I’m on overload, maybe it’s because I just don’t care about certain things as much as I used to. I’m not really sure.

Today is the day that we are celebrating Mother’s Day with my mother-in-law. I’m cooking a dinner that my mom used to cook for me. It’s called Boursin Chicken. In fact, we called it Daddy’s Chicken because it was my dad’s favorite. It makes me smile to remember things like that; it’s feels good to care about and remember things. I have a lot of memory loss due to ECT, so it’s a marvel any time I can remember things.

Invited Out – No Need To Be Home Alone

My mother-in-law invited me to go out with her to a meeting and then out to dinner afterwards. Normally, I find ways to say ‘no’ when I’m asked out by other people, but this time was different. I’m still getting over the loss of my dog, Cash, and my mother-in-law knew that I was struggling with the situation. She invited me out, saying that it’s better than being home alone, and she was right. I’m glad that I said ‘yes’ and the two of us went out together.

It’s been hard being home alone. I’m used to Cash always being there. I keep looking for him whenever I want to do something or go somewhere. I’m not ready for another dog, but I’m also not ready to be home alone by myself. I’m extremely grateful that my mother-in-law invited me out for the night.

Missing Cash

Today was another day of missing Cash. Every time I walked into my house, I expected to see him at the door, eagerly greeting me. When I’m cooking in the kitchen, I expect to see him anxiously waiting to clean up the mess that I left on the floor. Basically, I keep thinking that he will be there when I look over my shoulder. I know that this won’t really happen. I can’t wait for this instinct to stop.

I have received many nice phone calls, emails, and text messages from friends and family, all of which are giving me their condolences. It’s so nice that all of these people care enough to send me their kind thoughts and words. I’m doing my best to say busy. It will help me process and deal with everything that has happened.

Today Was Cash’s Last Day

Today was a very tough day. When I woke up this morning, I came out to the living room to see my dog struggling to breathe. Last night, we invited him to come sleep in the bedroom with us; however, at some point during the night, he decided to come out to the living room and lay down on the tile. My husband and I noticed around 7:30am, that he wasn’t eating or drinking, he couldn’t stand or walk, and his breathing was extremely labored. We could tell that he was in pain. I think he was trying to tell us that it was time for him to go, he was ready.

We had to carry him to the car, which was very difficult (he’s 88 pounds). They had a couple guys come out to help bring him inside. They told us to let them know when we were ready. We decided that we were ready right then. Cash was in so much pain, we didn’t want him to stay in that much pain. We didn’t want to be selfish, it wasn’t about us, this was about him.

Watching him go was extremely difficult. Cash’s eyes didn’t close, it was hard to watch. I cried, which I did many times today. We will pick up his ashes when they are ready. We decided to take Cash on one last hike (it was my husband’s idea). Cash loved to go hiking. He would wear his backpack and carry everything he/we needed.

We stayed busy today. We didn’t want to go home after he died. It’s going to be weird without him here. We eventually came home, and it’s so quiet here. It doesn’t seem right, but we will have to get used to it, at least for now.

Making The Right Decision Is Beyond Difficult

cash-recovered Today was a rough day. I had to watch my dog be ill. It seemed like he was giving up on life, but I didn’t want to have him put to sleep too early, and it was a good call that I waited it out. Later in the day, he finally stood up, walked a little bit, went to the bathroom, and he even ate a treat (none of which he would do earlier in the day). He rebounded physically; he still has some life left in him. However, he appears to be going downhill again. My husband got him to actually eat dinner, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to rebound again. I think the fact that he won’t eat regularly, won’t walk, and won’t wag his tail is his way of telling me that he’s ready. I just don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. It’s such a hard decision to make; I just want to do what’s right for my dog. I’m sleeping out on the couch tonight so I can be close to him in case he needs me.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Depression