This morning, my husband got a call from his mother. I could tell from the look on his face that it was bad. She had a colonoscopy a few days ago. The doctor called and said they wanted to see her right away. Just with that information alone, I knew it couldn’t be good. It turns out that she has cancer. I’m not sure what kind, I just know the doctor said it’s all over her abdomen. They gave her a year to live.
When my husband told me, I started to cry. I’m not sure how to help my husband through this, although I feel like I should be able to do so. When I was 12, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. They gave him 3 years to live and he lived for 6 years. I’ve lost a parent. I know how hard it is. I just don’t know how to help someone else go through it.
I suppose the only things I can do to help is to be there for both my husband and mother-in-law. I can offer my assistance to both of them. I can be there to talk, if either of them want that. Basically, I can just be there.
I love my mother-in-law and I enjoy the time I spend with her. We get together (without my husband) and play Pinochle about once a week. I’m going to spend as much time with her as I can. She’s a wonderful loving person.
This is bringing up a lot of feelings from when my dad was diagnosed and when he died. I’m sure that this will continue to bring up a lot of emotions. I’ve dealt with them before; I can do it again.
Life is too overwhelming and difficult. We moved into our new house this past April. However, I still drive to our old neighborhood to go shopping. For example, I drive to our old cross-streets for grocery shopping. There are many grocery stores that are closer, but I’m comfortable shopping at my old store. I prefer to drive and feel safe, than shop somewhere closer to home and be anxious and afraid.
I also continue to go to a salon that’s in my old neighborhood. I only go there to get my eyebrows waxed. It may be farther away, but I feel secure and happy when I go there. I looked around my new community and found a lot of places that I could go to get my eyebrows waxed. I even found two that are just on the corner, but still I choose to go somewhere familiar and pleasurable.
I have another day filled with errands and stuff to do around the house. It does make the day go faster. I’m going to keep working out. I think I might even bring my Zumba DVDs to Cape Cod with me. I am losing weight, slowly but surely. I know how easy it is to fall back into bad eating habits. I have to remind myself that I can do this. I will reach my goal eventually. I think that if I keep a positive attitude towards weight loss, I will keep losing weight.
My back is feeling better from yesterday’s ECT treatment, which I’m very grateful for. I decided I could go on with my day of doing errands, cleaning up the house, and working out. I started with short Zumba video. They’re pretty fun and they work very well. My husband called while I was in the middle of the video to tell me about an estate sale just up the road that he really wanted me to go to. We’re looking for some bedroom furniture, especially nightstands. Some of our stuff broke during the move.
I felt pressured into going, so I told him I wasn’t sure if I could make it. To be honest, I was saying that so I had out. I was terrified at the thought of going. There were going to be so many people in one small house (a house and people who I don’t even know at all), I just wasn’t sure if I could do it. I took a Valium and did some stuff around the house, waiting for it to kick in. Finally, it started working. I drove over to the estate sale and parked out-of-the-way. I stayed in my car for a while, but eventually I went in.
I looked around everywhere and tried to be polite to the people I passed. This whole situation was overwhelming, especially since I didn’t end up buying anything. However, I did it, I went by myself. That’s a huge step for me. I thought my heart was going to explode the entire time, but I made it through!
I had a rough day yesterday. I was stressed and my anxiety level was very high. I was able to keep myself from having a panic attack, but the anxiety attack was still pretty rough. The Valium helped. I also used some breathing techniques, just simple breathing in and out, not too fast and not too slow. The breathing helps me stay calm and focusing on it also helps me forget what I’m anxious about, even if it’s just for a minute or two.
Today seems like a better day. I have a normal amount of anxiety. I’m more frustrated than anything else, and I don’t really know why. I generally don’t know why I feel the way I do. I’m going to go get a bunch of stuff done. Being productive often makes me feel better.
Yesterday’s monsoon was gigantic. The rain at my house lasted more than 30 minutes, and that’s very abnormal. This morning, I woke up to find out that yesterday’s winds took down a lot of trees in our area. Roads were closed all around us due to downed pine trees. It’s a bit nerve-wracking having all of that storm damage so close to our new house. Trees fell a few streets west of us, a few streets north of us, and just a couple blocks south. I feel extremely grateful that our property is okay and my husband made it home safe from work (I get so nervous when he has to drive during a storm).
Luckily, Achilles doesn’t really care about storms. In fact, he doesn’t react to them at all. Yesterday, the winds were banging up against the sides of the house so much that it was making a lot of noise, more noise than during a normal storm. The monsoon was scaring me, but not Achilles. I was home by myself with Achilles as my protector.
We might get another storm this evening. Right now, the sky is blue and the sun is shining, but that could change in a matter of minutes. It’s going to be like this for the next couple of months, that’s why they call it ‘Monsoon Season’.
I have difficulty with a lot of things. I have an extremely hard time saying no to people. I struggle to stand up for myself. Even when someone asks me what I want to do, I have a hard time answering them. I would rather do something I don’t want to do and be unhappy (without saying I’m unhappy, of course) that tell someone what I really want. Life feels like a giant problem, as if it’s an obstacle I may never complete, but I’m not giving up.
My ex, from before I got sober, was very abusive. I suppose that it just became second nature to do whatever he wanted. I would never dare to say no to him; I knew what the punishment would be if I didn’t behave properly. Even though he’s gone, I still react that way. I want to stop putting others before myself, but I haven’t been able to. Reacting the way I do is a force of habit. It has nothing to do with the people I’m with today, such as my husband, family, or friends; it has everything to do with me.