I’m Back To Blogging Again

I’m Back To Blogging Again

The past two or three weeks have been extremely busy, emotional, difficult, and anxiety provoking. Due to my new busy schedule, writing my blog every day got pushed out of my daily duties. Once I stopped writing a couple of days in a row, it because a pattern. I stopped writing it on my to do list, and I even stopped thinking about it. Luckily, a follower of mine commented on one of my last posts, reminding me how important it is to keep writing. Blogging is not only beneficial for myself, but it apparently also helps others.

I went for a hike this afternoon with my husband and mother-in-law. We hiked a place called Thunderbird Mountain, which is where we used to take Cash for walks. Cash would always wear his backpack (he was a big dog, 88 pounds). He would carry his water and ours. Every time he saw another person or another dog, it seemed as if he was showing off his backpack, like he was proud to be wearing it. My husband and I spread his ashes over a lot of different places all the way up the hiking trail. This way, he can continue to enjoy hiking. It was extremely emotional; saying goodbye to Cash again, for the final time, was hard. I held onto his ashes all day. Letting go of him was difficult, but it was actually a little easier than I expected because of the way we decided to say goodbye.

Over the past week, I have been getting a rash that seems to keep growing every day. It’s extremely itchy and annoying. My doctor doesn’t know what it is, but it’s not contagious. They do know that it’s not chicken pox, mumps, measles, or shingles. We’re trying to figure out what the cause could be. The rash didn’t start until a week after we moved into our new house. Oh well, I just have to put up with it and try not to scratch until it goes away.

Making The Right Decision Is Beyond Difficult

cash-recoveredToday was a rough day. I had to watch my dog be ill. It seemed like he was giving up on life, but I didn’t want to have him put to sleep too early, and it was a good call that I waited it out. Later in the day, he finally stood up, walked a little bit, went to the bathroom, and he even ate a treat (none of which he would do earlier in the day). He rebounded physically; he still has some life left in him. However, he appears to be going downhill again. My husband got him to actually eat dinner, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to rebound again. I think the fact that he won’t eat regularly, won’t walk, and won’t wag his tail is his way of telling me that he’s ready. I just don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. It’s such a hard decision to make; I just want to do what’s right for my dog. I’m sleeping out on the couch tonight so I can be close to him in case he needs me.

Cash Is Feeling Sick

Cash Is Feeling Sick

I had to take my dog, Cash, to the emergency vet earlier today. Cash was having problems walking, his temperature was 2 degrees low, his gums were pale, his abdomen was enlarged, and he refused to eat dog food or treats (even when they were brought to him). I waited, for what felt like hours (but it was really only 45 minutes), and the vet came into the room to tell me about the results of the tests. It turns out that his blood work shows him as anemic, with some type of big infection (his WBC is twice what it should be), a tumor near his abdomen, and there is also some lose fluid in the abdomen.

I’m so worried about him. He’s 11 years old, I’m not sure if he can make it through this. I’m sleeping out in the living room with him this evening. I’m worried that this will be his last night tonight. Tomorrow, I will be bringing him and all of the tests/paperwork back to my regular vet. I feel more comfortable seeing how it goes with my regular vet (who knows Cash very well). I’m hoping for some better news, but I’m not counting on it. I’m going to stick by his side so he’s not alone. It’s bad enough that he’s in pain, I don’t want him to be alone either. The employees at vet that I went to, were extremely helpful, polite, and nice.

Excitement and Worrisome

Excitement and Worrisome

Yesterday was a very tough day for me. I spent the entire day waiting to find out if the sellers of the house we like are going to accept our offer or not. We spent the whole day waiting to hear and the day ended still without finding out any news. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can tell you for certain that I’m not good at waiting. Hopefully we will get an answer later today; and of course we’re hoping that it’s going to be a positive response.

Other than the anxiety and waiting, yesterday was a physically painful day. I was having a lot of pain, it was probably due to the increased stress. I was also working on my taxes, which is a stressful and time-consuming task.

This morning, I have another ECT treatment; I think that this is my 8th treatment in this series. After ECT, I will have the opportunity to rest, if I can, but I usually can’t. Then tomorrow evening, my granddaughter is supposed to be coming over and we can all go out to eat. My mom has not had the ability to meet her yet, so I’m really looking forward to this opportunity that they’ll have.

I’m hoping that tomorrow is going to be a better day than today. I just need to figure out how to relax a little more. Looking for houses is definitely exciting, but is not at all relaxing. It’s more worrisome than anything else. I’m lucky I have the love and support from my husband and my mom to get me through every moment. They could both look at me and tell (just my looking at me) that I was having a rough day. I tried to pretend I was okay, but the people who know me best could tell that I was having a difficult time.

Restarting ECT

Restarting ECT

I restart ECT again on Monday. It’s been over six months since my last treatment. I’ve been waiting for about a month to restart ECT, and now that it’s about to happen, I’m not sure if I’m ready. At least I’ve done it before, so it’s not as nerve-racking. My anxiety is so high right now. What do I do if ECT doesn’t work? I know there are other options, but there’s not many left. I’m just nervous and scared. It will work. I’m trying to stay positive.

Apparently, ECT is twice as effective when being used with Clozapine, and even more effective when being used with Clozapine and Lithium. I’m take both Clozapine and Lithium (and many other meds), so there’s a really good chance that this will work for me. I’m trying to stay positive. It’s not easy, but I’m working at it.

They also changed how some of it goes. They now allow one person to go back with you, stay with you until you go under, and then they can wait for you in recovery. That makes it a lot easier for me. My husband already said he will be doing that for me on Monday.

Preparing For My Appointment

Preparing For My Appointment

Yesterday went well. I got everything done that I wanted to and I was able to visit with my friend. It really helps to be able to talk to someone who completely understands what I deal with on a daily basis. I slept fairly well again last night. I only one up once in the middle of the night and I was able to fall back asleep in about 30 minutes.

I’m preparing for my appointment with my psychiatrist that I have on Wednesday. I’ve written down all my questions for him. During my appointment I plan to stay calm and listen to what he has to say. I know he has my best interests in mind. I have a feeling I will be going back on ECT. I’m not excited about that, but I am open to it if he thinks that it will help me. Treatments and medications usually work for me for the first year or so, but then they stop working. It’s a pattern I’ve seen in lots of the treatments/meds that I try. That’s another thing that I plan on asking my doctor about.

Not Moving, Just Doing Research

Not Moving, Just Doing Research

After talking to my husband about some of the details about moving, he decided it probably wouldn’t be the best idea to move to Connecticut. He wouldn’t want to move while his father is sick. We would both miss our granddaughter so much. And Connecticut is an expensive place to live. We talked about moving to northern Arizona, but that is even more expensive than Connecticut. We’re just going to do some research to see what the rental properties are like up north, but most likely we won’t be moving anywhere for at least a few years. This brought down my stress level a bit. I don’t want to move and then have either me or my husband regret it.

I have a feeling that we won’t be moving for a while. It’s hard to move away from your family. I know; I’ve done it twice. Both times I moved away to go to Arizona. Moving away from family is so hard. I probably wouldn’t be able to do it if I didn’t see my mom every 3 months. I also know that I can go visit my family at any time if I need to.

Looking Into Moving

Looking Into Moving

My husband has been talking about moving for a couple of years now. I ask him where he pictures us moving to, and he says that he would like to movie back to Connecticut where my family lives. I never really believed him until yesterday. He says that the summers are way too hot for him to deal with any more. He has burns on over 30% of his body, making it very hard during the Arizona summers.

I always thought he was teasing me when he would talk about it. Now that I know he’s serious, there are a couple of things we need to look into. I told him he needs to go to Connecticut during the coldest part of the winter so he knows exactly what he’s getting himself into. I also told him he needs to spend at least 2 or 3 weeks there to see how it feels.

I have no clue what’s going to happen, but we’re at least looking into moving at this point. Surprisingly, I don’t have that much anxiety over the whole thing. It would be really nice to see my family regularly. That would actually be amazing.

Added Stress Before Vacation

Added Stress Before Vacation

I’m about halfway packed and so stressed out, I can’t wait for vacation to start. I slept about 3 hours on Sunday night, which is probably what made Monday a difficult day for me. Why is it so hard and stressful to prepare for vacation? As if the regular day-to-day stressful events  of life aren’t stressful enough. Hopefully I will get a good night’s sleep tonight and a better day tomorrow.

Rough Day By Myself

Rough Day By Myself

Yesterday was a rough day. I couldn’t get myself to do almost anything. I did force myself to do a couple of things, but I had a lot more on my to-do list that did not get done. Normally, I do much better when I’m home by myself, but yesterday was not one of those days. Maybe it was my way of letting go of all the buildup from Thanksgiving. However, I have a family reunion tomorrow that I need to mentally prepare for. I will be cooking in the morning so I can bring some food with me to the get-together. I will be meeting some people for the first time. This is very anxiety provoking. I’m very thankful for Valium.

I have to really push myself harder. There’s only a couple of more days until I leave for Connecticut. I’m half ecstatic and half stressed/overwhelmed. I guess I’m worried about the unknown. That’s almost always what I worry about. Maybe I need to focus more on what I do know and less about the unknown.