Depression Improvements

For me, there are different degrees of severity to my depression. I can only speak for myself, I don’t know if other people experience these levels of depression as well. My depression is getting better, hopefully because of the Clozapine. If that’s true, then the dosage increase should help even more. When I’m really deep into a depression, dealing with the worst of it all, I can barely get myself to get up out of bed or off the couch. I struggle with personal hygiene, I gain weight, I don’t care about things that are normally important to me, and it’s even difficult to feed my dog. Sometimes I cry uncontrollably, other times I’m just crying on the inside. I distance myself from my friends; I stop calling and visiting them. I also stop reaching out to everyone. There are times that I’m not able to express my emotions. For example, I will see a funny movie, I will think it is funny, but I’m unable to laugh. That is really hard to deal with. When my depression is at its worst, I can’t push myself through it no matter how hard I try. I’ve also been struggling with suicidal ideations for many months. It’s always there in the back of my mind.

Right now, it feels as if my depression has begun to improve. I still struggle with personal hygiene, weight gain, expressing my emotions at times, and reaching out to some people. However, I do recognize my improvements. I have been able to reach out to certain friends and even take the time to visit them. Taking care of my dog is no longer an issue. There are times when I still struggle to express emotions, but the fact that I am able to laugh at times is great. The fact that I am able to push myself to do things is a huge improvement. Even though certain things are hard, I have the ability to push myself to do them. It’s better than it was a little while ago when I couldn’t do anything no matter how hard I tried. It’s a big deal that I can notice these improvements. The suicidal ideations are still in the back of my mind, but the thoughts are there a lot less. Those feelings are no longer my first ideas.

I finally have some hope. I do think it’s possible that I can be genuinely happy again one day; I’m just waiting for that day to come. I must have some patience, maybe a lot of patience, but it will happen. I believe that I will have lots of ups and downs throughout my life. This depression is not the end of everything for me.

Celebrating My Husband’s Birthday

Today is my husband’s birthday. We’re going to celebrate at his mom’s house with anywhere from 5 to 19 people. I wish I knew how many people to expect. However, I should be used to this by now. This is how it usually ends up going for every birthday and holiday. I’m looking forward to seeing my step-kids and my granddaughter. I have a good relationship with my step-kids; it’s always nice to see them and be a part of their lives. I get along with everyone in his family; I just sruggle with not knowing what I’m walking into. I also struggle with crowded spaces, but it will be fine. I’m grateful to get together with his family.

I plan on taking today off from working out. My husband and I have been enjoying great workouts. Yesterday we ended up just doing cardio, but it was a good workout. I’m hoping to lose some weight; I’ve gained a lot of weight during this depression that I’ve been going through. To be exact, I’ve gained 39 pounds. That’s way too much; it’s time that I turn this around. And it’s so much easier working on losing weight with my husband. I’m happy to have the support and encouragement; we are there to help each other reach our goals.

The First Downfall – My Life: Part 3

Just before I turned 17, I met a guy and was immediately attracted to him. Jared had a personality that was appealing to many. He made friends with people easily, but he only let them see the side of his personality that he wanted them to see. For the first couple months of our relationship, he only let me see positive traits. Once we moved in together, everything changed. He became physically and emotionally abusive. He would tell me when I could see my friends. I had to have dinner on the table when he got home, or else. We did a lot of drugs together. I fell for every trick he played and didn’t stand up for myself at all. He had me convinced that I was lucky to have him; he made me believe that no one else would want me. The worst part of it all is that he broke up with me. He said I wasn’t happy anymore. I remember telling him he would regret it. I was devastated. I don’t know why I was so hung up on a guy that treated me like crap, but I was.

At a party, I met a guy who was so sweet. Chris was the exact opposite of Jared, except for the drug use. I started smoking crack when I met Chris. Jared tried to get back together with me, but I finally stood up for myself and told him no. Jared started stalking me at that point, so I became terrified for my safety even more than I already was. Chris and I dated for several months. He kept talking about getting sober, but I wasn’t ready for that. I was completely addicted to crack that it came before everything. I was even with Chris getting high instead of being at the hospital when my dad died. That is one of the biggest regrets I have. Chris ended up getting killed only a few months after we met.

The loss of my father was exceedingly difficult, even though I knew for years that it was coming. He had been sick for many years with cancer and kidney failure. He ended up dying from an infection on October 10th, 2003. He was in the ICU for a while before his death. I miss my father and think of him every day. Losing him was like losing a part of myself. I wish I had been there to support my family, but I was too far into my addiction. I wish he could have seen me get sober.

My drug use was insane, I was almost always drunk or high on something. All of this made my mental health even worse. I was dealing with rapid cycling; I was either manic or depressed at all times. I didn’t want to spend much time with my friends, the few that I had left. All I wanted to do was die. This was probably my lowest point in life. I finally decided I wanted to quit drinking and using, but I couldn’t do it. I wished I was dead every day. I had lost so much in life, but the worst thing I lost was my self-respect.

One day, I had finally had enough. I went to my mom and told her I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her I needed to go back into the hospital. She told me that a behavioral health hospital would not fix things. I needed more than that; I needed to get sober. Apparently, she had already been looking at places to send me. She showed me some of the places she found. I was interested in this one place in Arizona; it was a year-long in-patient treatment center. It treated drug and alcohol abuse as well as mental health. I actually became excited; I finally felt a glimmer of hope. I was scared, but so enthused about the possibility of feeling better, that it actually lessened the fear. Most people don’t go to rehab willingly. I went not only willingly, but eagerly. I was also terrified; the thought of something new scared me, but the depression was so horrible that I felt my only other option was death.

Knowing Your Diagnosis

Understanding your own mental health is extremely important. Even though most of us have some type of support system, knowing your own illness is the best way to take care of ourselves. I know that I am diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I have manic, depressive, and mixed episodes. While others may be able to see some of my symptoms, I try to be the first person that can see them. I am aware of the symptoms I exhibit for each type of episode. Knowing my symptoms helps me to catch my episodes before they get too far. Those that I’m close with, such as my husband, family, and best friend are also able to see my symptoms when they start to appear. I can ask these individuals for help to better maintain my mental health.

Hopefully, by paying attention, I will be the first to notice when I’m not sleeping, if I become obsessive, if I have racing thoughts, if I spend too much money, or become overly talkative. These are all signs that I’m becoming manic. I also hope to be the first to notice if I’m sleeping too much, if I feel pathetic or empty, if I cannot find pleasure in activities, if I gain weight, or if I start planning a suicide. These are all signs that a depression is coming. A mixture of these symptoms can mean a mixed episode is starting. I want to be the first to notice my symptoms so that I can get a jump-start on treating the symptoms and episode.

It’s not easy to know and understand your own mental health. Every person’s bipolar disorder is different. Each person has different symptoms occur, and each person has different ways they have found that treat their symptoms. Knowing your symptoms also allows the individual to contact their doctor so he/she can alter medication as necessary. Some of our episodes come from medication changes, from stressful events, from medical changes, or even from out of the blue. The sooner we begin to treat our episodes, and allow our doctors to treat us, the better off we will be. Success comes from knowledge of our own diagnoses.

Waiting Is The Hardest Thing To Do

Right now, I’m waiting, and I’ve been waiting for days. I’m waiting for the results to my Clozapine level blood work. The results to this test will tell my doctor whether or not he wants to increase the dosage of my Clozapine. I’m currently at 200 mg every night. I did the blood work on Friday. My normal weekly blood work was completed on Friday, but the Clozapine level takes longer to come back. I just don’t know how long; I even tried to figure out how long it would take by researching it online, but I came up empty-handed. I told my psychiatrist that I’m in a depression. I informed him that I’m sleeping too much, I’m overeating, I feel worthless and empty, and I’m easily irritable. He told me to hang in there; we are waiting for the results of the Clozapine level. Once we have the results, then we can figure out our next step.

So now I’m just waiting. I’m waiting for my blood test results, I’m waiting to find out what change my psychiatrist wants to make, and I’m waiting to start feeling better. When you’re waiting for something, every moment seems to drag on and on. I’m just trying to get through this, one moment at a time, but how much longer do I have to wait? Even if my psychiatrist decides to add a new anti-depressant, we all know that it takes 4 to 6 weeks for the medication to start working, if it’s going to work at all. So that’s more waiting. No one should have to wait this long to feel better.

I’m compliant with anything I’m told to do by my doctors. However, I am getting sick and tired of it all. I wouldn’t mind the waiting, if I knew that there were going to be positive results. I also wouldn’t mind the waiting if I knew that the positive results that I was going to get would be more than just temporary. We all know that no medication to treat bipolar disorder is permanent. Every time we try a medication, our bodies react differently; we almost never react the same way twice. How a medication works varies depending on our current mental state, the medications we’re currently taking, and any treatments we’re currently undergoing.

I just wish there was an easy answer to treating bipolar depression and mania. There should be an answer, an easy way to help us, where we don’t have to spend most of our time waiting. My bipolar disorder is very gray, nothing is absolute, and everything is questionable. I wish my bipolar disorder was more black and white, I wish it had easier, faster, and more accurate answers.

Think Before Reacting

It is vital, but not easy, in life to think before reacting. People tend to react to situations automatically, at least I know that I do. I usually react by being overly polite, I almost always say yes to whatever anyone asks me, and I let people walk all over me. I have a very hard time standing up for myself. Some others have the opposite problem. Both situations are difficult to handle. This is why people could benefit from thinking before reacting. I’ve been trying to do this in my daily life, but I struggle to do it on my own. Some of the techniques I use are:

Take a moment to respond. Don’t force yourself to react immediately.
Think about what you would tell someone else to do/say if they were in your position.
Practice your response with another person if possible, or just practice with yourself.

I usually respond immediately, telling people I will do what they want and I insist that it’s no problem, even though it is an issue. I almost always put other people before myself. It’s important to stand up for yourself; I guess that’s something I’ll have to continue to work on.

When you stand up for yourself, you don’t necessarily have to explain your response to anyone. Your answer to someone’s question is enough. If you can’t do something for another person, then that should be enough. We are not children, we don’t need to justify everything we say. Speak up and clearly when you are standing up for yourself, and remember it’s okay to say “no”. Being assertive is a good thing; it’s not being mean or rude. Practice standing up for yourself. I ask my husband and my mom for help all the time. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. I think it actually makes you stronger.

Depression Triggers

This depressive episode has me dealing with some depression symptoms that are not normal for me. My symptoms include weight gain, hopelessness, inability to feel pleasure, lack of interest, sadness, extreme fatigue, sleeping more than normal, excessive hunger, restlessness, and suicidal ideations. I push myself to get through this every day. I make myself get out of the house because I know it’s good for me. Just because it’s good for me doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.

I’m trying to figure out why this depressive episode is even happening. Normally, I can pinpoint the reason or trigger for an episode, either depressive or manic. Some of the reasons are medication induced, situational, or emotional. The problem is that I can’t find the reason for this depressive episode. I’m wondering if it’s possible that my recent ECT treatment could have caused this depression. I had already started to feel slightly depressed when I had the treatment, but I have felt so much worse ever since I woke up from it. It feels like ECT was a jumpstart into depression.

Does it even really matter what the cause is for any episode? I suppose the reason to know what triggered an episode is to help for the future. If you know what caused a depressive episode, then you can avoid that trigger in the future. I’ve been doing ECT treatment for over a year, and this is the first time I’m having problems like this. It may not be a trigger for me, but it may have been the thing that pushed me over the edge. Other things I’ve been experiencing that can cause depression are poor sleep habits, poor diet, weight gain, other health problems, and feeling home sick. I wonder, with this such as weight gain and poor diet, which was first. Did they occur first as a symptom of bipolar depression or were they triggers for the bipolar depression?

My Wellness Toolbox

A wellness toolbox is a list of any and all of the tools that an individual has found to be helpful from their own personal life experience. Everyone’s wellness toolbox is different because they are based on personal experience. A wellness toolbox can be edited as you learn new helpful tools and/or cross of ones that no longer work for you. My wellness toolbox contains the following tools:

Blog
Clean the house
Talk to or meet up with a friend
Cook (organize ingredients and make a whole meal)
Listen to Jennifer’s Rabbit by Tom Paxton (a song from my childhood)
Take the dog for a walk
Call friends from support groups
Organize anything I can find
Play the piano
Workout and eat healthy
Go to therapy or a support group
Watch old family videos
Look through old photos
Avoid caffeine
Light candles that smell good
Stay away from crowds
Watch a funny video or movie
Color in my adult coloring books

I have done several of the things in my wellness toolbox, so at least I know I’m on the right track. I’m also planning on cooking tonight, so that’s another thing I’m doing for myself. There are some things I’ve tried, but wasn’t able to do, such as coloring. I tried but couldn’t do it for some reason. I guess I’ll try it again a little later.

This is the reason I completed the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP), to help me and my loved ones when I’m struggling with either mania or depression. I’ve already found it useful. I’ve even added something to my toolbox; the coloring is a new tool. I will keep my wellness toolbox handy so I can reference it whenever necessary.

Another Day of Depression

I went to bed last night hoping that today was going to be different. When I woke up, I knew that it was going to be another day dealing with depression. The first sign was that I slept until 10am. I don’t sleep that late when I’m feeling well. Then my mom called me, which normally makes me happy, but this time I couldn’t feel anything. I’m dealing with a loss of interest in things I normally enjoy. My energy level is extremely low, everything feels like a major tasks. Even writing has become a huge task, but I force myself to do it.

Yesterday, I forced myself to get out of the house and go to my mother-in-laws when she invited me. It was extremely difficult, but I did it, and I’m glad I did it. It helped me feel a little better. Maybe today I should do the same thing. There’s a friend’s house I could go to; she understands depression and doesn’t judge me at all. I’m going to try my hardest to go over there in little while. I actually just made plans with her, that way I have someone to stay accountable to.

I’m pushing myself so hard. Sometimes I feel like I should just give in to the depression. It would be easier to just let go, but I need to put up a fight. Although, I’m wondering what the reason is why I’m fighting the depression. Am I doing this for my family or my husband? Is it possible that I’m doing this for myself? I don’t even know if the reason why matters. The most important thing is that I am fighting the depression. I’m not simply giving up. There are a lot of things that I could do to help. One thing I could do is to look at my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) and looking through my wellness toolbox for suggestions that I know are helpful when I’m in a depression.

Improvements

My day actually got better as it went on, which is rare. I ended up doing some cleaning because I just couldn’t stand the dog hair anymore. Then I received a call from my mother-in-law asking if I wanted to come over and play some cards. I was just about to say no, when I ended up saying yes. I told her that I was struggling with some depression, but getting out of the house was probably a good idea. I wasn’t able to smile or laugh while I was over there, but I was able to get through the day without wishing I was dead the entire time. Sometimes, it’s important to push through, and that’s what I did by getting out of the house. I pushed through the pain and it actually helped.

When I got home, there were flowers on the counter. My husband went out and got me my favorite flowers, tiger lilies, and left them there for me to see when I got home. He can be so sweet and thoughtful. I made sure to tell him how much it meant that he did that for me. For a day that started out really horrible, it is actually ending all right. I pushed through the pain, and today it paid off.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Depression